To be scared of my nearly 6 year old?

[itsreallymylife]

Dd is nearly 6 and her behaviour seems to get worse every day, she has angry outbursts multiple times a day and hits and screams.
She's recently discovered the F word and repeats it and screams it at everyone, no amount of discipline seems to work in fact the more I try the more she fights.
She's not an only child I but she is the youngest and the others are not like this.
She deliberately urinated on the kitchen rug last night because she wanted to play a board game one time after I'd said that's the last game.

She literally won't let anything go she had just smashed the twister board over my head and hit her sister until I peeled her off because I said she wont play if she keeps swearing now she is screaming at the top of her voice and swearing repeatedly.
She's just hit her sister again and is now kicking the lounge door.
This is every day as soon as I get her from school, she won't go to bed or do anything I ask and I have no way of controlling her.
Dh tries but she is exactly the same with him.
She can scream relentlessly for ages and ages and won't be soothed or she'll lash out.
How am I meant to manage her?

OP please be very careful and read up around ODD and the difference with ASD/PDA. They require very different approaches and if she is ASD/PDA then any ODD approaches could be very traumatic for her. Unfortunately children with undiagnosed and even diagnosed SEN are very vulnerable to trauma which has a further impact on their mental health.

I have never reported a poster until today, but I've reported that one.

Opposition defiance disorder is rare and wouldn’t normally allow a child to ‘behave’ at school. She may be neurodiverse with oppositional traits though. I bet If she wasn’t keeping it in all day she wouldn’t present with such extreme behaviour. Something needs to change but you will have a fight on with school if she’s masking.

@VitoCorleoneOfMNMafia oh gosh, I had no idea I was probably making her feel worse. Thank you for pointing that out.

Love the idea that urgent assessments exist but still yes refer on .

One thing that hasn’t been mentioned is some de stress when she comes home - find something that works - low lighting , quiet time or run it off in the park .. it depends on the child be some transition activity may help .

year one is the first year they are generally expected to sit down a lot of the day .. that can be challenging .

good luck finding a way forward

Any chance she has been abused?

As a PP said log every incident, even if you think it’s quite minor.
Write down the rough times too.
I would also video her and take photos of any marks she may make.

Females are very difficult to diagnose because they mask so well and so if you do get dismissed then do keep trying.

My first port of call would be school and give them some examples of her behaviour.
They will keep an eye out and log any behaviours but she probably won’t show any.
Then book a GP appointment and take the log of details.

It can be a very long, drawn out process but just just stick with it and in the meantime I would treat her like she has ASD as I think all children can benefit from it (not too overwhelming, give her down time, explain what the plan is for the day and try not to spring anything on her, let her have screens or whatever she chooses after school but be clear on how long she can use them for etc).

Hi OP. Sounds tough, i've been there to a point (my oldest has ASD)

Can i ask what the routine at home time is, when you all get in?

If she is suffering the 'bottle of pop' explosion at home, it may be there are some sensory strategies you can put in around home time/getting home that might help her with some emotional regulation.

I'll tell you what i did, but you'll have to find out what your DD needs as they're all different.

When i first picked DS up, we would always have a HUGE hug while standing in the playground, he needed the pressure from the cuddle, i'd also stand there and stroke his head and if i could sit on a wall with him in my lap and rock him for a little while without talking.

Once home he was allowed to go to his room with a snack, his room is set up for him so its quiet and calm. He was (and still is) always left alone for the first hour, there's ZERO demands on him, its his time to rest/relax and regulate.

Anything we ask is always done with now/next instructions so there is no sudden change, we always give count down warnings. So "dinner is in 30 minutes, i'll need you to come eat" then repeat at 20, 10, 5, 2, 1....etc

If we play, he's given a warning of stopping, and a Now/Next instruction so he knows what we're doing "We'll stop this game in X minutes, then we're going to put it away and get our pjs on for bed"

Everything is discussed in simple instruction of no more than one or two steps.

I did have some success with the 1,2,3 magic method with reasonable consequence if he was misbehaving. So "you have until the count of 3 to do X or Y will happen" (y has to be something you're willing to carry out every time)

We tried to keep the house calm, i never raised my voice. I learned to recognise when/where those meltdowns triggered. During them i'd give him his space, restrain if he got violent with NO anger/raised voices. they were dealt with calmly, and always ended with a long cuddle and a reminder i loved him, and then once completely calm, a little discussion about what happened with lots of cuddles/reassurance that i wasn't angry.

She does this with you guys because she can't help it, and because she feels safe.

Give her space
Learn her triggers.
Learn to redirect before the meltdown
Do not raise your voice
Do not chastise/punish for meltdowns.
Remain calm, reassure after the meltdown. discuss calmly.

Classic for how ASD presents in many girls.

What do you do in terms of consequences etc for hitting, urinating on rug?

Haven't read the whole thread, looks like you've been given lots of useful advice. I just wanted to say, if someone hasn't said it already, that the reason she is well behaved at school and then has tantrums at home is because she can have tantrums at home because she can let it all out at home. It is because you are her safe space. Whatever else is going on, you are getting something right there.

Sometimes my just turned 6 year is behaving really awful I do ask her is everything okay or do you want to talk about anything sort of thing. Will she talk to you?

I have been in your shoes op and this website and group turned it around for me.

https://www.newboldhope.com/the-basics

I can’t recommend this enough!

I agree.

My DD needs to come home, go to her room and go on a screen. She’s a teenager so nothing usual but this is her way of coping with all of the things she dealt with during the day.

Some children need to go for a run, listen to music, play with their toys etc as lacking all day is very difficult and so she then explodes at home.

Whereas finding something to help her is the key.
This could change every day so perhaps have a choice after school of whether she’d like to go for a walk/the park or go straight home.
Let her have the choice but try and recognise if anything helps.

With siblings this will be a bit more difficult but you could have a chat with them and explain how you’re trying to help her and perhaps she could choose the week day activities and they choose the weekend activities.

This is fantastic advice.

This doesn't sound like run of the mill kids tantrums though.

It sounds tough OP, I have nothing to add that hasn't been said but I wish you the best of luck!

Brilliant advice

I could actually have written this myself. I’m so so sorry you are having such a hard time. I’ve contacted my GP. The school have now made referrals and we are trying different parenting styles. She’s the sweetest child. Perfect at school and then falls apart big time.

please please know you aren’t alone. Push school for some support and help. Don’t be ashamed. Girls are totally different in presentation to boys with ADHD or ASD. Or she might be anxious. It could be anything. But there are teams out there to help.

we now have Early help through social services supporting us in our journey and they have actually put things in place to protect her and the family.

good luck

Just in case it might help someone, this is what I would do…..

First of all, I would explain to the siblings, that you're going to be getting help for DD. Ask them to be understanding that you will have to have different expectations for DC3. Explain that you love all 3 DC equally, but DC3 might need a bit (!) more of your time at the moment.

I had a treat drawer (tatt from poundland - not food) that DD could pick from when she got home from school. She can be in charge of choosing the treats each week if she likes.

Would she like a weighted blanket and her fav tv prog?

DD used to do a bit of a lego set, or add to her Marble Run contraption.

Also, we introduced "mummy time" at night before bed. She had 30mins of my undivided attention. Have a list of activities (reading, drawing, making a story, lego, noughts and crosses, hangman, etc etc etc) and let her choose from the list. Use a visual timer at this age. Then it's the night night routine.

ASD is all about control. AT school she has very little. At home you should try and give her as much as is feasible to do so. Get creative with visual rewards.

Get siblings on board to try and help DC3 to win the reward. Also reward other dc when they are patient or help DC3.

Good luck to everyone with tricky, lovely DC.

Firstly as a mom with a 6 year old who is so like this I would just like to say well done you! When they are good they are your best friend but when it’s bad it’s soooooooo hard! I struggled with my daughter’s behaviour from 1.5 and I was ignored when I requested for her to be assessed I was told she was too young! I have fought for her every step of the way and it’s exhausting! But to give you an insight in daily life she will wet and soil herself and doesn’t say anything she is afraid to miss anything so won’t take the time to go to the toilet. She has violent outbursts and screams to a point my neighbour (who is my friend) will text and ask am I ok? She hits and kicks scratched smashes and when I say will litteraly bring me to tears I’m not messing. This year she was FINALLY assessed and she has come back with ASD and DCD and suspected ADHD. I always knew there was something underlying but wasn’t heard. But it you have come here to express your concerns and ask for guidance and the best advice I can give you is fidgets and sensory toys while you wait but maybe try get her into play therapy also. This way she can work through it in a way that children no best! To play. I would defo look into having her assessed as a process of elimination.
Im sorry for the long response but I would also like to make one more statement:
you are amazing and you are so strong! I believe we are never given note then we can handle but it can be testing. You are asking for help so you are doing the best all ready! You’re doing a great job and you should be so proud of yourself. Unfortunately the lash out on those they love the most as you are her safe place where she knows no matter what all will be forgiven. X

Yes I agree start writing a journal now and film her . Because you do need help ASAP .

It sounds like she has oppositional defiance disorder. Its fairly classic description regarding behaving well at school but uncontrollable at home. You should get a referral for her to a psychologist. The good news is that early intervention and therapy can work.

Can you video a meltdown episode to show your Dr or school staff?

Take her to your GP asap OP and get her assessed.

I agree with the majority, that it sounds like she’s masking at school, and likely has some additional needs, including possible ND.

I’d be speaking to a GP and to the school, and trying to arrange assessments.

She sounds like a more extreme version of some behaviours I recognise from my DS (now 9) when he was younger - he has ADHD. He’s a lot calmer now we are aware of what’s wrong and what works and what doesn’t. But that said, every child is different and his needs weren’t ever this extreme.