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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

List of rules for visitors

614 replies

WhyamIprocrastinatingonhere · 10/09/2023 17:33

My friend has just had a baby and her husband has sent out a list of rules before we visit. No visitors for at least 10 days. No advice to be given by visitors or sharing their experiences. Only stay an hour. Visits to be arranged in advance to fit around breastfeeding. There’s an Amazon gift list, if we wish. Wash your hands. Get changed if vaping or smoking. You probably won’t get to hold baby. Don’t kiss baby. Give baby back immediately to mum if crying etc etc.

I really was looking forward to going round to this friend’s house as we are super close, but now I will worry about saying the wrong thing, or offering unwanted advice. Or what if the baby is eating its hands or nuzzling, do I give it back to my friend and say it’s hungry but she will be offended because she will take that as unwanted advice.
I have 3 kids and breastfed them all, but I didn’t produce enough milk when I had the first. If someone else hadn’t told me about cluster feeding to get the milk supply going, I might have given up. Also, I could never arrange times for people to visit around breastfeeding because it just doesn’t work like that with many breastfed babies.
When I had my kids I wanted people to share my happiness and to meet my baby and have cuddles. I find it strange when people produce lists like this or don’t want people holding their babies. AIBU that this is too much? And I had a horrible Labour and then a c section with 1 baby and 1 child was in NICU for a bit.
By The way, this friend came round my house absolutely loads when my babies were small and used to stay all day and all evening. I never minded. I thought it was lovely that she took such an interest in my kids, but now she won’t let anyone even stay more than an hour or give advice, with her own baby. So now I think I might stay away and not have the same relationship with her kids as she’s had with mine, because I am too worried about doing or saying the wrong thing and I shall feel like I am not really wanted there.

OP posts:
justanothermanicmonday1 · 10/09/2023 18:23

Confused19831983 · 10/09/2023 17:45

I wouldn't go, and if they ask why, be honest and say you were worried about breaking a rule. I have just had a baby and I think this is the most ridiculous thing ever. They need to calm down.

Me too. Ludicrous

Snowonthebeachx · 10/09/2023 18:24

Also (posted too soon) having visitors when you have had a baby is meant to be a nice thing for the parents! I loved showing him off and having a catch up and I was just happy people came! Its not so kind of special gold plated privilege for the visitors they have to sign a contract before doing. To be honest other peoples babies aren't that exciting to non immediate family it's more being a good friend.

Bellyblueboy · 10/09/2023 18:24

My aunt told us my cousin had lists of rules and we were to stay away for weeks then only visit for an hour max and not touch the baby.

it was a really tense visit and I didn’t visit her again at her house because I felt so unwelcome.

year's later we discovered she had crippling post natal depression and my aunt was trying to cover it up for some really odd reason.

ActDottie · 10/09/2023 18:24

I’d be worried about your friend she’s obviously very anxious since having baby and possibly not coping well.

Original poster
WhyamIprocrastinatingonhere · 10/09/2023 18:25

72EasyLessons · 10/09/2023 18:22

I suppose it depends on whether you consider her a close friend, and would like that to remain the case. Lots of that stuff isn’t unreasonable, surely. Handwashing and not bringing the baby into contact with secondhand smoke, not showing up unannounced and staying aeons etc.

I didn’t see anyone for three weeks after I had DS.

Can I ask why you didn’t see anyone? We’re you ok? Might help me you setstanden my friend.

OP posts:
Grimbelina · 10/09/2023 18:25

I would actually be worried that one or both of them are not coping well and would want to see them just to be supportive in case there is anything I could do to help further on down the line.

Original poster
WhyamIprocrastinatingonhere · 10/09/2023 18:26

Bellyblueboy · 10/09/2023 18:24

My aunt told us my cousin had lists of rules and we were to stay away for weeks then only visit for an hour max and not touch the baby.

it was a really tense visit and I didn’t visit her again at her house because I felt so unwelcome.

year's later we discovered she had crippling post natal depression and my aunt was trying to cover it up for some really odd reason.

Yes I think I need to watch out she hasn’t got PND. Perhaps general cheery texts will be best.

OP posts:
RagesOnForAges · 10/09/2023 18:26

I think I would send your friend a goodie bag (favourite snacks, nice hand cream etc) send a present for the child then message your friend and ask how she is.
It doesn't sound like a summons, more like an invitation with caveats.
Any one I consider 'super close' I would do this for.
Your friend won't want to be stuck in the house forever, look forward to catching up in a cafe or similar when she's feeling less shell shocked.

Original poster
WhyamIprocrastinatingonhere · 10/09/2023 18:27

Grimbelina · 10/09/2023 18:25

I would actually be worried that one or both of them are not coping well and would want to see them just to be supportive in case there is anything I could do to help further on down the line.

Yes, I am a bit concerned. But it is hard when they have said they don’t want advice.

OP posts:
Original poster
WhyamIprocrastinatingonhere · 10/09/2023 18:28

RagesOnForAges · 10/09/2023 18:26

I think I would send your friend a goodie bag (favourite snacks, nice hand cream etc) send a present for the child then message your friend and ask how she is.
It doesn't sound like a summons, more like an invitation with caveats.
Any one I consider 'super close' I would do this for.
Your friend won't want to be stuck in the house forever, look forward to catching up in a cafe or similar when she's feeling less shell shocked.

Definitely this. I have done this for several other friends.

OP posts:
LaffTaff · 10/09/2023 18:28

Most new parents are anxious, this is the first example I've ever saw of them sending out a ridiculous 'babies for dummies' list. Admittedly, I'm generally intolerant of people and their foibles, thus I'd reply to her husband saying I'll perhaps feel confident enough to come to their child's 21st.

saraclara · 10/09/2023 18:29

Those saying that maybe they have a relative who will did one/all of those things...well it's still no reason to send a list of rules to everyone.

If Auntie Janet is an obsessive baby kisser, then you say to Auntie Janet that you don't want the baby being kissed. If you can never get rid of cousin Mary when she comes round, tell Cousin Mary that you only have an hour available, etc.

It's really off-putting to present a list like that to everyone, as if they can't be trusted to behave.

LittleBearPad · 10/09/2023 18:29

If she is such a close friend I would go, do as they ask and check she is coping ok.

You may not understand this but there’s a good change she’s struggling with anxiety and needs support.

Be her friend and give her a pass on the odd stuff until you know she’s ok.

thehonscupboard · 10/09/2023 18:30

Just speculating but perhaps they're wary of a particular person who they think will behave in all the ways they disapprove of, and feel better about issuing a blanket set of rules rather than speaking to that individual. So in their minds they might be aiming to avoid conflict with someone?! Or as pp suggested this was written after a very bad visit from someone. It seems a bit rude/patronising but I would be charitable given that they'll be sleep deprived etc. and maybe when you visit they'll shed more light on why they felt it necessary to produce the list.

Is anyone they know a chain smoking, excessive gift giving baby hogger prone to turning up unannounced?

Moveoverdarlin · 10/09/2023 18:31

I think they sound like CF. Wash your hands, hand over the Amazon present, then fuck off after an hour. I just wouldn’t bother going.

Thatladdo · 10/09/2023 18:31

Send her a good luck card.

The end

PlumpAndGrump · 10/09/2023 18:31

I laugh at posts like this because when pregnant or new mums post saying they want privacy after birth and worried about family intruding etc they are advised to state rules clearly before anyone comes over and regularly advised for their DH to inform family when visitors are allowed etc.

Yet here is a mum who has done exactly that and one of the first posts is fuck that bullshit. 🤣

OP, forget your own experience. This is your friends baby. New babies especially first borns make mums go a bit weird for the first while. It's just a protective instinct. Respect her wishes and think aboutwhen you had your kids, and friends and family were round, did you ever have thoughts of "I wish we could just be on our own with baby" or "I wish they wouldn't keep holding baby when crying and give them back to me instead" etc?? If you did then you should understand and shouldn't blame your friend for setting a boundary.

ChocolateCakeOverspill · 10/09/2023 18:31

Personally I think this is weird and will end up driving people away but there are enough threads on here to demonstrate that it’s actually not unusual for people to have a list of rules. Usually the threads are full of people saying variations of ‘your baby, your rules’.

Even though it’s alien to me personally, given the threads on here I don’t think it’s particularly indicative of PND or a controlling husband.

wordler · 10/09/2023 18:31

It sounds to me as though there are some overbearing relatives in your friend’s life - MIL perhaps? - and she’s giving the ‘list’ to everyone so that no one feels targeted - or perhaps she’s saving her husband’s feelings because she wants to limit his pushy aunt/sister/mother - or maybe her own!

I bet when you go and visit if you can see her on her own without the husband you’ll get the real story and lots of baby cuddles with no stress.

Prettypaisleyslippers · 10/09/2023 18:32

They will cringe about this in the future. If you want to see them go, I would go less than my allotted time slot and take a gift, carefully ignoring the gift list.

Danikm151 · 10/09/2023 18:32

They probably copied it off instagram or fb. Some are common sense like kissing the baby and giving back if it’s hungry.

CheshireCat1 · 10/09/2023 18:32

Send her a nice card and some flowers and ask her to let you know when she’s feeling better so you can go out together with the baby to choose a gift.

tara66 · 10/09/2023 18:32

They do not want company at this time because they have probably read the horror stories on MN about all the many '' bad '' visitors to new babies - i.e. coming uninvited, arriving at wrong time, staying too long, kissing baby, touching with dirty hands, grabbing etc. They want to be alone.

aspirationalflamingo · 10/09/2023 18:33

LittleBearPad · 10/09/2023 18:29

If she is such a close friend I would go, do as they ask and check she is coping ok.

You may not understand this but there’s a good change she’s struggling with anxiety and needs support.

Be her friend and give her a pass on the odd stuff until you know she’s ok.

I agree. I don't understand why you are making this all about you op.

Throwncrumbs · 10/09/2023 18:33

I would be asking when best for a ‘viewing’ (like when the Queen was laying in state), then turn up walk in the front door, slowly past the baby and out the back door😂

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