To want to murder recently retired DH?

[ŁadnaPogoda]

He’s been desperate to take early retirement for a couple of years and finally took the plunge. Although he’s not doing anything with his time. I wfh 2-3 days a week and when I am wfh, he just stands behind me and listens in to all of my Teams calls, making comments. I have to say to him “Please go away, I am going to turn my camera on and speak shortly.” I was interviewing last week and he spent the days lying in bed in a huff, because I wouldn’t let him into the room where I was interviewing. (He could have gone into the sitting room or indeed anywhere else.)

I am going to London tomorrow to spend some time in the office and stay in our London flat to get away from him. He’s just announced that he thinks he will come up to London tomorrow as well, and meet a friend for a drink on Wednesday. Which means he is going to be looming around for three days. Although he can’t follow me into the office, he will be there every evening. I am going to a friend’s big birthday/retirement drinks on Tuesday and he is hugely pissed off that he’s not invited (he doesn’t know friend, has met him a couple of times at most) and thinks he should be invited as my plus one. I’ve said there are no plus ones, it’s not a fucking wedding, and he is now even huffier.

I’ve said I can’t carry on like this and he needs to do something meaningful with his life, or at least do some of the cleaning and cooking, rather than expect me to do it all, but he doesn’t like that suggestion either. I swear I will kill him if he carries on like this. I have a work trip overseas planned next month, and he has said he “might come along.” Nope, not going to happen. It’s a city I lived in when I was growing up, and he is going to want me to be a tour guide “I can’t go out on my own, I don’t speak the language.” It’s like he’s morphed into this giant, helpless baby since retiring, and I can’t stand it.

Sorry, didn't mean to impose with my personal nightmare.

But Please Girls, remember your WORTH
Remember, at any time, your DP (orvyou) could be struck down for whatever reason.
It's as instant as that.
SNAP.
Your life could essentially be burned down in flames

@Mix56 your post about your DH was relevant to the thread, as it sounds like you had similar problems with him as everyone else on here when he retired.

I also think it's relevant to the thread to remind us all that life can indeed change in an instant. I am so sorry to hear what you are dealing with, have nothing to offer except I am sending strength. You'll know this already, but it bears repeating: in situations like you are facing, the support of people on MN who are going through similar is nothing short of a godsend.

There's a pub near me that markets itself this way.

Some people have to be bluntly told what to do/not to do.
DH and DS had to be told that when I’m eating or in the toilet/bathroom just leave me alone. None of them liked it but I was straight with them.

I can’t imagine being PITA neither I’m going to tolerate one doing helicopter on me.
There are always jobs to do round the house or find yourself a hobby that doesn’t involve me.

I am happy to participate in conversation or share activity but after being at everybody’s beck and call for most of the day I also need “me” time to relax and unwind without anybody imposing their presence on me

As the saying goes.. married for life but not for lunch

Honestly? I think the hanging around, getting under your feet is a bit of a red herring.

The issue is that this man considers himself to be the main character in his house. Intellectually, he knows that his wife isn’t a robot who turns off and wheels into a cupboard when he isn’t around … but he is still a bit surprised that this isn’t the case. Her real job is to amuse him, feed him, keep his house running - that she has actual, paid work to do is not something he really considers.

I must admit that I am imagining Boris Johnson. I bet he is really good at getting in the way when he is under occupied.

All the posters who have suggested organising activities / writing lists of jobs mean well but this is still the OP having to amuse her husband. He isn’t a tiny child.

Today he did a bit of resentful and martyred hoovering, largely because the cat had kicked a load of litter out of its box. The washing up from last night was still there at lunchtime, so I did it as I couldn’t stand the mess. I’ve just logged off. He has been lying on the bed all day looking at his phone. As soon as I logged off, he asked what was for dinner. I asked if his appetite was triggered by my computer’s shutting down noise. There is nothing in to eat; I suggested that he go shopping earlier but he “didn’t fancy going into the village.” I’ve had a hugely busy day, so it will be takeaway again. He did cook last night but it was horrible (he won’t follow a recipe - he likes to be “creative” and it is generally something weird and underseasoned like last night - boiled lentils with tomatoes and fried onions and carrots with ginger). I am away with work all next week and can’t wait.

Jeez, that is taking the piss.

I may have had periods of sitting around the house being a bit shit as DH worked but he always had his tea done for him.

boiled lentils with tomatoes and fried onions and carrots with ginger

That is so close to being a decent daal - which probably makes it even more disappointing.

Cripes. You've got your work cut out for you here.

Hack through those apron strings and be sure to be fully occupied with your own life while he ponders what he's going to do with his.

To be fair the lentils were better than the sausage stew with cloves. DD cried because it was so horrible. I agree - a bit more effort and it could have been a nice dhall or a veg curry.

I worry about my DH being like this too. The problem is, those who are likely to enjoy doing a hobby, volunteering etc don’t need it suggested to them - they just do it!

my DH is winding down to retirement. He doesn’t read, have any hobbies and only has a couple of friends - and he hates his own company! He is currently part time (2 days a week) and every day he’s off, just as I’m getting a morning coffee and getting my mumsnet on catching up with the world news, he claps his hands and says “what are we doing today?” I’ve often got plans with friends, a gym class booked or am looking forward to my book but feel I need to do stuff with him. I’m letting it ride for the moment as it’s a bit of a settling in period, but he’s going to need to learn to keep himself occupied!

I think I would have found it hard not to throw something heavy at him. He really is actually taking the piss! If you have the ingredients, make yourself and DD some beans on toast and let him fend for himself, the lazy chancer.

Tell him, in a very unvarnished manner, that he needs to pull his socks up and stop acting the fool, as you find his current attitude very unattractive indeed. 🌹

Yep he sounds like he’s at the very least going through an awful phase… but selfish not to make you dinner IMO.

He's a dick.

YOu're still working full time and he waited til you logged off to ask you what's for dinner? And when he does cook, it's awful? Sounds contrived.

Tell him to get to fuck and order something in just for you. Stop doing anything for him.

Oh well, OP, you'll have to live with it, won't you? Never mind.

You are going to have to have the talk.
Did he choose early retirement to lie on a bed & wait for the day ti go by?
You are still working hard, you are not going to clean, shop & cook as well when he has wasted the entire day.

Have you told him how spoilt and selfish it is to lie in bed all day then expect to be cooked for?

Holy mother of God, that dinner sounds awful. That has been be weaponised incompetence. And sausages with CLOVES?

When you said he cried it was so bad, my first thought was that he was putting it on, but is there any chance that he's depressed? I mean, maybe he's come abruptly to realise that he's not got any interests, and his lack of any intellectual furniture, as it were, is depressing. I'm not saying he's unintelligent - but his life sounds barren. Learning that about yourself late in life must be daunting. You said he was drinking more than usual, that can lead to low mood.

Of course, crying because he doesn't like the food is a toddler type behaviour. A lot of this sounds like some kind of infantile regression. The refusal to follow a recipe and 'be creative' sounds awful... How can he be creative if he thinks cloves go with sausages? He has to have the basics down before he can experiment.

I really don't know what to suggest. He needs to get a life, but it's not your job to make him. Has he at least accepted that he should stop looming over you while you work?

I think it was the OP's daughter who was brought to tears by the appalling lentil dinner, not her lazy arse of a husband.

He sounds incredibly lazy. And annoying.

Sorry, it was the clove flavoured sausage stew that was even worse than the lentils.

He did cook last night but it was horrible (he won’t follow a recipe - he likes to be “creative” and it is generally something weird and underseasoned like last night - boiled lentils with tomatoes and fried onions and carrots with ginger)

That made me laugh. My husband rarely follows recipes too but at least he will admit when he’s messed up and cook something else. Thankfully it doesn’t happen very often.

Yes! Especially as the OP (from what she has said) is actually quite senior at her workplace … she works full time and has busy days. She goes away on work trips and part of her job is interviewing people online. She isn’t working for pin money, what she does is probably important to her colleagues.