This is straw that broke camel's back. Aibu?

[Meltingbrie]

Hi all, my dh has spent years berating me about a flaw I have. One that I really wish I didn't have but have, namely I have mental health issues that mean I can only work part-time.

He has zero sympathy for this and always goes on about how I don't work. It's like a stick to beat me with.
He is constantly critical in other areas, too.

Stressing that to not work is an absolute sin and that people who don't work should be left to starve. Unless raising children or disabled etc.

Basically how he sees work as essential.

Now please, I am not here to argue about that, not here to argue about whether he is right or wrong.
It's NOT the point.

During an argument last night, he brought up a past relationship I had with an ex-boyfriend that broke up with me and said, and I quote, 'he couldn' t put up with you. '

I was flabbergasted as at the point me and my ex broke up I WAS in a good job while my then ex was long-term unemployed and a real slacker!!

So the thing that my dh has spent years berating me for, this dreadful flaw (according to him) of being (under) unemployed, I didn't have but my ex did, yet I was still the one being worthy of dumped, the 'worthless' one.

I am so upset about this.

That and the fact that he has implied that WHATEVER relationship I was in I must have been the one that was the less 'valuable' one. The one who was worthy of being tossed aside.

I fucking hate him.
Truly I do.

But I have no idea whether iabu or not.

Incidentally, I lost my confidence and ability to work during our relationship.

Please comment. I'm so upset.

You sound completely beaten down.
The only way is up if you get rid of this fking tosser.

It was a valid question.

Lots of women worry about the financial aspect when separating.

It was one of the main reasons my own mum stayed in an abusive relationship as she thought she’d be forced to get a FT job as well as raise 3 kids in a rural area.

I can imagine someone who can only work PT would worry about this more than most.

You trying to create a scenario that isn’t there isn’t helping anyone, especially OP.

Stop trying to derail the thread and either try and support OP or get off of it.

I think your mental health will improve if you get rid of him and meet someone who values you as a person.

@GoryBory we can all see what you implied. Now trying to backtrack and make out you're being supportive! - mmmm

Of course it's important to know what lies behind OP's anxiety. The reasons behind her current anxieties which she states have been magnified by her DH will very possibly follow her for her future relationships unless she faces them and deals with them. In order to do that she has to know exactly what DH has said or done that has triggered these anxieties. Are they things only specific to a nasty DH or are they other things that would try the patience of most people which is a whole different story. So those who are requesting more info in order to offer help are right on the button.

Also the questions enquiring whether the Op is frightened of having to provide for herself, or of having responsibilities for herself are absolutely valid questions. They are the uncomfortable questions that we all have to deal with when entering the adult world. Any intelligent person would realise that and not consider a helpful response to OP's original dilema would be to just call her DH a shite or a twat. What a totally juvenile and unhelpful response.

There could be multiple reasons why op doesn't feel able to LTB , ranging from the effects of being an abused woman to possible cultural reasons where it Could be deemed as unacceptable.

Of course we should and are offering support but it is not realistic to believe that this alone will solve her problem, and the answer is not to demonise those who are able to see a bit deeper into the situation and ask for some background in order to try to offer realistic suggestions.

I don't know why you are so focused on that one comment yet don't seem to see that your entire present relationship is the elephant in the room.

What exactly was Implying?

Which of my questions do you have a problem with and why?

Why are my questions any different to anyone else’s questions?

Thanks guys, I think most mean well, the only poster who's irritated me a bit is the one who suggested dh was the main earner, actually in spite of his much stated genius, he has a waged not salaried job that requires no qualifications and earns far less than I did.

Nowt wrong with that at all, however, I do resent the implication that I'd found a man to support me and thought, fuck it I will quit work.

I'm trying to be calm, no point arguing, but I am going to move out.

It seems like such a trivial comment but it took that to make me see through the bullshit.
Because what with work being the be all and end all you'd think that he'd say I'd had a lucky escape from my workshy slacker ex when I had a good job but, no, HE couldn't put up with ME.

Christ, I'm angry about this.

Even if I got back on my feet work wise, he'd only berate me for something else. Because everything is my fault.

The chest of drawers I use is bursting to the seams and about to break as the one he uses is literally crammed full of only t-shirts and tops. Yet it is my fault this has happened.
Little things like that all the time.

I've family, who he naturally criticises of course, I'm not that downtrodden in that I'll let the cunt stop me seeing them, who'll help me as they can't stand him either. My perceptive dad knew what he was about straight away. But what could he do? I thought dh was OK.

@dogmandu

Thank you.

Other posters have also asked questions or given their experiences of why they were scared, so I’m not sure why some posters have an issue with my questions.
I must have triggered them in some way.

If someone started a thread saying they feel unwell posters would ask why they are feeling unwell.

If they weren’t sure then posters would start asking if they feel sick, have a temperature, feel dizzy etc.

OP this relationship isn’t going to get better.

Ending things are difficult but you’ll look back and be so thankful you did.

Can you pack your stuff and move in with your dad, @Meltingbrie ? Really good to hear you have a supportive and perceptive parent.

Other posters have also asked questions or given their experiences of why they were scared, so I’m not sure why some posters have an issue with my questions.
I must have triggered them in some way.

I sometimes wonder if these are people that don't think for themselves. They like to be part of the 'in crowd' as they see it and sprinkle a few 'twats' and 'shites 'around without any thought to far reaching consequences for those affected by their hasty and casual advice.

My family will let me move in for a while and I've a good friend who'll help.
I am so so glad I never had children with this bastard, they'd either be worshipped, or he'd crap all over them emotionally like he does me.

@Meltingbrie I'm glad you've made the decision to leave. I suggest you say nothing for now and take some legal advice. Get your ducks in a row x

This "straw" is a side issue.
You are married to a truly unpleasant person. You do not have to be. So don't.

Before you diagnose yourself with mental health issues, make sure you're not surrounded by arseholes......

Do you think staying with him will improve things for you??

you have got to save your own life here. Do it , you will cope. You will.

you coped many many years without a man and also held down a full time job.
These men have hurt you and damaged your confidence but not your worth.

I saw a video recently, a teacher came in and offered £20 note to the class and asked if anyone wanted it. They all did.
Then he crunched it up and said ‘does anyone still want this’
they did.
then he stamped on it with his foot and said ‘does anyone still want this now’
and they did.

he held up the money and said ‘this is you, not matter what happens in your life, you are still worth the same. Your worth never changes no matter what happens.’

you are worth something. You can leave. You can.