Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be disappointed by DP's salary cut

257 replies

Lemonsugarhigh · 10/09/2023 07:17

DP lost his job in April (a job he hated) and has been doing nothing since, just living off savings/decent redundancy money. Totally fine, because he needed a break. I wasn't concerned. He applied for several jobs but was rejected at final stage for all of them, and he was becoming disheartened. So he felt compelled to take a job that's MUCH more junior, paying significantly less than he was on before. Less than half his last salary in fact. He's now earning half my salary too. I know it shouldn't but it bothers me. Everyone else moves jobs and gets raises. Even DP's brother who's 8 years younger and doesn't have a single qualification recently got a new job paying more than what DP will be on now. DP doesn't seem bothered.

We were supposed to be trying to buy our first home together, but not financially possible now. Aibu to be disappointed? Should he have held out until he got a better offer?

OP posts:
trader21c · 10/09/2023 07:51

I’m in a similar boat though sure older than your DP - took redundancy in April now freelancing (through choice). Several of my former colleagues are in the same position. It’s not that easy to get a job! He’s done well to get something I think you’re being a bit selfish but I do understand where you are coming from

Chestnutz · 10/09/2023 08:01

It seems that you both have quite different values. He’s done the right thing in getting back to work. Approach to finances is definitely something a couple needs to agree on else it can lead to building resentment over years. You both need to get on the same page - but ultimately you can’t force him to do something that he doesn’t want to.

Original poster
Lemonsugarhigh · 10/09/2023 08:04

@Totalwasteofpaper
Yes he was earning £60k and is now on £30k. We live just outside London so it is problematic. No, we're not on the breadline thankfully, but having to reconsider our (not very extravagant anyway) lifestyle and all our plans. Tbh these things always happen to DP. We're surrounded by friends and family whose lives are always succeeding and progressing - we're always fighting fires that seem to be mostly to do with DP, and our situation is on a perpetual downward trend! Maybe this is more what my concern is.

OP posts:
Milkand2sugarsplease · 10/09/2023 08:09

He's on 100% more than he was not working!

It's probably time to sit down and have a conversation with him about your future together.
If you're on different pages you have a few things to iron out.

Is there a reason he wasn't getting the jobs he was applying for...: there must be something missing in his cv for him to be repeatedly overlooked for another candidate.

It's better that he has a job now but you do need to do some planning about next steps (and stick to them) if you're going to map out a future together. If he's happy earning less and doesn't want to climb a ladder, you need to think where that leaves you future wise... change your plans together to accommodate or change your DP for one that wants the same as you.

Dibbydoos · 10/09/2023 08:09

So you know your DP is not career oriented, gets content in his job and stays with it, yet you want to change him into a career hungry slippery pole climber. And not only that you have no idea what his new employer will thunk if him. They know they got someone experienced so they'll want to keep that, which means they're likely to promote him.

If you love him drop your ideas about what should or should not do, they are not your choice. If you cannot get over this it will cause a breakdown of your relationship so best to go your separate ways now then.

Put bluntly, none of us should be trying to change our partners either put up with their behaviours or get out.

ConnieTucker · 10/09/2023 08:11

Lemonsugarhigh · 10/09/2023 08:04

@Totalwasteofpaper
Yes he was earning £60k and is now on £30k. We live just outside London so it is problematic. No, we're not on the breadline thankfully, but having to reconsider our (not very extravagant anyway) lifestyle and all our plans. Tbh these things always happen to DP. We're surrounded by friends and family whose lives are always succeeding and progressing - we're always fighting fires that seem to be mostly to do with DP, and our situation is on a perpetual downward trend! Maybe this is more what my concern is.

If you arent a good fit personality wise, dont settle. Youre not married and you dont own a home. Do you have children? If not, and he isnt a good fit for you and you dont share the same goals, leave.

MyBrownEyedHandsomeBoy · 10/09/2023 08:13

He's done a sensible thing there actually. After all the rejections, he's accepted the first offer. Even if it is a lot lower, at least he will have some sort of income, and the guarantee of a rolling monthly wage.
He can continue looking and applying whilst in this job, and I'm sure something will come up at some point.
You should support and encourage him more op.

JennyForeigner · 10/09/2023 08:13

I understand this because I was someone like your husband for years and years. Things never quite worked out for me, while my friends and siblings all found a straightforward trajectory.

In my 40s I have found the things I can do and thrive in. I'll never have anything like the established life people around me do, but I also genuinely appreciate where life has taken me. I couldn't buy in London, so I made a home somewhere I love and where we have an outstanding family life and are not too worried by the mortgage hikes. We're not trapped and can cope when jobs fall through. I've taken extra qualifications so I am particularly fitted for niche work. Most of all, I'm proud of having done anything I needed to do, including having pulled pints for a little extra money while furnishing my first home.

There can be good things about a partner like yours and if he has a solid work ethic and wants to graft, that will pay off in the end.

EthicalNonMahogany · 10/09/2023 08:15

"put up or get out" wouldn't work foe me if I had a family. If it's just me and DH sure he can do what he likes and if I want a better lifestyle it's on me to go get it.

Once we have children I'd assume a shared work ethic, to try and maintain our standard of living which was the basis on which we had the kids. Nobody can predict ill health or bad luck or a job not going great, but you can expect your partner to make the reasonable effort you make yourself to maximise your earnings. Or at least to have conversations about what that level should be.

User5512 · 10/09/2023 08:16

Mentally, it’s a million times better looking for a job while having a job.

did he tell you he plans to stay in this junior role for long?

Totalwasteofpaper · 10/09/2023 08:20

Given the numbers and he was underpaid before. i would really be deciding if this is a deal breaker. / you want a future with him. You sound like you were unhappy with it before.

look into the future.. you have two small kids to manage, a mortgage and a financially horizontal DH. You are the breadwinner/ under pressure to manage house and finances. Is something you would be okay with? Do the good things offset that?

i wouldnt be okay with it. My feeling is once you get into a serious relationship or start a family its not about you. You have obligations. That includes doing several things you dont fancy... compromising on holiday types, stuff with inlaws, kids play parks, working 8-10pm most nights so you can play with you child 5-7 etc.....

That said...our neighbours opposite have this set up both are lovely and are 15 years married... a large inheritance probably helped though....

itsmyp4rty · 10/09/2023 08:20

Money and career seem to be be very important to you and not him - maybe he's not the right person for you?

Beckafett · 10/09/2023 08:23

I think like most posts there is a lot more to this and I saw (I think) that you mention that a lot of your financial pressure comes from his decisions.
Sounds like you've gone from £120k+ combined income to £90k which means for most people they can manage more then fine on that but appreciate you may have high rents and debts.
Is this change going to make the person you married happy? If you can afford a roof over your head and your bills are covered I'd allow yourself to process your disappointment and move on.

StarBloo · 10/09/2023 08:24

£90k combined doesn't sound like fighting fire to me, and if it is then maybe there's other things you need to be looking at, debt, money management, etc. You can't buy a first home on £90k combined salary?

FUPAgirl · 10/09/2023 08:25

You need to give him a chance here. He has worked his way up once, he can do it again.

You still have a recent combine salary, can you not move further out to buy if necessary, do you need to be in London?

mycatsanutter · 10/09/2023 08:27

That's a massive pay difference I would be very frustrated too. ( my dh is just about to move up the ladder after 20 years and that's with me pushing him ) . Have you pointed out how it's going to alter the future plans or is he so laid back he thinks things will just sort themselves out ?

Skiggles2018 · 10/09/2023 08:27

Do you have kids OP?

we had a similar thing happen after Covid when DH was made redundant. His previous pay was very good and he earned more than me. It was a tough couple of years as we had young kids and two lots of nursery fees but there are so many benefits that now he’s available for half the drop offs and pick ups at school and nursery which he couldn’t do before with the commute and hours.
we’ve also decided that I would increase my hours as I was very part time and once youngest starts school I’ll go back almost full time but I do love my job, love having DH around more to help (he now does the cleaning 🎉, learnt to cook properly when on furlough and the kids are much closer to him now he’s around).

When he was on furlough, he couldn’t handle it and was getting very grumpy as he needs to work so took a second job. Some people just need to have a focus.
Give this job a chance, it may have some benefits and your DH may need it right now. Discuss it kindly and not that he’s not enough because of his earnings as this will just destroy your marriage.

SleepingStandingUp · 10/09/2023 08:28

Lemonsugarhigh · 10/09/2023 08:04

@Totalwasteofpaper
Yes he was earning £60k and is now on £30k. We live just outside London so it is problematic. No, we're not on the breadline thankfully, but having to reconsider our (not very extravagant anyway) lifestyle and all our plans. Tbh these things always happen to DP. We're surrounded by friends and family whose lives are always succeeding and progressing - we're always fighting fires that seem to be mostly to do with DP, and our situation is on a perpetual downward trend! Maybe this is more what my concern is.

Fundamentally I think you need to decide if this is the relationship you want. You don't have much respect for him seemingly - a coaster who's happy to be lazy and not push through like you, who's happy to live off your wage instead of trying to better himself to keep up etc.

You need to sit down and have a what now chat. What can you do on a joint 90l salary. What does that mean for house and kids or holidays or hobbies etc.

If your values are aligned he'll see why he needs to increase his salary. If they're not, then you're not going to make each other happy

SurprisedWithAHorse · 10/09/2023 08:32

Lemonsugarhigh · 10/09/2023 08:04

@Totalwasteofpaper
Yes he was earning £60k and is now on £30k. We live just outside London so it is problematic. No, we're not on the breadline thankfully, but having to reconsider our (not very extravagant anyway) lifestyle and all our plans. Tbh these things always happen to DP. We're surrounded by friends and family whose lives are always succeeding and progressing - we're always fighting fires that seem to be mostly to do with DP, and our situation is on a perpetual downward trend! Maybe this is more what my concern is.

What do you mean? What else has happened?

Seymour5 · 10/09/2023 08:42

I was redundant at 50, no relevant qualifications, I’d worked my way up over 18 years in the organisation. OH was in poor health, waiting for treatment and surgery and couldn’t work. I had to find a job as his sick pay was minimal. I took a job on about half of what I previously earned, used redundancy money to clear our credit cards, and pared back a bit. I was promoted more than once, retiring at a similar level to my previous job. Getting any job is a good start, I’m a believer in getting a foot in the door, as promotion is often easier once you’re in.

PortalooSunset · 10/09/2023 08:42

It's much easier to get a job when you're already in work. Look at this as a stop gap.

Boredombeckons · 10/09/2023 08:44

YABU because "my husband is too proud to accept lower paying jobs so has been on a prolonged extended vacation" is a real thing.

It's a million times easier to get a job offer (let alone a good one) when you're employed versus when you're unemployed. Employers don't tend to think well of unemployed applicants.

I think you should just be glad he is being practical - but after giving him some time to transition into this job, have a supportive talk with him about future strategic planning, applying around some more, etc.

Teateaandmoretea · 10/09/2023 08:44

It isn’t true that he’s earning half as much, not in terms of take home pay.

I think yabu there comes a point where you have to just take a job. Many years ago my DH went from 32 to 20 after being made redundant. He made his way again. Sometimes life doesn’t go the way that you’ve planned it.

Primproperpenny · 10/09/2023 08:44

Sounds like you’re carrying him. If he got a decent redundancy payment, that could have gone towards a house deposit and he could have taken anything else in the meantime. And I mean anything, even working the bins brings in £35-40K where we are!

Teateaandmoretea · 10/09/2023 08:45

Tbh these things always happen to DP. We're surrounded by friends and family whose lives are always succeeding and progressing - we're always fighting fires that seem to be mostly to do with DP, and our situation is on a perpetual downward trend! Maybe this is more what my concern is.

You clearly have a low opinion of him. I don’t think it’s going to work.