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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

This is straw that broke camel's back. Aibu?

192 replies

Meltingbrie · 10/09/2023 07:09

Hi all, my dh has spent years berating me about a flaw I have. One that I really wish I didn't have but have, namely I have mental health issues that mean I can only work part-time.

He has zero sympathy for this and always goes on about how I don't work. It's like a stick to beat me with.
He is constantly critical in other areas, too.

Stressing that to not work is an absolute sin and that people who don't work should be left to starve. Unless raising children or disabled etc.

Basically how he sees work as essential.

Now please, I am not here to argue about that, not here to argue about whether he is right or wrong.
It's NOT the point.

During an argument last night, he brought up a past relationship I had with an ex-boyfriend that broke up with me and said, and I quote, 'he couldn' t put up with you. '

I was flabbergasted as at the point me and my ex broke up I WAS in a good job while my then ex was long-term unemployed and a real slacker!!

So the thing that my dh has spent years berating me for, this dreadful flaw (according to him) of being (under) unemployed, I didn't have but my ex did, yet I was still the one being worthy of dumped, the 'worthless' one.

I am so upset about this.

That and the fact that he has implied that WHATEVER relationship I was in I must have been the one that was the less 'valuable' one. The one who was worthy of being tossed aside.

I fucking hate him.
Truly I do.

But I have no idea whether iabu or not.

Incidentally, I lost my confidence and ability to work during our relationship.

Please comment. I'm so upset.

OP posts:
ImCamembertTheBigCheese · 10/09/2023 10:21

Why are you putting up with being treated so poorly?

willWillSmithsmith · 10/09/2023 10:21

You don’t have dc so please, for your already fragile MH get out of this pointless relationship. You deserve way better than this poor excuse for a partner. Having no partner is better than this. It will be the best thing you ever did and your MH will improve.

Winnipeggy · 10/09/2023 10:24

It doesn't matter what his views are and whether they are right or wrong, the fact that he berates you and beats you down is unacceptable in any relationship. We can all see that you need to leave...not all men are like this. I promise.

WickedSerious · 10/09/2023 10:29

Fuck him off,life will be so much better without him.

Mirabai · 10/09/2023 10:34

It’s very clear where a key trigger of your mental health problems lie. Have you considered you might be able to work FT if you didn’t live with someone destroying your confidence?

VickyEadieofThigh · 10/09/2023 10:34

I'm utterly mystified as to WHY you're still with him.

CClaire · 10/09/2023 10:38

JFC! This is not how a spouse is supposed to talk to you/view you/treat you. The only person I remember saying sh!t like that was my cousin’s nasty ex-schoolfriend [in a friendship ending rage].

JudgeRudy · 10/09/2023 10:40

Do you have an underlying MH condition eg bi-polar effective disorder, or are you simply currently suffering with mental ill-health? Of course poor MH doesn't always have a 'reason' but surely you're making the link! Your health has deterioted since you've been with him. I suspect if you if you separated you would soon heal and recover. I also suspect he would panic and immediately tell you how much he loved you and would become a wonderful partner. He won't. He doesn't love you. Walk away.

dogmandu · 10/09/2023 10:45

just a general question, can you self diagnose mental health issues and get benefits in UK or do you have to have some sort of medical diagnosis?

Livelovebehappy · 10/09/2023 10:50

sadaboutmycat · 10/09/2023 10:03

Erm, have you missed the part that OP has lost her confidence to work whilst with this man?
How on this earth can you say that to a victim of an abuser? Shame on you.

Show quote history

She hates him. Has for some time. What's stopping her from leaving him? She's clearly found her anger here and could walk out the door. She has no dcs. Op also worked part time when with previous partner so sounds like the mh issues started before getting together with this one. Not saying the sole reason is down to financial reasons, but I suspect it plays a big part in her reasons for still being with him.

fizzandchips · 10/09/2023 10:53

I agree with what others have said, I feel your mental health and general health will improve significantly if you dump him. He is weighing you down with unkindness and contempt. You can do so much better OP.

WhateverMate · 10/09/2023 10:55

Incidentally, I lost my confidence and ability to work during our relationship.

I'm confused by this because you said you do work but part-time?

ChocolateCinderToffee · 10/09/2023 10:55

I best your mental health improves no end once you’ve dumped him.

Original poster
Meltingbrie · 10/09/2023 10:56

Livelovebehappy · 10/09/2023 10:50

She hates him. Has for some time. What's stopping her from leaving him? She's clearly found her anger here and could walk out the door. She has no dcs. Op also worked part time when with previous partner so sounds like the mh issues started before getting together with this one. Not saying the sole reason is down to financial reasons, but I suspect it plays a big part in her reasons for still being with him.

Show quote history

If had you read my post correctly you'd see that I worked full time before meeting my dh.

OP posts:
Original poster
Meltingbrie · 10/09/2023 11:00

To clarify: I worked full - time in a profession that required 3 years of training BEFORE I met my dh now I work about ten a week doing very low paid work.

Clear enough?

OP posts:
Bromptotoo · 10/09/2023 11:01

dogmandu · 10/09/2023 10:45

just a general question, can you self diagnose mental health issues and get benefits in UK or do you have to have some sort of medical diagnosis?

No.

To claim an income replacement benefit (ESA or Universal Credit) you need medical evidence that you cannot work. You'll then be put through a Work Capability Assessment which has three possible outcomes. You could be fit for work, not fit right now but might be with support etc or not able to do any work or work related activity.

HorseyHorsham · 10/09/2023 11:01

Viviennemary · 10/09/2023 09:01

If a man just worked part-time the replies would be different.

Not if their partner was telling him they were useless: regardless of who was posting

  1. He posts- the replies would be she is abusing you leave.
  2. She posts- you’ve lost respect and think he’s a cocklodger. It’s time to end it.
what’s the difference?
GoryBory · 10/09/2023 11:01

So why are you still with him?

You don’t like him and he doesn’t like you, so why are you staying together?

Original poster
Meltingbrie · 10/09/2023 11:02

And no money's got fuck all to do with it.
If you gave me a million quid I'd be too scared to leave.

OP posts:
NewPinkJacket · 10/09/2023 11:03

Meltingbrie · 10/09/2023 11:00

To clarify: I worked full - time in a profession that required 3 years of training BEFORE I met my dh now I work about ten a week doing very low paid work.

Clear enough?

Do you mean 10 hours a week?

If you're confident enough to do those hours, why not more?

Not having a go, just genuinely trying to understand.

GoryBory · 10/09/2023 11:05

Meltingbrie · 10/09/2023 11:02

And no money's got fuck all to do with it.
If you gave me a million quid I'd be too scared to leave.

Why are you scared to leave?

Is he violent?

Why can’t you leave when he’s at work?

DonnaBanana · 10/09/2023 11:06

All the job and income stuff is irrelevant. You’re in a relationship with someone who doesn’t like you. This is no way to be, get rid of him or leave.

Cowlover89 · 10/09/2023 11:12

YADNBU X

Original poster
Meltingbrie · 10/09/2023 11:13

GoryBory · 10/09/2023 11:05

Why are you scared to leave?

Is he violent?

Why can’t you leave when he’s at work?

Show quote history

Because I get repeatedly told I am useless and couldn't cope alone.

OP posts:
GoryBory · 10/09/2023 11:23

Meltingbrie · 10/09/2023 11:13

Because I get repeatedly told I am useless and couldn't cope alone.

Show quote history

But you can, you know you can.

You say yourself that you were the one carrying your ex and so you know you’re more than capable.

What do you think is the worst that’s going to happen if you leave?

Why are you so afraid of being single?