List of rules for visitors

[WhyamIprocrastinatingonhere]

My friend has just had a baby and her husband has sent out a list of rules before we visit. No visitors for at least 10 days. No advice to be given by visitors or sharing their experiences. Only stay an hour. Visits to be arranged in advance to fit around breastfeeding. There’s an Amazon gift list, if we wish. Wash your hands. Get changed if vaping or smoking. You probably won’t get to hold baby. Don’t kiss baby. Give baby back immediately to mum if crying etc etc.

I really was looking forward to going round to this friend’s house as we are super close, but now I will worry about saying the wrong thing, or offering unwanted advice. Or what if the baby is eating its hands or nuzzling, do I give it back to my friend and say it’s hungry but she will be offended because she will take that as unwanted advice.
I have 3 kids and breastfed them all, but I didn’t produce enough milk when I had the first. If someone else hadn’t told me about cluster feeding to get the milk supply going, I might have given up. Also, I could never arrange times for people to visit around breastfeeding because it just doesn’t work like that with many breastfed babies.
When I had my kids I wanted people to share my happiness and to meet my baby and have cuddles. I find it strange when people produce lists like this or don’t want people holding their babies. AIBU that this is too much? And I had a horrible Labour and then a c section with 1 baby and 1 child was in NICU for a bit.
By The way, this friend came round my house absolutely loads when my babies were small and used to stay all day and all evening. I never minded. I thought it was lovely that she took such an interest in my kids, but now she won’t let anyone even stay more than an hour or give advice, with her own baby. So now I think I might stay away and not have the same relationship with her kids as she’s had with mine, because I am too worried about doing or saying the wrong thing and I shall feel like I am not really wanted there.

It's also the presumption that people are absolutely gagging to go. Babies are pretty boring, unless you're a direct relative. And why couldn't you just discuss your preferences with them rather than send out a batshit list of rules.

Post partum anxiety is pretty common (and actually makes a lot of evolutionary sense if you think about it) And a lot of you sound like terrible friends.

the thing is, it's their baby :) you sound like youre very happy for them, but taken aback by the list. i get that. tbf to them, there's a lot new parents worry about, and maybe something happened in the past? i kind of agree with the list, but not the way theyve done it (maybe they're super anxious). you could mention it on a second visit, just be happy for them. it's their baby and home, and they value you enough to be honest with you. btw i agree with the list like kissing the baby - i would not like people to do that if it were my baby. i also read kissing babies on lips (lots of parents and grandparents do this) but it transfers oral bacterias that result in gum disease from babyhood and i find smoking/vaping too much even as an adult the smell is awful and there's so much in the media about vaping being super harmful, if it's lingering on your clothes i dont want that on my baby, and massive yes to washing hands, it's a newborn with an immature immune system. tbh, if more people did these things naturally, people wouldnt need to make a list, but just my opinion. i think you should let it slide and theyll remember you for being there and maybe in the future you can find out why they're doing this, as their friend

in 2 minds. Yes it’s rude and weird. BUT you don’t know how interfering the people around them are. If you have people (e.g family) in your life who are super interfering or OTT it can drive you to distraction.

also SO many people bloody kiss the baby! Like you’d think it would be weird to kiss someone else’s baby but people literally kiss babies all the time. Drives me up the wall! And if your friend has anxiety/health anxiety I can see why they’re just saying please don’t do these things up front.

BUT there are better ways to approach this. Still awkward but you know, just a hey I’m really anxious can you wash your hands before you hold her. Or the old tell a story about something so the person doesn’t do it routine - i.e “Omg some woman at the shop KISSED my baby! How inappropriate”

id just text a simple ‘Got your list!’ And see what she says. She may respond saying she knows it is overkill but people have been overstepping. Or she might say her husband sent it against her wishes, in which case he’s either sweet but misguided OR a controlling twat. (Is he usually?) Or she might say good, please send my Amazon gift and book in your hour’s time slot - in which case she’s well and truly drunk the kool aid

Does it make you create a gift register on amazing and tell your friends & family that it is all you will be willing to accept?

😂

thats a sure fire way to not get any visitors! She sounds awful, she’s not the first person in the world to have baby. I would be quickly dropping that friend - so grabby especially with the Amazon list

I have a 4 month old and the only thing we enforced was no kissing on the mouth.

None of our family or friends are smokers otherwise they'd of washed their hands.

This is bonkers, I loved seeing everyone snuggle our DD and any tips as a first time mum came in handy!

Leave them alone to enjoy their baby in splendid isolation. I couldn't be bothered with folk like this. Pathetic idiots.

Currently pregnant and seeing a lot of these things on forums with a lot of Americans. They especially have them as they have a lot of issues about vaccines but I think it is spreading.
I get having some boundaries but then I'm lucky and have really lovely and reasonable family members and friends. I know not everyone is so lucky. When my sister had her first her mother in law was not nice, refusing to give the baby back when she was hungry and talking badly about my sister to the baby as q "joke" and expecting to be waited on hand and foot when visiting and that.
I think some people do forget that it can be a difficult time for the new parents and if they have overstepping relatives or friends they may feel rules are necessary.
But a lot of them do seem really over the top to me personally.
Do think they're becoming very common.

Those rules sound reasonable to me. I'd say a reasonable sort of person would stick to them by default. I wouldn't want advice either, learn by doing and every child is different anyway. If they want advice, they'll ask for it.

If she was a really good friend I would be having a chat with her about her anxiety and gently mentioning this is way over the top. If less good friend I wouldn't bother to go until specifically invited.

Must be a mumsnetter. That's pretty much all rules PFB cite.

Give them time, and go and see them in a few weeks. They sound stressed and in survival mode. Let them calm down, now is not the time

They are phenomenally boring. And mostly ugly. Mine included. The giftlist is cheeky too.

I would send a gift, and see her when baby is a little more grown up and perhaps she is less anxious.

Hi X, Many congratulations! I received your dh’s message. Why don’t you just let me know if/when you’d like some company. In the meantime I’m here if you need anything. From @WhyamIprocrastinatingonhere .

Yes, she/he is a bit nuts but I think the above covers all bases without being difficult.

If her dh has paternity then I would go on a brief visit now then arrange to see her after he goes back. I would also offer that she can call you any time if she wants to chat.

I would go just to check that they're all ok

Don't go if you can't respect their boundaries. It's their baby. They get to decide. End of.

I would book an appointment with them immediately. Get over there and make sure dfriend is okay and not overwhelmed/depressed/stressed.

If they've just gone nutty PFB, then wait until it passes and try again. But if she's in a state you might notice and be able to help.

Take a gift.

Her baby, their home, their rules if it will make them both better about visitors. If you’re a good friend just follow the rules to check in on your friend, make sure she’s doing ok and not struggling post birth, hence the rules. As we all know, best laid plans in these first few weeks usually go to shit, so give her a break and support rather than asking randoms on the Internet for their opinion.

We did NCT classes with our first and were recommended to do exactly as she's done, with our partners acting as 'gatekeepers.'

We didn't and sometimes it did feel too much with family visiting, and I remember feeling anxious in the early days of establishing breastfeeding in front of visitors.

So I can see it both ways, they've perhaps been a bit over zealous in their rules but can understand the intention behind it. Too often I think mum's have recently given birth, are bleeding, crying, have raging hormones and trying to feed a brand new soul all in front of friends and family they wouldn't necessarily choose to spend those early days with.

They get to decide, but then shouldn't be surprised if no visitors show up when they want them to. Each to their own.

Most of what she's asking for is common sense , it's more the fact that she's actually sent out a List of Rules !

I’d be giving the visit a swerve until they get the stick out of their arses and lighten up a bit.