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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To be disappointed by DP's salary cut

257 replies

Lemonsugarhigh · 10/09/2023 07:17

DP lost his job in April (a job he hated) and has been doing nothing since, just living off savings/decent redundancy money. Totally fine, because he needed a break. I wasn't concerned. He applied for several jobs but was rejected at final stage for all of them, and he was becoming disheartened. So he felt compelled to take a job that's MUCH more junior, paying significantly less than he was on before. Less than half his last salary in fact. He's now earning half my salary too. I know it shouldn't but it bothers me. Everyone else moves jobs and gets raises. Even DP's brother who's 8 years younger and doesn't have a single qualification recently got a new job paying more than what DP will be on now. DP doesn't seem bothered.

We were supposed to be trying to buy our first home together, but not financially possible now. Aibu to be disappointed? Should he have held out until he got a better offer?

OP posts:
bulletproof1979 · 13/09/2023 12:07

I think you are perhaps over reacting - as others have mentioned psychologically job interviews are 100% easier when you're in a job than when you're not. The pressure is off. You should encourage him to be applying for and wide for jobs that interest him (and perhaps even a few he's not) - real word interview experience is valuable and will help him nail something that's a better fit, even if it takes 6 months.

bulletproof1979 · 13/09/2023 12:51

determinedtomakethiswork · 10/09/2023 14:06

It's really not easy to look for a job where the salary is twice as high though.

Your assuming the partner discloses their current salary to the new employer. There's no requirement do so.

Dgrl04 · 13/09/2023 13:38

Honestly it seems maybe there's somwthin else going on. Why would he keep getting rejected at the last point? But also you have every right to be concerned and upset especially since you all had plans to buy a house. Why didn't he find a new job before leaving that one? Idk there's a lot of things there but your feelings are your feelings and it's okay to feel that way!!!

tennesseewhiskey1 · 13/09/2023 13:44

Held out for how long OP? My husband was let go in 2014 and held out for a better paying job - its 2023 and he still has not found a full time job, but freelancing. So - how long do you think your partner should be holding out for?

bulletproof1979 · 13/09/2023 13:45

Dgrl04 · 13/09/2023 13:38

Honestly it seems maybe there's somwthin else going on. Why would he keep getting rejected at the last point? But also you have every right to be concerned and upset especially since you all had plans to buy a house. Why didn't he find a new job before leaving that one? Idk there's a lot of things there but your feelings are your feelings and it's okay to feel that way!!!

You may want to re-read the OP - he was made redundant.

Lemmony · 13/09/2023 19:46

Money honestly isn't everything.

Lalalalala555 · 14/09/2023 12:02

Tricky.

It depends what he wants and what he is willing and is doing.
And also what you want.

Its fair enough you're frustrated. But equally taking out that frustration on him vs talking about it and exploring it and wanting to understand his angle is v different. There is no such right or wrong.

As partners you should both be advocating for the others happiness. If buying a house is important to you that should be something he is supportive of, but equally you should be supportive he has a job? You are both in your own right to make decisions about your own lives. But it's important for a relationship to talk about them, and have consideration for the impact and understand how the other person will receive it.
And then keep evaluating if the relationship is right for you.

Effectively is he planning and taking action to get a better paid job. Is that important to him. Is he happy to stay put. How long for. Are you happy to accept that or do you want a more financially rich aprtner. Is he willing to step up to meet your needs or not. Then you can decide from there.

It is probably not easy for him to magically get any job. It's unfair to judge him on his success when it's not his decision if he gets picked for a job. But it is fair to hold him accountable for his effort, especially if he has said and promised he is going for a salary that is more than what he's on.

Really you just need to talk. To understand what his angle is, where he's at. And what his plan is. What he cares about investing in you and how his career choice effects your relationship. And then evaluate if it's going to be a place where your happy or if it doesn't meet your needs.

Its not fair to harbour resentment for someone without raising your concerns. And it's not good to stay with someone and make them feel inadequate. If he isn't going to step up to what you need, you should consider leaving him. If he isn't able to step up, but wants to that's more tricky. Maybe you allow a time frame or try and rough it for a bit.

People say love should be there without money. But as an adult paying your own way or having open discussions about who's bringing what to the table and both being valued is important. Happiness relates to health.

Maybe you're at peace paying for yourself and him also. Maybe you're not and you want a partner with ambition and action.

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