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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be disappointed by DP's salary cut

257 replies

Lemonsugarhigh · 10/09/2023 07:17

DP lost his job in April (a job he hated) and has been doing nothing since, just living off savings/decent redundancy money. Totally fine, because he needed a break. I wasn't concerned. He applied for several jobs but was rejected at final stage for all of them, and he was becoming disheartened. So he felt compelled to take a job that's MUCH more junior, paying significantly less than he was on before. Less than half his last salary in fact. He's now earning half my salary too. I know it shouldn't but it bothers me. Everyone else moves jobs and gets raises. Even DP's brother who's 8 years younger and doesn't have a single qualification recently got a new job paying more than what DP will be on now. DP doesn't seem bothered.

We were supposed to be trying to buy our first home together, but not financially possible now. Aibu to be disappointed? Should he have held out until he got a better offer?

OP posts:
WombatBombat · 10/09/2023 08:46

Let him build his confidence back up. If you are in similar roles and industry, share your experience.

Is there any reason why you can’t see this as an opportunity for you to push on and earn more? Longer term that will serve you well regardless of if you stay together or not.

Clymene · 10/09/2023 08:47

He's not the man for you. You want a man who is ambitious and won't settle and this isn't who he is

neverbeenskiing · 10/09/2023 08:48

Lemonsugarhigh · 10/09/2023 08:04

@Totalwasteofpaper
Yes he was earning £60k and is now on £30k. We live just outside London so it is problematic. No, we're not on the breadline thankfully, but having to reconsider our (not very extravagant anyway) lifestyle and all our plans. Tbh these things always happen to DP. We're surrounded by friends and family whose lives are always succeeding and progressing - we're always fighting fires that seem to be mostly to do with DP, and our situation is on a perpetual downward trend! Maybe this is more what my concern is.

This is really sad actually. It reads like you're jealous of all these high flyers around you and you've decided that your DP is the weak link holding you back from the wealth and social status you think you deserve. You sound ashamed of him, and I would be very surprised if he hasn't picked up on it.

My DH earns 4 times what I earn. I'd be heartbroken if he talked about me like this.

LovesJaffaCakes · 10/09/2023 08:50

The more important issue is he appears to lack confidence and set his sights too low. This may have been the issue with his interviews- poor presentation skills/ communication. If he wants to earn more, he might want to consider some support in interview skills (ie a career coach maybe or a psychologist who works on confidence.)

It's better to have a job than no job, because being out of work for almost 6 months starts to raise eyebrows from potential employers, if he's in a career where there are plenty of opportunities.

I'm assuming you are in the UK? Just that you are referring to a 'raise' (salary increase) rather than a 'rise'. Raise is the US term.

YABU to feel miffed he earns half of what he did, but maybe you can work with him more on his attitude and his lack of confidence?

ActDottie · 10/09/2023 08:52

Yabu

would you rather he spent a year unemployed looking for this job? He’s got another job in reasonable time.

I imagine being made redundant also knocked his confidence a bit as does being out of work so it’s great he’s got another job.

LovesJaffaCakes · 10/09/2023 08:53

Reading your update on where you live and his salary, I agree with other posters that you sound ashamed of him and not exactly supportive. If he was made redundant, there would be a reason (was it his performance or the company closing ?)

It's probably knocked his confidence even more.

How long have you been together? TBH your relationship doesn't sound on the best footing to be thinking of buying a house. You seem to dislike who he is.

Scottishskifun · 10/09/2023 08:54

Its fine for you to be ambitious OP but that's clearly not your DP. If you want someone career driven then it sounds like you need someone else.
I wouldn't say being career driven is the be all and end all of blokes my DH is what your DP will be on in a professional role I am more content that he is happy in his job. As long as we can afford the bills what does it matter?

It's also easier to find a job when in a job and it clearly sounds like he needs it for his mental health. Let him settle in then let him decide if he wishes to find something further up. By the sounds of it he might enjoy having a break for a bit. Redundancy really takes its toll on someone

BrawnWild · 10/09/2023 08:54

It does sound like he is happy to coast through life and let you pick up the slack.

Not a good prospect for marriage, buying a house or kids.

I think you've realised that if you had a house together how much responsibility would fall to you if/when the next fire happens and you're financially tied to him.

Castleview6 · 10/09/2023 08:55

You’re entitled to feel how you feel. But you come across as a bit focussed on money and status. Your comment about his ‘unqualified brother’ is just rude and snobby - he obviously as skills that an employer wants to pay more than your DP is now getting.

if money, status and drive is so important to you (nothing wrong with that) it does sound like DP may not be the person for you as he seems to have different priorities.

Pipsquiggle · 10/09/2023 08:56

Is this really about the money or about his apparent lack of drive / ambition?

You need to be really clear on this. Taking a lower salary is ok in the short term as long as he still has drive to do better.

Personally, I find a lack of ambition deeply unappealing

mosiacmaker · 10/09/2023 08:57

I think it’s totally okay to want a DP who is ambitious and really committed to building a very financially comfortable life for the both of you. I don’t think it’s reasonable to try to change your current DP into that person though. But you’re not married and don’t have kids so it’s okay to grow as a person and reassess what you want and value. Lots of women have justifiable material expectations about life partners, want someone who can support them and a family and support them if they wanted to be a SAHP for a time etc. That’s totally ok.

Doris86 · 10/09/2023 08:58

50% of his old salary is better than 0% of his old salary. It helps pay the bills for now, and nothing to stop him continuing to look for a better job while he works.

determinedtomakethiswork · 10/09/2023 08:58

Maybe this isn't the guy for you? He seems to lack ambition and give up on things quite easily. The fact he stayed in a job he didn't like for so long is worrying. And obviously the most important thing is to get a new job and he's done that but he is going to really struggle to get back to his previous salary now. That means that the weight of earning is on you as I assume he will not want to give up, the lifestyle he is accustomed to.

babbscrabbs · 10/09/2023 08:58

Lemonsugarhigh · 10/09/2023 08:04

@Totalwasteofpaper
Yes he was earning £60k and is now on £30k. We live just outside London so it is problematic. No, we're not on the breadline thankfully, but having to reconsider our (not very extravagant anyway) lifestyle and all our plans. Tbh these things always happen to DP. We're surrounded by friends and family whose lives are always succeeding and progressing - we're always fighting fires that seem to be mostly to do with DP, and our situation is on a perpetual downward trend! Maybe this is more what my concern is.

What's your mortgage?

babbscrabbs · 10/09/2023 08:58

Sorry I meant rent?

TooOldForThisNonsense · 10/09/2023 08:59

IncompleteSenten · 10/09/2023 07:27

Yabu.
Half is better than none and the bigger the gap on your CV the harder it is to get back into work.

This

you sound awful OP.

he can always move jobs again you know. You wouldn’t be able to have bought a house on no salary either. He was applying for jobs and didn’t get them. What else can he do?

Although I think he should tread carefully and think twice about buying a house with someone who sees him as nothing but a walking wallet.

you can always get a better paid job yourself

LovesJaffaCakes · 10/09/2023 09:00

How old are you both?

If you're both 20s, it's possible he will mature and his career will take off a little.

If you're in your 30s, has he any career plans?

Is he the sort of person who just wants a job, not a career?

If you earn £60K you are a relatively high earner. Are you wanting a partner who can match you? Have you spoken to him and talked about what he wants from his work?

It comes across as if you are two very different people who want different things.
A combined income of £90K isn't going to get you much of a house or flat if you live on the outskirts of London. Do you have children or are planning to? What's the long term goal?

LovesJaffaCakes · 10/09/2023 09:01

What's your mortgage?

**We were supposed to be trying to buy our first home together, but not financially possible now.

TooOldForThisNonsense · 10/09/2023 09:02

Typical MN double standards in the replies. If this had been a post about a woman taking a lower paid job and her man being unhappy the man would have had his arse handed to him.

Scottishskifun · 10/09/2023 09:02

BrawnWild · 10/09/2023 08:54

It does sound like he is happy to coast through life and let you pick up the slack.

Not a good prospect for marriage, buying a house or kids.

I think you've realised that if you had a house together how much responsibility would fall to you if/when the next fire happens and you're financially tied to him.

What a bizarre summary a coaster doesn't mean they are bad at other aspects of life!
My DH is a coaster in work but the best and most patient dad I know and its him that is up with the kids from 6am because he wants to be!
It doesn't translate that laid back and not career driven means they don't do anything and we are homeowners it's within our means rather then being a huge house with a huge mortgage!

fairyfluf · 10/09/2023 09:03

It will look far better to a future employer that he took a job. Is he still looking for a better paid job?

fairyfluf · 10/09/2023 09:04

TooOldForThisNonsense · 10/09/2023 09:02

Typical MN double standards in the replies. If this had been a post about a woman taking a lower paid job and her man being unhappy the man would have had his arse handed to him.

Not by me.

ConnieTucker · 10/09/2023 09:05

Yes totally agree it's better to have a job than no job. He's a very content creature of habit though. And lacks confidence. He'll start this job and will never leave if it's easygoing. Will never push for a raise if he's due one. He'll be on this salary for years.

this is the problem. This will be a long term problem. You will always be the one having to take the lead.

if youre hapoy with that, and he is an equal adult in the home and doesnt need any childlike prompting re: jousework and child rearing, fine. That’s who he is. But if that will ultimately create resentment, move on before you have children, a mortgage and marriage.

crumblingschools · 10/09/2023 09:05

Some people aren’t career driven or have the confidence to be. DH and I have the same professional qualification. Were on similar salaries for a while, but then DH kept getting promotions whilst I stayed at the same level. But I had never seen myself at Board level and liked my role.

When DC came along I was the one who went part-time and then SAHM.

If DH had expected me to be on the same salary as him then our relationship would never have worked. We have obviously benefited from his much higher salary but not sure DC would have benefited from having 2 high flyer parents and even DH took a job in a more family friendly role to be able to spend time with DC rather than the 70 hour a week role he had been doing.

ConnieTucker · 10/09/2023 09:08

TooOldForThisNonsense · 10/09/2023 09:02

Typical MN double standards in the replies. If this had been a post about a woman taking a lower paid job and her man being unhappy the man would have had his arse handed to him.

Typically the woman takes a lower paid job because of everything else she has to do, in relation to the home and children. Something has to give.

Honestly, it sounds like sheer stupidity and sexism every time someone spouts reverse sexism. Like they just refuse to acknowledge that it is women who face sexism and women who are still doing the bulk of everything else.