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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

This is straw that broke camel's back. Aibu?

192 replies

Meltingbrie · 10/09/2023 07:09

Hi all, my dh has spent years berating me about a flaw I have. One that I really wish I didn't have but have, namely I have mental health issues that mean I can only work part-time.

He has zero sympathy for this and always goes on about how I don't work. It's like a stick to beat me with.
He is constantly critical in other areas, too.

Stressing that to not work is an absolute sin and that people who don't work should be left to starve. Unless raising children or disabled etc.

Basically how he sees work as essential.

Now please, I am not here to argue about that, not here to argue about whether he is right or wrong.
It's NOT the point.

During an argument last night, he brought up a past relationship I had with an ex-boyfriend that broke up with me and said, and I quote, 'he couldn' t put up with you. '

I was flabbergasted as at the point me and my ex broke up I WAS in a good job while my then ex was long-term unemployed and a real slacker!!

So the thing that my dh has spent years berating me for, this dreadful flaw (according to him) of being (under) unemployed, I didn't have but my ex did, yet I was still the one being worthy of dumped, the 'worthless' one.

I am so upset about this.

That and the fact that he has implied that WHATEVER relationship I was in I must have been the one that was the less 'valuable' one. The one who was worthy of being tossed aside.

I fucking hate him.
Truly I do.

But I have no idea whether iabu or not.

Incidentally, I lost my confidence and ability to work during our relationship.

Please comment. I'm so upset.

OP posts:
Ireolu · 10/09/2023 08:30

You have no DC, perfect opportunity to leave please. He is contributing to your mental health problems.

3luckystars · 10/09/2023 08:32

How do you think your mental health is going to improve if you stay with him??

This is your wake up call, get out now. Today. Don’t look back.

Good luck.

Calmdown14 · 10/09/2023 08:37

You can go round in circles forever on the rights and wrongs, who does what to who, whether there is logic to his arguments or not

But ultimately you don't like him and he doesn't appear to like you.

It's broken. How long you want to stay and torture yourself in this is something you need to take control of. He may or may not contribute to your mental health problems but it is absolutely certain that no one can have good mental health living in these circumstances.

Sorry if that sounds harsh. What I really mean is don't hang on seeking to analyse and identify which individual bits of brickwork are wonky when you have a building with no foundations.

Get counselling and better understand yourself but you don't need a 'gotcha' to leave him. No longer loving him is enough.

seafronty · 10/09/2023 08:38

Leave. Problem solved.

billy1966 · 10/09/2023 08:39

Your mental health will improve if you get away from him.

He is highly abusive.

Call Womens aid asap.

You can be free of him.

AgnesX · 10/09/2023 08:39

Meltingbrie · 10/09/2023 07:28

No dcs. Thank goodness.

Thank god for that. Ever considered leaving him? Seriously.

mycatsanutter · 10/09/2023 08:39

Partners should boost you up , pay you compliments, make you laugh , help you not drag you down . This won't get better it will only get worse , please for your own self worth make plans to leave him.

TicTac80 · 10/09/2023 08:42

OP, I imagine that even if you didn't have any mental health issues, and was working FT, on a great salary, etc etc etc, your H would STILL find something to berate you for. I also am guessing that if you weren't with him, a lot of your mental health issues would improve. FWIW, he's vile, and YADNBU.

I had an ex just like him, years ago: he was charming at first, absolutely lovely, EVERYONE thought he was amazing. Behind closed doors, it was a different picture. A few months in, the abuse started. Very subtly at first, I didn't even twig it. And then it slowly got worse and worse. A real frog in a pan of boiling water. One of the things he did was that he'd berate me for not doing A, B and C. I'd try and change to do that, thinking things would be better. Then he'd berate me for doing A, B and C....and gaslight me into thinking he had never wished for ABC in the beginning. Rinse and repeat. After 3yrs, I was a gibbering, stammering wreck of myself. And he would take every opportunity to make damned sure I knew how lucky I was that he was with the likes of me etc. Thank God, I somehow twigged that whatever I did or didn't do wouldn't make a jot of difference and I was able to leave (I was 22 at the time).

Are you able to quietly look at the logistics of LTB? I know that it isn't easy or possible to simply up sticks and leave. Good luck. And again, it isn't you with the problem, it is him!

LimeCheesecake · 10/09/2023 08:45

start making your plans. There’s no rush, but he’s just taken all the power out of the “you are rubbish because you don’t work full time” argument and he doesn’t even know he’s lost that ability to put you in your place yet. Be careful talking to him about it, once he realises this doesn’t work as a way to control and make you feel small, he’ll look for something else.

if you are definately planning on leaving, don’t try to win arguments with him in the mean time.

Livelovebehappy · 10/09/2023 08:47

Fandangoes · 10/09/2023 08:03

I suspect you stay with him because he pays for your lifestyle

Probably put a bit clumsily, but there probably is some truth in the fact that obviously to work part time, op has to rely on her dh partially supporting her. Leaving might not be that easy a decision if you rely on someone financially. There may be UC payments, but not sure if they are available if you have no dcs? I would absolutely leave him, but would also accept that working part time may no longer be an option.

Hereforsummer · 10/09/2023 08:56

You live with a man who constantly berates you, and thinks you are worthless. I suspect it is not a coincidence that while putting up with that you have lost your confidence. I suspect your MH issues would improve dramatically if you were no longer with a man who undermines you all the time.

OnAFrolicOfMyOwn · 10/09/2023 08:57

Incidentally, I lost my confidence and ability to work during our relationship.

You need to get out of the relationship and rebuild your confidence.

LadyMacbethWasMisunderstood · 10/09/2023 08:59

Your husband does not respect you. Respect, in my opinion, is the most crucial component in a relationship. The basic building block for all functional relationships (even non romantic ones). You should make preparations to leave him. It you love him you could, if you wished, try to see if relationship counselling would help. But given you say he has felt this way about you for years then I doubt it would resolve things.

It may be that you will need to work more to support yourself after separation, but as others have said, if your husband has contributed to your mental health difficulties, you may well find things easier without him in your life.

Good luck.

Viviennemary · 10/09/2023 09:01

If a man just worked part-time the replies would be different.

Ladybug14 · 10/09/2023 09:02

Let's be crystal clear here. Even if you started to work full time, he'd find something else to criticise you for

The man is a bully. An egotistical narcissistic bully.

Get rid today

OnAFrolicOfMyOwn · 10/09/2023 09:04

Viviennemary · 10/09/2023 09:01

If a man just worked part-time the replies would be different.

My husband worked part-time for years and now doesn't work at all for health reasons. I don't tell him he is useless.

Ladybug14 · 10/09/2023 09:04

Viviennemary · 10/09/2023 09:01

If a man just worked part-time the replies would be different.

Surely not if it was health related?

Also..... for me its the bullying, the abuse which is so awful.

And I'd give the same answer if it was a woman doing the abusing and bullying

Fandangoes · 10/09/2023 09:04

@Livelovebehappy That’s must better put than I did. I wasn’t being nasty. I was trying to explain why it wasn’t so easy to ‘just leave him’ like all the other posters were saying.

ClairDeLaLune · 10/09/2023 09:05

More than likely you have MH issues because of him. I bet if you ditched him you’d feel a lot better. He’s constantly doing you down and eroding your self-esteem. You deserve so much better than this OP. Please ditch him.

rainbowstardrops · 10/09/2023 09:05

So he looks down at you with contempt. He thinks he is better than you and that you're worthless.
Like others have said, I think your mental health would improve significantly without this deadbeat round your neck.

smilesup · 10/09/2023 09:08

I hope he is your soon to be ex.

Evaka · 10/09/2023 09:09

OP. Please get some support for your self esteem before you ever date another person. You have too high a tolerance for terrible treatment and your idea of normal behaviour is totally off kilter.

Ridemeginger · 10/09/2023 09:12

He said what he said to keep you with him. He wants you to believe you are so bad/flawed that nobody else would want you/could put up with you. So don’t bother trying to leave. I’m guessing he thinks you might leave. Please do. He’s either the reason for your mental health issues, and/or the reason you are not recovering well. Stop fixating on what he said about the ex - I know it is maddeningly unfair when the reverse was true of you and your ex - but use your energy to get a divorce. You have a job and no kids, those are both excellent positions to be in, much better than most abused women who post here.

fairyfluf · 10/09/2023 09:14

Sounds like the camel's back broke a while ago and has been held together with plasters. Keep safe

Penguinmouse · 10/09/2023 09:14

Get out of this relationship. Having poor mental health is not a flaw and the fact he uses it as a stick to beat you with is disgusting. Dump him.

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