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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think DH is being unreasonable/making this difficult when it doesn’t need to be?

197 replies

Stressedmummy7 · 09/09/2023 22:14

We are going away on holiday (involving a long haul flight and DD wants to take the soft toys for on the plane) on Monday. DD wants to bring 3 soft toys in her backpack. DH is moaning and groaning saying she can only bring one, DH won’t stop going on about it. I personally think it’s fine for DD to take 3 as she knows she can’t have all 3 out at once and also her snacks etc go in my backpack normally so she will have room in hers for them. DH is trying to start an argument with me over and saying I’m “not being strict enough” with DD. Aibu to think DH is being unreasonable/making this more difficult than it needs to be?

OP posts:
OhComeOnFFS · 11/09/2023 13:59

I was waiting for him to say he wouldn't go. I agree with the PP that something's going on, OP.

MotherEarthisaTerf · 11/09/2023 14:10

Stressedmummy7 · 11/09/2023 09:30

DH has gone off on one again this morning and wouldn’t shut up about it again! Now he’s said he wants to stay at home because he “can’t agree with DD taking 3 soft toys on a plane!”!!

It's clear to your husband this is a bigger issue than it needs to be. I actually agree with him about 1 being better. Often when a small issue really blows up it's because of something else more serious underlying it. Eg

  • he thinks you're undermining him
  • he's worried she's too immature - he thinks something's "wrong" with her and you're minimising it
  • he has psychological issues from his parents re public image

Those are just examples. I'd sit him down and say you can see how important this issue is to him - and you also know it's important to your daughter. Can he explain what's really going on?

Unless he's like this about lots of things - in which case it's probably still caused by something underlying, but he's also v abusive and controlling.

Ask your daughter why she wants 3. She's 7 now, she should be able to explain. Could you suggest you take 2 so she has one and a spare if she loses it taking it out for the day, and then buy her another one as a souvenir when she's on hol? My DD is a bit older and likes having them in her bed and if I explained we were short on luggage she would agree to take only 1 or 2.

Bruisername · 11/09/2023 14:23

Did he want to go on this holiday? It sounds like he’s found an excuse not to go - however illogical

unless they are enormous toys he is certainly making a fuss over nothing

Hibiscrubbed · 11/09/2023 22:31

Stressedmummy7 · 11/09/2023 09:30

DH has gone off on one again this morning and wouldn’t shut up about it again! Now he’s said he wants to stay at home because he “can’t agree with DD taking 3 soft toys on a plane!”!!

Good. I hope the stupid prick does stay at home. He’s ruining your holiday and I suspect ruins good chunks of yours and your daughter’s lives. What the actual fuck is wrong with him that he 1.) objected to three toys going, 2.) finds it soooo ‘embarrassing’, and 3.) keeps going on about it..?

monsteramunch · 11/09/2023 22:50

Stressedmummy7 · 11/09/2023 09:30

DH has gone off on one again this morning and wouldn’t shut up about it again! Now he’s said he wants to stay at home because he “can’t agree with DD taking 3 soft toys on a plane!”!!

God, he sounds such a miserable eejit I think that's the best outcome tbh. A nice holiday without him dragging you down and being a bully for the sake of it, while you contemplate if you want to spend the rest of your life negotiating with an unreasonable wanker.

monsteramunch · 11/09/2023 22:52

Imagine him explaining this to people.

Him: "I decided not to go on the holiday as she was being completely unreasonable."

Literally anyone normal: "Oh god, that's awful, what on earth did she do?!"

Him: "She wanted to allow our daughter to bring three toys with her on the plane."

Normal person: "And then..."

Him: "Well that's it."

Normal person: 😬 (internally: what the actual fuck is wrong with this nobber?)

Blondebakingmumma · 11/09/2023 23:02

Leave him home, you will have a more pleasurable holiday without him

Cornishclio · 11/09/2023 23:06

Sounds like he doesn't want to go on holiday and is picking a fight. Horrible man.

RantyAnty · 11/09/2023 23:23

Hope you told him, ok bye, and you and DD skipped off to your taxi without him.

I suspect this isn't a one off with him

Redlarge · 12/09/2023 10:39

Somethings up here. Its really resonating with me and my ex... kids dad. Like i said in my previous post where i thought he was embarrased to be seen as married man with kids. Hes up to something and his anxiety is thru the roof over it.
Are you likely to see anyone you know where you are holidaying and hes avoiding them?

ManateeFair · 12/09/2023 11:10

He sounds unhinged.

OP, did he go on the holiday or are you, your DD and her three soft toys having a lovely time without him?

ManateeFair · 12/09/2023 11:20

Ask your daughter why she wants 3. She's 7 now, she should be able to explain. Could you suggest you take 2 so she has one and a spare if she loses it taking it out for the day, and then buy her another one as a souvenir when she's on hol? My DD is a bit older and likes having them in her bed and if I explained we were short on luggage she would agree to take only 1 or 2.

None of this needs to happen, though, because they are not short on luggage space and the OP has explained that there is plenty of room in her DD's hand luggage for the three toys. It's a long haul flight and the child is only 7. There is no need to over-complicate anything by embarking on a complex negotiation over whether two soft toys would be acceptable because there is no practical reason why she can't take three. I mean, why have all that faffing over something so insignificant when it's not causing anyone any inconvenience whatsoever?

'Mummy, can I take these three?'
'Is there room for them all in your backpack?'
'Yes.'
'OK, that's fine then.'

No need for any questioning, negotiating, arguing or delving into the deep-seated psychological reasons for a 7-year-old wanting to take three things on a plane, because IT LITERALLY DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER.

pikkumyy77 · 12/09/2023 11:31

billy1966 · 11/09/2023 13:51

I think there is something going on you know nothing of.

Sounds like he doesn't want to go.

Your in an abusive relationship and that poor child of yours is to be pitied with such a moron as a father.

Protect your child from him.

I think this too. Things that make no sense always turn out to have a logic of their own. OP just doesn’t have enough information.

If he is always like this the chances are good he is an angry, controlling, abusive person who is agitated by the loss of control he experiences going out in public with wife and child or traviin unfamiliar settings. He is then taking out his anxiety on the most vulnerable member of the party (the child). He may also be subconsciously reliving struggles he had with his own parents and taking the abuser role.

Or: he has a mistress and wants to stay home so is starting a fight so he doesn’t have to go.

3luckystars · 12/09/2023 14:30

I’m dying to know what he has a problem with next.

’you gave me 3 pieces of ice in my drink, that is unacceptable, I could maybe have agreed to 1 cube, but 3!!!!’
‘what is the problem with 3 ice cubes’
‘I will not explain, I want a refund and am leaving the country due to embarrassment’

Original poster
Stressedmummy7 · 12/09/2023 22:42

DH insisted on staying at home over the soft toys, I think he’s being pathetic refusing to go on holiday over some soft toys! So it’s just me and DD who are on holiday and we are having such a good time!

OP posts:
Bruisername · 12/09/2023 22:42

Ok well there is something else going on. Forget him and enjoy your holiday!

Original poster
Stressedmummy7 · 12/09/2023 22:43

His mum messaged me today and asked why I had apparently told DH he can’t come on the holiday. So instead of telling people that he chose not to come over 3 soft toys, he is telling people that I apparently told him he couldn’t come!!

OP posts:
Bruisername · 12/09/2023 22:43

Did you set her straight?

ReadingSoManyThreads · 12/09/2023 22:49

"Your son is being untruthful to you MIL. He insisted on staying home because he said he was embarrassed that our 7 yr old packed 3 soft toys. Yes, you read that correctly."

Original poster
Stressedmummy7 · 12/09/2023 22:51

Bruisername · 12/09/2023 22:43

Did you set her straight?

Yes.

OP posts:
Bruisername · 12/09/2023 22:52

Well enjoy your break. I suspect you are going to need all your reserves to deal with whatever he is hiding when you are back

HarrietJet · 12/09/2023 22:53

Stressedmummy7 · 12/09/2023 22:43

His mum messaged me today and asked why I had apparently told DH he can’t come on the holiday. So instead of telling people that he chose not to come over 3 soft toys, he is telling people that I apparently told him he couldn’t come!!

Jumped the shark with this one, op.

StarbucksSmarterSister · 13/09/2023 01:05

Stressedmummy7 · 12/09/2023 22:51

Yes.

Show quote history

What did she say??

He sounds like a nutcase. Sorry.

RantyAnty · 13/09/2023 01:10

Stressedmummy7 · 12/09/2023 22:42

DH insisted on staying at home over the soft toys, I think he’s being pathetic refusing to go on holiday over some soft toys! So it’s just me and DD who are on holiday and we are having such a good time!

I'm so happy you and DD went without ol misery guts.

ChelseaGem · 13/09/2023 01:30

Hmmm, I wonder what the real reason is that he’s stayed at home? 🤨

Regardless, I hope you and DD and furry friends are having a fab time!

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