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Original poster

To want to murder recently retired DH?

408 replies

ŁadnaPogoda · 10/09/2023 22:26

He’s been desperate to take early retirement for a couple of years and finally took the plunge. Although he’s not doing anything with his time. I wfh 2-3 days a week and when I am wfh, he just stands behind me and listens in to all of my Teams calls, making comments. I have to say to him “Please go away, I am going to turn my camera on and speak shortly.” I was interviewing last week and he spent the days lying in bed in a huff, because I wouldn’t let him into the room where I was interviewing. (He could have gone into the sitting room or indeed anywhere else.)

I am going to London tomorrow to spend some time in the office and stay in our London flat to get away from him. He’s just announced that he thinks he will come up to London tomorrow as well, and meet a friend for a drink on Wednesday. Which means he is going to be looming around for three days. Although he can’t follow me into the office, he will be there every evening. I am going to a friend’s big birthday/retirement drinks on Tuesday and he is hugely pissed off that he’s not invited (he doesn’t know friend, has met him a couple of times at most) and thinks he should be invited as my plus one. I’ve said there are no plus ones, it’s not a fucking wedding, and he is now even huffier.

I’ve said I can’t carry on like this and he needs to do something meaningful with his life, or at least do some of the cleaning and cooking, rather than expect me to do it all, but he doesn’t like that suggestion either. I swear I will kill him if he carries on like this. I have a work trip overseas planned next month, and he has said he “might come along.” Nope, not going to happen. It’s a city I lived in when I was growing up, and he is going to want me to be a tour guide “I can’t go out on my own, I don’t speak the language.” It’s like he’s morphed into this giant, helpless baby since retiring, and I can’t stand it.

OP posts:
NeverDropYourMooncup · 10/09/2023 22:42

Mine's going to find out that he's working until he's at least 70 (like me), even if we have to do 3 days a week - I'll make sure mine are the opposite days to his.

Original poster
ŁadnaPogoda · 10/09/2023 22:43

Someone asked about hobbies. He collects old music papers, synthesisers and old books. He likes watching You Tube videos of men with bad comb overs, wearing polyester shirts with short sleeves, breathing through their moths and talking about synthesisers.

OP posts:
Original poster
ŁadnaPogoda · 10/09/2023 22:45

I’ve suggested volunteering, consultancy, part time work. He says he has retired so that he doesn’t have to work…

OP posts:
PackBacker · 10/09/2023 22:47

He needs golf in his life, it’s the best thing ever, especially 18 holes at a far away course. He’ll be fine for hours and it’s very addictive too which is great.

FictionalCharacter · 10/09/2023 22:48

How dare he stand behind you while you're on Teams calls and make comments. That's appalling.

I understand that people can find it hard to adjust to retirement, but that doesn't give them the right to cling to their spouses like whiny toddlers, or lie in bed sulking if they don't get their way.

Employers used to offer pre-retirement courses. Isn't that a thing any more? And why don't people who are about to retire plan what they're going to do? There are several other threads similar to this one.

ErrolTheDragon · 10/09/2023 22:49

ŁadnaPogoda · 10/09/2023 22:43

Someone asked about hobbies. He collects old music papers, synthesisers and old books. He likes watching You Tube videos of men with bad comb overs, wearing polyester shirts with short sleeves, breathing through their moths and talking about synthesisers.

Dear Lord, I think I'd almost prefer the looming.Confused

ManchesterGirl2 · 10/09/2023 22:49

Ban him from coming into the room you are working in. If he wants to lie in bed huffing, leave him to it, he'll eventually get bored and find something else to entertain him.

Titsywoo · 10/09/2023 22:52

ŁadnaPogoda · 10/09/2023 22:45

I’ve suggested volunteering, consultancy, part time work. He says he has retired so that he doesn’t have to work…

He needs a purpose or he will start getting very old before his time and to be honest will likely have a shorter life span. I've seen it time and time again. Retire from your career sure - but replace it with something else where you are still doing something worthwhile but instead it can be something you love and you want to do!

Heronwatcher · 10/09/2023 22:58

Similar here. TL:DR is I sympathise but don’t have an answer, I’m trying an ultimatum but it doesn’t seem to be working!

I had a real shout at him end of last year and told him he had to be out of the house at least 2 days a week. I didn’t give a flying fuck what he was doing as long as he wasn’t doing it within 2 miles of me. I would do the same of course (I work full time and split my time between home and office, I couldn’t be there full time even if I wanted to be). For months before the shouting I’d been making suggestions, like swimming, volunteering, jobs, socialising with friends/ family but no hints were taken.

Obviously hasn’t happened. I’m going to have to raise it again. Thing is he’s a generally good guy, great dad, helpful, does housework, good with money, but he just doesn’t seem to see that I NEED SOME SPACE. Plus, as I said to him, if he doesn’t do anything and barely leaves the house what are we going to talk about? He had a really interesting job, was sociable at work, where now he only speaks to people in Aldi and me and the kids.

I also think that men as they get older are JUST SHIT!!! I have hobbies, friends, like walking, go to the gym, plan holidays, like meeting new people- I could retire tomorrow and be busy. Most women I know are the same. But he just seems to have lost any oomph he ever had and would be happy just pissing about on his phone, doing a bit of housework and watching BBC news. He doesn’t even seem that bothered about his friends. I am starting to wonder if he’s depressed TBH. But he was miserable at work for the last couple of years too and desperate to retire so 🤷‍♀️

NeverDropYourMooncup · 10/09/2023 22:59

ŁadnaPogoda · 10/09/2023 22:43

Someone asked about hobbies. He collects old music papers, synthesisers and old books. He likes watching You Tube videos of men with bad comb overs, wearing polyester shirts with short sleeves, breathing through their moths and talking about synthesisers.

Can't you persuade him to join a prog band? He'll find tens of blokes who will want to discuss the accuracy of his rendition of One Man and His Moog In the Court of the Crimson King or On The Run/Time.

And the average rehearsal/setup/soundcheck and gig will involve him being away for at least 2 nights at a time.

ZadocPDederick · 10/09/2023 23:01

Can you point him towards doing something useful like being a school governor or charity trustee? They're crying out for them and maybe whatever his work skills were will be useful to them? That way he will have his very own Teams calls to deal with and yours might lose their fascination 😁

Original poster
ŁadnaPogoda · 10/09/2023 23:02

@Heronwatcher that’s exactly like my DH. Particularly with wondering if he is depressed. He also hated his job towards the end. I’ve told him to go and stay with his mate on the south coast for a few days to go hiking. He needs to move and get off his arse. He won’t even walk to the next village to go shopping, just sends me a list of what we need if I’m in the office and expects me to pick it up on the way home.

OP posts:
ZadocPDederick · 10/09/2023 23:05

ŁadnaPogoda · 10/09/2023 22:45

I’ve suggested volunteering, consultancy, part time work. He says he has retired so that he doesn’t have to work…

Oh dear, that puts paid to my suggestion. But if he doesn't want to work, surely that should mean he doesn't want to spend his time commenting on or taking part in your work? What if anything did he think he was going to do with his time when he retired?

Dropthedonkey · 10/09/2023 23:05

On a work day for you, could you start leaving him a list of jobs that need doing or things that need buying? Faced with such a list he may suddenly find he has hobbies...

MzHz · 10/09/2023 23:08

Part of our patio is beginning to lift @ŁadnaPogoda

I feel your pain, in similar boat but worse H is still involved in business so needs a desk

3 years I’ve kept this at bay, but now he’s home all the time, he’s decided to buy a desk and site it next to mine… I’ve told him he can’t be there in my work time.

if he causes any issues, I’ll move to a spare room and leave him to it

SMOTHERED!

Blue444 · 10/09/2023 23:10

I feel the same, he's not long retired, no plan. I have a boat and dissappear when I feel I need. Which was 3.5 weeks by myself earlier this year - bliss. Shortly off for another fix. But I am older and retired. Learn to sail and escape maybe?

MzHz · 10/09/2023 23:11

ŁadnaPogoda · 10/09/2023 23:02

@Heronwatcher that’s exactly like my DH. Particularly with wondering if he is depressed. He also hated his job towards the end. I’ve told him to go and stay with his mate on the south coast for a few days to go hiking. He needs to move and get off his arse. He won’t even walk to the next village to go shopping, just sends me a list of what we need if I’m in the office and expects me to pick it up on the way home.

“forget” to pick the stuff up
every single time…

Also, if he does this when you’re in the office, send the list back to him and say, seeing as you’re home, be a love and pop out to get these bits… I won’t have time etc etc

Heronwatcher · 10/09/2023 23:12

@ŁadnaPogoda it’s just so difficult. Thing is on a good day we have a pretty good relationship but if it carries on I can see it causing real problems. I agree it’s going to really age him before his time, he’s just going to be a grumpy old man.

I’m hoping to get some ideas on this thread. If not my next plan is to raise again that he needs to find something, anything, to do at a time when he’s happy and open to ideas, and also at the same time suggesting a visit to the GP.

BelindaBears · 10/09/2023 23:14

This sounds horrendous. Although he doesn’t actually have to find anything to do and has just as much right to be in the house - but he absolutely does have to leave you alone.

ErrolTheDragon · 10/09/2023 23:16

Mine does Philosophy in Pubs and another similar discussion group - he's currently researching a topic for the next meeting. Apart from keeping him busy it makes for more interesting conversation for me too.

PetiteNasturtium · 10/09/2023 23:18

Just speak to him, I’m retired but have various things on including a hiking group. DH isn’t yet but we went along to a festival today and he was intrigued by one of the projects, he doesn’t have time as still works FT but I they would love his skill set, restoration skill set. My friends retired partner gives legal advice to a national charity for free. It is genuinely interesting to him but with a lot less pressure.

Codlingmoths · 10/09/2023 23:20

I’d get a lock on my study door and say that’s my work place and he isn’t allowed in between 8am and 6pm.
he doesn’t cook or clean? And it’s EARLY retirement? Are you sure this is how you want to spend the next 30 years? I’d tell him he needs to pick a simple reasonably
healthy tasty meal 4 x a week , shop for it and cook it, then wash up the other 3 nights; or leave. And you are happy to help with the recipe selection part but will hear no whining. But I told my Dh that a couple of years after we started dating 😁

FourChimneys · 10/09/2023 23:23

That sounds horrendous OP.

Mine has been retired for years but keeps very busy. Voluntary work for three different groups/charities, trustee for something else, plus lots of DIY and suchlike. He has also started studying a subject he's been interested in for ages.

You really need to encourage him as much as you can. Apart from being boring and annoying it is no good for his physical or mental health (although that won't matter if you murder him I suppose).

Andrea87 · 10/09/2023 23:23

Is he sporty - pickle ball is a great game he could try perhaps. Similar to tennis but kinder on the elbows , wrists and shoulders.
What about joining U3A - they have a great varied program.

susan123graeme · 10/09/2023 23:26

I would go and get myself a lover .... he sounds so boring

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