To want to murder recently retired DH?

[ŁadnaPogoda]

He’s been desperate to take early retirement for a couple of years and finally took the plunge. Although he’s not doing anything with his time. I wfh 2-3 days a week and when I am wfh, he just stands behind me and listens in to all of my Teams calls, making comments. I have to say to him “Please go away, I am going to turn my camera on and speak shortly.” I was interviewing last week and he spent the days lying in bed in a huff, because I wouldn’t let him into the room where I was interviewing. (He could have gone into the sitting room or indeed anywhere else.)

I am going to London tomorrow to spend some time in the office and stay in our London flat to get away from him. He’s just announced that he thinks he will come up to London tomorrow as well, and meet a friend for a drink on Wednesday. Which means he is going to be looming around for three days. Although he can’t follow me into the office, he will be there every evening. I am going to a friend’s big birthday/retirement drinks on Tuesday and he is hugely pissed off that he’s not invited (he doesn’t know friend, has met him a couple of times at most) and thinks he should be invited as my plus one. I’ve said there are no plus ones, it’s not a fucking wedding, and he is now even huffier.

I’ve said I can’t carry on like this and he needs to do something meaningful with his life, or at least do some of the cleaning and cooking, rather than expect me to do it all, but he doesn’t like that suggestion either. I swear I will kill him if he carries on like this. I have a work trip overseas planned next month, and he has said he “might come along.” Nope, not going to happen. It’s a city I lived in when I was growing up, and he is going to want me to be a tour guide “I can’t go out on my own, I don’t speak the language.” It’s like he’s morphed into this giant, helpless baby since retiring, and I can’t stand it.

I'm not sure where to begin - is this the typical Mumsnet demographic?

My DH semi-retired two years ago but he's a mountain bike fiend so often out for hours.

Tbh he's a professional arsehole but, because of his hobby, we're kind of making it work.

At the end of the day though, he's the guy I married and who, for better or worse, I'm going to end my days with.

I'm going to sound like a twat, but mine has had a heart attack, he's doing well but expects me to keep him company and wants to be involved in everything I'm doing. The European qualifiers, old shows of tipping point/the chase and police interceptors are permanently on the television. I remember an older lady once saying "it might be in sickness and in health, but retirement definitely wasn't on the list".

I felt sorry for him until 'at least do some of the cooking or xleaning instead of expecting me to do it'

How dare he. He needs to take over this now - learning new recipes could be a hobby to keep him busy!

YANBU, and I would want to murder him too, but you might manage to turn things round before it gets to death or divorce. There was a similar thread on here recently where someone recommended this blog - it covers a lot of your issues. Do you think you could get him to read it and then sit down and discuss how you are going to manage the change in lifestyles and your different expectations? https://blog.massmutual.com/retiring-investing/surviving-retirement-with-your-spouse

And this was the other thread - lots of useful suggestions for things a newly retired bloke could get involved with: https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/relationships/4888207-help-71-year-old-husband-not-coping-with-retirement-and-taking-it-out-on-me?page=1

My DM became really bossy when my dad retired early and made him do all sorts of chores around the house chopping veg, hoovering etc to keep him busy

He had a really hectic high powered city job with long hours up until then and had commuted in every day. He was absolutely clueless around the house. My DM hated having him under her feet every day at first.

They learnt to bumble along and are now very content. They plan and go on loads of holidays together now. They love each others company now so didn't feel the need to join any groups even though I was always suggesting things they could look into joining

Nah.
She'd have 2 of them hanging around in their pants then.😉

I remember when FIL retired. He really sort of trotted around the house behind MIL- watched her clean, hoover, cook and wash up- never did any of it himself though. Gave 'helpful suggestions' on how she could do it better! DH and I were newly weds at the time and I remember telling him if he ever got like that we were done and he would be lucky to be alive.

My DH was very similar, trailing around behind me, constantly asking where I was or what I was doing. I run my own antiques business and he started to get interested in that, now he does a bit of buying and selling of his own. To be honest, he's not that good at it - he doesn't have a good sense of what will sell and he has a totally unrealistic idea of what an item will sell for, but it keeps him occupied and he has started to get involved in restoration work, which helps me. As a result, he's much less absorbed in my life and is living a bit of his own.

But she's not in the sitting room or kitchen or bedroom. So he has rooms he can use.

It's like having a toddler following you into the loo etc

Me too!

I am early retired as is my husband and I do find it interesting at how differently men and women spend their time in general once they no longer work. I have joined the Ramblers and the U3a and volunteer for our local primary school listening to struggling readers and do online debt counselling. I also swim, cycle, go to the gym and meet friends for walks, cinema and theatre trips and have set myself the challenge of walking the South West Coast Path. I also do the majority of housework, gardening and food shops. He does general house maintenance and I have insisted he do half the cooking.

My husband initially spent all his time pottering about at home until he realised I was never there and has just started to get out and joined a few model railway clubs which he has always been interested in so is starting to find some like minded friends. We all need our own space but I do suggest things we can do together too like National Trust properties and meals out, holidays etc. In our U3a and Ramblers group it is 90% women and 10% men so goodness knows what the men are doing but they seem to be less motivated to get out and about except for golfers which are the exception.

You need to set firm boundaries and tell him he needs to be more self reliant in how he spends his time. Tell him he is not coming abroad with you on work trips or up to London when you have plans with friends. Shut the door of your home office and tell him the meetings are confidential.

Time to lose your temper OP.

Tell him to fuck off out of your workspace for one- that is so wildly inappropriate.

Tell him you're going to London for some space and you'd rather he went a different week.

Tell him he is now going to be responsible for the majority of the chores and cooking. Buy him a cooking class as a retirement present.

He needs some hobbies and somewhere to be.

She’ll struggle to find a lover while her DH is standing behind her and looking over her shoulder in his pants 24/7

Do you actually like him?! It just sounds like you're living with someone for presumably a long time and are surprised now at his behaviour. Obviously retirement is a transition that many struggle with but surely you knew before if he was lazy and controlling or needy and dull. He needs a hobby, start with making the home minimalist or similar, task him with jobs.

Yep…me too
Does the patio need re-doing by chance? I will bring spade.

So he's not working. Won't cook. Won't clean. Won't shop. Actively jeopardizes your job by listening in and commenting on your work calls//meetings.

While you work.

I'd tell him to get a clue and pick up the slack at home and get a hobby or get to fuck.

Did he not plan for retirement? If he didn’t he really needs to start now.
Re-establish old hobbies. Take up new ones.
Enrol on some sort of course —- U3A, local college etc..
Look into man sheds or men in sheds , can’t remember the name.
Voluntary work.
P/T consultancy work maybe?
It does take adjustment, I tailed off work for a year but I was self employed so easier and I’d spent years planning.

I think you're reasonable not to want your OH to tag along with you and I certainly wouldnt want him listening in during work meetings.

I think youre unfair to say he needs to find something to fill his time like a hobby or housework. Not everyone wants that. He might have been itching to retire not so he could do more gardening/travel/learn to play the piano, but simply to escape the pressure of having to commit. Maybe he would be happy just mouching about...justvmske dure he does it separately. Its early days really. You've the luxury of a second home so hopefully things will settle and you'll both adjust.
Incidently what are your plans for retirement? Do they align?

Bolt on the inside of the door should give the message! I could not live like that 🤯

So many MN relationships are mystifying. Standing over your shoulder while you're trying to work, or even on Teams calls, is bizarre behaviour. But why can't you just tell him not to do it? And if you do why does he ignore you? And if you've been married long enough that he's retired, how have you not sorted all this out by now? How has it got to a point where you need to ask the internet for help?

This whole "I hate my extremely needy husband" trope is extremely strange and makes me wonder whow MNers picked out their life companions in the first place.

This sounds hideous. He needs to get a life, not take over yours

I feel your pain but I also feel sorry for him. It sounds like he was really looking forward to retiring but now its reality he's really bored, and maybe a bit lonely too. Not that that excuses him "shadowing" you at work 😮😂

My husband retired a few years ago and the only way it works for me is him going off to play / sail his yacht ! Am actually feeling quite anxious about when he cannot actually play with his hobbie 🤦‍♀️