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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To want to murder recently retired DH?

408 replies

ŁadnaPogoda · 10/09/2023 22:26

He’s been desperate to take early retirement for a couple of years and finally took the plunge. Although he’s not doing anything with his time. I wfh 2-3 days a week and when I am wfh, he just stands behind me and listens in to all of my Teams calls, making comments. I have to say to him “Please go away, I am going to turn my camera on and speak shortly.” I was interviewing last week and he spent the days lying in bed in a huff, because I wouldn’t let him into the room where I was interviewing. (He could have gone into the sitting room or indeed anywhere else.)

I am going to London tomorrow to spend some time in the office and stay in our London flat to get away from him. He’s just announced that he thinks he will come up to London tomorrow as well, and meet a friend for a drink on Wednesday. Which means he is going to be looming around for three days. Although he can’t follow me into the office, he will be there every evening. I am going to a friend’s big birthday/retirement drinks on Tuesday and he is hugely pissed off that he’s not invited (he doesn’t know friend, has met him a couple of times at most) and thinks he should be invited as my plus one. I’ve said there are no plus ones, it’s not a fucking wedding, and he is now even huffier.

I’ve said I can’t carry on like this and he needs to do something meaningful with his life, or at least do some of the cleaning and cooking, rather than expect me to do it all, but he doesn’t like that suggestion either. I swear I will kill him if he carries on like this. I have a work trip overseas planned next month, and he has said he “might come along.” Nope, not going to happen. It’s a city I lived in when I was growing up, and he is going to want me to be a tour guide “I can’t go out on my own, I don’t speak the language.” It’s like he’s morphed into this giant, helpless baby since retiring, and I can’t stand it.

OP posts:
illiterato · 11/09/2023 05:36

It’s the combination of hovering and domestic laziness that would drive me nuts. I would be ignoring any shopping lists, that’s for sure.

I think I would spend more time in London and leave him to it, so book TT in office and work W from London flat. He’ll have to fend for himself and hopefully get so bored he finds something to do.

Lawn bowls saved my parents’ marriage when DF retired. The dog saved it in lockdown.

Testina · 11/09/2023 05:37

I’m trying very very hard to be understanding that retirement is a transition.
But I really don’t know why you haven’t at least told him: you are not allowed in my office when I’m working.

Zanatdy · 11/09/2023 05:46

So you’re working full time and still doing all the cleaning and cooking? He’s standing there peeing you off when working and then expects you to finish up and cook his dinner and clean the house? Absolutely no way. You need to have a word with him, about the cleaning and the hanging around you all the time. I get he wants to come to London too, but he has to sort out his own plans. He can’t expect to just tag along as a spare part to someone birthday. I’d tell him that he either makes some plans to do stuff alone or meet some people if he knows anyone or he stays home. Maybe he needs to take up golf or something that will keep him busy.

AuntieEsther · 11/09/2023 05:48

This would drive me entirely insane. I also WFH 3 days a week.
my DH works at his office but he's SE so can WFH if he's only doing computer stuff. On Fridays he's usually out 6.30am-7pm while I'm WFH by which time I'm bathed and cooked dinner and ready for a nice evening. This Friday he WFH and by Saturday morning when he had all his kids over and mobilised them to help clean the house rather than take them out so I could do it, I was absolutely horrible to him. He did nothing wrong whatsoever but I Just. Needed. A bit. Of peace. And I love my husband to distraction and there's nobody else I'd rather hang out with but my god I couldn't be with him 24/7. We wouldn't stay married.

sashh · 11/09/2023 05:51

Sign him up for some sort of class or volunteer opportunity.

And I think you need a nice new patio soon.

Twiglets1 · 11/09/2023 05:56

Sorry I pressed YABU by mistake - peering at my phone without my glasses on.

In case anyone was wondering what sort of dickhead thinks YABU

Forgottenmypasswordagain · 11/09/2023 05:57

He could do with a hobby. My dh is retired and he is always busy with his hobby. Maybe he can consider getting involved in some volunteer work or join a walking group? He could paint a masterpiece, or write a book.

NeunundneunzigHorseBallonz · 11/09/2023 05:57

I’m nowhere near retiring atm, but am already worried I’ll be fantasizing about holding a pillow over DH’s face when he retires.
Not the solution for you, but I have decided to change careers so that I will be able to keep working.

CherryMaDeara · 11/09/2023 05:58

he needs to do something meaningful with his life, or at least do some of the cleaning and cooking, rather than expect me to do it all, but he doesn’t like that suggestion either.

He won’t even walk to the next village to go shopping, just sends me a list of what we need if I’m in the office and expects me to pick it up on the way home.

He sounds very lazy.

Are you working and doing the cleaning and cooking whilst he sits at home retired?

Why doesn’t he do his half of the work?

CherryMaDeara · 11/09/2023 06:01

AuntieEsther · 11/09/2023 05:48

This would drive me entirely insane. I also WFH 3 days a week.
my DH works at his office but he's SE so can WFH if he's only doing computer stuff. On Fridays he's usually out 6.30am-7pm while I'm WFH by which time I'm bathed and cooked dinner and ready for a nice evening. This Friday he WFH and by Saturday morning when he had all his kids over and mobilised them to help clean the house rather than take them out so I could do it, I was absolutely horrible to him. He did nothing wrong whatsoever but I Just. Needed. A bit. Of peace. And I love my husband to distraction and there's nobody else I'd rather hang out with but my god I couldn't be with him 24/7. We wouldn't stay married.

he had all his kids over and mobilised them to help clean the house rather than take them out so I could do it

why couldn’t he clean the house himself without making such a fuss?

Doing it yourself all the time just lets him off the hook.

72EasyLessons · 11/09/2023 06:05

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This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

I’m finding it extremely difficult to imagine a recently-retired woman insisting on standing, clad only in her knickers, in her husband’s home office, ‘supervising’ his Zoom meetings, lying in bed in a huff for three days because said husband wouldn’t let her listen in to work interviews, insisting on accompanying him on work trips, and refusing to do any housework, shopping or cooking.

Ragwort · 11/09/2023 06:12

He does sound pathetic and needy ... my DH also retired early but he is so busy and active .. fortunately he loves golf (!) and is also on the committee at the golf club, hiking, cycling, gardening, volunteering ... he does loads of housework, shopping, cooking ... all the home admin etc etc.

But we've always led fairly independent, separate lives with our own interests and friendship groups. Have you always done things 'together' and now he feels a bit lost as though he expects you to entertain him?

Many of my friends are also now retired and there does seem to be two distinctive groups ... couples who seem to do everything together and others who lead independent lives ... I can't even meet one friend for coffee without her DH tagging along, my DH wouldn't dream of expecting to spend time with my friends.

CherryMaDeara · 11/09/2023 06:13

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

Are you male or a cool wife?

What is the ‘nice’ thing to do here? That OP conduct her work meetings with her husband in the background, visible to all her colleagues? That OP not tell him to do the cleaning and do it all herself?

Summermeadowflowers · 11/09/2023 06:18

I don’t know why so many are assuming the OP hasn’t told her husband not to do various things. If life was as easy as ‘please don’t do that’ then it would be very simple. That said, it is difficult when someone is working from home, and I have to admit I struggle when DH does, it is quite invasive and I tend to spend the days he does feeling as if I am in the way in my own home (I am on maternity leave.) I would be distinctly unimpressed if told I had to be out for at least two days.

Tweedledeee · 11/09/2023 06:18

You don't say how long this has gone on.
I think I would get a cleaner at least once a week if he isn't helping. It would probably encourage him out of the house rather than be cleaned round.
The listening in to work calls is very weird ime.
Perhaps you could both go to badminton/ green bowling/ buy bikes/ volunteer etc with you having the plan to drop it after a short while.
I think he will find things to do but with few friends that will take a while so the above suggestion might speed this up.

StartupRepair · 11/09/2023 06:22

I feel so fed up reading this, a) at the hanging about in your meetings in his pants and b) that it is now your job to cajole, engage and to facilitate him working out how to spend his time as an adult. Women are just always expected to make other people's lives better. It never ends.

FoxtrotOscarFoxtrotOscar · 11/09/2023 06:24

I'd consider this a mercy killing.

Ragwort · 11/09/2023 06:25

Why should the op have to take up some hobby she isn't interested just to keep her DH happy? Sounds like she's having to settle a toddler into a playgroup Hmm. Imagine a DH taking his wife along to the local WI or knitting group!

What were your weekends like before DH retired ... surely he had some interests? How did he spend his time?

Heyhoherewegoagain · 11/09/2023 06:31

There’s not a jury which would convict you or any woman in this position.

I do actually worry that my dh will be a bit like this when he retires. To be fair he’s very house trained and has no issue pulling his weight with housework etc, but has no hobbies at all which worries me.

I work part time, and whilst I always had this rosy idea of us retiring at the same time (he’s 5 years older than me), as time goes on, I think having my work to escape to for those few days will save us! I have plans to take up golf and possibly another “sport” when I retire but he just isn’t interested

PermanentTemporary · 11/09/2023 06:32

I'll be the foreman of the jury, don't worry about it.

In the meantime, I think the prog band /amateur sound engineer is the way forward.

He must have thought about this before retiring, surely? I'm thinking about it and my retirement is 13 years off. I've worked out that I'll be like your dh given the chance, so I should probably take on a retirement job. Thinking about leading a health walks group.

CherryMaDeara · 11/09/2023 06:37

Summermeadowflowers · 11/09/2023 06:18

I don’t know why so many are assuming the OP hasn’t told her husband not to do various things. If life was as easy as ‘please don’t do that’ then it would be very simple. That said, it is difficult when someone is working from home, and I have to admit I struggle when DH does, it is quite invasive and I tend to spend the days he does feeling as if I am in the way in my own home (I am on maternity leave.) I would be distinctly unimpressed if told I had to be out for at least two days.

But DH keeps going into the room where OP is working. Why doesn’t he go to the sitting room or any other room?

And OP is not telling him to be out. SHE wants to go away for a few days but he wants to follow her.

You’re projecting on to the OP.

FlamingoQueen · 11/09/2023 06:47

He’s a giant man baby! I think you may have to put your address on here - there’s plenty who will help you to build a new patio (evil laugh follows).

Bobsledgirl · 11/09/2023 06:48

He needs a hobby. Or a dog!

tell him to join the gym, volunteer somewhere etc. M and S take on older retirees for part time work around Cmas.

He would drive me mad too. He’s bored. Not your responsibility to sort him out but might be easier if you help him.

pickledandpuzzled · 11/09/2023 06:48

I know a couple where it's been the other way around. He retired early through ill health. When she finally got to retire, expecting they'd be able to travel, be spontaneous etc he'd already filled his days with activities.

They're fine- she's always had plenty going on- but she was very upset initially.

muddyford · 11/09/2023 06:51

This is quite normal! Mine had an absorbing hobby, but he couldn't do it all day so in the end he got a part-time job. He perked up after that. But yes, I was thinking about a new patio for the first six months.