List of rules for visitors

[WhyamIprocrastinatingonhere]

My friend has just had a baby and her husband has sent out a list of rules before we visit. No visitors for at least 10 days. No advice to be given by visitors or sharing their experiences. Only stay an hour. Visits to be arranged in advance to fit around breastfeeding. There’s an Amazon gift list, if we wish. Wash your hands. Get changed if vaping or smoking. You probably won’t get to hold baby. Don’t kiss baby. Give baby back immediately to mum if crying etc etc.

I really was looking forward to going round to this friend’s house as we are super close, but now I will worry about saying the wrong thing, or offering unwanted advice. Or what if the baby is eating its hands or nuzzling, do I give it back to my friend and say it’s hungry but she will be offended because she will take that as unwanted advice.
I have 3 kids and breastfed them all, but I didn’t produce enough milk when I had the first. If someone else hadn’t told me about cluster feeding to get the milk supply going, I might have given up. Also, I could never arrange times for people to visit around breastfeeding because it just doesn’t work like that with many breastfed babies.
When I had my kids I wanted people to share my happiness and to meet my baby and have cuddles. I find it strange when people produce lists like this or don’t want people holding their babies. AIBU that this is too much? And I had a horrible Labour and then a c section with 1 baby and 1 child was in NICU for a bit.
By The way, this friend came round my house absolutely loads when my babies were small and used to stay all day and all evening. I never minded. I thought it was lovely that she took such an interest in my kids, but now she won’t let anyone even stay more than an hour or give advice, with her own baby. So now I think I might stay away and not have the same relationship with her kids as she’s had with mine, because I am too worried about doing or saying the wrong thing and I shall feel like I am not really wanted there.

yes i was wondering about backstory? do they perhaps have overwhelming relatives and they are making a pre emptive statement?

Yes good idea.

They're acting like the child is the second coming.

I don't think I'd go. Apart from the ridiculous list, I'd just feel plain unwelcome.

I’ve only ever heard this sort of thing on MN. It’s a shame that such a lovely, joyous event of having a baby gets turned into a serious and pressured experience
I suspect it's posted about on here because people have friends/relatives who are incapable of applying common sense.

I never had to give rules to our friends and family, but then they would all say that it's common sense:

• not to stay for ages when mum is likely to be shattered
• not come round if you're full of cold
• don't kiss baby
• don't vape/smoke and then want to hold a newborn
• wash your hands
• return newborn to mum when they're upset

If I had relatives who might show up for most of a morning, want to hold baby to themselves all morning on the pretence that they're 'helping' (we know the type, they never think that it would help Mum to make a cup of tea or PT the laundry on), is likely to arrive smelling of vape/smoke, and insist that they've just got a cold and baby needs to build their immune system then I'd probably be more explicit and be up front.

No visitors for at least 10 days.
Not unreasonable, perhaps she had a difficult birth or wants time to get to grips with breastfeeding.

No advice to be given by visitors or sharing their experiences.
Odd but maybe aimed at an intrusive or domineering visitor?

Only stay an hour.
Reasonable expectation, can always be extended if all is going well.

Visits to be arranged in advance to fit around breastfeeding.
Arranging in advance is basic courtesy, not sure how BF’ing can be scheduled so early though.

There’s an Amazon gift list, if we wish.
Grabby, but at least they’ve said ‘if you wish’.

Wash your hands.
Definitely reasonable.

Get changed if vaping or smoking.
Good idea if they don’t want second hand smoke on their newborn.

You probably won’t get to hold baby.
Some Mums like passing their new baby around, some don’t like it. It’s no big deal and neither should be made to feel guilty.

Don’t kiss baby.
100% reasonable.

Give baby back immediately to mum if crying
Should be common sense but sadly often isn’t. Visitors jiggle your crying newborn around as your letdown sends milk everywhere. Not fun.

If you’re super close as you say, I don’t know why you wouldn’t send a text or call to check your friend is ok. Most of what they’ve said isn’t unreasonable but it sounds a bit like they are feeling anxious and post partum is such a vulnerable time. Perhaps visitors feel like another obligation that have to meet but they’d prefer not to be having to.

Never had a friend send out a list of rules for visiting, or a wish list. I find the wish list rude to be honest and wouldn't entertain it, I'm glad none of my friends are like that. I'd simply text and say congratulations , I'd love to visit you and the baby, let me know when it's convenient and leave it at that.

I think you’re spot on with the comment about waking on eggshells. Although maybe I am too sensitive.

I wouldn’t go

nope . That would be a no from me. Let them crack on . Crazy batshit people

Ditto. Who they think they are

I wouldn't go, and if they ask why, be honest and say you were worried about breaking a rule.

This.

The way some posters are leaping to the dh being controlling is odd though. There are posts on here on a regular basis from Mums suggesting they do a lot of the things on this list followed by a load of posts saying "their choice".

I also think it's condesending and would annoy me, especially to those who already have children. Most of the requests are common sense, ie not kissing baby, not calling round when poorly or for too long

This was my first thought. Couldn't be bothered with all that.

YANBU

Lots of these things are just common sense and people can be annoying when you've just had a baby. However sending a list with them is pretty rude and implying your friends and family can't behave. Especially the amazon wish list you should just be grateful to get a gift.

The sharing own experiences thing is just weird. I loved hearing other people's experiences!

To be honest your husband sounds like a prick.

why is he incapable of buying his nieces and nephews Christmas presents?

They sound very stressed. I'd wait until they've realized how over the top they're being then visit.
I don't think it'll be a pleasant experience for anyone if you visit now.

I agree with you ,this is rather strange behaviour the only excuse (ish) is he’s a first time parent. But they guy needs to chill .

I do agree with this

if it was a mum saying “I’ve made these rules” people would be telling her it’s good to stand her ground and set boundaries etc

as it’s a dad sending them out it’s straight to coercive control

for all we know the mum has made these rules and the dad is a wet flannel man sending them out at her behest

I wouldn't go.

I'd make polite and non-committal excuses, but if pushed would say that I'd rather wait until a more normal visit was possible. But it's v likely that they'll take offence, so perhaps better not to!

While individually the things on the list are not unreasonable but sending a list is such a turn off. I'd sent a gift and card and then sent a text/call about how happy you are for them and how you're there if she needs anything and telling her to let you know if she's up for a visit at some point. So throwing the ball on her court.

Poor Mummy I would explain that the new mums partner is being somewhat controlling and for that reason you will not be visiting

This sound like super anxious first time parents. Pop round, keep your first visit brief, stick to their rules (as much as you can) and make sure she’s ok. Hopefully they’ll soon figure out how ridiculous their rules are and you’ll be able to look back and laugh in a few weeks/months.

I suppose it depends on whether you consider her a close friend, and would like that to remain the case. Lots of that stuff isn’t unreasonable, surely. Handwashing and not bringing the baby into contact with secondhand smoke, not showing up unannounced and staying aeons etc.

I didn’t see anyone for three weeks after I had DS.

For heaven’s sake, surely that’s a reason to visit and be there for the OP’s friend?

Yes exactly. There is no need to produce the rules. It is common sense. And the not staying more than an hour just surprises me because of how much my friend came round and how much she held my baby. I might just nip over when it’s ok to, and then just leave it to her to see for herself that there’s no need for the rules.