List of rules for visitors

[WhyamIprocrastinatingonhere]

My friend has just had a baby and her husband has sent out a list of rules before we visit. No visitors for at least 10 days. No advice to be given by visitors or sharing their experiences. Only stay an hour. Visits to be arranged in advance to fit around breastfeeding. There’s an Amazon gift list, if we wish. Wash your hands. Get changed if vaping or smoking. You probably won’t get to hold baby. Don’t kiss baby. Give baby back immediately to mum if crying etc etc.

I really was looking forward to going round to this friend’s house as we are super close, but now I will worry about saying the wrong thing, or offering unwanted advice. Or what if the baby is eating its hands or nuzzling, do I give it back to my friend and say it’s hungry but she will be offended because she will take that as unwanted advice.
I have 3 kids and breastfed them all, but I didn’t produce enough milk when I had the first. If someone else hadn’t told me about cluster feeding to get the milk supply going, I might have given up. Also, I could never arrange times for people to visit around breastfeeding because it just doesn’t work like that with many breastfed babies.
When I had my kids I wanted people to share my happiness and to meet my baby and have cuddles. I find it strange when people produce lists like this or don’t want people holding their babies. AIBU that this is too much? And I had a horrible Labour and then a c section with 1 baby and 1 child was in NICU for a bit.
By The way, this friend came round my house absolutely loads when my babies were small and used to stay all day and all evening. I never minded. I thought it was lovely that she took such an interest in my kids, but now she won’t let anyone even stay more than an hour or give advice, with her own baby. So now I think I might stay away and not have the same relationship with her kids as she’s had with mine, because I am too worried about doing or saying the wrong thing and I shall feel like I am not really wanted there.

Pah. I wouldn't go.

" No advice to be given by visitors or sharing their experiences."
This is so weird. Let's hope they know what they are doing.

Some of these replies are so unkind!

If you know her well and she’s a good friend then I definitely wouldn’t “fuck that billshit” as someone has suggested. Definitely sounds like she may be struggling and as others have said her husband has sent to protect her or is driving it. Either way - sounds like your friend could do with some support and patience.

My sister was a bit like this - she had PPD and it took her a while to get back to her usual self!

Yeh I'd steer well clear and wait until she drops you a line to ask how she is.

If she's a close friend id text her privately to check she's ok though.

All very odd and over the top, that isn't the work of a protective dad, it's the sound of a siren call from a controlling weirdo.

Sorry posted too soon.
The cheery texts and goodie bag sound like a great idea.

yeah no one cares about other people kids that much to jump through hoops.

Somethings are fine like 'please arrange a time in advance' or 'no kissing baby' but the other are nope.

I mean what are you going to talk about if NOT the baby given thats the whole big thing going on... people converse by sharing experiences that is literally what friendship is.

Yeah it’s very odd OP as everyone is saying but I agree it’s more concerning about her mental health than anything else. I’d definitely be popping in. I wouldn’t even slightly be concerned about not giving advice. Go in, look at the baby which will probably look like all other babies (i.e. a squashed up alien), tell your friend how beautiful she is, ask her if the family are delighted and ask if she’s doing okay. Keep it breezy and just say you’re there for her if she ever wants to chat about stuff and maybe suggest a walk with the pram on the next meetup.

I wouldn’t ditch her over her mad rules, I’d be saving them ready to present to her when she has her second and her toddler is licking the mud off their shoe 😅

I'd just not bother tbh and if asked why I hadn't visited just say that I got the impression visitors weren't welcome.

This.

Send cheerful texts. There'll be an avalanche of family to get through at the start. So wait until that peters out. Don't take offence I expect the relatives are going to huff and puff over that message.

See that line doubly makes me sure it’s about a specific person or persons - I bet there’s a relative who was making a big pain of themselves during the pregnancy pushing advice and ‘their way’.

Poor woman has found her limit and is heading it off at the pass now the baby is here.

"I'd ask them when it would be convenient to arrange a viewing and whether they'd prefer gold, frankinsence or myrrh as a gift?"

Love this!!

OP, your friend is just in the grip of perfect first born madness. I'd give her a break (and a wide berth) until she realises her child is not made of glass and she stops being so ridiculous. We've all been there (to varying degrees though of course!) Try not to take it personally!

I don’t think it’s hard to keep your advice to yourself, is it? My mum and mum-in-law both bit their tongues when it came to advice but gave it gladly when asked. There’s 1000 other things to talk about - ask how she is, offer to nip to the shops, talk about the weather. It sounds a bit heavy handed to send a list but sometimes I wish I’d had the nerve to be a bit more forthright with my wishes (I also had some PND).

I'd always wash my hands when visiting a newborn, wouldn't kiss him/her, would arrange in advance, wouldn't hold the baby until offered (although would find it weird not to be offered) etc etc. Would never dream of visiting if I was ill.

However I'd be 100% put off by being lectured on the rules in advance. Nothing they've asked (other than the presents) is unreasonable but the condescending text has sucked any fun or joy out of the occasion.

The present thing would really piss me off. Who the fuck do they think they and their baby are? Id be inclined to tell them where to go

I wouldn't say this is normal. Are they anxious people generally? Do they have an incredibly overbearing relative and they've possibly panicked into making a ridiculous list as a result? If you can't think of any reasonable explanation for it I would be a bit concerned about your friend.

I'd be inclined not to visit because it all sounds very odd but in case the mum is actually struggling I would be careful to keep lines of communication open and be there for her.

Chances are they will be embarrassed about this at some point and might end up alienating people. If there is anxiety at the root of it then keeping contact open is crucial as not everyone will be there for them after something like this.

I can understand the changing clothes after smoking or vaping and washing hands before holding baby as well and no kissing the baby. Some babies have been seriously ill or died from a kiss. But the rest is just controlling and weird.

So I have scanned through similar threads and it does seem some parents do this, although not many. Whilst people say, Your baby, your rules,” it does seem a minority are strange over having a rules list or not letting people visit. I just hadn’t realised that my friend would be that sort of mum herself. Each to their own. I do remember being a bit upset with MIL once or twice but would never have produced a list of rules for her. I also remember suddenly wanting my 1st baby back after it had slept on my SIL for too long. I think a short visit to my friend in a couple of weeks will be best. Then when she wants longer visits, I can. To be honest, I won’t have time to go round as much as she spent with me, as I am busy with my own kids.

It does sound rather batshit and I would find that list of rules very off-putting too. I think I'd still be a little worried that one or both of them may be overwhelmed by the bomb that new parenthood has detonated in their lives, and wonder how they are coping.

I'd wonder too if both drew up the list or just her DH, thinking he was helping.

Send a few bright and breezy texts congratulating them and welcoming the baby. Say that you want to be there in n support for her just as much as she was for you. I'd also be tempted to add that the list has made you feel worried that you would be walking on eggshells trying to do the right thing and not offending them. It might make them think a bit, especially if they suddenly aren't getting the influx of interest that they have anticipated and probably hoped for.

With regard to the gift list, I'd just pay that no attention and get or send my own gift.

Perhaps he thinks we're all still in the pandemic with the rules?!

Frankly if I got a list like that, even if they bought me a gift I wouldn't go.

As I get older, I have no time for people who are hard work or overly anxious. That may sound cold, but I just am done with it.

I may be barking up the wrong tree here, but I suspect she's seen a similar list on social media and decided to adopt it as her own, for whatever reason. I see a lot of videos on social media that are just pregnant women/women who have just had a baby explaining the 'rules' they've given visitors, and they're all very similar to the rules given here. I think it's a bit of a trend.

I'd just send a congratulations text , as an hour would feel too long to be sitting there , feeling awkward and not knowing what to say /do.

ALMOST Everything on the list made me think there was ppd/anxiety at the root of it. if that was the case I'd cut them some slack, drop them a cheery text and ask how they're doing, arrange a catch up at a later date.

However, ppd/anxiety in no way shape or form excuses a gift registry and requests for specific items from Amazon.

Fuck off with that. Also makes me think the rest of the list is down to them thinking their baby is the messiah and most precious thing in the world

She'll soon have a thread on here "why does no one care about my baby"