To want to murder recently retired DH?

[ŁadnaPogoda]

He’s been desperate to take early retirement for a couple of years and finally took the plunge. Although he’s not doing anything with his time. I wfh 2-3 days a week and when I am wfh, he just stands behind me and listens in to all of my Teams calls, making comments. I have to say to him “Please go away, I am going to turn my camera on and speak shortly.” I was interviewing last week and he spent the days lying in bed in a huff, because I wouldn’t let him into the room where I was interviewing. (He could have gone into the sitting room or indeed anywhere else.)

I am going to London tomorrow to spend some time in the office and stay in our London flat to get away from him. He’s just announced that he thinks he will come up to London tomorrow as well, and meet a friend for a drink on Wednesday. Which means he is going to be looming around for three days. Although he can’t follow me into the office, he will be there every evening. I am going to a friend’s big birthday/retirement drinks on Tuesday and he is hugely pissed off that he’s not invited (he doesn’t know friend, has met him a couple of times at most) and thinks he should be invited as my plus one. I’ve said there are no plus ones, it’s not a fucking wedding, and he is now even huffier.

I’ve said I can’t carry on like this and he needs to do something meaningful with his life, or at least do some of the cleaning and cooking, rather than expect me to do it all, but he doesn’t like that suggestion either. I swear I will kill him if he carries on like this. I have a work trip overseas planned next month, and he has said he “might come along.” Nope, not going to happen. It’s a city I lived in when I was growing up, and he is going to want me to be a tour guide “I can’t go out on my own, I don’t speak the language.” It’s like he’s morphed into this giant, helpless baby since retiring, and I can’t stand it.

I had this problem.
I seriously considered buying some pigs and I don't mean as his next hobby.
He did keep attempting housework, it was like having a 2 year old trashing everything then waiting for his medal.
I home work, he didn't stand over me but timed his appearances with hot drink (that i didnt want...i know im ungrateful) so that he could "say hello to everyone" (some meeting were Govt level ffs)
I have encouraged him to rekindle a hobby that used to really bug me as it took up so much of his time, it's now a god send!
You can love him but still not like him much. I'm sorry he's become a knob, I know exactly where you're coming from, as do some of my friends.
You're not alone

He did keep attempting housework

Oh, dear.
My DH fills the dishwasher each evening !! Such a help not - he fails to wipe down the work surfaces, doesn't put things in that are out of immediate dishwasher area, doesn't shake the tablecloth, claims to still not know where some things go so they are left out. Then empties it in the morning so loudly I can't hear the radio.
Such a help!
But he can repair and fix things to a high degree so I settle for that (and have a cleaner).

A lot of good advice in a lot of the previous posters, but they all seem to either suggest things to keep the OP's DH busy, or say that doing so isn't the OP's job - when I think it's not as black and white as that.

OP I think you have two separate problems to tackle:

Firstly, he is a major pain for you, for example getting in the way of you working. You need to very firmly tell him this isn't OK, and stick to your guns - changing this is solely on him, it's not a problem for you to fix. This is a "we need to talk" moment and you need to avoid pussy-footing around when you're explaining this to him, be as direct as possible and avoid anything that could give him the impression that you or a third party are somehow to blame (so e.g. don't say it's because work have a crackdown on handling sensitive information in the home)

Secondly, he is clearly not adjusting well to retirement. I presume you love the man and will want to help him get through this - this is where all the suggestions for how to help bkm (from golf to GP, from music groups to men's sheds) should come in. But you need to make sure this is kept separate from the "he needs to change his behaviour" bit, that cannot be dependent on you fixing him.

One thing I disagree with previous posters on is that a lot of them seem to think that he should be picking up the lion's share of household work now he's retired. I presume that he wouldn't retire early if doing so would mean you couldn't afford to do the same (if this assumption of mine is wrong, then that's a whole other issue), so you continuing to work is your decision, he shouldn't have to do more than 50/50 as a result of that decision.

Do you think that women who take maternity leave or go part time or become at SAHP to care for the couples child/ ren should only do 50% of the child care and housework as well, because it was their choice ?

That depends - someone caring for a baby or young child probably does more than a full-time job so should do less than 50% of housework, someone who is a SAHP to a 14yo (with no additional needs) does less than a full time job should do more than 50% of housework.

In any case, that's in no way related to the OP's situation - it seems the OP isn't working out of financial necessity, but because it's something they want to do. That means it's no different from one party in a relationship choosing some hobby that takes up a lot of their time - it doesn't entitle them to expect their partner do more than their fair share of domestic work.

Does the London flat have a communal patio and understanding neighbours?

In all seriousness, something like men's shed or the U3A might help him

Men's shed is an organisation a bit like the WI, but where men work on their own carpentry projects in company