List of rules for visitors

[WhyamIprocrastinatingonhere]

My friend has just had a baby and her husband has sent out a list of rules before we visit. No visitors for at least 10 days. No advice to be given by visitors or sharing their experiences. Only stay an hour. Visits to be arranged in advance to fit around breastfeeding. There’s an Amazon gift list, if we wish. Wash your hands. Get changed if vaping or smoking. You probably won’t get to hold baby. Don’t kiss baby. Give baby back immediately to mum if crying etc etc.

I really was looking forward to going round to this friend’s house as we are super close, but now I will worry about saying the wrong thing, or offering unwanted advice. Or what if the baby is eating its hands or nuzzling, do I give it back to my friend and say it’s hungry but she will be offended because she will take that as unwanted advice.
I have 3 kids and breastfed them all, but I didn’t produce enough milk when I had the first. If someone else hadn’t told me about cluster feeding to get the milk supply going, I might have given up. Also, I could never arrange times for people to visit around breastfeeding because it just doesn’t work like that with many breastfed babies.
When I had my kids I wanted people to share my happiness and to meet my baby and have cuddles. I find it strange when people produce lists like this or don’t want people holding their babies. AIBU that this is too much? And I had a horrible Labour and then a c section with 1 baby and 1 child was in NICU for a bit.
By The way, this friend came round my house absolutely loads when my babies were small and used to stay all day and all evening. I never minded. I thought it was lovely that she took such an interest in my kids, but now she won’t let anyone even stay more than an hour or give advice, with her own baby. So now I think I might stay away and not have the same relationship with her kids as she’s had with mine, because I am too worried about doing or saying the wrong thing and I shall feel like I am not really wanted there.

T

Well, that's beyond understandable. Hope your little ones are making up for lost time and doing well now 🙂

All my baby TikTok content seems to be couples announcing to relatives that they're having triplets or quads.

Some are vaild, we asked for no drop ins the first week as we wanted to be in a bubble, hand washing, no kissing ect, but I like to think we put those across in a kind way. Everything else on that list is such bs but it sounds like they have a lot of anxiety.

Im amazed so many of us survived, Im in my 60s, we were all born at home. Mum was up next morning getting everyone off to school as dad wouldnt be paid if he wasnt working. All of the children did much of the caring for the baby before and after school. Anyone visiting would be handed baby to cuddle for half an hour to give everyone else a rest. Im not suggesting this is how it should be, but goodness, how very precious some people are in doing the most natural thing in the world.

Until I saw that the vote was massively in favour of you are BU, I was going to say that’s the list that everyone wants their guests to follow but doesn’t dare ask.
I never would’ve asked those things of people but I would’ve wanted to, just didn’t in fear of pissing them off.

So how do those who want to cocoon their first child manage when child 2 or 3 cones along? Do you just lock your snotty toddlers in the shed or something? Take the eldest out of preschool?

A friend of mine went to NCT and had some rules when visiting. She learnt them from someone at NCT not NCT themselves. I thought it a little odd at the time, I guess someone has had a few too many “what you want to do is”..
It can be an emotional time, maybe she’s found it overwhelming and DH is trying to protect her.

I would see her and keep it light, maybe she’s struggling but struggles to admit / poss start of PND. #bekind

They are frightened. They are going into the unknown, and this is their way of feeling they can take a little control of it all.
When the baby arrives they will gradually become less frightened. Then things will get back to normal. Meanwhile, think of them as hedgehogs, prickly with fear, and be patient.

This is spot on. Well said!

My plan for baby 2 is for my toddler to be home the first 3 weeks. I don’t see the issue with that either.

I wouldn’t go. Bollocks to that. What self important tripe.

@Muststopeating .. I am not sure you have understood what I mean by my post.. sometimes gaining insight into someone's behaviour and actions cam help us to understand how to react. (I don't know why it keeps going to BOLD.. sorry)

Of course it's different when there is more than one child in family, but that doesn't negate the benefits of a gentle cocooning post partum period.

I am not sure what answer would satisfy you or what you would dismiss because you have already attempted to prempt my response and counter it.. but I have three children.. eldest was 4.5 when the youngest was born.

Agree with this. Sounds very clearly like she is suffering from post partum anxiety and he is trying to safeguard her from becoming overwhelmed.

I would go and just be yourself.

Just because you had one experience or set of rules with your folks doesn't mean others are the same.

But I'm in the minority clearly

Sounds to me like an over protective or worse still a controlling husband.

I had severe PPA and my husband was the opposite- constantly inviting people round every day when I really needed peace and quiet to bond with baby. It pushed me almost to breaking point because I was so exhausted and he finally got the message. I do think people go a bit crazy over wanting to see a newborn baby but it’s not necessarily what’s best for mum or baby. You’ve got plenty of time once they are past the tiny newborn phase to see your friend and bond with her child

@saraclara
I can’t think of another time/situation where a lot of people automatically expect to be invited round to someone else’s house (for their own benefit) and expect that person to sit there indefinitely and listen to unsolicited advice. Let alone if that person is especially vulnerable/recently released from hospital.
Visitors should realise that, in this circumstance, this is not all about them, and their needs do not come first. If they struggle with that concept, then perhaps extreme measures (eg very clearly communicated boundaries) need to apply.

I would honestly be worried if it was my friend; sounds like she may be struggling mentally. Maybe she just needs a bit of space for her emotions/hormones to calm but maybe it's something more? I think I would be visiting TBH just to make sure she's OK. I can see her point in a way about the advice as I remember feeling so frustrated that everyone had advice for me when I had a newborn - and so much of it was contradictory, even from the professionals. It took me quite a long time to gain confidence in my own parenting, and I do think that some of the unasked-for advice was to blame .

Perhaps you could try to provide some practical support eg take some food round, offer to do some housework (unless that would be taken the wrong way. I can see it might actually.)

If hubby's got time for sending out lists, he's got time to do his own bloody housework lol

I can't think of a time when that's ever happened to me, to anyone in my family, or to my close friends when we gave birth. It's only on mumsnet that I hear of this stuff.

The only people who I think would be hoping (and yes, maybe expecting) to see the newborn in the early days are it's grandparents, and maybe keen uncles and aunts. Even my extremely difficult mum didn't break any of these 'rules' so I really don't think that the vast majority of people need to be issued with this list of ' things that we don't trust you not to do, so we're going to lecture you now so that you know better. Oh and don't forget to bring us a present of our choosing'

if there's someone in your life that you're pretty certain might overstep, then you manage them as the individuals that they are, rather than make everyone else feel unwelcome..

Send the goodie bag and a card. Follow up with a text. Then maybe a phone call.
Then if this is a serious request keep a wide berth. If they ask why just tell the truth that you're afraid of accidentally breaking a rule. Hopefully they'll come round.

If you are really "super close" would you be brave enough to say " your list sounds a bit controlling and off putting. Is there a specific reason you've felt the need to do this?"

I agree completely. YABU. Her baby, her rules. If you are offended, stay away. I had a traumatic birth experience and I wish I had been more clear about my own preferences for visitors.

What absolute weirdos. Don't give advice or talk about your own experiences?! Wtf?! This isn't about respecting boundaries this is plain entitled self obsessed rude nonsense.

Obviously incredibly insecure about being a new mum. Best is to just stay away for a while until she realises how unnecessary all this BS is. You could, if you wanted to be mischievous (I would) ask “what’s wrong with the baby?” and when she asks why you ask that just point out that this draconian list could only be the result if something seriously wrong, a compromised immune system for example.

The trend of sending out lists of ‘rules’ does seem to be gaining popularity on tiktok etc just now especially with first time parents. You don’t see many follow up ones about how it all pans out though.

I think your friend is in for a shock about the practicalities of it all though. Currently breastfeeding our 3 week old & the idea of being able to schedule visits around her feeds is laughable 😂 Asking for no unsolicited advice is maybe fair enough, buy it’s very limiting asking people not to talk about their own experiences. After a fairly traumatic birth myself I’ve found it surprisingly helpful hearing others share if they had similar experiences. Even if it’s not helpful, it’s often just how a lot of conversations end up flowing- ‘X happened to us’ ‘oh that’s interesting, for us it was Y’.

If she’s really that close a friend I’d be surprised to have been included in the list. I’d be cautious about not going & risking hurting your friend at a very vulnerable time. I think I’d go, do my best to stick to the rules, but be prepared to apologise if you find yourself straying into giving advice/discussing your own experience. If baby starts looking for food just wait until he/she cries then pass back as requested. I suspect the rules might not be as strictly enforced as the list suggests though.