To be scared of my nearly 6 year old?

[itsreallymylife]

Dd is nearly 6 and her behaviour seems to get worse every day, she has angry outbursts multiple times a day and hits and screams.
She's recently discovered the F word and repeats it and screams it at everyone, no amount of discipline seems to work in fact the more I try the more she fights.
She's not an only child I but she is the youngest and the others are not like this.
She deliberately urinated on the kitchen rug last night because she wanted to play a board game one time after I'd said that's the last game.

She literally won't let anything go she had just smashed the twister board over my head and hit her sister until I peeled her off because I said she wont play if she keeps swearing now she is screaming at the top of her voice and swearing repeatedly.
She's just hit her sister again and is now kicking the lounge door.
This is every day as soon as I get her from school, she won't go to bed or do anything I ask and I have no way of controlling her.
Dh tries but she is exactly the same with him.
She can scream relentlessly for ages and ages and won't be soothed or she'll lash out.
How am I meant to manage her?

OP - I was scared of my DD too. Perfectly natural. She really is a lovely, young adult now at 18.
It will get better. xxxx

Check out Caro Greenwood on
ibstagram. She has a DD (much older now) with ODD and has some really good resources to find help and so on.
I hope you get some help soon. It must be really really tough for you all and for your DD too

Girls are much more adept at withholding certain instinctive behaviours than boys so they can be missed when teachers etc are considering if any pupils have additional needs. It sounds like your dd is holding everything in and just managing her way through school and then she's coming home, to you, to the place and the people she feels safe with and she's dropping the pretence and letting all the pressure and anxiety and emotional disregulation out that's been building all day. I would take her to the gp and request an assessment and speak to the school to see what they can help with.

@itsreallymylife def sounds as though the classic Jekyll and Hyde female ND. Perfect at school but anything but at home. Exhausted by keeping it al, in at school leads to horrendous meltdowns at home

Loads have beaten me to it so I won't repeat apart from I agree with regards to get on the path to a formal assessment.

Whilst there isn't much help having a diagnosis helped us immensely we now know why our DD behaves in certain ways and work on ways to accommodate and support her. We are a much more tolerant and supportive family as a result with much better boundaries.

I think if we hadn't realised then we'd still consider her awkward and defiant when she clearly has a neurodevelopmental disorder. Which makes me a little sad at I know adults who grow up being the naughty or defiant child when they are clearly ND.

I would contact school, she could be masking at school which is causing the outbursts at home.
I’d also speak to the GP.
Good luck, she sounds very distressed and it must be very distressing for all involved.

My daughter was similar during reception, she would be perfect all day at school and then explode and be really aggressive and violent at home. Even thought she also seemed to enjoy school.

I kept trying to talk to school as I felt she was masking there with possible ND likely adhd as it runs in my family. But they didn’t ever get back to me about meetings etc as she wasn’t causing problems at school.

She was extremely anxious about going back to year 1 so we have decided to try home educate and it’s been much better so far. I know this isn’t possible for everyone and it’s financially difficult for us but the masking and after affects were getting so bad we had to try . I feel like now she is isn’t pretending all day she is much calmer. She used to hit and attack us everyday when she was at school and I noticed it stopped during the holidays and she stopped saying she hates us everyday.

If it’s at all possible I would try talk to the school, perhaps even try flexi schooling if they would allow it. So she has a beak from school. Definitely try get a referral and keep a diary of her behaviour and talk to your GP. if you can afford it there is always private diagnosis too. But it really sounds like she is suffering and you too. Good luck, it’s so hard.

This must be very difficult to cope with and affect the rest of the family in a negative way. I agree with taking her to the GO who might be able to suggest a way forward as this situation can't go on.

She sounds very like my friends girl

She refused school today and friend at end of tether asked me to help,, so I took her
Got,told,she hated me and called a rat

But she went to,school

Tonight I got a text saying "I love you "

She's not NT and does the same , well behaved at school , nightmare at home because it has to come out somewhere

I'd speak to school, senco and gp. Could be PDA, or something similar

My dd was exactly the same. I’d say from around 4 - 8 was horrific. She repeatedly hit me, screamed for hours, hurt other children if they didn’t do what she wanted it was awful. I tried the gp who referred it to school but because no real issues at school other than her aggression whilst h was probably once or twice a year nothing was don( the school fault I think) I got that bad that one day I hit her and took her to school in tears asking if that was enough for them to help. Ultimately something happened at school which made me change her schools and I can’t even tell you the difference it has made. Most of the problems stopped, I also go grievance counselling for her and that made a massive difference. All in all I blame the school and the fact she was so unhappy there caused her to lash out at home because that was where she was comfortable. No real advice for you op other than to fight and fight for your dd.
you know your child best but I would look into how happy she is in school. As children they take out their problems to n the closest people to them you, her dad, and your other children being that.

She knows she was naughty she don't want you moaning at her about it or telling her off. Kids aren't that hard to work out.

Your daughter nest have hated it at that school they probably gave no attention or helped her when she needed it. You did the right thing moving her to another school. Some schools don't have the resources to care.

As PPs have said, this is common behaviour for children on the autism spectrum (which can encompass ODD, PDA, ADHD and other conditions too), so you need to get her assessed. Easier said than done these days I know.

It's a good idea to video her at home but I know several parents at my DS's primary school with similar scenarios who found that the school would or could not help as there were no issues at school. (I was 'lucky' that DS was the opposite - he was more challenging at school so we had support from age 3.....).

If they can't or won't help you can go to your GP and ask for a referral that way. Failing that contact the National Autistic Society or your local group if you have one. Don't let this drop, despite the obstacles you may face. All your DCs need you to get support with this.

And follow @PhantomUnicorn advice - I had to really learn to curb my tendency to get cross, and remain calm and quiet. Once the meltdown starts you won't be able to get through and you can't discuss sanctions etc, so don't try. My DD did have to learn to give way to DS and let him go first, on many occasions, just to keep the peace. She was amazing and understanding and we tried to reward her on the quiet - but of course it's easier to ask if you have a reason (i.e. diagnosis) to justify that.

DS is lovely now ten years on, good luck finding the right support.

Sounds like my ds, he had been masking & holding his feelings in all day at school & then it all exploded out when he came home, he was diagnosed 6 months later with Autism. I found I could notice when he would become triggered, I started letting him go in his room & play for an hour when he came home, gave him a snack on the way home as hunger just fueled his rage. He would settle to play with his Lego or his games console, have his cuddly dog for comfort & then when he was ready, ask me to get tea ready.

I don’t know if it’s necessarily that she has additional needs or mental health issues as many are suggesting. I watched loads of Super Nanny episodes. The kids on that were absolute terrors and with thoughtful discipline and boundaries she always managed to turn them around. Maybe watch some with DH and put a very strict and structured plan in place, or if she’s still around, give her a call!

this was me as a child: I'm now diagnosed autistic and ADHD!

So definitely get in touch with your local gp and any health services, as well as keeping school in the loop: the good behaviour at school is most likely masking, which will be making her even more explosive at home

I would bet my house she’s got a demand avoidant profile of Autism. School is probably a living hell for her and she blames you both for taking her.
Read up about pda kids and get a private assessment. Read Naomi Fisher’s ‘a different way to learn’ and Laura Kirby’s book on engaging PDA kids.
Then think very carefully if you might want to change schools to a self directed learning setting or home ed. Then watch the anger and controlling behaviour disappear.

What a stupid response.

I would see gp and ask for an autism assessment. What you describe is very much like many girls I know who have gone on to be diagnosed with ASD. The earlier you get help for her the better. Good luck with it all. I have kids with ASD myself and I work with children with ASD. It’s been my lived experience for over 20 years now.
Girls are fabulous maskers and can hold it together all day at school and then explode at home because it’s their safe space. It makes family life very tricky to deal with so please go gentle on yourself too. People love to assume it’s a parenting issue and often it isn’t. Thankfully there is better understanding around female autism than in the past.
I hope you can get the support you need.

I'm guessing at school she's fine? ASD springs to mind. If that's the case she will have been masking all day and when she's gets home is when she can let it all out.

It could be that she is pushing herself to be extra well behaved at school and when she’s at home it’s more than she can cope with, to keep up the perfect behaviour…… so it goes totally the other way. Do her teacher’s expect too much from her because they don’t realise that sometimes she doesn’t want to be so well behaved.

I haven't read all the responses (because some are making me feel sorry for my own daughter and the world she's growing up in). My daughter is 6 and has autism, she is more or less perfect at school (there is some issues) but get her home and she disregulates- poo smearing (sensory seeking), rocking, head banging, screaming, stimming, hitting etc. I feel for you, it's tough.

OP, I don’t know if it’s been mentioned because I’ve not read the full thread but have you considered PDA (pathological demand avoidance), it’s a form of autism but the general demands of life become too much. Children with this condition show these types of behaviour and often can’t cope with main stream school and get burnt out.

Can you account for every person she has been with unsupervised....

My son is dyslexic. He was massively masking at school. Keeping up with peers and always on his best behaviour. When he’d come home he’d just explode bad attitude and behaviour (granted not as bad as you describe but bad enough). The way we saw it was that he was working doubly as hard to keep up at school and to be on his best behaviour. Then he’d come home and be shattered and let out all of his frustrations on us…. She probably has something more going on and I’d suggest talking to a specialist. Going to your GP is a good starting point.