This is straw that broke camel's back. Aibu?

[Meltingbrie]

Hi all, my dh has spent years berating me about a flaw I have. One that I really wish I didn't have but have, namely I have mental health issues that mean I can only work part-time.

He has zero sympathy for this and always goes on about how I don't work. It's like a stick to beat me with.
He is constantly critical in other areas, too.

Stressing that to not work is an absolute sin and that people who don't work should be left to starve. Unless raising children or disabled etc.

Basically how he sees work as essential.

Now please, I am not here to argue about that, not here to argue about whether he is right or wrong.
It's NOT the point.

During an argument last night, he brought up a past relationship I had with an ex-boyfriend that broke up with me and said, and I quote, 'he couldn' t put up with you. '

I was flabbergasted as at the point me and my ex broke up I WAS in a good job while my then ex was long-term unemployed and a real slacker!!

So the thing that my dh has spent years berating me for, this dreadful flaw (according to him) of being (under) unemployed, I didn't have but my ex did, yet I was still the one being worthy of dumped, the 'worthless' one.

I am so upset about this.

That and the fact that he has implied that WHATEVER relationship I was in I must have been the one that was the less 'valuable' one. The one who was worthy of being tossed aside.

I fucking hate him.
Truly I do.

But I have no idea whether iabu or not.

Incidentally, I lost my confidence and ability to work during our relationship.

Please comment. I'm so upset.

Please put a plan in place to leave this man.
It’s strange isn’t it that it’s since getting together with this bastard that you’ve got low confidence and mental health issues?

He‘s been wearing you down.
Also I have to say calling not working full-time a sin yet sprouting awful deeply unloving things to your partner is also a sin.

Leave. And you’ll find your life improves very quickly.

Your mental health is probably in tatters because of this wanker. Get rid of him. But be prepared for the gaslighting, denial, grovelling and rage. It’s textbook!

Bloody hell. Does he have any redeeming features at all @Meltingbrie ?!

He’s an abusive cunt. Get your 🦆 in a row and leave him. See your Gp and get some counselling and work on your self esteem. 🌺

God just split up with the creep. It's like he wants you to anyway to save him the job

Wow what a great way to help mental health. My husband is the total opposite when I have an episode and even takes on more with the kids without needing asked. You don't need to be with someone who is already pulling you down

This is truly awful. How dare anyone challenge how much you work. By the sounds of it you have chosen to work part time because it allows you to self regulate. That is so good in itself because you are consciously aware of your limits and have set boundaries in place to get through life in a healthy and independent way, contributing to society where you can and supporting yourself.
Get away from this total idiot and find someone who appreciates you.

It’s his misogyny showing. You could have a successful high powered career and he would berate you and break you down over something else.

It’s abuse, LTB.

Has it occurred to you that the reason you have mental health issues is because you're with a man who speaks to you like you're dirt?

You don't need to apologise for anything.

YABU to stay with this absolutely vile man who is eroding your self esteem and emotionally abusing you.

Please seek help to leave him.

I fucking hate him.
Truly I do.

Why haven’t you left him, then?

I think you have understood & summed it up very well @Peachee

@Meltingbrie Could your mental health problems be a completely natural response to being in this relationship? You might find that you don’t actually have mental health issues if you leave this man..

Erm, have you missed the part that OP has lost her confidence to work whilst with this man?
How on this earth can you say that to a victim of an abuser? Shame on you.

He sounds like a hateful person and you hate him. Why are you so focused on what he said and not on leaving him?

Why are you together?

Honestly I’m genuinely asking because I’m really confused why anyone would be in this sort of relationship?

Neither of you even like each other and so I don’t understand why one of you doesn’t just say this obviously isn’t working so let’s split and move on and be happy with our lives.

You know it’s ok to be single.

Not if the woman was emotionally abusing him about it they wouldn't. Apart from people with a very skewed view of the world.

What are the mental health issues?
I wouldn't be at all surprised if you saw a significant improvement if you binned off this awful man.
You say you were in a good job when you were with the slacker ex. So did the issues meaning you were unable to work full time begin when you got together with this piece of shit?

He's absolutely awful. He's abusive and I can guarantee that even if you were working full time he would find something else to batter you with.

Why are you still in this relationship?

It sounds like you'd be a lot better off on your own without his constant abuse towards you.

Your dh obviously didn’t take much notice of the ‘in sickness and in health’ part of his wedding vows did he?
I have mental health issues and a physical health issue which means (atm) I am only working very part time. Life can be quite tough both with the lack of money and how I feel most days but my dh would never berate me for my issues, I didn’t ask to fall unwell.
Poor mental health is just as serious as poor physical health. Would he berate you if you become poorly with some physical issue?
It must be very difficult to make a decision to leave someone especially when you are not feeling 100% but it does look like this is one circumstance in which breaking up seems like the most sensible idea especially for your future mental health, a toxic relationship is not good for mental health.
Good luck and do not let anyone put you down for issues out of your control.

Your DH is probably causing your mh issues. If you left you would find (with a little therapy) that in two years you would have no mh problems and would be a totally different person.

By the way, you are married to an abuser. Just because he doesn't hit you doesn't make him less dangerous, probably makes him more. Get out. Run.

Erm, your husband is supposed to be your friend. This person is not your friend. Find a way to leave.

What a nasty bastard, please get your ducks in a row, seek legal advice and leave this abusive prick

I don’t think it even matters whether he ‘believes’ what he’s been saying. Zoom out and you’ll see he’s an abusive arsehole. You say you hate him. It’s not normal to hate your DH. It’s a sign that he’s worn you down to this point. You don’t have to be with him. You can leave. Please do.