To want to murder recently retired DH?

[ŁadnaPogoda]

He’s been desperate to take early retirement for a couple of years and finally took the plunge. Although he’s not doing anything with his time. I wfh 2-3 days a week and when I am wfh, he just stands behind me and listens in to all of my Teams calls, making comments. I have to say to him “Please go away, I am going to turn my camera on and speak shortly.” I was interviewing last week and he spent the days lying in bed in a huff, because I wouldn’t let him into the room where I was interviewing. (He could have gone into the sitting room or indeed anywhere else.)

I am going to London tomorrow to spend some time in the office and stay in our London flat to get away from him. He’s just announced that he thinks he will come up to London tomorrow as well, and meet a friend for a drink on Wednesday. Which means he is going to be looming around for three days. Although he can’t follow me into the office, he will be there every evening. I am going to a friend’s big birthday/retirement drinks on Tuesday and he is hugely pissed off that he’s not invited (he doesn’t know friend, has met him a couple of times at most) and thinks he should be invited as my plus one. I’ve said there are no plus ones, it’s not a fucking wedding, and he is now even huffier.

I’ve said I can’t carry on like this and he needs to do something meaningful with his life, or at least do some of the cleaning and cooking, rather than expect me to do it all, but he doesn’t like that suggestion either. I swear I will kill him if he carries on like this. I have a work trip overseas planned next month, and he has said he “might come along.” Nope, not going to happen. It’s a city I lived in when I was growing up, and he is going to want me to be a tour guide “I can’t go out on my own, I don’t speak the language.” It’s like he’s morphed into this giant, helpless baby since retiring, and I can’t stand it.

Mix56
Read your message, hope you are doing okay yourself as I see circumstances are challenging unexpectedly. 💖

Yes, Charlotte is the grimly ordinary economic flipside of the Lizzy/Darcy love match.

Basically, she decides on balance that, as a plain older woman (at 27!), who is ageing out of a competitive marriage market and will otherwise end her days economically dependent on a younger brother who is already complaining about it, that marrying a man who is ridiculous and pompous, but respectable, not cruel and something of a known quantity because of his connection to the Bennets, is worth it for the sake of having her own household, more independence and authority etc. She would have thought through the sex before deciding to try to get him to propose, and will probably moot separate bedrooms after a couple of little olive branches.

Remember a large part of Collins’ attraction is that he will inherit Longbourn, putting her back close to her family and friends as soon as Mr Bennet dies.

(Austen nearly did similar herself, accepting a proposal from the lumpen but rich brother of her friends for the sake of a home for her mother and sister, but slept on it, changed her mind and fled the house at dawn…)

@Ragwort I agree. I can't believe the amount of posters encouraging OP to organise activities and play dates for him like he's a child. My grandad died 20 years ago and it hasn't stopped my nan from enjoying her life, as much as I'm sure she misses him. My mums much older husband recently died and she is still able to go on. She doesn't have many hobbies but has always been happy in her own company. Both of these men sounded like OP's husband though. Babied and couldn't be left alone for more than a few hours without sulking. Luckily my DH isn't like that. We are about 30 years away from retirement but I won't need to be his only source of entertainment.

I’m getting really stressed just reading this 😳

@72EasyLessons
Hundreds, (literally 350 tom plants etc) of tomatoes/peppers/aubergines/coougettes/melon/butternut/asparagus/french beans/onions/artichokes/onions
depending on the season obvs.
Potentially fabulous fresh untreated veg. In reality, ridiculous quantities he gave away. (like his father before him)

I can recommend HelloFresh for retired husbands to cook. Mine wouldn't/couldn't/can't cook either but he can manage to follow the instructions/pictures and produce a good meal for when I get home from work now. I told him if he could follow an SOP at work (he's a scientist with a PhD!) then he can follow a HelloFresh recipe!

@Sigmama I don’t work part time - not sure where you got that from. We also don’t have “multiple properties.” We have the house in the country, which was my mother’s house, which will be sold once probate comes through. We’re lucky enough to have it at our disposal to live in, while our London home is being renovated. (Although the London home is currently just about habitable, it won’t be shortly.)

He’s off to the RA this morning and is meeting a friend for dinner.

Whoah.

I wish we were neighbours. (Vegetarian household. I could eat my body weight in asparagus.)

I had to firmly remind my DH that before he retired, I had my own life. I wasn't an instant bolt-on accessory to his new-found freedom.

I had to exert cast-iron boundaries, including a reminder that if he asked me one more time "what's for lunch?" that I would not be held responsible for my actions.

fix a lock on the inside of your home office door, notice on the outside P... o.. or words to that effect,
second hide his passport to stop him coming on your away work trip
third, play to his ego, and suggest he takes his vast skill set to Citizens advice
fourth, find a patio

She also seemed to twig that Mr Collins was fairly easy to keep at arm's length - by the time Lizzy visits with Maria and her father, Charlotte has already got a set up in place whereby she doesn't actually see her husband that much. I should imagine it would have been easy to persuade him that separate bedrooms would be more appropriate and by the time children came along they'd be living quite separate lives.

I always thought that Charlotte played a blinder.

Retired DH long term rehab project, eventually/reluctantly he took up Gusto meal duties (3 days pw) I had to starve him out with marathon steamed salmon/spinach diet (claims allergy/dislike of both).
He resents monotonous routine of domestic management but is good at one off (glory) projects, so try to mix and match to maintain domestic harmony.
I need solitude, so struggle with the ghostly presence talking through Woman's Hour.
Have to stop myself screaming JFDI when galloping through the never ending chores whilst he stare into his screen......for hours.
Retired DHs do need to step and engage domestically and have their own interests to avoid suffocation on all levels 🤓
Standing by with shovel

@72EasyLessons
@Mix56

I wish we were neighbours. (Vegetarian household. I could eat my body weight in asparagus.)

Ooh me too! LOVE roasted veggies and griddled asparagus served with a light dressing whilst still warm.. 🌹

I feel your pain. I have worked from home for years. Beginning of lockdowns husband decided to take early retirement. Right thing at time we agreed he would look for a part time job In future. We had massive building work. He would decorate after saving us monies. 3 yrs later he is massively obese and unfit. House still needs redecorating from building work occasionally he might do an hour. He doesn't help himself health wise. Does nothing around the house. Massive arguments constantly. I earn more than enough so money isn't the issue. Having him sat around all day is an issue. We have been together 40 yrs this Yr. I have provided a good lifestyle. We have 2 adult sons living at home. It drives me mad. Hoping to get some tips but showing solidarity.

Oh man, I had been a little impatient with dh and his ever expanding cycling hobby but this thread has been a real eye opener. Never again will I roll my eyes as he enters yet another race complete with ridiculous training schedule. This is an investment.

I don't think these situations are comparable really. I bet if these mens wives died they would work out how to fill their time no problem.

If these men's wives died... there must be exceptions but I haven't yet met a widower who was single for more than five minutes six months. I can't really talk myself as I met dp within 2 years of dh dying, but I'm unusual among the widows I know, most of whom seem pretty OK being permanently single.

If these men's wives died... there must be exceptions but I haven't yet met a widower who was single for more than six months. I can't really talk myself as I met dp within 2 years of dh dying, but I'm unusual among the widows I know, most of whom seem pretty OK being permanently single.

I was saying that while watching that Mum and Dad dating show last night. Why are these mature women so desperate to get married (again)? OK I wouldn't mind a relationship if I were single but I'd not be looking for it and I wouldn't particularly want to live with someone again were I not with DH.

Agree, but what I mean is that these men can fill their own time, when their wives die, even if that is by being proactive and finding new wives.

TikTok is full of middle aged women saying that they have no desire to find another man after they divorce or are widowed, they are perfectly content and don't need anyone to look after.

I was certain I would never live with anyone again. Certain. Tbh being free of the caring role (not free of dh himself) was a complete liberation. But here I am with dp about to move in. I have an inconveniently high sex drive and have also stupidly fallen in love with dp, to the point where I want him around. I feel a bit of a failure tbh. Luckily he has a massive nerd/fan boy streak so can happily occupy himself indefinitely, so I am predicting nil appearances in his pants on Teams.

My DH is currently negotiating his glide path to full retirement the year after next. He says there is so much he wants to do but when asked is very light on detail of what this actually is. I'm laying down some markers already by suggesting insisting that we will each need our own hobby room/study/office and we've already discussed which rooms those are going to be. He doesn't know but I've also enquired about the waiting list at the local allotments after he expressed interest in a colleague's veg patch.
We survived WFH in lockdown but he was working full time then and I'm not kidding myself that this is going to be a major adjustment. Fortunately he recognises that having independent interests and hobbies is healthy. I'm hoping he can make his own friends too. But he's not a 'down the pub' or sporty type. I meet up with friends for a walk/coffee/lunch. Do retired men ever do the same? I just can't envisage a bunch of even a couple of men sitting in the kitchen having a proper catch-up over tea and cake.

@ŁadnaPogoda mam nadzieję,że jest ładnie tam gdzie jesteś 🙂

I remember the slogan from one of MN threads „you stab,we slab” and shit mermaid comes to mind.
Some people don’t realise how intrusive they are.

I remember lockdown when DH was furloughed and kids off school and everybody under my feet. While DH had a few hours to himself every day I never got peace from them until I went to work.Reminded me of these early motherhood years where I had 2 under 3 constantly clawing on me, then DH wanting the company when I just wanted to relax and read/watch something by myself.Still remember how hurt they were when I stated that I needed some time for myself. How dared I want to be myself, not just mother,wife and household appliance.

@Mix56 💐to you. So sorry to hear your news.

Avid gardener here,would love to live beside my veg loving friends.

@billy1966 I liked Charlotte. She was a true friend of Lizzie, got herself a life away from her FOO and manouvred her arsehole husband out of her parlour.

Your post made me giggle, that's lovely you found yourself a good egg, despite yourself! 😂

Interesting that he seems to think that he is too cool for domestic drudgery. You need to write him daily chores lists to keep him out of your hair.

I bet if these men's wives died they would work out how to fill their time no problem.

Eventually, perhaps, but for men of this type it's certainly not 'no problem'. I know one who was totally at a loss for several years. He did fill his time, but was completely unable to fill it alone (or to join any activity or a social group that he wasn't already part of). He went on a constant round of dropping in on neighbours and nearby realitives, and if none were available he'd go to a cafe just to be around people. He didn't make and eat any meals - not so much as a sandwich - in his own house until lockdown hit 2 years later and he had no choice.