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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

This is straw that broke camel's back. Aibu?

192 replies

Meltingbrie · 10/09/2023 07:09

Hi all, my dh has spent years berating me about a flaw I have. One that I really wish I didn't have but have, namely I have mental health issues that mean I can only work part-time.

He has zero sympathy for this and always goes on about how I don't work. It's like a stick to beat me with.
He is constantly critical in other areas, too.

Stressing that to not work is an absolute sin and that people who don't work should be left to starve. Unless raising children or disabled etc.

Basically how he sees work as essential.

Now please, I am not here to argue about that, not here to argue about whether he is right or wrong.
It's NOT the point.

During an argument last night, he brought up a past relationship I had with an ex-boyfriend that broke up with me and said, and I quote, 'he couldn' t put up with you. '

I was flabbergasted as at the point me and my ex broke up I WAS in a good job while my then ex was long-term unemployed and a real slacker!!

So the thing that my dh has spent years berating me for, this dreadful flaw (according to him) of being (under) unemployed, I didn't have but my ex did, yet I was still the one being worthy of dumped, the 'worthless' one.

I am so upset about this.

That and the fact that he has implied that WHATEVER relationship I was in I must have been the one that was the less 'valuable' one. The one who was worthy of being tossed aside.

I fucking hate him.
Truly I do.

But I have no idea whether iabu or not.

Incidentally, I lost my confidence and ability to work during our relationship.

Please comment. I'm so upset.

OP posts:
Shelleylou999 · 10/09/2023 07:46

I am a counsellor myself and a survivor of domestic abuse. It is never easy to “just leave” and anyone who says that is fortunate not to have been in the situation and understand what they do to your confidence and ability to function. You get caught up in the cycle of abuse. Let me guess he’s nasty then he’s nice, and this repeats. My suggestion my sweetie would be to go and get sone counselling. There are plenty of free services for domestic abuse. Also I would contact domestic abuse services they are able to help and things are evidenced in the event you file for a divorce. I promise there is light at the end of the tunnel. You can do this and need ti for yourself snd your children. Xxxx

PoppyFleur · 10/09/2023 07:46

Stop looking for logic in the abuse he hurls at you. He is saying anything to put you down. It’s not seated in reality, it’s just abuse. Even if you worked full time and earned more than him, he would still put you down.

This is not love, this is not respect, this is not compassion, this is not support. Someone who loves you, would not intentionally try to hurt you.

Please get some support for your mental health and leave this marriage. I promise you, your mental wellbeing will improve dramatically.

Treebark · 10/09/2023 07:50

You've got caught up trying to prove the inconsistencies to show he's unreasonable and being angry at that.

Instead you need to take a step back and become fucking furious that you're still in a relationship with this man. You despise him. He appears to despise you. Why on earth are you still in a relationship? Go be free and watch your mental health improve.

You don't need proof that he's an arse. You just need him gone.

ZadocPDederick · 10/09/2023 07:52

Have an adult conversation with him about the fact that you are clearly not making each other happy and you need to split up and go your separate ways.

Chestnutz · 10/09/2023 07:54

Why are you still in a relationship with this man. You can do something about that. The stuff he’s saying to you is awful.

SallyWD · 10/09/2023 07:55

You can't change what a nasty man he is but you can leave him.

MumofLandD · 10/09/2023 07:56

Emotional abuse. Leave xx

BingoandBlueyForever · 10/09/2023 08:01

Exactly. He just enjoys putting you down. He doesn’t actually believe what he says, he doesn’t need to. He just needs to make you believe he believes it. And this time it’s backfired because he’s got the narrative so obviously wrong it not longer makes any sense.
If he actually thought working was really important then he would be encouraging of your part time work rather than dismissive.

Thelonelygiraffe · 10/09/2023 08:02

Why would you stay with someone who is critical of you and totally unsympathetic to your mh issues? That's what you should be thinking about.

Fandangoes · 10/09/2023 08:03

I suspect you stay with him because he pays for your lifestyle

Morechocmorechoc · 10/09/2023 08:08

The fact you don't know if yabu or not says exactly what he has done to you. I really hope you can get out soon.

Nohelpfromdr · 10/09/2023 08:10

I can’t work at all and my partner would never dream of being unkind about that . I think Mayer you’d be happier out of a relationship where someone treats you like this 😞

Nohelpfromdr · 10/09/2023 08:10

Maybe

HorseyHorsham · 10/09/2023 08:13

EnjoyingTheSilence · 10/09/2023 07:30

Get rid. I’m sure your mental health issues will become a lot easier without him

This a million times over.

I cannot stress this enough- it is hard at the start because you are constantly second guessing yourself and still do things to avoid criticisms you know he would make. But it gets easier.

If he genuinely thinks you’re not good enough, then so be it.

Dibbydoos · 10/09/2023 08:15

Incidentally, I lost my confidence and ability to work during our relationship.

@Meltingbrie your DH is a narcissist that's how her has sent you into this web of mental ill health by chipping away at your very self.

Walk away now.

Look for training - you need to understand how he has done what he has done to you and how you get out of it. See yoyr GP who may have some ideas or look out MIND or social services, but get out of this toxic relationship, please.

Livelovebehappy · 10/09/2023 08:17

I would leave, but you will probably need to get a full time job if you do so, as I’m guessing he subsidises your part time working atm.

M103 · 10/09/2023 08:20

He sounds awful. You will be better off without him.

wp65 · 10/09/2023 08:21

Fandangoes · 10/09/2023 08:03

I suspect you stay with him because he pays for your lifestyle

Oh go away.

HorseyHorsham · 10/09/2023 08:22

Meltingbrie · 10/09/2023 07:33

He doesn't even believe in the thing he has berated me for years for, does he?

His comment last night proved that.

Sorry for swearing but what a c*.

I read a brilliant article ( I will try to find) about liars and spoofers.

basically -liars know the truth but deny it; spoofers are worse because they have no interest in the truth either way, only in their own ends.

You are crediting your husband with way too much thinking. He would say “it’s a joke” if confronted - actually an admission he’s a spoofer. He would say anything to serve his purposes and he doesn’t have your interests at heart.

Wiii · 10/09/2023 08:22

Just leave him.

HorseyHorsham · 10/09/2023 08:23

wp65 · 10/09/2023 08:21

Oh go away.

Show quote history

But why does he stay with her… If she’s is half as useless as he’s making out surely the onus would be in him?

EggInANest · 10/09/2023 08:25

Incidentally, I lost my confidence and ability to work during our relationship.

I doubt it is incidental. I was thinking from the first sentence of your post “your MH would probably improve no end if you didn’t live with someone who berates and belittles you”

OK, it isn’t always easy to live with someone with anxiety or MH problems, but most loving partners would understand how to be supportive, and want to be supportive … because they love you.

Your DH is a bully and emotionally abusive. It was a horrible thing to say

And a common script from emotionally abusive men is ‘no one else would have you’, which this was a way of saying.

This is designed to trap you, take away hope for any better relationship, and try and make you feel lucky for being with him.

SurelyBassey · 10/09/2023 08:27

Fandangoes · 10/09/2023 08:03

I suspect you stay with him because he pays for your lifestyle

Why write this? Does it bring you joy to be so nasty?
@Meltingbrie have you got any support as you really need to step away from him

Timeforchangeplease · 10/09/2023 08:29

You need to get as far away from him as possible.
You are in an abusive relationship.
Your mental health will never improve unless you do.

HotWaxToTheMax · 10/09/2023 08:30

Many mental illnesses are now covered by the benefits system.
You can absolutely carry on working AND be supported to do so.
Please explore your options.
He sounds vile.
Take good care of yourself 🌺