To want to murder recently retired DH?

[ŁadnaPogoda]

He’s been desperate to take early retirement for a couple of years and finally took the plunge. Although he’s not doing anything with his time. I wfh 2-3 days a week and when I am wfh, he just stands behind me and listens in to all of my Teams calls, making comments. I have to say to him “Please go away, I am going to turn my camera on and speak shortly.” I was interviewing last week and he spent the days lying in bed in a huff, because I wouldn’t let him into the room where I was interviewing. (He could have gone into the sitting room or indeed anywhere else.)

I am going to London tomorrow to spend some time in the office and stay in our London flat to get away from him. He’s just announced that he thinks he will come up to London tomorrow as well, and meet a friend for a drink on Wednesday. Which means he is going to be looming around for three days. Although he can’t follow me into the office, he will be there every evening. I am going to a friend’s big birthday/retirement drinks on Tuesday and he is hugely pissed off that he’s not invited (he doesn’t know friend, has met him a couple of times at most) and thinks he should be invited as my plus one. I’ve said there are no plus ones, it’s not a fucking wedding, and he is now even huffier.

I’ve said I can’t carry on like this and he needs to do something meaningful with his life, or at least do some of the cleaning and cooking, rather than expect me to do it all, but he doesn’t like that suggestion either. I swear I will kill him if he carries on like this. I have a work trip overseas planned next month, and he has said he “might come along.” Nope, not going to happen. It’s a city I lived in when I was growing up, and he is going to want me to be a tour guide “I can’t go out on my own, I don’t speak the language.” It’s like he’s morphed into this giant, helpless baby since retiring, and I can’t stand it.

People have made loads of suggestions on this thread. If you want him to change his behaviour you’ll need to use some of them. And as several PPs have said, you should tell him that this is seriously affecting your marriage and your lives together, and you can’t live like this so he absolutely must change his ways.
The alternative is he carries on as he is, probably gets progressively worse, and you live with it miserably.

DH took early retirement when the children were still fairly young, so he took on a fair amount of child-related tasks at home But now that the youngest is in Y9 and fairly independent he's getting bored as he has no real interest in home maintenance which is the main other thing that needs to be done around the house. Because he's in his 40s, all his friends are at work during the day, so it's a bit dull. He's vaguely considering going back to work part-time, but does also enjoy the leisure of not working.

I have made it quite clear how pissed off I am. I have said that he has six months to find something productive to do. He is not to hang around me while I am working. He won’t sign up for any courses or anything. He doesn’t want to volunteer - he “didn’t give up work just to work for someone else for nothing.” There is a lot he can do in the London house before the work starts - like pack everything into boxes and sort out storage. He asked what happens after six months, and I suggested that we live separate lives, because I can’t carry on having a giant toddler shambling around the house getting in the way and dragging my mood down. He has now decided that he is depressed.

Perhaps it varies by area. We took a look and there didn't seem much that would suit us 62, DH retired, I'm PT)

@ŁadnaPogoda well done on clearly communicating the issues to him and setting a deadline for change.

It sounds like he is using depression as a weapon to guilt you into accepting his behaviour.

perhaps reiterate his behaviour is at risk of making you feel depressed too, and suggest he does some research into things like therapy and mindful exercise so you don’t both end up struggling in your mental health.

I wouldn’t wish depression on anyone but he is in a very privileged position in the sense that it sounds like money or time won’t be an issue. So unlike many others who can’t afford therapy or are busy working etc, he has a lot of resources at his disposal to tackle it.

He needs to get himself to his GP then @ŁadnaPogoda to sort his depression.

From your posts it does sound as though your DH is depressed, but if he won't recognise that in himself there's not a lot you can do. How feasible would it be to lead separate lives .. you in the London flat and him in the other house? It sounds drastic but clearly you can't live like this .. if you genuinely don't want to separate then at least it might shake him into action?

My friends mum retired four times. The first three times she managed a few days or weeks at home with her husband and decided the rat race was a more attractive option.

Golf? This. Within a couple of weeks of my DH retiring (I was wfh), I bought him membership to a golf club frequented by one of his retired friends. 3 days of peace a week,😬

Is t it a coincidence that he's now decided he's depressed when he's having to start pulling his weight around the house.

He's depressed enough that he can't cook dinner, but not depressed enough to go to London with you

Yeah, be careful with the MH thing. My friend's husband chucked work many years ago and afaik has done nothing useful since. She then married him and is now stuck as she will have to fund his retirement too.

I have family with MH issues beyond their control, so I have much empathy but the option to be depressed and do nothing about it would not be acceptable to me.

Well done.

Mark your calendar and hold him to it.

I agree.

@ŁadnaPogoda Did he think about what he was going to do before he retired? Surely he didn’t think “Excellent, I can now spend my days at home in my underpants, following my wife around and listening in on her work meetings”.
Did he not think for a single second about the implications of him not working while you are still working? It really is a breathtakingly foolish lack of planning.

He’s actually sounding very lazy now. Saying he doesn’t want to do voluntary work because it’s unpaid work is missing the point massively.

@FictionalCharacter that would appear to be the case! I had (wrongly, it seems) assumed that he would help with clearing out my mother’s house and pack up the London flat before the builders move in. I suggested golf to him and he sneered. He has sneered at most suggestions. And he is lazy and his laziness has become more obvious since he retired. I shouted the other day when I got in at 8, following an issue with the trains, a long walk home from the station, and he hadn’t even thought about dinner.

There is a lot around us that he could do - he could help out at the library, which is always crying out for volunteers, volunteer with charity shops. He could join a hiking group or ramblers to get him out and get exercise. We are within reasonable distance of both London and Oxford, so he doesn’t have to tie himself to this house and rant about “being surrounded by shit.” He just prefers to wallow. And it’s easier for him to say “Oh I’m depressed” rather than actually make an appointment with the doctor and do something about it. Or he could travel - he could go and visit our other DD in Europe and go by train. But he can’t carry on as is.

You have given him six months to change, and specified how.

That is enough. He is a grown man, let him get on with it. Maintain your boundaries, especially around work.

What will you do if he doesn't change enough? How much is enough?

Whatever he does or does not do, you will have a decision to make in six months time.

Also, what will you do if he does change enough?

He doesn’t want to volunteer - he “didn’t give up work just to work for someone else for nothing.”

So what does he claim he gave up work to do? He must have had some sort of plans or hopes?

I’m retired in my early 60’s and certainly our local branch seems to be 75 plus.
I think most people at 60 are either still working or caring for very young grandchildren.

It does look that way!

He wants OP to plan everything and entertain him. Not reasonable and not happening!

He may be depressed, but that's not something the OP can fix. He needs to either go to the doctors to try to get some help or take responsibility for working out coping strategies himself. There's all sorts of things with mental and physical health where no one can do it for you.

He is bored, he needs You to take him out, You to occupy him,
Is basically turning his thumbs between You making his meals.
Was he any use at work or the office bore? Dragging his feet & watching the clock?
It sounds like after a life of being in his job he is not able to di anything without guide lines.
Could he go back part time? Or are they glad to see the back of him?
Can't he Google clubs in your area? Bridge, DIY, Scrabble, Squash, Tennis, teaching English, or Maths coaching for college kids......( there was a rambling club for retired professionals my Dad used to go to)
Hopefully he will gave had a serious think while you are away

It's not surprising that so many marriages break down at the point of retirement. After a lifetime of working and caring, women rightly think "fuck that" and walk away.

DH is semi-retired whilst I am working full time from home. He has developed this great need to know exactly what my timetable is each week in terms of meetings both online and out of the house, which gets a bit wearing. I tried pointing out that he survived for 30 years without knowing about my work diary, but it doesn't seem to get through. However, I'm not complaining because he keeps very fully occupied including doing loads of housework, to say nothing of bringing me regular cups of tea, so happy days.

He sounds a keeper. Why does he want to know about your meetings? Does he bring you tea in between meetings? 🤣

I find my DH’s diary super dull and he feels the same about mine. He never brings me tea either the bugger, as he hates the stuff.

He has developed this great need to know exactly what my timetable is each week in terms of meetings both online and out of the house,

If I were a cynical type I'd wonder why my DH wanted to know exactly when I'd be unlikely to come out of my office or be out of the house. And what he was up to during those times. A more generous me would assume he just wanted to avoid disturbing my meetings with his helpful hoovering and noisy DIY. Or so he could schedule playing some hideous prog rock.😅

I don't really know why he wants to know about meetings. I don't think he's up to anything, mostly because during online meetings at least I can often see him in the garden or hear him around the house unless he's gone out. He also knows that the fact I'm in a meeting doesn't necessarily mean that I'm stuck in front of the computer, as some are the sort where I can turn the camera off and sneak out. Sometimes there's an element of wanting me to skive off for the sake of having some company, and sometimes there are issues around who is going to volunteer to do the grandchild school collection when DS has an emergency, but generally I just think asking about it is a bit of a habit he's fallen into.

He has been known to bring me tea during meetings, which definitely makes him a keeper. 😁