To be disappointed by DP's salary cut

[Lemonsugarhigh]

DP lost his job in April (a job he hated) and has been doing nothing since, just living off savings/decent redundancy money. Totally fine, because he needed a break. I wasn't concerned. He applied for several jobs but was rejected at final stage for all of them, and he was becoming disheartened. So he felt compelled to take a job that's MUCH more junior, paying significantly less than he was on before. Less than half his last salary in fact. He's now earning half my salary too. I know it shouldn't but it bothers me. Everyone else moves jobs and gets raises. Even DP's brother who's 8 years younger and doesn't have a single qualification recently got a new job paying more than what DP will be on now. DP doesn't seem bothered.

We were supposed to be trying to buy our first home together, but not financially possible now. Aibu to be disappointed? Should he have held out until he got a better offer?

YABVU. Not 'everyone else' moves jobs and gets a fraise. Loads and loads of people, especially - unfairly – people over 50, take huge salary cuts post-redundancy.

Your attitude suggests you think he'll stay stuck in low pay forever. He won't. But it's better to be looking for a job from a position of employment than unemployment. And other benefits include: being in the routine of work, learning new skills, making new contacts, bringing money in instead of moping at home, living off savings.

Be proud of him and supportive, whilst clearly showing you think him capable of much more whenever he feels ready to move again.

He got very close with the previous jobs, so maybe his self-confidence will be perked up by having this new experience and he'll be in a stronger mindset for getting a promotion.

THIS.

My comment was to empower OP to strive to reach her full potential and be financially independent from any man.

Your comment on the other hand is just mean and presumably said to just get at me.

You're not being unreasonable to feel a bit flat about it, it's not ideal, but it's much much better for him to be in work. It's easier to get a job while you're working. Also is it a big company? He may be promoted very quickly.
Encourage him to keep applying for things that are his level even though he's got a new role.

I thought this. Doesn't sound like you like him much, actually. Find someone else to buy a house with.

Having read your updates... are you married? If not I would think about your life plan. He doesn't sound like your match. I think you may resent him after much longer.

YABU
Would you rather he lazed around and didn’t work.

I think what he’s done is admirable.

He can still look for a better job now.

Try to look at the wider picture.

Not everyone wants to be an ambitious go-getter. Some people do. Neither is wrong it’s just a question of how compatible those two outlooks are together. It looks like in this relationship they aren’t compatible.

It does sound like you are not compatible. You have more drive and vision than him, and that is fine, but he is different to you.

You need to find somebody the same as you, who you can respect, because otherwise you are just going to resent him for caring more about his happiness than the money.

I don’t agree. Those threads generally go very differently because it’s often the case that the lower-earning partner makes significant contributions in other ways, eg caring for children. I think a man at a similar life stage to the OP, child-free, unmarried, presumably fairly young and saving for their first house, would get very similar responses.

I couln't agree more. Op really does not come across well. I wonder how different the answers would be if a man came on and wrote the exact same OP about his wife.

There’s nothing stopping him looking for another job while he is in a job. At least he is now bringing g something in and it’s probably better for his mental health too.

DP's brother who's 8 years younger and doesn't have a single qualification

Doing what exactly? Normally such things only happen to the middle classes who have lots of contacts to hand them things on a plate in life, or they work in something like sales.

OP I see trouble for the both of you. You seem to be a pretty different person to your OP. He's done the best that he can (higher salary jobs don't usually fall from trees and there are far fewer of them), and he's taken a massive pay cut rather than sit back and be unemployed.

I think you find this occurrence to be a failure within him and that turns you off. You probably quite like high achieving, successful power men, if you were honest. You seem more preoccupied with keeping up with the Joneses and how his fall reflects on your own status of being his partner.

You have to love mumsnet, where the answer seems to be that people need to be getting better paid jobs to solve all of their problems.

It's like an alternative universe where all these high paid jobs are available just waiting for you.

Just there for the taking. Who knew!

There's nothing wrong with prioritising a comfortable, easy life over constantly chasing higher salaries. Not that it even sounds like the OP's partner is a total coaster - he's applied to several jobs at his original salary and been knocked back every time, which is a really shit experience to go through. OP's lack of sympathy for this certainly comes through. Taking a lower-paid job is absolutely the most sensible course of action in that scenario - it keeps him busy and staves off despair, and it doesn't preclude continuing the job search (not necessarily immediately, but when he feels ready).

I suppose there's nothing wrong with chasing higher salaries but if you can't tolerate a partner who isn't maximising their earning potential then you should make that clear before you get into a relationship with them, so they can dodge a bullet. Seems like an exhausting and in my experience ultimately hollow way to live life. The OP comes across as judgmental, preoccupied with keeping up with the Joneses, feels herself to be in competition with family and friends... it's not a way I'd want to live my life.

(And how many people really maximise their earning potential? As my mother never failed to remind me, someone with my academic success could be making megabucks in finance or law if I really wanted. Building a career in the arts and media in the first place was a rejection of my earning potential. That doesn't mean I'm not ambitious or hard-working. But money only constitutes one part of the satisfaction and contentment I want out of my job and my life.)

Come on, this is an area where reversing the sexes isn't actually equivalent, no matter how much everyone in this thread enjoys pretending it is.

I'm as career-woman as they get and even I consciously look for a man who will be able to support me - and feels a drive to do so. OP's goals aren't "handbags", she wants someone who can support his family not just now when it's easy but who will be willing and capable of increasing his salary as his family's needs increase - mortgage, kids, childcare, bigger house, healthcare needs later on... that's completely reasonable. The £30k job after redundancy is reasonable but a red herring - it's the bigger picture that's the problem.

Then she needs to find someone else and let this man live his life if it’s not meeting her requirements.

Agree @willWillSmithsmith :)

If he's been job hunting since April without success, perhaps he was wise to take this role, rather than stay unemployed for too long

There's a risk that his new salary becomes the benchmark and it's hard to regain the previous salary

But if he's talented, maybe he could apply for promotion within his new company?

This is a great example of why OP is being pilloried.

Many many people feel that it is morally bankrupt or ‘hollow’ to be motivated by financial reward.

I think the problem is you strive for progression and want what others have , you come across as jealous of others and disappointed almost ashamed of your DH.Your DH is content with his life , has been fortunate enough to secure a job after several knock backs .
I'm wondering if your comparable in the long term.

Completely this.
Wonen carry more mental load and its harder in the workplace post children vs men. I have been overlooked for promotion twice in the last 2.5 years. If i was the DH in my relationship i know I'd have been promoted at least once.

It is just NOT equivalent.

If the issue is that your household income is now too low are you able to increase your contribution?