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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To want to murder recently retired DH?

408 replies

ŁadnaPogoda · 10/09/2023 22:26

He’s been desperate to take early retirement for a couple of years and finally took the plunge. Although he’s not doing anything with his time. I wfh 2-3 days a week and when I am wfh, he just stands behind me and listens in to all of my Teams calls, making comments. I have to say to him “Please go away, I am going to turn my camera on and speak shortly.” I was interviewing last week and he spent the days lying in bed in a huff, because I wouldn’t let him into the room where I was interviewing. (He could have gone into the sitting room or indeed anywhere else.)

I am going to London tomorrow to spend some time in the office and stay in our London flat to get away from him. He’s just announced that he thinks he will come up to London tomorrow as well, and meet a friend for a drink on Wednesday. Which means he is going to be looming around for three days. Although he can’t follow me into the office, he will be there every evening. I am going to a friend’s big birthday/retirement drinks on Tuesday and he is hugely pissed off that he’s not invited (he doesn’t know friend, has met him a couple of times at most) and thinks he should be invited as my plus one. I’ve said there are no plus ones, it’s not a fucking wedding, and he is now even huffier.

I’ve said I can’t carry on like this and he needs to do something meaningful with his life, or at least do some of the cleaning and cooking, rather than expect me to do it all, but he doesn’t like that suggestion either. I swear I will kill him if he carries on like this. I have a work trip overseas planned next month, and he has said he “might come along.” Nope, not going to happen. It’s a city I lived in when I was growing up, and he is going to want me to be a tour guide “I can’t go out on my own, I don’t speak the language.” It’s like he’s morphed into this giant, helpless baby since retiring, and I can’t stand it.

OP posts:
AuntieEsther · 11/09/2023 06:51

CherryMaDeara · 11/09/2023 06:01

he had all his kids over and mobilised them to help clean the house rather than take them out so I could do it

why couldn’t he clean the house himself without making such a fuss?

Doing it yourself all the time just lets him off the hook.

Show quote history

There was no harm in it. I said 'you take the kids to X place while I clean and I'll meet you after' so he decided they could all do it while I had my breakfast and showered so I could go with them. He thought I was offering to miss out on something nice to clean so he did (most of) it and got the kids 'helping' while I had a really chaotic and noisy breakfast with them 'helping' around me. I wanted a peaceful hour to clean with my music on and join them after. If he hadn't been at home the day before it wouldn't have been so...much but it was just too much!

Fairyliz · 11/09/2023 06:53

gannett · 11/09/2023 00:33

So many MN relationships are mystifying. Standing over your shoulder while you're trying to work, or even on Teams calls, is bizarre behaviour. But why can't you just tell him not to do it? And if you do why does he ignore you? And if you've been married long enough that he's retired, how have you not sorted all this out by now? How has it got to a point where you need to ask the internet for help?

This whole "I hate my extremely needy husband" trope is extremely strange and makes me wonder whow MNers picked out their life companions in the first place.

Have you got children?
If so think about when they were a tiny baby, then think again what they are like as a stroppy teen; it’s a massive change despite being the same person.
When you have a baby you don’t always know what you are getting into. Same situation here.

Strugglingtodomybest · 11/09/2023 06:56

Yanbu, but I'd have this thread deleted else it could be used in evidence.

EthicalNonMahogany · 11/09/2023 06:56

I'm amused by the idea that we could be a Strangers on a Train group. The conspirators kept it all dark but accidentally posted every step of their plan on a well known forum! Truly is it said that the criminal always makes one, fatal mistake.

Tweedledeee · 11/09/2023 06:59

Why should the op have to take up some hobby she isn't interested just to keep her DH happy?

To get him out of her hair.
She's the one complaining not him.
His hobby is quite niche so could take a while to find those with similar interests.

72EasyLessons · 11/09/2023 06:59

Fairyliz · 11/09/2023 06:53

Have you got children?
If so think about when they were a tiny baby, then think again what they are like as a stroppy teen; it’s a massive change despite being the same person.
When you have a baby you don’t always know what you are getting into. Same situation here.

Show quote history

It’s not remotely comparable! The OP presumably chose this person as a life partner in adulthood — it’s her DH, not a baby turned ‘stroppy teen’!

NashvilleQueen · 11/09/2023 07:09

I'd have my camera on for all Teams calls (not just when speaking) so that he can't stand behind you. It's hugely unprofessional for someone to listen in to work calls and you shouldn't allow it at all.

NashvilleQueen · 11/09/2023 07:12

And wear a headset so he can't hear

terriblyangryattimes · 11/09/2023 07:16

My father retired a few years ago and realised he hated not working..but his health wasn't good enough to carry on really. He got very depressed, eventually realised he was depressed and went to see a GP who started him on antibiotics. He's much happier now, and has picked up a couple of hobbies.

I think you need a proper sit-down with him your concerns. It does sound like he's floundering and possible depressed.

CrazyHamsterLady · 11/09/2023 07:20

Do you actually like him? The tone of your post comes across like you loathe him.

Seddon · 11/09/2023 07:20

MereDintofPandiculation · 11/09/2023 03:43

Where would you get the endangered flora from without digging them up yourself?

Show quote history

Totally off topic, but have you never heard of seeds? Propagation? Did you think that all new plants in the garden centre are actually old plants dug up and moved from somewhere else?

Candlelight34 · 11/09/2023 07:24

Do you still like and love him.

What if he never changes could you continue to live with him.

Sit down and speak with him.
Arrange an appointment with GP to rule out depression.
Have some boundaries and a plan.

See if it works.

Mirabai · 11/09/2023 07:30

It’s ultimatum time. You don’t have to kill him but you do need to tell him that the current situation is untenable and divorce will be on the cards if he doesn’t change his MO.

GoryBory · 11/09/2023 07:31

This would really annoy me as I need my space.

But you sound like you have way bigger problems:

or at least do some of the cleaning and cooking, rather than expect me to do it all, but he doesn’t like that suggestion either.

Are you saying he does no cooking or cleaning at all??!!

Even when he was working he should have been doing some of it but now he’s not working he should be doing all of it!

blendedfamly · 11/09/2023 07:34

Ban him from the room when you are working. Tell him it's distracting and affecting you.

Go out, on work trips etc as suits you. Remind him it's healthy to have own space/interests

If he's not proactive with house work/shopping etc. write him a list each day. I appreciate you shouldn't have to but hopefully he will get a routine from that.

Suggest hobbies - golf, allotment, gym etc encourage him to go out for the day, walking. See if there are any local groups to join.

cheezncrackers · 11/09/2023 07:45

Oh God this sounds unbearable and so claustrophobic!! It's not uncommon though. I remember when my DM went through this 10 years ago and many of her friends were going through the same thing. They all wanted to kill their husbands who were just there all the fucking time with nothing to do, expecting their wives to still do all the housework while they moped around at a loose end. God forbid that a hoover was ever got out and pushed round, a dishwasher unloaded, or a bathroom cleaned. Nope. They all seemed to think that reading the paper, pottering in the garden and waiting for their wives to come up with nice social activities for them was the order of the day. There were a couple of divorces.

MissBiljanaElectronika · 11/09/2023 07:47

What a nightmare

how do you cope?

my DH gave up work 3 months ago. He’s 51, we can’t afford to retire. He says he’ll look for a job again in 2024

for 3 months I worked my part time job (25 hrs) which I partly do from home and also did all the housework as I usually do

I lock myself into the bathroom for conference calls (I put a fake background on my calls of a cafe 😁) to avoid him wandering in and starting chatting

i did all the shopping and cooking etc too. Until I snapped and said I am going to just bread and some salami and a tomato for dinner, and he could sort himself out…. He said we could take turns but I said I was beyond that. He now cooks as he likes us eating together…

still that man needs a job again

so jealous of my friends who have husbands with jobs.

but I’ve see a LOT of early retirement cases!

Brefugee · 11/09/2023 07:56

blimey, I'd acquit

My DH is also retired. But he does housework, the shopping, the washing (I do ironing and clean the bathroom/toilet) - he knocks if he wants to come into the room I'm working in, and often brings me a drink and a snack.

I have been pushing him to go out for hikes or bike rides in the nice weather, so he can also enjoy his retirement.

This is a model other retirees could follow: support the working spouse and then you have more free time together.

PylaSheight · 11/09/2023 07:59

Twiglets1 · 11/09/2023 05:56

Sorry I pressed YABU by mistake - peering at my phone without my glasses on.

In case anyone was wondering what sort of dickhead thinks YABU

If you press "YANBU" it will change your vote (and vice versa to change it back) 🙂

Brefugee · 11/09/2023 07:59

bellac11 · 10/09/2023 22:39

Well I think I would be kicking off a bit at work to be honest, thats not fair on anyone living in your home, and you're right it is your home, not your work place, although its morphed into your work place.

But ultimately he needs to find things to do even if you were at work.

Show quote history

do you work in a modern office? it is absolutely normal now that offices have downsized and are offering at least some WFH days as part of their attractive recruiting package. OP doesn't sound as though she doesn't like working at home (did your DH WFH at all, @ŁadnaPogoda ?)

The London trip would absolutely send me batty, it's not so much the clinginess as such, but yes it is the clinginess. But there is a lesson here for everyone: plan your retirement properly. Not just in terms of income and outgoings but what you will do with your time.

LightSpeeds · 11/09/2023 08:00

"I’ve said there are no plus ones, it’s not a fucking wedding..."

Sorry, but this cracked me up 😂

I think for men more than women who've worked all their lives, the sudden loss of a job (even if it's their choice) can be a very difficult transition to make. All the huffing, puffing and hanging around you suggests he isn't going to manage this well by himself.

He needs to get his 'new' life organised so there's some structure and fulfilment for him. I get the feeling you're going to have to majorly help him with this...

MegaSaverMumma · 11/09/2023 08:03

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

Dashel · 11/09/2023 08:04

No experience from DH as we are too young but from watching FIL and other relatives.

Retiring can be tough and a challenge helped, possibly a DIY project or overseeing something like a conservatory going up or in the summer months sorting out an allotment (either a veg patch or proper allotment), putting in a pond.

MIL had no interest in a veg patch but went on about how lovely it would be deliberately. She also told FlL he needed to pull his weight at home so he must learn to cook, she had him enrolled on a cooking course. She got one of his friends to take him to hobbies such as bridge, dominos , indoor bowls and the masons.

FIL used to have a really good job and he retired late as he as happy and was miserable to retire so she likes him kept busy. There is always a job list in their household now.

OnAFrolicOfMyOwn · 11/09/2023 08:07

Can you work from the office full time just for a bit to get him out of this annoying habit?

Spottywombat · 11/09/2023 08:07

Mine retired properly a few years ago. We are quite clingy but even I found the change in dynamic quite difficult. It was the following me around...

The issue is that it's seen as holiday wheras it's really life but no work, so you have to choose to be productive/busy/relaxed.

I would shout, a lot and threaten divorce but I verge on abusive side, which works for us as DH is a tad on the controlling side, so it balances out nicely.

Tbh, yours sounds so annoying, I'd move into the flat.