To be disappointed by DP's salary cut

[Lemonsugarhigh]

DP lost his job in April (a job he hated) and has been doing nothing since, just living off savings/decent redundancy money. Totally fine, because he needed a break. I wasn't concerned. He applied for several jobs but was rejected at final stage for all of them, and he was becoming disheartened. So he felt compelled to take a job that's MUCH more junior, paying significantly less than he was on before. Less than half his last salary in fact. He's now earning half my salary too. I know it shouldn't but it bothers me. Everyone else moves jobs and gets raises. Even DP's brother who's 8 years younger and doesn't have a single qualification recently got a new job paying more than what DP will be on now. DP doesn't seem bothered.

We were supposed to be trying to buy our first home together, but not financially possible now. Aibu to be disappointed? Should he have held out until he got a better offer?

It is better to have a job than no job agreed!

Bit I kinda get what you’re saying OP. The last time I did similar in a recession (approx 15-16 years ago) I’d been contract temping and retrained and m got a new job in a different industry at a lower salary. I took the lower salary to show keenness and I could afford it but looking back now I should’ve been more savvy and priced myself at the market rate: The boss promised me a payrise but when I was there and asked and deserved one at least twice, it wasn’t forthcoming - my boss would say he’d have to give me to my colleague etc C which he didn’t want to do, plus he liked the power play. then I was bullied (toxic environment) by my colleague and it took more time to leave and get another job which got worse and worse the more it went on and harder to leave, as my confidence was shot to pieces with the bullying. Other recruitment agencies were shocked at my low salary when I told them and tried to leave.

So I’d advise him to keep an eye on his future plans and salary increases. It’s not the be all and end all though.

You need to have a really honest conversation with him about your feelings around this.

If you don’t have kids, that includes considering if you want to stay.

If you do, it still involves him looking for a better job - needing a mortgage is quite a motivation - but you will have to work with him to keep the action up. And perhaps organising the way you run things so he gradually takes on more kids and home stuff as your career goes up.

I have a few friends married to guys like this - on balance it works for them, but it’s a lot of working always being the boss and the enforcer. Think about it that’s what you want.

You don't sound as if you like him very much tbh. Poor bugger.

🙄

The salary is just a symptom here, I think.

It sounds like you would like him to be more driven and career focused. He clearly isn’t motivated by these things. You can’t change this about him and therefore you need to confront some fairly big decisions. Would you be happy to remain the higher earner in your relationship, for example if your partner SAH once you have children (if that is in your plan)? On the other hand, are you likely to start to resent him or lose respect for him if you are carrying the burden of financial provision? None of us can answer this for you but you need to think carefully about whether his goals and motivations are compatible with yours long term.

It's not a pay cut from what he was on because he was unemployed so better to see it as an increase from nothing, seeing as he wasn't earning 60k. He also hated the 60k job so if he's happier in this job, that's an improvement. How it fits into your lifeplans and whether you're on the same page is another matter.

My god, the job market is increasingly tough out there. I say this as someone very qualified in what I do. You should be grateful that he's taken any job to keep in employment than sitting around hoping for something amazing. I know someone who did the same as a junior finance manager but quickly got CFO (her original type of role) as they realised her potential. If you want more, then move onto someone who has the same as you.

I completely agree with this.

It would be different if he hadn’t tried to her a higher paid job but he has and he’s not got anywhere.
Its better to get some money than no money.

I do understand your concerns though but perhaps just change your lifestyle for 12 months and then have a chat about him applying for higher positions so you can get a mortgage.

Its possible he can move up in the new job or it gives him experience in a different area which will hopefully help him get a better job.

I’m also being completely dim here but if you had a combined salary on £120k how could you not get a mortgage?
Even on the £90k you’d surely still be able to get a mortgage?

I understand your frustration, if you’d been working towards buying a house and had a certain lifestyle and that’s been derailed. Hopefully this is a short term thing. If he’s good at his job and capable, his current employer may quickly identify that and he may move up the career ladder again fast? Or he keeps looking at finds another role at the level he previously had. It’s hard at the moment, working is definitely better than waiting for the perfect role.

This! I think this current situation and your feelings about it are probably part of a bigger picture and I’d encourage you to really sit down and figure out whether you two are actually compatible long term or whether it’s just easy.

Ultimately you haven’t got a house or gotten married or had children yet so it’s crunch time. Is fire-fighting something you’re happy to do for the rest of your life or is it time to reconsider the relationship?

For everyone being mean - I can’t actually believe you’re encouraging someone to settle for someone who clearly has different goals. There is nothing wrong with wanting the things she does in a partner and at least she’s being honest about it. We go on and on about not changing for people or expecting people to change. Why should she settle? Does he deserve a life with someone constantly trying to giddy him along?

Like others have said, I think YOU need to make some decisions. My DH is just about to start a job after over a year of knock back after knock back. Prior to this he was the managing director of a business that he had build up. Unfortunately due to not having the pieces of paper needed (side note, you can have a wealth of experience but not having a degree excludes you from many high level positions), he is taking a job at £22.000. I am so proud of him for never giving up trying!

Yes, I have had to go up to working full time and doing further bank shifts, yes my dc have had to come out of many clubs during this time but never was our earning potential the reason we were together. Please don’t think I am being judgemental, I know many of my friends would not stand for this, but for me money was never a consideration to our relationship. And like you- most of the bumps in our mutual road has been due to things happening with him, but if anything it made us stronger.

He has a job - he has managed to overcome redundancy and you say he is content. Isn't it better to be content and happy in your job than push for a higher salary but not be happy ? Maybe he just wants to play safe after the difficulties he has had.

YANBU to be disappointed because of the impact it has on your lives.

YABU about commenting how lots of other people managed to get better paid jobs.

He was made redundant. He struggled to find work and took a job which yes pays less, but pays.

Hiring - I would see what your DH has done as a big positive. Says he’s a grafter. He needed to find a job so he did and is not precious. Says they will roll their sleeves up and get stuck in.

I agree with PP that the wider problem seems to be here that you don’t seem to like or respect your DP that much. Not everyone is ambitious or motivated by money and status and if you’re looking for someone to care about these things it sounds like you might be with the wrong person. Maybe think about how you can set your lives up so you are both able to thrive - for him that might mean less money and a less pressured job- rather than trying to push him into a mold he doesn’t seem to fit.

It’s disappointing (but not surprising) to see the OP berated or called materialistic. If more people were honest about their values and motivations, and the extent to which they want these to be reflected in their partner, it would save a lot of heartache further down the line. These are fundamental issues of compatibility. Much better to tackle them before they have significant shared assets or children.

Maybe your values are just too different to work in the long term. He is easily content, not particularly ambitious and likes a fairly simple life. You are ambitious and see a career path regularly going upwards (along with salary). Unless these two different outlooks complement the relationship dynamic rather than clash then there probably isn’t much of a happy future in it for either of you. Sometimes the head has to lead the heart.

Why haven you bothered to get a better paying job to make up the shortfall?

From what you have said here you do not appear to be on the same page financially. He is content to coast for an easy life and you want to buy a property etc.

As PPs say, it’s easier to get a job when you’re already in a job.

Has he had feedback on his unsuccessful interviews? It could be that there’s some underlying issue that means he’s interviewed for, but not offered jobs.

I am thinking the OP needs to have a chat with her DP about what they both want but this is just a mean suggestion and presumably said purely to get at the OP.

Keep the new job for income, still look for a new job maybe?

My DB (works in film and tv) and his DW (SIL) are like this. He’s freelance but has lots of work mostly and she has a higher paid permanent job. However, if he doesn’t work or earns less then she does pick up the slack financially. However this also means he helps out with childcare and is a great house husband. But it takes compromise and work.

Although different salary relationships can work it depends on a lot including working patterns etc. Personally, I’ve always been happier especially as I’ve got older with men who earn the same or more than me. Only because some men if they see you with your own property and a job think you’re loaded!

OP, definitely food for thought here, but if no DC and unmarried I’d be tempted to find someone on the same page to you if that is what’s important to you, going forward.

I agree.
why don’t you look for a better paying job op if it’s your ambition (not his) to have a higher standard of leaving ?

But she says he’s happy coasting in jobs and earns less than his previous job. Nothing wrong with both of those but you need a frank discussion if it’s bothering you like it is OP.

I think YABU although I understand your frustration. Far better for him to get back on the job ladder than coast waiting for something perfect to drop into his lap.

Others are also correct that you seem disappointed in him at a personal level and you suggest you think he’s holding you back.

I’m going to suggest to you that there are some unexpected benefits to being a female breadwinner; you can buy on your own without him.

You don’t have to marry him for security and can leave whenever you like.
Youre not dependent on his earning/borrowing power to get a mortgage
If you have kids with him there will be a far greater impetus on him to do more of the caring and domestic responsibilities

I think there’s a lot of upside. I would hate to be dependent on someone else’s higher income.