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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think DH is being unreasonable/making this difficult when it doesn’t need to be?

197 replies

Stressedmummy7 · 09/09/2023 22:14

We are going away on holiday (involving a long haul flight and DD wants to take the soft toys for on the plane) on Monday. DD wants to bring 3 soft toys in her backpack. DH is moaning and groaning saying she can only bring one, DH won’t stop going on about it. I personally think it’s fine for DD to take 3 as she knows she can’t have all 3 out at once and also her snacks etc go in my backpack normally so she will have room in hers for them. DH is trying to start an argument with me over and saying I’m “not being strict enough” with DD. Aibu to think DH is being unreasonable/making this more difficult than it needs to be?

OP posts:
Geppili · 10/09/2023 00:52

Control freak

Skyisbluegrassisgreen · 10/09/2023 00:56

My 9 year old couldn’t possibly leave one of her faves behind they’re best friends :(

Ohthatsabitshit · 10/09/2023 00:56

What is his concern?

midlifecrash · 10/09/2023 00:57

“I do not want my seven your old daughter to have three soft toys in her backpack because…. “

An actual reason has to go in here. Randomly saying “it’s embarrassing” is not a reason ( you might as well say “it’s frightening” or “it’s confusing” there needs to be an explanation.

Someoneonlyyouknow · 10/09/2023 01:17

33 might be unreasonable, 3 is not. Your daughter needs to carry and pack her own backpack, would actually be an idea to let her carry some of her own snacks. And she wants something to keep her amused on the journey as well as the soft toys.

Another person confused by you saying she would only have one out at a time

SquigglyGum · 10/09/2023 01:17

He's being so mean and bossy for literally no reason other than to exert some sort of power or dominance. Tell him he's being mean, and not acting in the best interests of his kid who wants them and it will not impact him whatsoever. Selfish and mean. Just tell him its happening and if he sulks, he sulks, just ignore it and have a lovely holiday

andyourpointiswhat · 10/09/2023 01:31

I’m torn between “so much luggage gets lost these days it’s sensible to take precious things in your carry on” and “with three items there is more chance of one getting put down and forgotten about”. At no point am I thinking “three cuddly toys is too many for a seven year old”. Tell your DH you are not talking about it any more, it’s his issue to deal with.

EliflurtleTripanInfinite · 10/09/2023 02:06

Seainasive · 09/09/2023 22:52

Sounds like my DH. It took me a few years to work out what’s going on. He gets stressed about packing/ travel and chooses something to pick a fight over. Every time! Baffles me how a fight would be a helpful way to distract from anxiety, but that’s definitely what he’s doing. I am no longer playing

It could be giving him the illusion of control. Anxiety can tend to fixate on something and you get it in your head that if you can make this one thing right everything else will fall in place. Anxiety also creates excess energy. Its not unusual to have anxiety come out as anger. Not that there's any excuse for the behaviour in an adult. DD behaves like this but she's a little kid.

Galiana · 10/09/2023 02:35

I don't believe this is the only incident of your husband being an absolute arse.

It never is.

Codlingmoths · 10/09/2023 02:40

Message him:
We will not discuss it further in the morning. It’s 3 soft toys for a 7yo. There is space - if we have to discuss something I will make it your inability to calculate volumes and what will work in packing. You keep saying it’s embarrassing but don’t seem to be able to articulate why- if we have to discuss something in the morning it will be your inability to use your words like an adult.I’d expect better of <Daughters name>. Snap out of this grump and STOP ruining our holiday before we’ve even started it or I will take 2 stuffed toys myself and carry them through the airport to support our child against her ridiculously strict for no reason whatsoever dad.

ThinWomansBrain · 10/09/2023 02:44

as long as one of them isn't a giant metre high teddy bear😂

TawnyLarue · 10/09/2023 02:48

I kind of get it.

I have a soft toy-obsessed 9 year old. She wanted to take as many of them as she could fit into her travel bag when we went away this year. Basically one extra bag, full of teddies, for me to worry about, on top of all the other shite. And she’s forgetful as anything so there was a very decent chance of her leaving the bag somewhere and then we would never have heard the end of it.

I talked her into just taking her two favourites in the end.

Aquamarine1029 · 10/09/2023 03:00

It takes two to argue, op, so stop arguing. Tell him the conversation is over, and she can take three toys.

If I could write a list of ten things to be wary of when dating a man, not talking about their childhood would be near the top of the list.

RantyAnty · 10/09/2023 03:09

How would he even know how many she's taking?

Brightandshining · 10/09/2023 03:10

Your child should be allowed to take the toys they want that will fit in their bag once everything is packed. That's my rule. So they can fill the space left with whatever they like (as long as its OK to go thru airport security and doesn't make loud noises or lights that will annoy people on the plane)

Very strange your DH Wants to be this controlling about it

Topseyt123 · 10/09/2023 03:39

Codlingmoths · 10/09/2023 02:40

Message him:
We will not discuss it further in the morning. It’s 3 soft toys for a 7yo. There is space - if we have to discuss something I will make it your inability to calculate volumes and what will work in packing. You keep saying it’s embarrassing but don’t seem to be able to articulate why- if we have to discuss something in the morning it will be your inability to use your words like an adult.I’d expect better of <Daughters name>. Snap out of this grump and STOP ruining our holiday before we’ve even started it or I will take 2 stuffed toys myself and carry them through the airport to support our child against her ridiculously strict for no reason whatsoever dad.

This is certainly the type of response I would give him.

Beyond that I would ignore him as much as possible and make sure the toys were in DD's bag. If/when he began to whinge about it again I would just tell him to shut the fuck up.

It isn't unreasonable for DD to carry 3 soft toys in her own cabin bag. It IS unreasonable for him to be a dick about it. He sounds very up his own arse.

PaminaMozart · 10/09/2023 03:52

Weddingblues23 · 10/09/2023 00:34

Doesn't talk about his childhood... Thinks it's embarrassing to have teddies... Tells you that you have to 'get strict' with 7 year old daughter... Dogmatically sticking to his batshittery... I wonder if his family were a bit oldschool/victorian and shamed him for liking teddies and it is a bit of an irrational button for him now?

This occurred to me as well.

Plus he seems unable to communicate in any meaningful way.

I'm also wondering whether this incident may be the top of a large iceberg...

HoppingPavlova · 10/09/2023 04:16

I wouldn’t find it at all embarrassing but would not let a child take 3. Basically, space is at a premium these days with limits and it’s essentially only, particularly if by doing this you can avoid checked with potential of missing bags at the other end. I would never let a child put a loved toy in checked baggage as that’s asking for heartache if bag goes missing. I wouldn’t let them take 3 as carry on as I’d be forever trying g to keep track and make sure all 3 are still with us at all times, that’s stressful and you don’t need extra stress with flights. I’d allow 1 of a modest size in carry on and it wouldn’t leave that bag from the time we left home until we arrived at accom at the other end. Not worth the heartache all round if left in the plane, or in an airplane toilet, or a cab etc.

exclusion · 10/09/2023 04:24

It will be more embarrassing if she kicks off on the plane because she's bored!

Notmytotoro · 10/09/2023 04:28

Stressedmummy7 · 09/09/2023 22:17

@SevenOhOne he’s ranting on about their being no space etc for her to take 3 but there is. He’s also moaning that it “might be embarrassing a little” but he won’t give any detail on why he thinks it will be embarrassing.

How old is she? Is she a 40 year old grown up woman? Why he thinks is embarrassing for a child bring soft toys?

Redlarge · 10/09/2023 04:31

This kind of reninds me of my ex, kids dad. He wouldnt want anything that would mean he had to take responsibility in any way... eg carrying it for her.
He also on reflection wouldnt want anything that identified him as being a dad/not single and available. Like straight away I thought he would be very concerned about what he might look like to other females, cabin crew covered in toys, rather than in his head people could perceive that he wasnt with us if that makes sense.

Mummadeze · 10/09/2023 04:39

I let my DD take 7 once. Seemed a bit nuts but not a hill to die on. Holidays are meant to be fun. Poor you having to deal with him. Please don’t give in though.

k1233 · 10/09/2023 05:11

I'd push the point and make him say why she can't take three. Because I say, is not a reason, embarassing is not a reason. Keep asking and "why is that?" It's not about you being strict or not. What is the issue or risk of taking three toys. Once he says the issue, you can discuss. Until that point, there is nothing to discuss as because I say is not a reason.

rainbowstardrops · 10/09/2023 05:28

Are they three great big giant fairground teddies or something?!!!
Because if they're not and they all fit in her backpack then why on earth can't she take them?!

sashh · 10/09/2023 05:34

I think you don't have room on the plane for him.