To not want her coming in the house?

[Ogy]

My husbands ex wife, his older child's mum. AIBU to not want her just waltzing into our house?

A bit of background, she never used to so I don't know why it's suddenly started but it's irritating as hell. My stepdaughter is old enough to get any things together and walk to the car at the bottom of the garden or meet at the door but for some reason her mum has started just coming in and waiting for her inside the house. She'll ring DD rather than knock and then she'll just come in whilst SDD goes upstairs and gets the last of her things.

Due to SDDs age now, DH sometimes goes to work in the mornings rather than wait for her to be collected before going which means sometimes I'm here alone too with our DC. This isn't a woman who's been very friendly toward me either so I have no desire to make random small talk with her in my living room waiting for DSD.

Aibu to tell DH to speak to her and ask that she doesn't just come in especially when hes not here. She turned up early yesterday (not uncommon for her to be early or late) so I was just lay on the sofa in my nighty eating my breakfast when she waltzed in! I'm sick of it.

Contact is 2 nights on 2 off so it's not a tiny amount of time either.

I am in and out of the house during the day - front door is unlocked during the day if I am home and downstairs - locked at night.

back garden not enclosed.

@Bellyblueboy I live in a small city with a low crime rate, one of the safest in the country in fact. In a leafy suburb here recently a woman was horrifically assaulted when a random man walked in her front door.

My point is the odds of that happening is incredibly low. Saying people who don’t lock their doors when they are home during the day are stupid is a massive overreaction.

I don’t know anyone who has been assaulted during the day by someone who has entered their home. I have never seen a news story of this happening in the city where I live. Unfortunately it does happen - but the probability is incredibly low.

most people are intelligent enough to make risk assessments and decide what they are comfortable with. I think the risk of someone walking into my house during the day and assaulting me is incredibly low, therefore I don’t lock all the doors when I am home.

@Bellyblueboy I agree. Many horrible things have happened to people in many different situations.

People know people who've died in car accidents but still drive and their grown up children drive. I could go into a very personal experience of this but I'm not going to. Maybe this is why leaving my back door open is not a worry to me but I'm not foolish. I will enjoy the fresh air on a summer's day.

You could get assaulted anywhere but unless you lock yourself in your house forever you are taking risks.

Agreed. Very violent robbers can also smash their ways into houses. Again it is very rare. I don’t lie awake at night worrying about it.

people leave their front doors unlocked on my quiet cul de sac so playing children can come and go as they please.

And yes there have been awful news stories about what can happen when children play unsupervised - but every parents does a risk assessment. In my street they seem to be allowed to play from about nine years old. I can’t imagine their parents barricaded in the house incase some random murdered enters their house while their children play football in the street outside!

Doors are locked at night but my goodness the fear some people live with must be crippling.

Not unreasonable to be annoyed about the ex letting herself into your home

now be reasonable to lock the door, ask DH to tell ex to not just enter your home but to ring the child to let her know she’s there.

I can see potential issue if child’s phone is off, out of battery etc.

how about a ring doorbell too? If she tries the door, finds it locked - you’d get a notification someone is at the door to which you can, via your phone or smart watch, tell her the step daughter will be out momentarily.

having locked door and a ring doorbell are so useful. Imagine also never having to ever put up with any unwanted people at your door in person again. You can simply state you’re not interested. People at your door also need never know if you’re in or not p

2 people I know of have died of Covid this month. You'd be surprised.

YANBU!

The OP also has younger children- I would be concerned that a toddler could let themselves out of an unlocked door and head off down the road. My friend's son was a terrible little escape artist when he was about 3, and she ended up having to change her ordinary door handle for a Yale , and putting on a chain. Sounds excessive, but better than an escaping child.

No toddlers here. I'm sure I did lock the door when I did have but I'm not locking my teenager, DH or me in incase one of us escapes.

I would fit a Yale so she can’t just come in and when she rings the bell just shout up to your SD that mum is here, but don’t get the door 🤷🏻‍♀️

Escapes 😮

Check their trouser pockets for holes and see if there is any extra gravel in the garden.

And don’t let them watch The Great Escape 😉

I was joking 😊

I'm not going to get back into the argument of locking yourself and other teenagers/adults in the house in the day.

I thought you would have realise that I was as well 😊

So sorry 😞. 😂

I love your username

It’s just a little spin on Jack, although I probably do more, and better, trades than him 😉

And in The Great Escape, when they were digging the tunnels, they would shake the dirt they dug out from their trouser legs! Hence my comment previously about checking pockets for holes 😄

Just keep the door locked then she can't just come in.

If you don't want to lock it all the time then just turn the key an hour before she is due to arrive (in case she turns up slightly early)

Sounds like your being awkward on purpose. You sound like a red flag. Its called co parenting. Did you cheat whilst he was her husband because it sounds like it .

No, that's not what co-parenting is.

You shouldn't have to lock your door to keep unwanted people from just walking in.

I'm with you OP. I had a horrible ex to deal with also, so feel your pain, although she knew never to walk into our home that was made very clear.

Co-parenting doesn’t involve either parent just walking unannounced and uninvited into the home your ex now shares with a new partner. Why would you think the OP is being awkward for being put out ? And it’s irrelevant whether the OP was ‘cheating’ while DH was married - although I fail to see the red flags. Just because DHs ex is unpleasant to her, doesn’t mean OP was responsible for the marriage breakdown. Even if it was, this still wouldn’t be something she should tolerate.

I'm just going to (maybe pointlessly) reiterate what everyone else has said. Lock the door.

I always have my doors locked, not because I'm convinced that dangerous criminals are going to burst in at any moment, but just because it then means I don't have to think about it at all and don't have to worry about uninvited visitors walking in, or worry about forgetting to lock them at night. Just get into the habit of it and you'll have more control about letting her in.

Omg just realised this thread is from like two months ago. Hopefully you've worked something out that works for you OP!