To not want her coming in the house?

[Ogy]

My husbands ex wife, his older child's mum. AIBU to not want her just waltzing into our house?

A bit of background, she never used to so I don't know why it's suddenly started but it's irritating as hell. My stepdaughter is old enough to get any things together and walk to the car at the bottom of the garden or meet at the door but for some reason her mum has started just coming in and waiting for her inside the house. She'll ring DD rather than knock and then she'll just come in whilst SDD goes upstairs and gets the last of her things.

Due to SDDs age now, DH sometimes goes to work in the mornings rather than wait for her to be collected before going which means sometimes I'm here alone too with our DC. This isn't a woman who's been very friendly toward me either so I have no desire to make random small talk with her in my living room waiting for DSD.

Aibu to tell DH to speak to her and ask that she doesn't just come in especially when hes not here. She turned up early yesterday (not uncommon for her to be early or late) so I was just lay on the sofa in my nighty eating my breakfast when she waltzed in! I'm sick of it.

Contact is 2 nights on 2 off so it's not a tiny amount of time either.

Have you spoken to DSD? She might be sending a text saying, "I'll be a minute, come on in".

It's DSD's home so she might not see the issue.

@JoanOfAllTrades

Look at the policy document excerpts posted above.

It's just not correct to say insurance is voided in the way you're claiming.

Well then it’s okay to leave doors and windows unlocked/open. I guess it doesn’t matter about the psychological effects of being burgled (or worse) whilst you’re home!

Okay we get it now about the locks. My AIBU was not about whether I should lock my door or not, it was about whether I was being reasonable not wanting her in my house. Whether the door is locked, unlocked, DSD inviting her in whatever the situation, AIBU not wanting her in my house and saying she can wait in the car?

Can we move on now about the locks and insurance.

Of course you are not unreasonable to not want her in the house. Nor is it unreasonable of people to say that locking the door would solve the issue, especially if you tell DSD to be ready for the handover rather than bringing her mother in.

I think we can on now.

I don't think you are in the wrong at all.

There is no need for her to come into your house. Her child is safe and quite capable of leaving your house on her own.

Are you going to say something?

Move on

Once she knows the door is always locked she will just stay in the car.

If she's being rude to you (by ignoring you) then maybe pick up needs to be changed, or your husband has to sort out something else or does it himself!

Really, rather than starting a war I'd try and find a way of engaging. She's going to be in your life a long time, weddings, christenings, graduations, birthdays - step parents who can't be at least civil cause endless needless drama.

Be the better person.

This is exactly why doors have locks on them.

We are perfectly civil with my husband's ex and have been for many years. She has never been in our home. She has never tried though.

You are not being unreasonable at all, the feeling of someone just walking in unexpectedly, (because either quite late or early but not on time) without asking, is very uncomfortable and makes you feel like you can't relax in your own home. I get it.
However, there is some truth in the above.
My feeling is that although you don't "know" her well like a friend, you do know her well enough to start saying Good Morning Name in a civil way and repeating it until she answers you back. She doesn't get away with just ignoring you. I've tried this and its has 80-90 per cent success rate.

This has to be done in a polite, no care in the world way - not in a huffy way that would escalate hostilities. She knows exactly what she's doing and is pleased to be getting away with it, having free reign to ruffle your feathers and have a good look around the house whilst she's at it and displaying her lack of regard for you by ignoring you in a way that's slightly ambiguous (ie is she ignoring me or not) and therefore has been difficult for you to challenge.
It would signal that you won't continue to let her go unchallenged, but also that the challenge will not be nasty.
Then I would communicate with her directly. She's in your house, in your space bothering you - so say it from yourself, not from DH (although he can also communicate directly.) You are effectively co-parenting with this woman, signal to her that you are both going to communicate and politely and there will be no messing around from now on.
Has to be done in a firm but nice way. Can we come to an agreement about pick ups that suits both of us? Tell her that it is a bit uncomfortable for her to just walk into your house and that you feel when she does this that it comes across as if she is slightly ignoring you. That's your impression. Ask her why she does this. ( again challenging but nicely, calmly and with no "tone" in your voice) Ask her if she has a problem and listen to what she says.
Don't be temped to argue and start justifying just Reply I hear what you are saying... reply that you both have to co-parent and want things to be civil between you.
This might get her beef off her chest and calm the situation. You can always say. I don't agree with you but I will think about what you've said.

Then. you can tell her yourself that having someone walk in at unexpected times is uncomfortable for you and whilst you don't want to make her feel uncomfortable, you'd rather she'd wait in the car because its every two days and that is too much.. would she like you to burst in on her? But again. Calmly.

I think that handling this directly and offering to open a line of direct communication means you will get your message across. You don't have to be friends but this is really stressing you out. It also shows her that you are going to speak to her directly if she tries any more nonsense on you. But it will probably be a relief for DSD and you if you can resolve this with her. ( I know it's not easy) It's a different tack, one that she won't be expecting. She's expecting you to continue to be cowed by her presence and unsure, so its Worth a try since DH re verbalising what you want to her probably hasn't worked. Best of luck.

I'm sure you are but the OP locking the door on someone who has been invited in by someone else in the house isn't being civil. Engaging with them and explaining things and setting some boundaries is.

The lock keeps the interactions simple though. The DH sends a text "Please would you wait for DSD in the car in the mornings unless you need to speak to @Ogy about something or there's an emergency. Thanks"
Door is kept locked.
If ex tries the door, she then has to speak to @Ogy to explain why she needs to come in. A cheerful "Hi, how are you? Did you want me to shout DSD down?" can all be done standing at the door.

If ex asks why, DH can simplify as "To not disrupt everyone else in the house." Explanations aren't really necessary in this case though, it's all pretty obvious.

It feels you are coming from a place where there is some kind of rivalry between you two

I think that you have chosen to co-parent this child and it would be great if you could get along. In the best interests of the kid

I would let her in to my house, but I would expect her to knock, and I would tell her so myself - the same as i would anyone else who did this...i mean it is overly familiar whoever they are (unless they live there)

I would try to make friendly with this woman, but defo boundaries about walking in like she owns the place - but i would try to keep things calm and friendly as much as possible

Paranoid much? My door is always unlocked as there’s lots of coming and going during the day. Never in 30 years of living here has anyone come in who should be here.

I'm probably not the best person to be answering this as our door is hardly ever locked and the ex has a key as she feeds the cat when we are away....

YES YABU to “not want her in your house”. As you said, you don’t know if your SD is telling her to come in and you’d be extremely unreasonably to tell SD her mum isn’t allowed in YOUR house. It’s not just your house, it’s also your husband’s and your step daughters. It’s her mother, and it’s also her house.

You are being completely ridiculous. Unless the woman is on the deeds and paying the mortgage of course she shouldn't just fucking walk in whenever she wants to. She's her DSD's mum, not her line manager. Even a line manager wouldn't come barging in!

How is she just jazzing in? I wouldn't want anybody to just waltz in. Lock your door, problems solved.

Lock the door
When she's due make sure dsc doesn't s ready
Open door child leaves.

Barging in- no. Coming in when her daughter has invited her in- yes. Big big difference.

As the OP has said, she doesn’t know if it is the daughter saying to come wait inside. If it is, it’s extremely unfair to tell her that her mum isn’t allowed into the house that she lives in half of the time. All that does it make it feel like she (SD) is a guest in that house, who can’t invite her own mother in for 5 minutes when she comes to collect her.

Not read all the replies, so apologies if I’m repeating others, but she is ABSOLUTELY being a cheeky fuck! It is your home, your sanctuary- and no one has the right to help themselves to it! Feels like some sort of power play on her part - so, so weird to do this.

If you can't be adult, then ensure SD is ready early.

Tell Dd to get herself ready for mum . If mum rings tell her you will be out to car shortly .

if she knocks … I will send her out to the car as soon as she is ready ..

it’s less confrontational but gets what you want . Which isn’t unreasonable