To not want her coming in the house?

[Ogy]

My husbands ex wife, his older child's mum. AIBU to not want her just waltzing into our house?

A bit of background, she never used to so I don't know why it's suddenly started but it's irritating as hell. My stepdaughter is old enough to get any things together and walk to the car at the bottom of the garden or meet at the door but for some reason her mum has started just coming in and waiting for her inside the house. She'll ring DD rather than knock and then she'll just come in whilst SDD goes upstairs and gets the last of her things.

Due to SDDs age now, DH sometimes goes to work in the mornings rather than wait for her to be collected before going which means sometimes I'm here alone too with our DC. This isn't a woman who's been very friendly toward me either so I have no desire to make random small talk with her in my living room waiting for DSD.

Aibu to tell DH to speak to her and ask that she doesn't just come in especially when hes not here. She turned up early yesterday (not uncommon for her to be early or late) so I was just lay on the sofa in my nighty eating my breakfast when she waltzed in! I'm sick of it.

Contact is 2 nights on 2 off so it's not a tiny amount of time either.

Not unreasonable but lock your door, anyone could come in. Just tell your DH to lock it when he leaves. That’s the most obvious and simple solution here

For safety's sake I'd definitely be keeping the door locked tbh. Tell your Hubby to speak to the ex and make it clear that she's no longer welcome to let herself in.

"Why? She can wait in the car like DH does at hers".

Are you sure DH waits outside her house when he goes to pick his DD up? Maybe he goes in hers so she thinks she can come in yours? Either way, lock your door!

As a child who was raised by a mother who hated my step mother with a vengence and didnt ever allow her to step foot in her house......all I can say is as an adult - I am very resentful of my mother.

She made the whole thing so much harder than it needed to be for me.

All these adults at war with one another who would have their rants and move on with their day vs me - the child who was anxious the whole time, worrying and trying to keep everyone happy. Oftentimes it wasnt even what they were saying but the whole energy created.

During my 20s i had horrible mental health issues, that took years to unpick.

Your SD is still a developing brain. You're an adult.

Do with that what you like.

Can you do the drop off and pick ups yourself for awhile and do the same to her?
See her reaction?

@Ogy its not unreasonable for you to not want this woman in your house. But for the sake of your family harmony and everyone’s mental health, perhaps a courteous welcome and small talk at the door inviting her to wait in the car would not hurt. (This is assuming you have locked the door). And if it was a cold day, perhaps invite the woman in to wait in the hall. Be the bigger person if you can and be a role model of manners and kindness to your kids, including DSD. That is the theory and my two pence.
Having said this, you have mentioned there is history. And it is your home so entirely up to you who you have there. You should not feel uncomfortable in your own home.
Good luck with it all.

It’s pretty normal to not have the door locked when you’re at home, isn’t it? I only lock mine at night.

I think she has presented you with the perfect excuse, actually! You can now say to both CF and SD 'I am not comfortable with you constantly coming into the house. I was in my PJs yesterday and this is just not on. [SD version - I will be asking her to] Please wait in the car in future. If there's anything in the house that SD specifically needs to show you, we can do this by occasional prior arrangement. I feel I need some privacy.'

Show that yóu are the better woman. Put a chair in the hall and tell her to sit and wait there for her daughter while you have other things to do. Leave her in the hall, close the door, calmly walk to the kitchen or wherever it is you and your own children have breakfast. Show some class, don't nag, don't scream, be an icequeen. Maybe better to not stretch out on the sofa in your nightie if you know she's coming 😜

OP I can relate. Oh this brings me back (and not in a good way).

DSC's mum used to appear at our window banging and waving to the kids or walk right in, often straight by me and sit herself down.

She would try to ignore me but I wouldn't allow it. I would walk straight in after her and fire questions at her relentlessly and tell the kids to hurry up getting their stuff ready.

I hoped the frostiness would die down if I didn't acknowledge it. It didn't.

She went too far though. She dropped her daughter over after asking me for a favour, got out of the car, barely acknowledged me and walked straight into the house. To my horror I saw her walk around all three rooms downstairs taking everything in. The rooms were messy. I had a brand new baby, was doing some contract work between feeds and was now doing a favour for her. She looked at me with clear contempt.

I said calmly "Please wait in the car in future."

Like your situ OP, she had never lived in our house. We bought it together. Ironically, my DH still owns half of her house but he is not allowed enter it and he respects this.

I don't think you should ask your DH to message but I do think you should ask him to row in behind you if she raises it with him. You can say directly "sorry ex-wife, I'm not up to visitors could you wait in the car. Your daughter won't be long." Nothing further.

@Ogy

I'm on your side here. But I think the main thing is that there is probably no way to deal with this without you coming out looking like the 'bad guy', in which I'd take the direct path and tell the ex-wife myself that in future she needs to wait outside.

I mean you obvs shouldn't tell DSD 'Tell your mother to wait outside' or 'Don't ask your mother to come in'. If your DH speaks to his ex I'm sure he'll say "Ogy would prefer you wait outside" so as not to 'disrupt' their co-parenting. Even if he says "Ogy and I" or "I", she'll know who's behind it, anyway. So you may as well take the bull by the horn.

Does she knock or walks in ? If the latest just luck the door , if she knocks then just open the sort a bit and say she will be out soon

Talk to your step daughter and explain you find it uncomfortable when her mum just waltzes in and you would rather she waited in her car. Then when first wife comes in, tell her you would appreciate her waiting in her car. Simples.

But wouldn’t that simple change just sort of fix your boggle?

YANBU.

Parents splitting up is horrible for children and we can all be nice and civil and not involve the children in any uncomfortable feelings between the adults.

She shouldn't just be waltzing in and if she is then I'd definitely address it.

If DSD is inviting her in the boundary needs to be set there too, probably by dad?

I wouldn't want my own DC inviting anybody who didnt live in the house, especially at that time in the morning, without mentioning it first! It's courtesy to ask the adults first?

That's before we get to the awkward she's the ex wife bit!

The idea that OP is somehow indebted to give ex-wife free access to her home whenever with no warning because it's DSDs mum is surely absolutely nuts?! There needs to be a line somewhere?!

Scenario 1) you can just tell her that you don’t appreciate her walking into YOUR HOME unannounced & that it needs to stop.
Go to the door, usher her out & say you’ll bring DSC out to the car.
She seems to be trying to dominate you but you are letting her by not setting a boundary at the threshold of YOUR HOME.

Scenario 2) you share care of a child so no-matter what has gone in between the adults you need to try & keep things as amicable as possible between the grownups while the children are around! Offer her a cuppa, no matter how much you detest her, & be the bigger person.

This, to me, is completely barmy.

They share care of a child, yes. But they do not all live in one home together?!

I wouldn't want ANYBODY letting themselves into my house unannounced and I wouldn't want the kids doing that when I was in my PJs in the morning either!

My door is permanently locked (DH always out before me). What if you were having a shower in the morning and a burglar decided to get in???

Regardless of that, your DH needs to make it clear to her not to come in. Perhaps she has somehow got the impression its ok to come straight in - could your SD have said this to her?

If shes contacting SD then just walking in, id hang about when next expected open the door before she walks in and say X wont be a minute then shut the door, ex can then stand outside or get back in her car and wait.
I would NOT have ex in my house.

Probably wise to prevent other randoms coming in as well

Do you ever have to pick up from her house?
Waltz in to hers, & when she starts telling you to get out, you say.
"Yes Exactly.....I don't like it either"

This. She rings the door you say Morning Jane. Katie is getting things ready and she will walk down to your car when she is. Have a good day and close the door quickly and firmly. Not a question a statement of fact.

Oh FGS just lock the damn door.

This is my experience but not for many people on here who live in fear of being burgled or assaulted in your home.

You could get attacked anywhere but you can't just lock yourself in your house incase something bad happens.

You could get killed in a car accident etc.

As for walking into your ex Husband's house uninvited is also bizzarre. Just wait in the car like a normal person.

I don't know where you live but are random people just walking into other people's houses?