This is straw that broke camel's back. Aibu?

[Meltingbrie]

Hi all, my dh has spent years berating me about a flaw I have. One that I really wish I didn't have but have, namely I have mental health issues that mean I can only work part-time.

He has zero sympathy for this and always goes on about how I don't work. It's like a stick to beat me with.
He is constantly critical in other areas, too.

Stressing that to not work is an absolute sin and that people who don't work should be left to starve. Unless raising children or disabled etc.

Basically how he sees work as essential.

Now please, I am not here to argue about that, not here to argue about whether he is right or wrong.
It's NOT the point.

During an argument last night, he brought up a past relationship I had with an ex-boyfriend that broke up with me and said, and I quote, 'he couldn' t put up with you. '

I was flabbergasted as at the point me and my ex broke up I WAS in a good job while my then ex was long-term unemployed and a real slacker!!

So the thing that my dh has spent years berating me for, this dreadful flaw (according to him) of being (under) unemployed, I didn't have but my ex did, yet I was still the one being worthy of dumped, the 'worthless' one.

I am so upset about this.

That and the fact that he has implied that WHATEVER relationship I was in I must have been the one that was the less 'valuable' one. The one who was worthy of being tossed aside.

I fucking hate him.
Truly I do.

But I have no idea whether iabu or not.

Incidentally, I lost my confidence and ability to work during our relationship.

Please comment. I'm so upset.

Look at this carefully.

Well, @Meltingbrie you know you are not useless. You have a professional qualification that took 3 years to achieve, and held down a full time job whilst supporting your feckless ex. Nobody who can do that is useless. You need to pinpoint what changed that made you lose your confidence. "Coping alone" entails many practical and financial considerations, as you know because you have obviously been a coper before. But the mental block to doing this is what is holding you back, and your cunt of a DH is the one reinforcing that block to keep you right where he wants you. He's making you believe he is doing you a favour being with you. I think the truth is he is shit scared of you leaving, and depriving him of an emotional punchbag/housekeeper/legitimiser of his manhood. Trace things back to where your mental health problems started, where you stopped being able to work in the profession you studied hard to get into, and the role he played in that. I'm sure the truth about your current predicament is very far from the twisted truth your H is trying to gaslight you with.

I never lived with my ex.

I'm not afraid of being single as such just not being able to cope.

It's not about being single because I need to be with a man at all.

Then why are you with him?

Split up. Today preferably

What do you think you wouldn't be able to cope with?

Oh bless you. I want to give you a huge hug. Firstly, can you try and get some therapy? I assume you're already having some of your MH is that bad. You need someone impartial to help you try and rebuild your self-esteem and confidence. You have lived a life before him and you are totally capable of doing it again. Keep remembering that. Do you think you might be able to return to your profession in time? Do you have any family that you can turn to for help, possibly even move in with to give you a breather while you get your ducks in a row? It seems insurmountable now but just look through the boards here to see how many mnetters have managed to struggle through and come out the other side.

He sounds abusive. You deserve someone who helps you manage with your health issues, not that makes you feel worse about them. You deserve better.

“Incidentally, I lost my confidence and ability to work during our relationship.”

I think this says it all! He is abusive and I am convinced you would feel a lot better in yourself if you were not with him. I would make your plans to leave.

You know what I'm not going to answer any more posts along the lines of 'why are you still with him'?

Not when I've written several times that I've utterly lost confidence in myself.

I mean jeez why would I still be here if I could just walk out easily?

I think the OP does work though, just part time?

No-one's saying it'll be easy but let's face it, you two aren't going to grow old together are you?

If he left you tomorrow you'd have to cope, so far better to plan it yourself so you're not left in the lurch.

But you’re not explaining what it is you’re so scared of.

Like what is it exactly?
Why does you having no confidence effect that?

Are you worried that you’ll have to get a FT job?

I'm going to take a wild guess that the H was threatened by OP's job, status, salary and time spent with other smart professional people - either because it showed him up as inadequate, and/or because he feared she'd find a better partner who isn't an absolute cunt. So he wore her down about her job and what she was doing and who she was talking to, and who she wanted to fuck at work etc etc, until she left. And then he could vilify her for not working enough, not being in a smart enough job, not being as good as him.

@Meltingbrie If any of the above is correct, or close to what happened, you need to know that you are absolutely fine, you are not what he wants you to believe you are. You are vulnerable and worn down, but you are not defeated. You really do need to try to extract yourself from this marriage. There is absolutely no shame in you having stayed as long as you have. But you are having your lightbulb moment now - don't let that go to waste. Think about the life you want to have away from him, and take steps (even baby ones) to move forward towards this. Lean on friends and family if they are around. People who truly love you will want to help you. Your H is not one of them.

It's terrifying to leave, I get that. But look at your potential future with this man - isn't that even more terrifying? A relationship of mutual loathing. Because he hates you, judging by his words, and now you hate him.

You could start small, pick one thing to do this week to start the ball rolling. It could be as simple as talking to a friend about how your DH treats you and how miserable you are. Just one little step to make the next steps less daunting.

Yup, leaving is hard. But staying is hard too. You get to choose your hard.

Only one of those options puts you in charge of your own future and will give you a chance to get your confidence back. You will also be using your mental energy to create a new life, rather than deal with a situation that you cannot ever change.

As a pp said, he could choose to leave you at any time, even if you choose to stick it out. Men like him don't consider your feelings for 2 seconds, so he'd walk away without a backwards glance.

Women's Aid may also be able to help you - because this is emotional abuse.

Hey OP, how can we help you to leave. Are there any specific things that worry you?

For me it was ‘technology’- that was his arena. And I had this belief I couldn’t do technology to his standard I would be useless. It was only when I could talk through my embarrassment that I realized my belief was unreasonable. Now I do the technology/ watch YouTube to find out/ ask and it’s fine.

Your mental health and confidence would improve if you left. I know it isn’t easy, but you’d feel so much better being away from someone who is emotionally abusive.

Okay. So what do you need?

I was stuck in a bad marriage with no way out too. Suicidal, no confidence, no money.
Talk to your GP and tell them you are in a bad marriage and want to leave, hopefully they will get you some counselling, check your medication is right, etc.
Talk to Womens Aid.
Check out the benefits website or go to citizens advice.

The first two helped me, I'm now in the process of divorce.

Haranguing and barracking a woman you know is being abused is really really horrible.

She isn’t actually accountable to you, and behaving as if she is, is what her abuser does.

@Meltingbrie My dsis was in the same sort of relationship although she had dc.
Her dh said she was abusing him because she didn’t work full time.
Dsis had no confidence but she did leave her now ex because she realised his behaviour was making her mh issues worse.

OP - you've taken the first, and hardest step - you are strong, even if you don't feel like you are

Can you call Women's Aid, or a similar charity?
Do you have close friends / family that you can confide in?

He's abusive and he's adding to your MH being so low - it's a vicious circle - YOU CAN break it
He's told you so many times that you're useless, that you believe it. But I suspect that you've realised just how low he's making you, that he's talking shite, and that you deserve better. Even if this is just a suspicion. You can do it OP - you'll get a tonne of good advice on MN, some harsh realities too, but fucking solid advice.

I agree you need to leave as this treatment is doing your self esteem no good. But tbh I think living with somebody who suffers from mental health issues is often very stressful. So better off apart.

Sending you lots of love it’s easy for people to say just leave but when you have been constantly told you won’t cope on your own etc just be kind to yourself do something even a bubble bath or sit in the garden with your favourite drink.
I haven’t worked at all in almost 5 years my DH has never once said anything like yours he’s no saint but he has never used my MH against me he even does all the housework childcare on days/weeks when I can’t get out of bed.
if you don’t get PiP then look into it I get the full amount it’s not means tested so you should be eligible also if your not under any Mh services start the ball rolling
Start to build up your tools slowly and take one day at a time till your stronger and then make a decision about the future

dont put yourself through this op.
you are better without him

You've identified the MAIN problem - HIM!

You've identified your problem - lack of confidence.

Solution: build your confidence and keep your life moving.

Also, sorry to be a little brash, but I don't think it's your confidence entirely that is the reason you're not leaving. You said you lost confidence to work ft while being with him. That also reads a little like, you were also comfortable with being provided for, and even now, you're afraid to return to adulting entirely - keeping a roof over your own head.

Who wouldn't take being a kept women?! But in real life, that never comes for free! The main breadwinner in this day and age especially; will get on a high horse and lose respect for the other person. There's no getting away from the social mindset and culture, the person who is the main breadwinner is somehow superior to the other, and many do misuse that superiority, and many start to resent the person who they feel they're maintaining. I don't care what people say, but the power lies with the money. It's the fuel to life. And it seems since its been going on for years, that maybe you stayed being crippled by financial comfort at the expense of your own confidence, but he's getting worse as they years pass by!

You know what you need to do. It comes down to how much courage you have to start over and face possibly a little hardship and pain, before ultimately being in a place of self control and self reliance with your dignity intact and own money.