List of rules for visitors

[WhyamIprocrastinatingonhere]

My friend has just had a baby and her husband has sent out a list of rules before we visit. No visitors for at least 10 days. No advice to be given by visitors or sharing their experiences. Only stay an hour. Visits to be arranged in advance to fit around breastfeeding. There’s an Amazon gift list, if we wish. Wash your hands. Get changed if vaping or smoking. You probably won’t get to hold baby. Don’t kiss baby. Give baby back immediately to mum if crying etc etc.

I really was looking forward to going round to this friend’s house as we are super close, but now I will worry about saying the wrong thing, or offering unwanted advice. Or what if the baby is eating its hands or nuzzling, do I give it back to my friend and say it’s hungry but she will be offended because she will take that as unwanted advice.
I have 3 kids and breastfed them all, but I didn’t produce enough milk when I had the first. If someone else hadn’t told me about cluster feeding to get the milk supply going, I might have given up. Also, I could never arrange times for people to visit around breastfeeding because it just doesn’t work like that with many breastfed babies.
When I had my kids I wanted people to share my happiness and to meet my baby and have cuddles. I find it strange when people produce lists like this or don’t want people holding their babies. AIBU that this is too much? And I had a horrible Labour and then a c section with 1 baby and 1 child was in NICU for a bit.
By The way, this friend came round my house absolutely loads when my babies were small and used to stay all day and all evening. I never minded. I thought it was lovely that she took such an interest in my kids, but now she won’t let anyone even stay more than an hour or give advice, with her own baby. So now I think I might stay away and not have the same relationship with her kids as she’s had with mine, because I am too worried about doing or saying the wrong thing and I shall feel like I am not really wanted there.

RSV, Covid. ( our babies were premature ) so would have ended up back in hospital if they had contracted even a cold.

Wackos. And they’ll wonder why no one else cares about their kids in a few years’ time.

RSV, Covid. ( our babies were premature ) so would have ended up back in hospital if they had contracted even a cold.

Our babies were premature so would have ended up back in hospital if they had contracted even a cold. So hence the rules. If we went out (we avoided crowded places) if people approached we politely asked them to keep back and explained our children were premature & vulnerable etc. Covid was in full swing when they were born so we were in lock down for most of it and people generally kept their distance so it was never n issue.

Some “extended friends” were not happy with the rules but ultimately they weren’t worth my children’s safety or health. So I’m better off without them. Every other member of our families and our close friends completely understood and we had no issues

I think setting these boundries is becoming more common, but lots of people don't bother. Maybe your friend is feeling a little delicate and anxious and would rather lay down rules than deal with any potential problems. The wish list is pretty good imo, saves getting 50 comforters when really you need something else!

You've just relayed your entire pregnancy experience to compare to the way your friend has done hers, maybe she knows she's doing things differently and just wants to avoid people loading her up with their own experiences because she wants to fully feel her own, unique baby bubble.

Also, you might find once you go, and mum has recovered a bit, she eases up on the rules. They might have only been in place to stop people just turning up because everyone seems to love a new baby, and not actually consider how the mum is feeling.

I know it’s probably not but is the holding the baby a covid thing? Was in hospital with my mum the other day and half of the staff were out with it. Other than that oh my god yes, scary behaviour! And they’ll dress half of it up as boundaries (the most irritating word to hit the human race this century!!!)

WHO has voted YABU and WHY?!

I would text back. "Congratulations I'll see you around"

Since I'm not all that interested in seeing other people's newborns and would only be visiting out of politeness, I'd skip the whole ordeal until these two calm down and become less neurotic. Clearly the thought of visitors is freaking them out (though gifts are appreciated🙄).

I'd send a gift with a card saying that I understand that they need time to settle in as a family and look forward to meeting the baby when things are less hectic. Then I'd stay in touch via occasional text and let your friend know you're available if she needs anything.

Some of the best tips I had came from other mums who came to visit - there was of course also a lot of advice that wasn't useful and/or relevant to us, but if we'd banned all sharing of experiences we wouldn't have picked up gems for dealing with night-time waking and how to introduce an older child to a new sibling ... no MN in those days!

Your friends sound like they might have had a hard time with visitors already and be struggling with the newborn period. I found the postpartum period extremely overwhelming and visitors really triggered my anxiety. It’s nothing against you personally but every new mother is different and she’s making her needs clear.
she’s your friend, all you have to do is go there and be there for her, if she asks for advice then give it otherwise it’s not so hard to just not give someone advice surely?
I’m surprised by the lack of empathy from a group of mothers to a clearly struggling new mum. Give the poor family a break and just be a friend.

Seriously that is utterly bonkers. I would just not go. This kind of nonsense should not be pandered to.

To be fair some of this is common sense such as; Not kissing a newborn, not overstaying their welcome, not smoking beforehand and washing their hands but unfortunately people forget not to do these. Also, it's annoying as hell when someone gives you advice you don't want, as let's face it guidelines seem to change every few years. Everything from sleeping to weaning has changed since my mam and MIL had us.

I shared a post about not kissing a baby that isn't yours and not overstaying your welcome as I wanted my MIL to take note but I didn't want to single her out so I sent it to all my family as well. I didn't want anyone but close family coming over for a few weeks in case of covid. (July 2021)

Side note, i wished I did a shopping list on Amazon. We've got loads of family in America and they were so confused why we didn't have one and kept asking what we needed. Maybe it's because I'm English but I don't like asking for stuff.

We got bought loads of newborn clothes (she went straight into 0-1/0-3) and clothing which was too warm for her to wear as she was born in July. We got a few lovely summer clothes for 3-6 which she was in in the November- January so didn't wear them either.

I have never come across this kind of precious behaviour in real life. It seems to only happen on mumsnet. My friends are seemingly much more chilled out. If you have visitors it is because you want to see them and show off your baby. If you visit it is to see the baby and chat with your friend. Neither of these scenarios need rules. If you think that your friends are v dirty, inept or unkind then don't invite them and get better friends.

I'd go, if only to sniff out what the problem is.

Horrible to dictate what can or can't be said in a conversation between friends. Something isn't right, there.

Advice can be treated as smile and nod. Lots of people offered little tidbits. Some were great and some not. I just ignored the stuff I didn't like.

I did because women aren’t broodmares. Everyone wants to hold the new baby but not the new mother.

The rules themselves are common sense, the no advice one is a bit odd but maybe they know someone will go on and on.

What would rub me up the wrong way is just how condescending and tense it feels to be presented with the list of rules.

Maybe that makes me a bit of a dick. On principle I wouldn’t go. It feels a bit hostile and I don’t think I’d feel comfortable visiting when basically they’ve already said ‘we don’t want to see you, we’re enduring your visit and here are our special rulez’

I’ll be honest with the exception of the Amazon gift, I don’t actually see the issue with her rules. I’ve seen similar from lots of people and when we had our baby we had similar including asking for a few days to bond as a family before all the visitors and I would do it again next time.

It seems like you’re taking it all really personal. Maybe the rules were more directed at other people. If they have people that are over bearing in their lives then they need to set clear guidelines. Washing hands, no kissing, changing clothes if smoked might be common sense to some people but not everyone.

Your experience is different to theirs. I know you felt up for visitors and liked having people around but maybe she’s feeling overwhelmed and just wants to space out visitors.

send her a message asking when you can visit and message her again on the day before you visit just to check she’s still up for it. Don’t throw away the friendship cause you’re feeling offended.

sounds like a great excuse not to go.

Totally agree with this! In fact these sort of lists are encouraged by NCT. Postpartum is a very vulnerable time and so many people simply don't understand it!

Sounds to me like she's been watching too many TikTok's of new mums to be..

I think I have seen some advice to set boundaries for visitors - though I agree this isn’t very welcoming.

it may be that she is having a hard time at the moment. She might have family or other friends who offer too much unsolicited advice or criticism so these rules might not be aimed at you.

I’d try not to lose the friendship and would visit and then see what you can do beyond the immediate newborn phase when she might loosen up.

Must only apply to first babies lol. 2nd onwards you still. Have to get older ones to nursery or school erc a day or 2 later