To be disappointed by DP's salary cut

[Lemonsugarhigh]

DP lost his job in April (a job he hated) and has been doing nothing since, just living off savings/decent redundancy money. Totally fine, because he needed a break. I wasn't concerned. He applied for several jobs but was rejected at final stage for all of them, and he was becoming disheartened. So he felt compelled to take a job that's MUCH more junior, paying significantly less than he was on before. Less than half his last salary in fact. He's now earning half my salary too. I know it shouldn't but it bothers me. Everyone else moves jobs and gets raises. Even DP's brother who's 8 years younger and doesn't have a single qualification recently got a new job paying more than what DP will be on now. DP doesn't seem bothered.

We were supposed to be trying to buy our first home together, but not financially possible now. Aibu to be disappointed? Should he have held out until he got a better offer?

Why is no-one discussing OP's comment that her DH has no confidence? Surely as his partner thats what she should be focused on not the fact he got made redundant and couldn't get a job with the pay he had before....... in all likelyhood the two are linked. Surely????

Shit happens. Life is what happens to you when you're busy making other plans. Comparison is the thief of joy. And all that crap.
I'm not playing competitive hardship but I've seen threads on here where the DH was made redundant years since and can't be arsed to get a job. I've seen threads on here where the DW has been a SAHM for 25 years and is on here whining cos her H has asked if she could work part time as his blood pressure is through the roof trying to keep the roof over their heads.
You have a life-fart. Imagine life as a watermill. Sometimes you're on top, smiling and waving as you sail around. Next thing you're under water and struggling a bit. But you'll resurface.
I'm not belittling the disappointment you must feel. I remember feeling quite angry at a funeral recently, where we reconnected with many of our friends from 40 years ago. I was quite pissed off that so many of them seemed better off financially than we are, driving better cars, carrying Mulberry's, dc at this and that private school. I had to give myself a good shake. I've decided to pretend they are all miserable as heck inside, the cars are all on PCP, and they're living on baked beans to pay the school fees.
You have a DP with a work ethic, he's not too proud to take any job to keep the home fires burning. And it is one of the mysteries of the UK job market that it's easier to GET a new job once you HAVE a job. It's strange but true.
You'll be on the up-and-up again soon.

What a ridiculous thing to say.
He’s been on 60k, lost his job through a restructure, lived on redundancy and savings, now has a new job.
How is that ‘letting OP pick up the slack’?

Well done him taking work, at whatever salary.

Hopefully he will enjoy this one and that already makes it better than the job before.

If the income is problematic he can look at changing jobs once he is in this one.

Do not relate it to your income - he did his best in the current circumstances.

How so? If she wants more money than they gave why is it only on the man to earn more?

There’s nothing stopping him looking for another job while he is in a job.

Except his drive (lack of). as OP says, he will be happy to coast and will not be looking for anything better.

So I totally get the industry he works in and what he's capable of salary wise

Multiple hiring managers think otherwise. If he's as good as you think then he will get promoted before long.

OP not been back I see.

I'm still interested to hear about the qualities which cause her to love him, feel proud of him and want to lift him, rather than seemingly feel ashamed of him.

As someone who also took a significant pay cut and a much more junior role following redundancy, YABVU. Years later, I'm now on over 3x the salary I was on pre-redundancy. You can't hold out forever for a better job offer - I mean, how long should he have held out for? 6 months? A year? Two years?

Everyone else moves jobs and gets raises.

No they don't. People are made redundant all the time and have to take lower paid jobs - I did. What a ridiculous thing to say.

You say he has "no confidence" - gee, I wonder why? When he was made redundant and took the best job he could get, and yet his DP is unsupportive and is constantly contrasting his setbacks with the successes of other people?

we're always fighting fires that seem to be mostly to do with DP, and our situation is on a perpetual downward trend!

You'd need to elaborate as to what this means, as none of what you said in your OP suggests any of that.

We were supposed to be trying to buy our first home together, but not financially possible now.

Your combined income is still ~£90K so I don't see why that is a showstopper. Maybe it is in London, but you say yourself that you live outside London.

What's wrong with coasting if you enjoy your job? Some people find challenge anxiety inducing. My husband hasn't gone for promotion because it means management not actual technical work, and he enjoys technical work, plus they have to pass down all the ridiculous ideas higher levels decide on (that often get changed later when they don't work). It's a role so different from his that he doesn't want it.

It's OK to want it, as well, but it's more important to be happy in work.

Something happened in his previous job to say "he lost his job" that might reflect on where he is now.

While I don't agree with OP's stance here, I never get "ha OP's not been back" posts. It's been less than 5 hours since she first posted. Most people actually have lives outside of some internet forum

Oh absolutely. I was simply observing that since she hasn't returned I'm no wiser regarding this question than I was originally.

YABU. Just because he took a job it doesn't mean he has to stay there forever. He can continue to look, and it is much easier to get a new job when you are currently in one.

I’m not sure it’s reasonable to expect another person to work harder or in a job that they are unhappy with to satisfy your ambition and the need for “support”.

I'm guessing its better than nothing whilst he carries on looking.

OP, think long and hard before you commit to a long term relationship with someone who seems content to settle for little.

Thats fine if you are ok with it, but if you are not happy with it, admit it, don't just drift and end up very resentful.

It's ok to want as good a life as possible, to want to progress.

So important to have shared values and priorities in a long term couple.

YANBU. Taking a position that pays half as much is a huge step back. I get why he felt he had to do it, but now he has to either continue the job hunt and screw over his current company or stay for some time which will hurt his CV further.

But how does he feel about it? Is he feeling humiliated? You can get through this together. To do that you need to be s team.

Apologies, your use of the word "bothered" didn't sound empowering to me but I can see that that was what you were trying to do.

It's really not easy to look for a job where the salary is twice as high though.

Why is it mean? She wants more money. Why can’t she go and earn it herself?

I misread it. I thought it was a sarky post, I did not realise it was meant at a genuine suggestion.

Because she wants a partner who's on her wavelength. That's not unreasonable.

They had joint goals together. It's not his fault he lost his job and it's not his fault he hasn't got back to his pre redundancy salary. But that doesn't seem to be OP's concern. She's concerned because he isn't continuing to try to get back to his former salary, thus jeopardising their joint plans and demonstrating a personality that might not be compatible with hers. She says there have been other issues like this too.

Just because you want a man to be able to support you doesn’t mean reversing the sexes is irrelevant, it just means despite calling yourself a career woman you are actually quite sexist

So split up then if they aren’t compatible.

They might.