To want to murder recently retired DH?

[ŁadnaPogoda]

He’s been desperate to take early retirement for a couple of years and finally took the plunge. Although he’s not doing anything with his time. I wfh 2-3 days a week and when I am wfh, he just stands behind me and listens in to all of my Teams calls, making comments. I have to say to him “Please go away, I am going to turn my camera on and speak shortly.” I was interviewing last week and he spent the days lying in bed in a huff, because I wouldn’t let him into the room where I was interviewing. (He could have gone into the sitting room or indeed anywhere else.)

I am going to London tomorrow to spend some time in the office and stay in our London flat to get away from him. He’s just announced that he thinks he will come up to London tomorrow as well, and meet a friend for a drink on Wednesday. Which means he is going to be looming around for three days. Although he can’t follow me into the office, he will be there every evening. I am going to a friend’s big birthday/retirement drinks on Tuesday and he is hugely pissed off that he’s not invited (he doesn’t know friend, has met him a couple of times at most) and thinks he should be invited as my plus one. I’ve said there are no plus ones, it’s not a fucking wedding, and he is now even huffier.

I’ve said I can’t carry on like this and he needs to do something meaningful with his life, or at least do some of the cleaning and cooking, rather than expect me to do it all, but he doesn’t like that suggestion either. I swear I will kill him if he carries on like this. I have a work trip overseas planned next month, and he has said he “might come along.” Nope, not going to happen. It’s a city I lived in when I was growing up, and he is going to want me to be a tour guide “I can’t go out on my own, I don’t speak the language.” It’s like he’s morphed into this giant, helpless baby since retiring, and I can’t stand it.

I also think Charlotte Collins played a blinder. I have taken note of her apparently odd choice of the darker inferior sitting room. It puzzled Lizzie until she realised that Mr Collins' study had the view of the road so Charlotte did not have to bear his tedious interruptions every day as he watched for Lady Catherine's carriage.

I’m so sorry Mix56 that’s really hard 💐. Do you have any family support?

Thanks for the kind messages. So much more empathy than his selfish shallow family.

I'm so sorry for your situation Mix56. It sounds awful. We've been joking about over -dependant husbands but that's really tough.

@72EasyLessons @BrightYellowDaffodil @FrenchBoule

Agree with you all.
I so loved Charlotte's joy in her little sitting room full of peace, mistress in her own home, such practical wisdom.

Is there any greater joy than a sunday afternoon in front of a gorgeous fire and coming upon an Austin to savour.

My husband will fly into tell me and I invariably down tools, feet up, glass of red wine and dinner will have to cook itself.

@Mix56 I am so sorry that things are now so very hard for you.
I cannot imagine how hard life is to suddenly have to be a carer.
Hell I would imagine about covers it.

Do you need help disposing with his body ….. 😂

Sounds like you need to put a lock on the door of the room you work in and say, very politely but very firmly "Client confidentiality - I'm not allowed to have anyone else in the room with me listening in on work conversations". You will have to be firm with him - as he's clearly being totally unreasonable. It's HIS responsibility to find ways to fill his time - not yours and certainly not when you're busy earning your income. Maybe you need to do a quick read on assertiveness training? The whole idea of which is that there are three ways to react in any given situation - passively (ie let the other person walk over you), agressively (ie being aggressive to the other person) or assertively (ie being clear/calm/polite but VERY VERY firm). THE thing I picked up as the mainstay of assertiveness training is the "Broken record technique" and one just keeps repeating the same message again and again and again (ie like a broken record) until what you're saying sinks in. I've used that with a bad neighbour that was harassing me for instance. Have also used with a man who was being demanding of having sex with me when we werent in a relationship and I didnt want to. On both occasions I had to keep repeating that same phrase about 10-12 times before it finally sunk into their thick heads that I meant it. They realised what I was doing - ie same message on constant repeat and got the drift that that meant I was serious.

Yep just kill him !!!

Watching with interest.

Mine isn't as bad as some but it's early days.

Sorry to hear about your DH @Mix56

I meet up with friends for a walk/coffee/lunch. Do retired men ever do the same?

Yes, mine occasionally meets up with some retired former colleagues for a walk and pub lunch.

It's a massive life change for him. No casual chats with colleagues, no moaning about workload, no stolen extra minutes on teabreak, no commuting.
Yes, his behaviour is exasperating and you need an open discussion but give him time. You can't change a lifetime habit in a few weeks. Will he take on a house project or voluntary work?
When I stopped going out to work I was impossible to live with. DP said, 'For God's sake, woman, please go back to work!' and he was justified.
Cut your DH some slack.

Yes my DH is perfectly capable of meeting up with friends, either for golf, hiking, general socialising, volunteering etc ... this week he met up with old friends from Uni (they graduated over 40 years ago) .

Will he take on a house project or voluntary work?

You can filter to read only the OP's posts if you don't have time to read the whole thread. She's already said he won't.

@toxic44

When I stopped going out to work I was impossible to live with. DP said, 'For God's sake, woman, please go back to work!' and he was justified.

But did you invade his workspace and make a nuisance of yourself hanging over his shoulder, making unwanted comments whilst wearing only your pants? And have a megasulk when he wouldn't let you listen in on interviews? 🌹

Sounds like he irritates the sh*t out of you.
Do you even like him?
I'd get rid if I were you...

Seeing this clearly is a life changing moment.

I stopped doing my makeup and wore old clothes. I also prodded him about jobs I thought needed doing, such as reminding him to empty the WPBs, which he usually did, or why didn't he mop the kitchen floor. Nagged him the windows could do with a clean. I wanted constantly to know what he was doing, what he was reading. I got irritated when he wouldn't chat. In short I was PITA.

I also prodded him about jobs I thought needed doing, such as reminding him to empty the WPBs

What is a WPB?

Waste paper bin/basket.

And if you're bored enough to nag about them, you're bored enough to empty them yourself.

I guess if you're not going to be where you are for that long, it limits your DH's choices a bit? And he may feel there's limited benefit in getting to know people in a local club or getting into local history if he's only going to be around for a few months more.

i would be enraged by his behaviour.

How about some voluntary work? Food banks and community fridges are always looking for volunteers, inc. drivers to deliver food to those housebound. He could contact the Trussell Trust for starters. Hopefully he will pull his finger out and find something to do that is meaningful. There are also groups that need people to do voluntary dog walking for people who are unwell, elderly and housebound.

He could also volunteer at an animal rescue place.

Good luck.

Oh my I feel your pain. My DH retired last summer and has found it so difficult. He is naturally very lazy and thought he’d initially have the summer off with me, then after Christmas he was going to volunteer. He didn’t instead he sat on the sofa all day and got depressed and drank. It all blew up when he got hospitalised for two weeks this summer as a result of it all. He now faces a long road to recovery. Retirement is really difficult. A lot of people struggle.

@Mix56 I’m so sorry. That must be incredibly tough.

DH plans to project manage the renovation of the London property but that has ground to a halt as we’ve had to apply for listed building permission before anything can start.

He’s been out with a friend today and is in a much better mood. @Cornishgorl44 that is my worry. He’s already drinking more than he used to.