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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be annoyed with a wedding invite I've received?

242 replies

shooflyer · 11/09/2023 11:08

We received a wedding invite via email the other day from DP's side of the family. They are Asian, so I’m not sure if this is ‘normal’ and accepted in their culture, but I’ve found the invite poorly worded and planned out. And I’m also a little miffed about the spelling errors 😑

The invite has no structured timings for the day. It only has a ‘guest arrival’ time, and states that food will be served afterwards. WTF does that mean? When does the wedding / ceremony actually start? How long after the ceremony will food be served (just thinking whether my children will be starving and if I need to plan for that.) I’ve been to another of of their family ‘events’ where the party was scheduled to at 7pm but we didn’t eat dinner until 11:20! My children were starving!!!

Three out of the 4 members of our family (DP and both children) had their names spelled wrong on the invite! My husband is close family with the bride and we see them fairly regularly!

The invite also mentioned ‘No Boxed Gifts’ which I felt to be quite rude and tacky. It’s widely known that everyone gives money as a gift in their culture (both the bride & groom) for weddings and special occasions. Does it really need to be specified on the invite like that?

When I was married wedding etiquette was quite a big deal. I ensured that everyone’s names were spelled correctly despite more than half being from an unfamiliar language / culture than mine. Sometimes I had to go through several other family members to get the correct spelling! And I made sure everyone knew the exact order of the day so that they knew exactly when and where they had to be.

Has etiquette changed significantly now? This side of the family are fairly well off and well educated. Most are lawyers, doctors, small business owners etc, so I'm really most annoyed about the spelling.

OP posts:
Doris86 · 11/09/2023 12:40

Buy a present and take it out of the box before wrapping it.

littlebopeepp234 · 11/09/2023 12:40

TooOldForASugarDaddy · 11/09/2023 12:38

Culture differences are all very relative, you may find it incredibly tacky to be told “no boxed gifts are accepted” as the rest of the world finds it incredibly distasteful that British people segregate wedding guests in day receptions and night do’s.

Now, about the timings… you need to appreciate these are not British people running by the clock and punctuality values. As far as I am aware, India weddings last for days and well into the night and they are not timed to the minutiae as some other cultures’ weddings are (if it helps, my SIL timed her entrance to the reception to happen exactly at the same time as the setting sun aligned with her back as she came to the gate of the garden where the reception was to take place, honestly, you cannot make this up.. and then… it rained non stop through out the whole of it…)

Here here. The Asian wedding I went to went on for 3 days. I was there until 3am one morning and then back at 7am helping out. The op has no idea! People really should research other’s cultures before getting involved with them and then moaning about the way they do things

jannier · 11/09/2023 12:42

shooflyer · 11/09/2023 11:36

😂 I never said I didn't like them. I like them very much in fact. Which is also why I find it really poor show to have received an invitation with 3 names spelled incorrectly. Perhaps I will just misspell their names on their wedding card incorrectly then. The wad of cash we'll include in it will outshine the misspellings anyway 😁

As for the other bits, then yes - perhaps IABU. I will make sure to take snacks with me for the children. They're only little so I'm worried that they won't be able to sit from the 'arrival time' until the food is served because I don't know how long that will be.

Nobody sits the kids all run around playing the adults chat. Relax.

TooOldForASugarDaddy · 11/09/2023 12:44

shooflyer · 11/09/2023 11:36

😂 I never said I didn't like them. I like them very much in fact. Which is also why I find it really poor show to have received an invitation with 3 names spelled incorrectly. Perhaps I will just misspell their names on their wedding card incorrectly then. The wad of cash we'll include in it will outshine the misspellings anyway 😁

As for the other bits, then yes - perhaps IABU. I will make sure to take snacks with me for the children. They're only little so I'm worried that they won't be able to sit from the 'arrival time' until the food is served because I don't know how long that will be.

I am pretty sure NOBODY will be expecting your children to sit still. If they can walk, they are expected to be running around with other children at the wedding. 😁

Whataretheodds · 11/09/2023 12:44

YABU

In my background (white British Christian) it would be totally normal etiquette to invite someone to a wedding ceremony at eg 1pm at X church "and afterwards" at Y hotel. Perhaps with "carriages at midnight".

It is not standard (though I agree it is v helpful) to let guests know what food will be served when. So a bit churlish to blame the 'culture' or individuals for vagueness on this score - it's pretty standard, if frustrating, and it would always be prudent not to arrive already hungry, wise to have food/snacks with you for the kids.

Re gifts - also quite common in cultures where boxed gifts used to be standard to say "we'd love donations to our honeymoon fund".

I don't think you can complain that the invitation is both too specific and not specific enough.

I would be miffed by the spelling. Many people don't seem to care about this any more, I think it's sad.

If it bothers you so much that you can't be gracious and celebratory then don't go.

MangshorJhol · 11/09/2023 12:47

Asian weddings are entirely child friendly. No one needs to sit down and watch the whole ceremony. Kids can run around. If they are hungry the caterers or some aunty/uncle will find some food for them. Last Asian wedding we went to my kids got hungry and a paratha, dal and some yoghurt was produced for them magically. Feeding people is a key part of Asian weddings. No one is going to go hungry. At this wedding my kids ran around and played with other kids, ate, one of them napped, they woke up and danced, ate more and then danced some more! It was totally brilliant. There is no quiet sitting down in a church or anything.

MangshorJhol · 11/09/2023 12:49

As your DH is Asian is this really the first wedding you have been to? Surely you would know most of this or a quick chat with your DH and in laws would suffice?!

SerafinasGoose · 11/09/2023 12:52

Do you like these people and want to be there to celebrate their marriage, OP, or don't you? This should determine whether you accept or decline this invitation.

'Etiquette' is a tedious bore. From my perspective, the minute something is dictated to by 'etiquette', 'tradition', or in-line with 'expectation', it becomes your identikit, regimented wedding with everything happening in the same order and lacking in any sponteneity or individuality. It also doesn't necessarily please the couple concerned, cf. the myriad threads on this site alone where couples feel pressured to do what their parents want on pain of a huge family rift. If that's what floats your boat fair play - the majority of weddings appear to be like this after all so there must be a market for it somewhere - but I find them more trouble than they're worth and avoid them wherever possible. Seen one, seen them all.

The sort of chaotic, hapharard wedding you describe sounds a lot more fun to me. Different does not equal 'bad'.

TooOldForASugarDaddy · 11/09/2023 12:52

shooflyer · 11/09/2023 11:44

They were born here. DH grew up with them and their families are very close. He's also offended that they have spelled the names wrong considering we recently attended a party for one of the parents and all of our names were on the card we gave that we know is still on display in their house

Show quote history

C’mon OP, have you ever wonder how many different spellings are there for the name Katherine? Lots of people just go by the sound of it whether is spelled with C a Y or without the E’s.

I would also assume that there may be hundreds of people invited so the bride is not writing the invitation and whoever has might not have the time and inclination to check how the hell the relatives spelled a name using the Latin alphabet?

sunglassesonthetable · 11/09/2023 12:53

Tbh OP you don't sound like you know much about what to expect AT ALL. .

Your OH is Asian and you're close with that side of the family, you're seeing them this weekend and you've only just thought of asking them what time food could be?

And don't you usually take snacks around for your little kids. It's normal, right? Whatever the situation.

You're talking about your little children having to sit and wait for food. Strange. Don't you realise it'll be much more relaxed than that?

TooOldForASugarDaddy · 11/09/2023 12:56

shooflyer · 11/09/2023 11:59

Fair enough. I am clearly being unreasonable.

We are going over to their place for dinner on the weekend. I'll have a chat with them then and get a better idea of timings. I'll bring snacks anyway, because as many have said these things can run on for quite a while. I'll also make sure that it's ok for us to sit near the back so I can take the children out if they get a bit fussy so they don't disturb everyone and interrupt the ceremony.

Just bear in mind that in some cultures, young children are welcome to be themselves during the ceremony, to run around, laugh and touch the bride. It is something related to bringing good luck and fertility to the bride and groom 🤣

caringcarer · 11/09/2023 12:56

I don't really see a problem. You have been invited to a wedding and invitation states what time to arrive. Eat before you go and take some snacks for DC in your bag. You will be eating late. Just go and enjoy yourself.

Fallingthroughclouds · 11/09/2023 12:59

You're response to this invite is a lot less cordial than the invitation. You come across as rude and snobbish. Since when did their wedding become all about you? So what they if they haven't got a grasp on spellings, shrug it off.

Sceptre86 · 11/09/2023 12:59

Asian culture is very diverse. You could be describing several different type of weddings with different religious ceremonies. A nikkah for example doesn't take very long at all but another religious ceremony might take longer. The spelling mistakes would probably annoy them too but if you've had your cards made abroad getting them reprinted and shipped would obviously take longer. Perhaps they haven't got the time to do so or aren't a stickler for these things in the way that you are. Often Asian cards don't break down the day and even when they do (I did on mine) timings are a rough guide and I explained that to British friends prior. They don't have to follow the English etiquette for weddings if it isn't an english wedding. No boxed gifts is standard on an asian wedding, again depending on the specific culture within the term 'asian', gift as much or as little as you want. If you begrudge it then give a voucher or better yet don't go. They'll likely have canapés so your kids won't be starving and shock horror your kids won't be the only ones there. Like any sensible parent you take snacks in case anything isn't to your kids liking or if dinner is served later than your kids are used to.

If you don't want to go, don't. If you present yourself in real life in the way you have here they'll likely not want you there anyway.

FedUp1306 · 11/09/2023 13:00

CitizenofMoronia · 11/09/2023 11:52

Hi, are you ND? If you have never been tested I suggest you do.
If not I suggest you just get over yourself, if you don't want to go, just don't go.

Sorry but this is horrible. Please don't throw "accusations" of neurodiversity round as an insult in this way. It's not clever, witty or funny and if by some small chance, you're being genuine, perhaps you need to learn more about neurodiversity.

Disagree with the OP all you want - most others have managed it without being offensive.

CitizenofMoronia · 11/09/2023 13:00

Do you have a diagnosis? cos taking things literally and not realizing someone is taking the pee is also a symptom, according to tictok anyway.

SageRosemary · 11/09/2023 13:00

Oops, wrong thread, apologies!

camelfinger · 11/09/2023 13:01

Sounds like a good idea to have a chat with them; it’s probably more relaxed than other weddings.

I have been to one wedding (not Asian) where a rough timetable for the day was given - I did find this extremely helpful.

Also, I’m particular about spellings too. But - I’ve met some people who are so used to having their names spelled wrong that they actually don’t care how it is spelled. I’ve even seen them sign themselves in different spellings. So I’d probably let that one go, it’s probably not a thing for them.

Maddy70 · 11/09/2023 13:01

shooflyer · 11/09/2023 11:36

😂 I never said I didn't like them. I like them very much in fact. Which is also why I find it really poor show to have received an invitation with 3 names spelled incorrectly. Perhaps I will just misspell their names on their wedding card incorrectly then. The wad of cash we'll include in it will outshine the misspellings anyway 😁

As for the other bits, then yes - perhaps IABU. I will make sure to take snacks with me for the children. They're only little so I'm worried that they won't be able to sit from the 'arrival time' until the food is served because I don't know how long that will be.

Jesus. You really don't like them do you? You sound deeply unpleasant. Maybe throw some cash at self improving instead of at the wedding couple as your demeanor is lacking

Clefable · 11/09/2023 13:03

If you like them (seems unlikely from what you've written here but hey) then maybe try and alter your perspective to what a nice thing it is to be invited to someone's special day, hmm?

BretonBlue · 11/09/2023 13:04

Did you not incorporate any elements of your DH's cultural heritage into your own wedding, where you might have learned about some of this stuff?

TheBewilderedGoblin · 11/09/2023 13:05

You sound determined to see fault in their arrangements, therefore not a happy and relaxed guest.

I have never had an invite that gives detailed timings.

LadyatLady82 · 11/09/2023 13:07

Erm! You sound horrible. If your DH is Asian you know that the ‘No Boxed Gifts’ is usual you also know being married into the family about Indian/Pakistani timing etc. take some sandwiches and snacks, your kids won’t starve. Try not to be a killjoy cos at the moment you sound like you don’t even want to go! If that’s the case then don’t go!

And on spellings it’s usually a relative in India/Pakistan giving info to a printer somewhere so send the cards over as you generally need 100s so get them made abroad. I’d say you need to chill!!

HarrietJet · 11/09/2023 13:08

I'll also make sure that it's ok for us to sit near the back so I can take the children out if they get a bit fussy so they don't disturb everyone and interrupt the ceremony
Good, but can't you just do this without running it past them first? They don't need to know every little fiddle faddle of how you'll cope with your own children at their wedding.

1415isgreat · 11/09/2023 13:08

Might be a good idea to sit this one out, send your kids with your husband though. I’m sure they will be fine.

No Boxed Gifts is absolutely fine by the way, I wanted to have it on my invite and my mum said no. I ended up with some hideous sets of dishes and things I just did not have space for/need. Wish I had done no boxed gifts from the start!