To think DH is being unreasonable/making this difficult when it doesn’t need to be?

[Stressedmummy7]

We are going away on holiday (involving a long haul flight and DD wants to take the soft toys for on the plane) on Monday. DD wants to bring 3 soft toys in her backpack. DH is moaning and groaning saying she can only bring one, DH won’t stop going on about it. I personally think it’s fine for DD to take 3 as she knows she can’t have all 3 out at once and also her snacks etc go in my backpack normally so she will have room in hers for them. DH is trying to start an argument with me over and saying I’m “not being strict enough” with DD. Aibu to think DH is being unreasonable/making this more difficult than it needs to be?

He sounds like an awful bully.

Is he?

Your poor daughter if this is his normal behaviour.

Are you happily married or is this a snapshot of your life?

If it is, it is an awful environment for your child.

His behaviour is not normal.

Make no mistake about that.

Not normal.

A decent father would be focused on his child being comfortable for the long flight, not upsetting the house over a few toys to keep her amused.

I certainly wouldn't want to be going on holiday with him if this is how he behaves.

Is he jealous that dd has 3 teddies and his dad didn't let him have any? Will he calm down if you buy him one and put it in his cabin luggage?

I'm in my 60's. My father used to find something to be mad about and start a verbal argument with my DM about, before every holiday (2 weeks in England, in August, every year) and every Christmas. He also started arguments about once a month throughout the year. As far as I know he never physically hurt my DM, and he "only" slapped me once. That was a slap on my face about something I said to him when we were waiting for a ferry in Belgium back to England - that was the only time we went abroad together - I was 13. I have no recollection about what I said to him, but presumably something he thought was 'cheeky'. I was an exceptionally well behaved child until the age of 16, and would not have been knowingly rude to him.

I did not openly rebel as a teenager, but between the ages of 16 to 18 I would lie to my parents about what I got up to with my then boyfriend, who I later married. I married him when I was 18, which I suspect now was at least partially to escape from home as soon as possible, although I was 'totally in love' with my DH. My parents both agreed to me marrying him, and my Dad paid for the wedding, as was usual in those days. My first husband was nothing like my father.

Sorry @Stressedmummy7 I have digressed far too much. I just wanted you to know that those arguments my Dad started, on one pretext or another, ruined my childhood, and left me with a massive inferiority complex, amongst other - still not fully acknowledged (by me) - mental health problems. I have only began to understand any of it in the last few years since my father died. Your husband is hopefully no-where near as bad as my father was, and your DD hopefully takes after you, as you sound like a well balanced, loving, and intelligent human being, but please OP take action now, as you don't want to let your husband have any chance of screwing up your DD's life, or yours (I hope that I am just projecting here, and that your husband is "only" an idiot, and nothing more sinister).

However, imo you should either end the marriage now - as at the very least he is trying to be very controlling - or insist that your husband agrees to get a lot of in-depth counselling for himself. At the moment your DD is almost certainly young enough to not remember, and therefore to not start dreading, every holiday, and every Christmas, as I did - for as far back as I can remember. As I at last finish this post, may I leave you with an example of one of the apparent causes of my father's monthly arguments with my SAHM? She had "let" the fire go out...

Gosh, the things people get into fuss about is amazing. It's almost like you have been tasked with having a problem and this is the best you could come up with. It's ridiculous. Just put the toys in and maybe rethink your relationship if this is the level of petty you are living with.

This sounds right. He's anxious, but is so out of touch with his own emotions that he doesn't really know what he's anxious about - so it works its way out in a fixation on the wrong thing.

As for his embarrassment? What he's actually afraid of being embarrassed about is the possibility of losing the argument with you and having to back down, and feel humiliated every time DD pulls out a cuddly toy.

Agree, I was going to vote YANBU until I got to the second part about only having one out at a time. Both parents trying to control the child in their own way.

I was waiting for the drip feed where the DD was 37 or something!

You're both a bit nuts with a 7yo - take 3 small ones and let her have them out together if she wants. If they're on the larger side, maybe 1 or 2 in the cabin and the other in hold baggage.

Or is he objecting because she's already got a suitcase full going in the hold?

This will be a fun holiday!!

Dreading the morning as when he went off to bed in a mood he said “we can finish discussing this in the morning”.

Translates as "I know I'm losing this argument and sounding like a dick, but with any luck I'll have thought up some sort of reasons for what I'm saying overnight".

Don’t engage with your H’s immaturity. A seven year old wanting to bring three soft toys isn’t embarrassment, a grown man not being able to articulate why he thinks it’s embarrassing, is.

DD 16 took two soft toys to Thailand with her, no problem. However, I was annoyed by the four books which took up nearly all her cabin allowance, grrr. She won’t countenance an e-reader.

Does he have a secret drug stash in one of them and doesn't want to be 'embarrassed' when she gets pulled up for it?
I'd be tempted to tell him 'ok, you win, she'll only take one' and just see what happens then. If he picks a fight about something else then you've got even more of a problem than you first thought. (And would probably let her take all three anyway as she could just pack them when you weren't looking, couldn't she? Or would he go off on one at your DD?)

Tell him you're reserving your strictness for where it's needed, i.e. in telling him to stop wasting everyone's time with this pointless issue.

I used to take about 20 with me in the car when we went camping. Then when we went on a plane I still had a bag full of them. My 4 year old recently packed his entire backpack for his holidays full of spare pants (even though we already had more than enough in the suitcase) and random household items that he never once looked at during the 5 week trip. They weren’t heavy, so I just let him get on with it. Your husband is making a fuss about nothing

I'd have thought on a long haul flight you'd want your DD to have toys to entertain her. If there's room in her bag it's none of his business.

Make sure to sit next to her on the flight. Your DH is a Victor Meldrew...

When we went away this summer we only allowed my daughter to take one soft toy on the plane. It wasn't the number of toys we were strict on - we'd have been fine with several smaller toys - but the space in her bag really was very limited and her current favourite toy, which absolutely had to come, is relatively large.

We were packing for a fortnight with hand luggage only as last time we flew this route our suitcases in the hold didn't make it. We change planes at an airport that's notorious for losing cases, and have a short connection time.

For your trip, if there's room in the case why not let her bring a few toys? Your husband's complaint that this would be "embarrassing" is, frankly, embarrassing. Maybe he'd be embarrassed to take a cuddly toy on a business trip on his own, but whoever will think less of a child (or their parent) for having a few soft toys? Weird.

So he’s made up an arbitrary rule and now everyone has to bow down to it. Is he always this controlling? Sounds like you are anxious to the point where you think it’s normal to say she can only play with one at a time - does that come from him too?!

don’t let him screw up your daughter, either he gets counselling or you take her out of this damaging environment.

This morning when he starts reply

"I don't want to discuss our child and her wanting to take 3 soft toys in a backpack. I want to discuss why you - an adult - is so overly focussed on her not doing it and can't give any valid reason. And unless you do we'll solve the problem as we won't be going with you"

I don't agree with his behaviour. But it is extremely odd and if it's out of character - and he's not normally generally an arse - then you won't move on until he addresses it and acknowledges it or you find out the route cause.

This isn't something worth an argument about. So what's his actual problem, why is he in such a bad mood or is he always like this?

Embrace your inner 3 year old and every stupid rule he comes up with (and the justification) just go “why?”

Poor DD. It's a security thing with kids. My two always have to take a toy with them when we go somewhere. Even if it's just to the local shop. I think cleverer people than me could probably explain the psychology behind it.

I think you need to repeatedly ask him what impact having three toys will have on him personally. Don't let up until he explains or realizes he's being a dick.

Sounds ok if they are quite small.

What embarrassing is his attitude. If they are in your DDs backpack and not taking up precious luggage space what's the problem? Good luck on your holiday OP, he sounds like a right knob.

If you read any articles about how to keep kids entertained on a long haul flight the recommendation is to have a different toy/activity for them to have for every hour of the flight to keep them occupied and not get bored. At 7 they will be able to watch a film or 2 but how else is your DH expecting her to stay entertained? What else is going in her bag? 3 small soft toys sounds very reasonable, I'd be packing those plus colouring pencils/pad, stickers books, reading book, a game or activity and a load of snacks. Is he planning on refusing those types of things from her bag too? Maybe structure today's conversation around the overall flight and what she needs to make that as easy as you all and agree a set number of total items DD can chose overall, give her responsibility to chose what she wants and then respect that.

If there’s space, take them, if not, choose two of three to give little one a feeling of control and choice. Opportunity to take care of her own things and have a lovely hol. Why is he power tripping? “Strict” is not a thing.

Does he often have problems communicating and just shout and argue instead without listening ?

Step back and really look at what he is doing. It’s not about the toys at all, he is freaking out about something and focusing on this for some reason.