List of rules for visitors

[WhyamIprocrastinatingonhere]

My friend has just had a baby and her husband has sent out a list of rules before we visit. No visitors for at least 10 days. No advice to be given by visitors or sharing their experiences. Only stay an hour. Visits to be arranged in advance to fit around breastfeeding. There’s an Amazon gift list, if we wish. Wash your hands. Get changed if vaping or smoking. You probably won’t get to hold baby. Don’t kiss baby. Give baby back immediately to mum if crying etc etc.

I really was looking forward to going round to this friend’s house as we are super close, but now I will worry about saying the wrong thing, or offering unwanted advice. Or what if the baby is eating its hands or nuzzling, do I give it back to my friend and say it’s hungry but she will be offended because she will take that as unwanted advice.
I have 3 kids and breastfed them all, but I didn’t produce enough milk when I had the first. If someone else hadn’t told me about cluster feeding to get the milk supply going, I might have given up. Also, I could never arrange times for people to visit around breastfeeding because it just doesn’t work like that with many breastfed babies.
When I had my kids I wanted people to share my happiness and to meet my baby and have cuddles. I find it strange when people produce lists like this or don’t want people holding their babies. AIBU that this is too much? And I had a horrible Labour and then a c section with 1 baby and 1 child was in NICU for a bit.
By The way, this friend came round my house absolutely loads when my babies were small and used to stay all day and all evening. I never minded. I thought it was lovely that she took such an interest in my kids, but now she won’t let anyone even stay more than an hour or give advice, with her own baby. So now I think I might stay away and not have the same relationship with her kids as she’s had with mine, because I am too worried about doing or saying the wrong thing and I shall feel like I am not really wanted there.

Sorry quoted to wrong thread 🫣

The kissing is researched due to coldsores, but people think they know better than a new parent and are happy to overstep their boundaries.

I also had a friend that showed up every day. Even when I ignored her calls as I know she was only calling to tell me she's on her way to my house; she still showed up regardless! I was so exhausted and just wanted to nap 😥I wish I was as bold as OP's friend and set some boundaries.

Honestly, I really don't understand why peoplle don't speak up at the time.

I had a traumatic birth first time find, too. And if someone someone turned up unexpectedly, they were greeted at the door, thanked for coming, but told that it wasn't a good time, or that I only had five minutes as (insert something like midwife coming round)

If someone looked like outstaying their welcome, I and my husband were perfectly capable I'd saying " well it's been lovely to see you, but... (insert reason that they need to go).'

On the one hand mumsnet seems to be full of strong, feisty women, and on the other, people who can't stand up for themselves in a polite yet assertive way. And no, having just given birth doesn't necessarily turn anyone into a wuss.

Op isnt sulking FFS! She is stating a situation and saying she would feel uncomfortable visiting , as would most people who understand childbirth and babies are a normal occurrence
Highly unlikely op’s friend has given birth to the second coming! People in poorer countries carry on working within a few hours and get on with it, how precious to send out a list of rules!

OP this isn’t about you. If you want to be a supportive friend maybe bear with your friend while she might be in an anxious and frazzled post partum state. If you really care about her go round, follow her rules and be supportive.

im sure she will relax as she settles into parenting

Within a few hours! Is that really true? What about breastfeeding? And who takes care of the baby?

And in some cultures the mum is cared for completely by their own mother/mother in law, is washed, fed, doesn't lift a finger etc for a set amount of time.

What's your point?

But in those cultures the Mum and MIL are given a lot of respect and wouldn't be relegated to the role of house help with only the occasional doling out of a baby cuddle.

@WhyamIprocrastinatingonhere This to me screams of your friend not coping and having horrible PND and quite possibly a lot of difficulty in breastfeeding TBH. I wouldn’t take it personally or necessarily see it as a red flag for controlling behaviour in the husband (obviously put that in context of what you know of them and bear it in mind). I had awful PND (actually ended up under section with puerperal psychosis and if someone had asked me at the time to draw up a list of rules I’d like visitors to stick to it would have looked very like this).

In your shoes I would send a nice pampering gift for your friend as well as something for the baby (yes from their list if it’s a good friend) and pop round for a very brief visit just to say hello and check in and let her know you’re happy to chat about anything if she wants.

I would definitely NOT say “oh your baby is hungry, they need fed, look at them nuzzling their fists” etc. As this is precisely what she’s asked you not to do and it would have completely tipped me over the edge at the time, I would have cried for literally days and not slept at all after a comment like that. I knew fine well that my baby wasn’t feeding well and was hungry, but the professional advice I was getting was not to give bottle feeds and keep trying to breastfeed despite this, I was so worried about my baby being hungry as it was, having it pointed out to me by a good friend that my baby was hungry with an implied “how could you let your baby starve you neglectful awful mother” on the end (I know you wouldn’t mean this but trust me it’s what she’ll hear) would have completely destroyed my relationship with that friend at the time.

If you are usually close then give her the benefit of the doubt here, I agree on the face of it this sounds a bit OTT and unreasonable, but there will be reasons. Just be kind to your friend and give her time to adjust to motherhood, you will I’m sure have a great relationship with her kids eventually.

And leave any advice to the professionals.

I am not sure your take on what mothers do in poor countries in 100% accurate or applies universally.

My health visitor caused me far more stress than my friends and family. The 'professionals' aren't always that great!

I thought about this thread earlier when I saw a new Father walking past Pret today and carrying what looked like a newborn in one arm. He was vaping with the other hand and blew it all over the infant's face. It's hard to believe how stupid some people are. From one extreme to the other!

I actually don't think some of the "rules" are that bad.
Some people need to be told not to kiss babies
Wash your hands is standard
Change so you don't stink off smoke is fair enough
Stay 1 hour. They're obviously feeling overwhelmed and don't want to entertain for long periods of time
The thing that sticks out as weird is the no advice or experience.. very strange as if they're first time parents advice would help.
They just sound like over cautious first time parents finding their feet to me

This. Trust your instincts, there’s something up.

To fair I’m expecting my second child and these are very common rules shared in mum groups and advice given to expectant mums. So I’m not quite sure why there’s so many people saying they’ve never seen such a list.

Now for a lot of people those “rules” are common sense. I didn’t send out a list last time and won’t be doing so this time. I knew no-one in my circle would expect to be hosted and they were all brilliant when the time came - brought food with them, did the washing up and helped out.

Whilst that’s lucky for me, it’s not the case for all new mums. You see time and time again women struggling with visitors in the post partum period who overstay their welcome, don’t tidy up after themselves, don’t offer to support the mum, make comments like “are you sure he’s getting enough?”. One of my friends kept having visitors with about half hour notice who weren’t even particularly close family and was really struggling with feeding at the time so it really impacted her.

I reckon the following factors are at play with your friend:

• There’s a few people your friend knows will make unhelpful comments around of feeding/sleeping or people trying to swoop in too quickly
• Partner has round robin text everyone in a bid to support his other half and perhaps been a little over zealous
• Either one or both of them is really struggling in this intense post partum period

I know his message has shaken you, but take a step back and remember it’s from the partner, not her. If it were me and this was a close friend/she is close with your children, I would drop her a message along these lines.

• “Just checking in and please feel no need to reply! How are you feeling and adjusting to life as a family of three? Is there anything you need practically such as a food shop or a half hour blitz in the kitchen? I remember how intense it can be and you really kept me company when X and Y were born so would love to repay the favour if you need anything. Let me know if/when you’re up for a short visit and I’ll pop round with some treats so you don’t need to prep anything. No pressure to reply but I’m here if you need me”

So very empathetic and mother centric - not offering advice on anything sensitive such as breastfeeding but merely practical and reminding her that you’re there as she was for you. You’ve also given her the option to not reply. I’m sure the conversation will flow from that point as and when she has the chance to reply. She may well open up.

From a mum of two, soon to be three, I think what they’ve asked is perfectly reasonable to be honest. You also don’t know if there are other circumstances, is there PND involved, was it a difficult labour for mum and baby etc. Most of the things they’ve said are common sense but perhaps they have had a someone already visiting and been kissing baby, not handing baby back over or lobbing lots of advice?

Message your friend see when she’s free for a visit and I wouldn’t over think the “giving advice” part, I think you not going because of being worried about giving advice is perhaps overthinking it and it would be you making it needlessly awkward. When I visited my friend and her baby the conversation didn’t turn into giving her advice, it was me asking how they all were, having a hold of baby and offering to help her with anything in the house and I brought them over a couple of meals for the freezer to help them out. If she’s that good of a friend I don’t know how it could be awkward?

I think people see alot of bad stories that others share online and worry that's what will happen to them.

The list just sets outs boundaries and expectations that they've put in place based on these bad stories and also the unknown of being a new parent.

Maybe they've got really controlling parents and thought it best to tell everyone same thing 🤷‍♀️

I get what you're saying though and if it makes you feel uncomfortable just don't go

As others have said, you would think those rules are common sense, but they're not to everyone. One week after birth my MIL came to our place reeking of cheap perfume, held the baby (who had to have 3 baths before the perfume came off him) and felt the need to dispense me with breastfeeding advice, even though she never breastfed, including "you shouldn't eat cabbage while breastfeeding" 🙄. She, and my BIL also warned us about the danger of babywearing "he'll get used to being cuddled and will become clingy", when the baby was not even a week old. I think that's the sort of stupid advice that they want to avoid. Good thing I didn't have a complicated birth and was able to just ignore them.

They're just anxious 🤷‍♀️ I was similar with my first but thankfully I learned with the passing of time 🤣
Go, celebrate your friend and her baby, just be mindful that if you get to hold baba you pass it back if it's crying... Parents like this will freak having someone more experienced want to manage it themselves 🙈 Tell her that people will always offer advice without even realising, but it's up to her what to take on board or not.

Parenthood brings up many different emotions for people because of our differing backgrounds / circumstances. If you approach their 'rules' respectfully they'll almost certainly relax with time and her experience x x

Just call can talk to your friend.

maybe her in-laws just suck and they want to say ‘the rules are for ‘everyone’’.

don’t start cutting her out prematurely

I don't think any of the rules themselves are that bad. I had so much terrible unsolicoted advice from older relatives, things like "you need to let them cry a bit" while holding my newborn who was starting to cry. I also had inlaws who would keep hold of the baby when he was clearly crying for milk and I used to find it so distressing. Some older family also used to kiss him goodbye every time which felt so uncomfortable because he was often on my breast while they did it and they aren't a kissy family in general. And the number of my inlaws who just pulled baby out of my arms without waiting for a good moment and asking and then not getting the hint to give baby back!!
So i do actually get it. I think it's probably aimed at those older family members rather than friends who respect your boundaries and actually still remember what it's like to have a newborn themselves - you're not going to lecture then on outdated advice, I'm pretty sure that's what they're trying to avoid, not actual pragmatic advice from someone with recent experience.

My brother and SIL did this with their first baby. We was all invited round at certain intervals, separately so not too many people in the house at once. It was kind of awkward at first but while I was there visiting, it actually wasn’t too bad . I’d stuck to the ‘rules’ and went home. Their 2nd baby, same rules applied, but when visiting it didn’t seem like the rules actually applied anymore, they seemed more at ease and not so intimidating, we laughed, joked, chatted till the cows came home, it was ok surprisingly. My SIL is a hard faced woman, who’s also very regimental and came across very stern towards us.

So it might all be due to it’s their first child. They’re just making everyone, not just you aware of what they would prefer when visiting and I bet it won’t be a intimidating as it sounds on paper. Don’t cut yourself off from your friend. She’d be devastated. She’s most likely confused, hormonal, exhausted and overwhelmed, as is her partner. You know yourself how hard it is. Having your first child is just one massive step and families need time to get used to what’s happened, bond with their own baby, and try to do the best for everyone else who wants to come round too. It’ll be absolutely fine. Just support their wishes, even if it wasn’t the same for them when you had your babies. Everyone is different and that’s ok.

Being up front as they have been may offend you but it isn’t about you. If you want to show support, go for a quick visit. Say nice things about baby, give a gift and leave. Short and sweet.

soon d ouch, when they feel more comfortable and confident about being a new parent, how to cope with baby etc, they’ll soon enough have moved on from these rules.

for all you know, they’ve been trampled on by well meaning friends or family that have really put them down, made them anxious, second guessing themselves etc.

if they’re your friends and you care about them, then respect their wishes and be supportive