While I didn’t send out a list of rules with any of my five children, I did have to enforce some similar boundaries starting with my 2nd. With my first, who was born at 34 weeks, my mum was in the delivery room with my DH and I. It was horrible. She kept commenting on how my legs weren’t shaved, she thought my DH was going to pass out, and random inappropriate comments, all while I was pushing and the NICU team was in the room to ensure my baby’s safety. Thankfully, my baby was fine, but my mom continued the comments while my 4th degree tears were being sewed. I was barely cleaned up and didn’t even get to nurse my baby yet when she brought my stepdad in from the hallway outside my room and they took turns holding my baby for the next hour. The nurses finally kicked them out so I could bond with my baby and rest.
A couple of hours later, they were back with several other relatives to pass my baby around. I was exhausted. They all had to be kicked out again by the nurses because they kept trying to stay past visiting hours. My baby lost an entire pound overnight (from 5lbs to 4). She wouldn’t settle at all. I was up all night nursing her on and off, but the moment she was out of my arms, she screamed bloody murder. Our pediatrician and my OB discharged me and baby the next day hoping we could settle better at home and better establish breastfeeding in a more relaxed environment. I had to go to pediatric appointments every other day to check baby’s weight and well being until she was back to 5lbs. If she didn’t gain weight at each appointment, she had to be readmitted to the hospital. It took weeks to regain that lb.
When we got home, my mum and sister just showed up. I couldn’t sit comfortably because of my tearing and stitches, I was exhausted and my baby kept getting overstimulated because they kept passing her back and forth so they could get cuddles. They stayed hours. It was almost midnight when they left. The entire time they were there, they kept giving advice like to add cereal to formula and baby would sleep through the night from the beginning. When I asked for my crying baby back so I could nurse her and settle her, they refused and said that baby needed to learn to cry it out and to get used to other people. My baby wasn’t even two days old.
Thankfully, they all had to go back to work the next day, so my DH and I got some peace. We still had people who would just pop over to cuddle baby without even asking if we were up for guests. Some relatives were ill and showed up. We refused to let the in and told them they couldn’t visit until they were well again. Seventeen years later, they are still offended that I dared to turn them away. My recovery, establishing breastfeeding, and getting baby’s weight back up and on track took a lot longer than it should have. The entire time, I was inundated with outdated advice that pediatricians consider dangerous nowadays.
We didn’t allow anyone at the hospital until we invited them with my other children. We limited their visit times and didn’t let them monopolize or pass the babies around. We also stopped allowing guests to pop over and limited the time they could stay. We had to assertively take back our babies when necessary and people who didn’t readily comply didn’t get to hold baby on the next visits. We stopped allowing unasked for advice.
I don’t know what the relatives of OP’s friend are like. It is possible that her family and in-laws have been too pushy with this pregnancy and these rules are in response to that. I think OP should just talk to her friend and let her know that she is concerned she might inadvertently overstep. Let her know that she wants to be there for her and baby and ask her directly how she would like visits to go. Thankfully, I had lovely friends who were supportive of my boundaries and they got to stay longer, cuddle baby more and I welcomed their advice and company.