To be disappointed by DP's salary cut

[Lemonsugarhigh]

DP lost his job in April (a job he hated) and has been doing nothing since, just living off savings/decent redundancy money. Totally fine, because he needed a break. I wasn't concerned. He applied for several jobs but was rejected at final stage for all of them, and he was becoming disheartened. So he felt compelled to take a job that's MUCH more junior, paying significantly less than he was on before. Less than half his last salary in fact. He's now earning half my salary too. I know it shouldn't but it bothers me. Everyone else moves jobs and gets raises. Even DP's brother who's 8 years younger and doesn't have a single qualification recently got a new job paying more than what DP will be on now. DP doesn't seem bothered.

We were supposed to be trying to buy our first home together, but not financially possible now. Aibu to be disappointed? Should he have held out until he got a better offer?

I can appreciate that you’re worried about your current financial situation but maybe step back and stop comparing your DH negatively to other people? That won’t help his confidence if he knows you think this way.

Most people’s working lives rarely follow a steady uphill trajectory and there can be many kinks in the road and career changes along the way.

Many years ago I changed jobs and went part-time and at a lower pay grade in order to get a foot in the door to another career. It worked out well and I quickly established myself in the new career.

Thankfully, my DP at the time was willing to support me taking that risk but if you feel that he’s not as committed in the way that you are to improving your joint finances, then maybe the relationship needs to come to an end?

you feel disappointed, and I understand that. However on the plus side, he does now have a job. A friend’s brother lost his job years ago and refused to get a job that was lower paid than his last, which was a big mistake. at least he is earning money and laying about at home.
I’ve read your posts and confidence does seem to be an issue with him. Why is that? Maybe he needs to go on a course or counseling to build his confidence up so that he is more likely to get a promotion or a better paying job?

Half what he was on is better than living off savings. As long as he's still actively looking for something else I'd suck it up for now

Hmm - this is a tough one. In some ways I can understand you being disappointed but on the other hand I think you need to accept the character of the person you are in a relationship with (or leave). It's fine to try and help our OHs to be the best version of themselves that they can be, but they have got to want the help, otherwise YABU pushing your ideals onto them. You say he is a content creature and it sounds like you are not. You need to decide whether you are ultimately compatible. A life spent nagging someone to be someone they are not doesn't sound very appealing to me.

Depends how you look at it.....I mean my boss lost his job as a bank manager during the last recession, took a minimum wage, low level job at my place of work to pay the bills. Within 18 months he was running the place.

The situation with money isn't great but it won't be forever, he probably isn't feeling too positive either, now's the time to boost his confidence, not treat his efforts as a disappointment.

People often link ambition to earning capacity because quite often, those two things go hand in hand. However, you can be ambitious without chasing a high-earning job.

Ambitious is wanting a better life for yourself and your loved ones. The OP isn't just earning twice as much as her DP now, she is ambitious about wanting to create a home for them both. A better future.

Her DP doesn't seem to be thinking about buying a property, and in unilaterally deciding to take a low paid job, he doesn't see to be thinking about how much financial pressure that puts on her either. He is not showing signs that he is thinking about wanting a better life for them.

It is the attitude that is getting the OP down, and it's unsurprising she is comparing her DP to others in her life and wanting him lacking. She doesn't deserve all the horrible comments in this thread - she wants someone who, like her, wants to create a better life for their partner.

Ultimately, I don't think this is a one-time loss of confidence. I think the writing has been on the wall for a long time. You cannot change someone to make them feel more ambitious - it's a personality trait. They either have it or they don't. I don't think they are compatible, unfortunately.

Incidentally, in my line of work, it would not be better to take 'any job' following a redundancy. It would make more sense to live off the redundancy and wait out a role at the right level. This is not the case in all lines of work, but it should be noted that OP and her DP have worked together previously, so her insights into what is normal should be accepted. If she thinks he should have waited it out, she's probably right. Why do we have to assume she's wrong?

It doesn't sound to me like you're compatible. I think it's very unkind to be disappointed all the time that your partner doesn't measure up to your expectations. It's different being encouraging and supportive but that's not how you come across at all.

Why don't you find yourself a go-getter? You might find out they're more focused on their career than you but that's the choice you need to make.

I totally get how you feel, but there's a lot of positives in this too.

At least he is in a job. He can get back into the routine of working without huge pressure. If a degree is necessary, then he should get one. Does the company he's joined sponsor people to take degrees? Probably not this year as he's only in the door, and it's likely too late to apply for a p/t degree anyway.

He could look at applying for next year, whether he has to fund it or not. With any luck, he could have moved jobs anyway.

I also think he could benefit from coaching - working on his applications, his interview skills etc etc. Did he get feedback from the posts he didn't get? It's really important to do that. Surely you can help him too? Could he work as a contractor as you did?

Get him on LinkedIn too if you haven't already and build up contacts within the industry. You must both already know people if you've been working in the same field for a number of years.

Talk to him, encourage him - tell him how proud you are of his resilience that he stuck out unemployment and kept trying, and that he didn't just accept something he didn't want to do in his old employment. Talk about plans for the future, buying a house etc and make sure you are both on the same page, otherwise this will cause issues long-term.

Short-term, can you get a higher paying job to fill the gap in household income?

It depends what you mean by disappointed - of course you're disappointed that your plan have to change and that your budget is going to be tight. Totally reasonable.
Blaming your husband for the situation, probably unreasonable and unhelpful. My husband was ina very similar situation about 10 years ago, he worked in IT support and ended up going to university to get a degree in his 40s as every job he got following his original redundancy was lower pay and worse conditions than the one before. Not his fault, just part of the whole industry wide move to outsourcing abroad.

YABU - he was becoming disheartened. Men can get depression when out of work and if I were in your position, I'd be proud of my husband for not being precious about position and salary.

He's back in the workplace, he's earning some money - be pleased for him.

Is he happy? If he hated his last job then redundancy must have been a positive. If you don't like his lack of ambition and feel it's a deal breaker, then find someone who matches you better in terms of career goals.

Yes this is what it sounds like to me. If you think he wont be looking for another job, but just be content to be in this job forever ( nothing wrong with that, apart from how you feel about it). Will you, in the future feel like he is holding you back and not allowing you to have the things you want, like a house? If thats the case, it will only get more and more frustrating. YOu may be happier on your own or with someone who has more get up and go, and he may be happier not being pushed all the time to do a better paid job. If hes not relying on you having a higher salary, he may be more motivated to get a better job.

I can see why you mean so well … my partner got a job during covid so he wouldn’t be without a job to long and is still there now despite being half the wage of his abreviou job , simply because he hates change and hates being told no so he gets very low if he doesn’t get selected . It’s very frustrating as I know he q n do much better

Strictly in answer to your question - YANBU. I'd be disappointed with job loss, job offers not coming through and the household income dropping. However, I put YABU because the tone suggests you are disappointed in him, not at the situation. What would continuing to 'hold out' and burning through redundancy money achieve? What exactly do you want him to do, except what he is, the best he can manage?
You've mentioned you don't think he's good in interviews because he's a quiet, nervous type. He can't press a button and change that, and if he did, there would still still be no guarantee of landing the job. He might potentially do interview training.

My partner quit a job he hated in Jan. I told him repeatedly (and forcefully!) thag he was not taking another job with crappy pay. We waited and it massively paid off. Better job now.

He feels better as a man that he is providing more. He is more confident and feels equal in the relationship.

I would be very disappointed if he took a lower paying job again, especially without an « end goal » in mind such as retraining etc.

So YANBU.

You know this is going to create an unhealthy dynamic in your relationship. It already is because of the way you’re describing him on this thread.

Yes but be careful what you wish for. Then you'll be on here saying your "D"newP is always working, never helps with the kids and it's all very well earning lots of money, but...

The grass isn't always greener.

My DH has never earned particularly well but has had good perks and flexible working. And has never had to bail on an evening out or cancel a holiday.

We also need to get away from the idea that husbands have to earn more than wives. I've nearly always earned more than he has.

I once took a paycut for a job I thought I'd prefer - it didn't really work out because of working patterns, but gave me a springboard into the job I have now, so that might also happen for him.

Oh and it's ridiculous for people to suggest using up all your savings. If he has a job take it and earn money. What on earth would the point be of earning nothing and using up all the savings? It makes no sense whatsoever.

It’s better than no job! He can still look for something better paid. Won’t have gaps on his CV then either.

It would be impossible to buy a home if he wasnt earning anything at all!

Good on him for taking paid employment and not letting his pride get in the way of a lower paid role. It may just be a stopgap whild he continues looking to progress elsewhere.

It sounds like you think you have settled for a second best man - not him settling for a second best job .
You are critical and compare him to others .
Maybe live off your own money rather than trying on him to bankroll you .

Exactly this. I hope you eventually do get to where you want to be.

If he was as good as you say he wouldn't have been made redundant, surely?

Especially since he'd been there eight years.

The job market is funny at the minute. Certain industries have had a fair number of redundancies so the competition for decent jobs is fierce and salaries have actively dipped as a result.

He has had the foresight to get a job, rather than aimlessly hunt for a job he might struggle to get.

Like all other things this depends on your life plan. DH and I prioritised earning well quite early in our careers, in a cheaper city are ready to take the next step with DC. With a nice family home, in a 'ok' area and small mortgage. We have the freedom to decide if one or both of us goes PT, or remain working FT with paid childcare depending on how we (well, mainly I), feel.

Women bear the brunt of pregnancy and childbearing, you really cannot predict the impact it will have on you until it happens. I know a few who had birth injuries/mental impact etc needing quite a while to recover beyond the mat pay period covered by the company. And obviously if you are the main earner you need to go back sooner, you ability to save is reduced by having only one 'good earner'.

Even if I don't work for a few years my higher salary NOW, pre-kids has made all the difference. We certainly couldn't have had all our ducks in a row like this had only one of us made 'decent' money. Neither of us have any family help driving lessons, car, house deposit and our wedding all have been 100% financed out of our joint incomes.

Look at it this way - 2 higher earners, one can always step down later. If there is already a big disparity one of you already has no choice. There is no value judgement on whether or not this is something you choose to accept. I wouldn't, and my DH agrees. OP and her partner don't share the same view, so they need to sort that out.

Btw this would have been impossible in London. You either need to earn loads more or get out. I choose the latter. Maybe OP will have to make a similar choice if she wants to stay with her DP AND get the life she wants. There's plenty of life outside the M25. Just saying.

*one of you has no choice meant to say. and there's no guarantee the lower earner will pick up the slack

He has a job what do u expect him to do sit on benefits untill the perfect job came along getting rejected time and time again have you any idea what that does to a persons self esteem i think u need to grow up and support him he is having a hatd time and you are not helping with your attitude i hope you have not told him of your disappointed that he is not earning enough to keep you in the lifestyle u r used to

It's not a great time to be buying a house right now anyway. Easier to get a job if you're already in employment. I'd back off a bit. Once he gets his confidence back he can try for promotions etc or apply to another firm.