This is straw that broke camel's back. Aibu?

[Meltingbrie]

Hi all, my dh has spent years berating me about a flaw I have. One that I really wish I didn't have but have, namely I have mental health issues that mean I can only work part-time.

He has zero sympathy for this and always goes on about how I don't work. It's like a stick to beat me with.
He is constantly critical in other areas, too.

Stressing that to not work is an absolute sin and that people who don't work should be left to starve. Unless raising children or disabled etc.

Basically how he sees work as essential.

Now please, I am not here to argue about that, not here to argue about whether he is right or wrong.
It's NOT the point.

During an argument last night, he brought up a past relationship I had with an ex-boyfriend that broke up with me and said, and I quote, 'he couldn' t put up with you. '

I was flabbergasted as at the point me and my ex broke up I WAS in a good job while my then ex was long-term unemployed and a real slacker!!

So the thing that my dh has spent years berating me for, this dreadful flaw (according to him) of being (under) unemployed, I didn't have but my ex did, yet I was still the one being worthy of dumped, the 'worthless' one.

I am so upset about this.

That and the fact that he has implied that WHATEVER relationship I was in I must have been the one that was the less 'valuable' one. The one who was worthy of being tossed aside.

I fucking hate him.
Truly I do.

But I have no idea whether iabu or not.

Incidentally, I lost my confidence and ability to work during our relationship.

Please comment. I'm so upset.

This is horrible, awful abuse aimed at destroying your mental health even more.
Its not easy to leave , it’s always easy to hope it will get better, put up with the misery of abuse today because it might be less awful tomorrow.
But you don’t have to live with him. There is always away out, it’s not always easy, you can’t always see it but there is away out.
Talk to someone in real life, your GP, a nurse, Women’s Aid. Once you speak to someone it becomes easier to see a plan to leave. I speak from experience.
And the feeling when you’re free if that mental abuse is amazing.

I totally understand staying out of fear, I did it for years because I was scared of living alone, as in scared at night, scared at every noise etc.

What have you lost confidence in? What do you think you can’t manage? The housework? Or being scared like me?

Would be good to understand what specifically is worrying you.

You haven’t lost your confidence, HE has eroded it. This narrative of you’re useless, your ex couldn’t put up with you, it’s part of his game. He’s abusive. Look at women’s aid, get some help. I would bet my savings on the fact that if you left, in several months time you would realise HE is the cause of your mental health issues.

You can do it, you just need to stop listening to him. Stop letting him control the narrative in your head and change.

I’m not doing any such thing.

Shes posted on here for advice but without being specific no one can give her advice.

Posters have asked why she doesn’t leave and she’s said she’s scared, so she needs to figure out what she’s scared of so we can offer specific advice.

Get out asap. It will be the best decision you’ve ever made. No one deserves to be treated like this.
Good luck op

It seems like you want to rant and that's fine but bloody hell grow a backbone and leave him. Why let someone else take your confidence away. He sounds like a pig and you deserve better.

Remember if you keep on doing what you've always done you'll keep on getting what you've always got.

Are you worried that you’ll have to get a FT job?

You know exactly what you were doing with this line as @HorseyHorsham said. You’re not concerned you wanted to stick the boot in.

mental health struggles are disabling. To the point that mental health can be seen as a disability. He’s being a bit of a wanker.

You sound so sad and ground down. I was in a similar situation many decades ago and my lightbulb moment was watching a program about small children who had been abused being taught to say no. And I thought if they can do it then I can too.
Can you afford some private counselling so you have one person to talk to that you can trust? It would be a quiet way to find your way to the light at the end of a tunnel.
You can do it too.

My exH did this to me. It is textbook abuse. Seek help from Women's Aid. It really helped me understand and gain perspective.

You are not useless, he just makes you feel this way to control you. I spent years of my marriage on medication for depression and anxiety.

Divorce finalised last year (took forever due to his delaying tactics) and I've never been happier. No more meds, anxiety or depression. Take that first step to a better life, get the help and support you need. You can do it, I did.

OP can you tell us what you feel you couldn't cope with?
There are people and organisations that can help you.
PLEASE don't let this be your story for the rest of your life.

You've lost confidence in yourself BECAUSE of him.

I bet your MH issues would improve without him around too.

I really hope you find a way to leave him soon, you are worth so much more.

Do you have someone in real life that you can talk to about this? It sounds like this abusive arsehole has ground all of your confidence out of you and is causing so much damage to your mental health.

It’s a terrifying thought just to uproot your life and start again, but for your own mental health, I think you need to. You did used to work so your confidence must be deep down in you somewhere, so can you think about how you used to feel and channel that inner strength?

thank you

@HaddawayAndShite

Stop projecting. I was doing nothing of the sort.

I also asked if he was violent or if she was afraid of being on her own.
Are they ok or are they also sticking the boot in?

Asking if she’s worried she needs to get a FT job is a legitimate concern if she’s worrying that she can’t pay the bills etc.

OP has said she’s scared but not what of.
But without knowing what it is then we cannot give advice.

Its all well and good saying just leave him but that’s not actually helping as she’s obviously not going to do that whilst she’s still scared about something.

If she’s scared she’ll be forced to get a FT job then we can give her advice on benefits etc depending on her circumstances and lessen that worry.

If she’s scared about something else then we can try and suggest other things.

Me asking her questions is not sticking the boot in it’s just putting the things she’s not afraid of to one side to try and find out the actual fear and come up with a solution to it.

Are you having a laugh?

“Like what is it exactly”

Why do you need to know exactly? Is it so that you can mock and rubbish her. You have no intention of giving her any support or advice. We can all see the abuser a trap you’re trying to lay - “tell me, so that I can weaponise it”

”are you worried you’ll have ti get a FT job”
honestly, you can practically hear the sneers from here. Just give it a rest.

Opinions are like arseholes - everybody’s got one. His is no more relevant than yours.

He can say what he likes about you. You don’t have to believe him.

This.

Also wanted to add, you didn't get into, and perhaps couldn't have predicted this situation overnight.
So take things step by step. Talk to your GP, a therpist, a friend/family member, womens aid, citizen's advice, anyone in real life who can offer some constructive help. Maybe even a break of some sort so that you can assess your feelings. Think of some things that you could do, however small, to help yourself feel better - even if its just thinking how you would like things to be in a year's time and build your plans from there. I'm sure there will be lots of good ideas of where to get help on this thread/board

Also, I know you are feeling down, but I think that most people asking questions are trying to think of ways to help, and are sort of saying that its unfair you should have to put up with having your self esteem eroded.
I hope you find some support here. The fact that you are thinking about it and reaching out is a good step.

“Incidentally, I lost my confidence and ability to work during our relationship.”
Does he know this? Feels like he’s done this on purpose, grind you down, it’s what abusers do.

Sorry to state the obvious by please do not spend one more minute with someone who has been berating you for years.

women’s aid has an online chat.
right of woman is a good website for legal advice.

OP you shuold focus on exactly that. Building yourself up enough to either leave or demand better treatment. There are places with free support to help you try and do this.

Its not easy BUT it is your life and you are the only one that can break this cycle. With the support of professionals.

Maybe try:

Womens aid
mind
Your GP
Victim support
citzens advice

WTAF?!

You think I’m sneering - you’ve literally just made up an entire story in your head!

Multiple posters have asked her what it is specifically.
A couple have asked specific questions asking is it this or that.

The fact that you’ve picked up on mine for asking similar questions to other posters is really odd.
But I guess some posters just always have to find someone to troll and I guess I’m the lucky one on this thread.

There have been hundreds of threads over the years about women being scared to leave.
Sometimes it is because they’re DP is violent, sometimes it’s because they’re worried financially and sometimes it’s because they’re afraid of being on their own like a PP said.

If someone can only work PT due to an illness it is very likely that they’ve thought and worried about the financial aspect (especially when in an abusive relationship and they’ve probably been told this multiple times).
Me asking if this is the fear is a very valid question.

If you don’t understand that some people may worry about leaving someone for financial reasons then you obviously haven’t had a lot of experience with it.

Instead of jumping on posters trying to help and derailing the thread then perhaps you could offer the OP some advice considering you think us asking questions is wrong and you obviously have much better advice that will help her more.

He's an abusive prick. He's chipping away at your self esteem. Leave him and ficus on improving your health. You'll feel better once you ditch the dead weight.

at some point I expect you will find the strength to leave him and I will say that you will cope. Because coping alone will be easier than coping with him treating you like this. Until then I would suggest Women's Aid and the Freedom Programme and maybe some counselling to help with your self esteem.

Until such time, you are brave and strong and his behaviour is a reflection on him. He is a horrid man and none of this is your fault. I would actually expect your mental health to improve immeasurably once you are no longer with him.

GoryBory, why don’t you look at the answer OP gave to your supposedly genuine question and ask yourself what it is about it that leads her to believe some posters aren’t on her side.

“If someone can only work PT due to an illness it is very likely that they’ve thought and worried about the financial aspect (especially when in an abusive relationship and they’ve probably been told this multiple times).
Me asking if this is the fear is a very valid question.”
.. and at the same time “Are you afraid you’ll have to get a FT job?” has created hostility and mistrust- even if you think those two questions are the same they aren’t.