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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To want to murder recently retired DH?

408 replies

ŁadnaPogoda · 10/09/2023 22:26

He’s been desperate to take early retirement for a couple of years and finally took the plunge. Although he’s not doing anything with his time. I wfh 2-3 days a week and when I am wfh, he just stands behind me and listens in to all of my Teams calls, making comments. I have to say to him “Please go away, I am going to turn my camera on and speak shortly.” I was interviewing last week and he spent the days lying in bed in a huff, because I wouldn’t let him into the room where I was interviewing. (He could have gone into the sitting room or indeed anywhere else.)

I am going to London tomorrow to spend some time in the office and stay in our London flat to get away from him. He’s just announced that he thinks he will come up to London tomorrow as well, and meet a friend for a drink on Wednesday. Which means he is going to be looming around for three days. Although he can’t follow me into the office, he will be there every evening. I am going to a friend’s big birthday/retirement drinks on Tuesday and he is hugely pissed off that he’s not invited (he doesn’t know friend, has met him a couple of times at most) and thinks he should be invited as my plus one. I’ve said there are no plus ones, it’s not a fucking wedding, and he is now even huffier.

I’ve said I can’t carry on like this and he needs to do something meaningful with his life, or at least do some of the cleaning and cooking, rather than expect me to do it all, but he doesn’t like that suggestion either. I swear I will kill him if he carries on like this. I have a work trip overseas planned next month, and he has said he “might come along.” Nope, not going to happen. It’s a city I lived in when I was growing up, and he is going to want me to be a tour guide “I can’t go out on my own, I don’t speak the language.” It’s like he’s morphed into this giant, helpless baby since retiring, and I can’t stand it.

OP posts:
LadyVorkosigan · 16/09/2023 19:15

I am from the same country as you, OP, judging by your username, and I've been in a similar situation. For the love of god, do not take him with you on your trip. You want to see family, catch up with friends, and do things to please yourself, not feel obliged to make his stay fun so that he doesn't feel left out. It's actually selfish of him to try to intrude like this. Stand firm!

sassyclassyandsmartassy · 16/09/2023 20:40

Noise cancelling headphones will be your friend by the sounds of things!!!

My DH knows how direct I am…. I would literally turn round to him and say ‘what are you doing?’ With my famous one eyebrow raised!!!

as for the London thing it would be ‘well why on earth did you think you would be invented when you have never had anything to do with X?’.

I am also somewhat impervious to sulking, I simply ignore that sort of behaviour as I have no time for it!

Countdown2023 · 16/09/2023 21:31

Get him on some courses eg cooking

that or he has to find a part time job

Ukrainebaby23 · 17/09/2023 09:03

And this is why alot of places recommend a steady wind down at the end of a career rather than just switch off. People are lost and don't know what to do with themselves. Almost like a bereavement, though that's not fair on bereaved people so perhaps a poor comparison.

He needs a hobby/volunteer/,passion occupation. Men's shed or similar, perhaps. CAB, food bank, church, anything ...

Or u retire too.

BinturongsSmellOfPopcorn · 17/09/2023 11:45

Or u retire too.

So she can entertain her 'D'H full time? Not her job - whether she's in paid employment or not.

WeAreBorg · 17/09/2023 12:14

Can anyone explain why men, when their children are little and in need of care, have all manner of interests - golf, fishing and cycling. Such hobbies involve spending large amounts of money and necessitate long periods of time away from home.

Then they retire and all of a sudden cannot think of a single thing to do and just lie around in their pants all day. I bet if you were to acquire a grandchild he’d miraculously find a new all consuming interest.

I’m available as an alibi to you or literally any woman who possesses one of these retired husband horrors

Ragwort · 17/09/2023 16:17

I agree WeAre it's mind boggling how pathetic some of these men are, my retired DH is not perfect (neither am I of course) but at least he is capable of amusing himself and not needing me to manage his diary. He would be insulted if I tried to 'manage' his time. His days are full - hiking, golf, fishing, volunteering, housework, shopping, cooking ... but he was a fully competent adult when I met him .. plenty of interests and hobbies and knew how to maintain his own home so nothing has changed.

Daffodilwoman · 17/09/2023 18:57

WeAreBorg because they are lazy bastards.

Original poster
ŁadnaPogoda · 17/09/2023 19:58

He has been a fully competent adult for years. It’s just stopped the past few weeks. I shouted at him and DD today and said I am tired of cooking and having to wash up as well, so DD has made a roster for the next week when I am away. I have been packing up my Mum’s China and glass for the charity shop - he hasn’t helped at all, just asked this morning how much longer it’s going to sit in the sitting room and dining room. I handed him a box and paper and told him to crack on, which he did with very bad grace.

I went out to meet a friend for lunch and came home to him sitting on the sofa in the dark “because he is depressed.”

He then suggested he come to London with me tomorrow (I have an early flight on Tuesday) and I said “Please don’t.”

OP posts:
ihadamarveloustime · 17/09/2023 20:10

Tell him to get his backside to the GP then, but that you suspect the real problem is that he retired without a plan. You are not going to babysit him. You are working. He needs to make find something to do with his days and pick up the slack at home to support you while you work. If he can't do this, then he needs to find a job.

Coralsunset · 17/09/2023 20:16

ŁadnaPogoda · 17/09/2023 19:58

He has been a fully competent adult for years. It’s just stopped the past few weeks. I shouted at him and DD today and said I am tired of cooking and having to wash up as well, so DD has made a roster for the next week when I am away. I have been packing up my Mum’s China and glass for the charity shop - he hasn’t helped at all, just asked this morning how much longer it’s going to sit in the sitting room and dining room. I handed him a box and paper and told him to crack on, which he did with very bad grace.

I went out to meet a friend for lunch and came home to him sitting on the sofa in the dark “because he is depressed.”

He then suggested he come to London with me tomorrow (I have an early flight on Tuesday) and I said “Please don’t.”

I think I probably would end up murdering him. So sorry OP.

LookItsMeAgain · 17/09/2023 20:23

I'd take him out for a nice drive (when you get back) to your GP's surgery and go in with him to the GP (like a mother does with her child) and speak to the GP like he isn't in the room.

FFS!

I really think he needs a wake up call. Tell him that if he doesn't shape up, you and DD are shipping out and then 100% of everything will be down to him.

continentallentil · 17/09/2023 20:36

There is a load of research about how quitting work completely increases your chances of Alzheimer’s. Pull that out and give it to him.

Tell him he can have a year off and then he needs to get a 2-3 days a week gig - paid or not - no ifs or buts - or your marriage is in danger. You usually get 5 years well paid consultancy before you become irrelevant.

During his year off - ground rules - he cannot hang around you like a sick puppy, he cannot interrupt when you are working like a preschooler, ask you to pick things up from the shop like a teen, or expect you to take him on trips like your depressed widowed mum. If he doesn’t like cooking he can buy his share of the meals from m and s. Assuming you still have a sex life tell him that such behaviour would make any woman’s fanny clamp shut.

Assuming he is no more than 65 and had a professional job, then I think he is some way off U3A, brilliant though it is for real oldies.

What he needs is a couple days consultancy and to sign up for some boards / do some mentoring / volunteer for brain work like CBA / whatever.

We retire too young these days - I don’t mean everyone should keep doing FT, but assuming you have a desk job quitting in your 60s to do f all just doesn’t do your health any good.

continentallentil · 17/09/2023 20:37

…. Also maybe suggest some life coaching to figure out his 3rd act.

Anewnamea · 17/09/2023 21:29

“so jealous of my friends who have husbands with jobs.”

The things I read on mumsnet often makes me want to stay single. The bar is so low.

wwyd2021medicine · 17/09/2023 22:02

Is U3A a much older demographic then?
I'm moving area completely and retiring and I'll be 60 - I had thought U3A good for meeting new people

Davros · 17/09/2023 22:12

I think U3A is 55 up

Gothambutnotahamster · 17/09/2023 22:18

Thats truly shocking Op - id tell the lazy arsehole to sort himself out or Id be off to London permanently without him.

Cherrysoup · 17/09/2023 22:41

He asked what was for dinner?! How did you not knife him??

MsRosley · 17/09/2023 22:54

Cherrysoup · 17/09/2023 22:41

He asked what was for dinner?! How did you not knife him??

Because OP is clearly enjoying the opportunity to grumble and do sod all about it.

pompomdaisy · 18/09/2023 04:29

Get him on Prozac op. He may just need that boost to get going.

SurprisedWithAH0RSE · 18/09/2023 07:12

pompomdaisy · 18/09/2023 04:29

Get him on Prozac op. He may just need that boost to get going.

Prozac is a Prescription drug in the Uk - the OP can’t buy it. Nor can she force another adult with capacity to take drugs ( or do a thing else for that matter ).

Spottywombat · 18/09/2023 08:39

Meh, I stopped going out to work around about 35, it is not retiring that makes you depressed and needy. Work is an easy way to get structure, purpose and community, freelancing it takes effort.

I read this book on my honeymoon...but I'm not cut out for 9-5 jobs, so have always had to be creative. I'd lob it at his head. My DH has been retired for a few years and we did have a bit of following me around but he's never been bored and now moans there's too much work, as he was introduced to the concept of mental load.

Book recommendation

Original poster
ŁadnaPogoda · 18/09/2023 08:50

@MsRosley what do you suggest I do? I can’t force him to do anything he doesn’t want to do. I can’t take him to the GP and I can’t force him to get a job. He’s a grown adult with capacity.

OP posts:
MsRosley · 18/09/2023 09:34

ŁadnaPogoda · 18/09/2023 08:50

@MsRosley what do you suggest I do? I can’t force him to do anything he doesn’t want to do. I can’t take him to the GP and I can’t force him to get a job. He’s a grown adult with capacity.

So are you. And you seem to have decided your only option is to put up with it.