To be disappointed by DP's salary cut

[Lemonsugarhigh]

DP lost his job in April (a job he hated) and has been doing nothing since, just living off savings/decent redundancy money. Totally fine, because he needed a break. I wasn't concerned. He applied for several jobs but was rejected at final stage for all of them, and he was becoming disheartened. So he felt compelled to take a job that's MUCH more junior, paying significantly less than he was on before. Less than half his last salary in fact. He's now earning half my salary too. I know it shouldn't but it bothers me. Everyone else moves jobs and gets raises. Even DP's brother who's 8 years younger and doesn't have a single qualification recently got a new job paying more than what DP will be on now. DP doesn't seem bothered.

We were supposed to be trying to buy our first home together, but not financially possible now. Aibu to be disappointed? Should he have held out until he got a better offer?

My DH took a big pay cut following redundancy just to get back to work. It stung at the time but long term it was the right decision as he's still there 10yrs later and after moving up and being trained in house he's earning double.

I think the issue here isn't the immediate job, he needed to take what he could, but the fact you know he lacks the confidence and ambition to progress further. I would struggle with that too. If it was a career he loved that fulfilled him, and we chatted it through, and were happy we could cope financially that would be a different story. But it doesn't sound like you've really chatted through the ramifications and next steps? Something will have to give, a lifestyle adjustment, but sounds like the expectation is on you to deal with that?

You need to talk to him. You need to know what his plans are, so you can work it out together.

Just leave him OP and let him find someone less grasping who actually appreciates him for himself and not just £££. Focus on earning the money you want yourself instead of relying on a man. You aren’t well suited and he deserves better.

Sure

Yes totally agree it's better to have a job than no job. He's a very content creature of habit though. And lacks confidence. He'll start this job and will never leave if it's easygoing. Will never push for a raise if he's due one. He'll be on this salary for years. I'm happy in my job, have been there 2 years in October but I'm constantly thinking about how I increase my salary next, and planning training etc.

DP was at his old workplace for 8 years. Underpaid and undervalued for the last 3 years or so. But for the money he was comfortable there, he had friends there, worked good hours, it was straightforward basically. Then they restructured and laid off his entire team.

I think you and DH are different people, OP. You're a go-getter whose eye is always on what's next (bigger and better) and he's about security and comfort right now. He also probably feels awkward and uncomfortable asking for raises - I know I do!

If you have both agreed that you need to save "xxxxxx" amount for a house deposit and he said he was able to but that would necessitate him asking for raises, applying for higher paid jobs, YANBU. But if you have not had these discussions then I think you might be unreasonable.

I think you also need to give your DH the benefit of the doubt - it sounds like he had a horrible job previously, he's managed to get himself back to work in a job and that's half the battle to getting on track.

Good for him for having the gumption to take what he can do he has an income.

This.

Sorry you can't get your Gucci handbags. Your post comes across as selfish and embarrassed rather than supportive for your husband. He's trying. So many people would just pack it in, but he would rather push through this setback.

Try feeling bad for him rather than yourself.

Disappointed yes. However, you need to help by supporting him emotionally. Men are really insecure in these situations. You will find that believing in him would help a lot. Do not criticise or make him feel inadequate. This would have a negative effect on him. Patience and understanding for now.

This makes you seem snobby and judgemental as well as jealous. Not a good look.

Your post is talking about a cut, that he lost his job. Blaming him. In reality he was made redundant. Not his fault at all. If an industry is making redundancies it is changing. It's clearly not the comfortable world it used to be. Again, not his fault.

Your attitude to your relationship and your partner are frankly awful. I hope he sees this and makes a move to a life where he feels worthy and valued. Before you grind him down completely.

@Lemonsugarhigh "We're surrounded by friends and family whose lives are always succeeding and progressing - we're always fighting fires"

You have to remember that what you see from the outside is not necessarily what is real. People portray what they want you to see..... A lot are living beyond their means. Plus they are not going to tell you all the 'fires' they are fighting and show you all the cracks and bad aspects of their lives.

Also you say 'he has no confidence' and he hated the previous job. Perhaps that is where you start, getting him help to build his confidence - Someone with no confidence is not going to impress in an interview. Perhaps he needs to see a therapist or you could do some motivation training with him to help build his confidence? If you clearly recognise that he has no confidence there is a deeper problem than having a lower paid job, perhaps* *you need to try and help him with. Then perhaps things will improve.

I would hate to think of my partner having no confidence and me not helping him in every way I could.....

Is he happier in his new job?

It sounds like your disappointment stems from who your DH is, rather than taking a lower paid job tbh. That’s just the symptom of the issue
Have you always had such different goals and hope for your future lives or is this a new thing? There’s nothing wrong with being driven but equally there’s no shame in his approach either.
You can’t make him someone he is not

I don’t think you’re compatible @Lemonsugarhigh.

Aibu to be disappointed? Should he have held out until he got a better offer?

Probably. Then in a few months time you could have come on here and complained about how he's so workshy and hasn't got a job even when one was offered.

It certainly sounds like he isn't serving the function that you wanted him in your life for. Isn't it time you ditched him for someone who will?

She wants Gucci handbags?

What on earth? She wants to pay the mortgage not buy a handbag

It's interesting that you have an issue with his salary but he doesn't

Yes totally agree it's better to have a job than no job.

so why do you think "he should have held out for a better offer" given he's been rejected several times already?

It certainly doesn't seem as though you are.

What are the qualities in him that make you love him, admire him, be proud of him? Is there anything about the man he is that makes you feel you want to go into a shared future together?

If you're ashamed of him perhaps you need to look for a partner more aligned to your ambition and mindset.

I've taken a 50% pay cut once from a job I hated (solicitor in the City) to one I thought I'd enjoy (lecturing at a university). At the end, I only lasted 1 year as I absolutely hated being constantly broke, went back to private practice and now I earn 50K more than I originally did. Taking a significant pay cut doesn't mean it has to be forever.

My husband earns half my salary but he had to take a drop as his mental health was being damaged. I could think 'why isn't he stronger' but that's the way it is and thankfully my salary has meant he can do that. It's either a partnership or it's not.

They had a life plan! That’s now out of the window because he’s set his sights lower, presumably without discussion about the strategy. If he was getting interviews and failing at the last hurdle repeatedly he needed to address that. Taking a permanent job in the same field so much lower than his previous job is not a good idea, a fixed term contract that was obviously a stopgap would have been a better plan.

@pompomdaisy but how did that situation come about, did you talk it through together, come to an agreement?

I have read your other comments. I agreed with posters that he is not as driven as you wish him to be. If you have not kids yet may be think about divorce. This current situation probably will not changed and will frustrate both of you. Also, it may affect him mentally never being good enough for you. Only you know what really goes on and what is better for you both.

You don't sound compatible.