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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To have toddler at dog euthanasia

239 replies

Mr85 · 09/09/2023 22:07

Our dog is now approaching the end and it won't be long until we have to make the call we all dread 😔

Our 3.5 year old son knows what death is. My wife recently lost her grandfather, who he knew a little, but didn't attend the funeral. He did attend my Nan's burial, although he never met her, and acted impecebally.

We've explained that the dog is ill, might not get better and may soon die. When he heard this he teared up and gave him a hug saying he didn't want him to die and he'll miss him so we know he understands what is going to happen.

My wife and I have slightly conflicting views but which are close enough that we could do either with the others blessing. I think our son should be there as he is part of the pack/family and it's a part of life. My wife thinks he is a little too young and it might cause him too much additional upset.

We've already decided what to do as, let's face it, using MN to make big life decisions is not the best idea. I'm just curious as to what everybody thinks.

I think our 3.5 year old son should be there: AIBU?

OP posts:
ShippingNews · 10/09/2023 04:47

Nopenopenopenopenopenope · 09/09/2023 22:16

My argument against it is that it might give them false expectations of what death is. Death isn't usually as kind as euthanasia.

I agree. Death is rarely like this - so I wouldn't want my 3 year old to get the idea that it is. No way would I take a child to see euthanasia being done.

Gordon23 · 10/09/2023 05:01

Oh FGS - of course your poor 3 year old shouldn't be there. You could explain what's happening without them being traumatised by seeing it! It feels like you're making this very sad situation far more unnecessarily complicated than it has to be.

ErniesGhostlyGoldTops · 10/09/2023 06:00

I'm a vet nurse and if you tried this, I would be really pissed off.

The child is likely to be distressed and the dog would pick up on that.

I think you are being utterly ridiculous and this is peak performance parenting - sorry.

Turquioseblue · 10/09/2023 06:06

Pawpawpatrol · 09/09/2023 22:30

I don't think it is a good idea. We recently had dog PTS and whilst we had fully come to terms with the decision and felt like we'd done a lot of the grieving in advance, and the actual death was very peaceful and straightforward... Watching the lights actually go out and having been the ones to make that happen by organising it all was really emotional, conflicting and sort of shocking... Though we 100% knew it was the right decision and nothing happened that we didn't expect to. A toddler isn't going to know or understand those things so I think they may find it much more distressing.

I also think explaining death to a toddler is one thing, explaining euthanasia quite another. We explained to our toddler that dog had died because he was very sick, we never had to explain we arranged for him to be killed on a particular day and I think that would potentially be too much to understand and take in, quite confusing and/or frightening and not necessary or beneficial to a toddler. However, I'm not sure if it was witnessed how you explain the context of the death without having to explain euthanasia.

I think understanding that a loved one has died doesn't have to or even usually involve seeing them actually die or seeing the corpse. So not sure what you would be teaching or preparing LO for.

Not being present at PTS and not seeing dog's body hasn't prevented our toddler from understanding, processing the death or us from expressing emotions openly with one another as a family.

Absolutely this!

momonpurpose · 10/09/2023 06:10

NalafromtheLionKing · 09/09/2023 22:13

Seconding this.

Show quote history

I agree this is ridiculous

momonpurpose · 10/09/2023 06:11

MMAMPWGHAP · 09/09/2023 22:36

I don’t know much about dogs but I presume this would be an injection. How’s that going to square with the next time your child needs an injection?

Spot on!

olympicsrock · 10/09/2023 06:28

Wow - OP have you considered before that you are very much outside the curve of ‘normal’ thinking and behaviour.

Do not risk traumatizing your child with what may be very distressing.

Also have you considered how inappropriate it is to call a poster who is sharing a very distressing memory to protect your child ‘disgraceful’ . They knew that the toddler might be distressed and knew that the animal would be very cared for professionals with a nurse stroking him etc. Yes in an ideal world the child would have been left at home but they chose the best of two difficult options.

A moment of reflection for the benefit of your child

JMSA · 10/09/2023 06:39

God, no. Jesus. What kind of parent are you.

iloveeverykindofcat · 10/09/2023 06:41

Even as an adult I found the last euthanasia of a (family) dog I attended difficult. Of course we kept it together to hold him and stroke him as he passed, but I cried my eyes out immediately afterwards. Also his body expelled air after he was gone - of course I knew what it was, logically, but seeing him appear to 'breathe' after the vet declared him gone was really difficult and unsettling.

ittakes2 · 10/09/2023 06:53

He is too impressionable - he's going to start worrying about this happening to others he loves. Daddy is feeling sick - mummy is the doctor going to put him to sleep like the vet did the dog? Its a firm no from me.

Enderunicorn · 10/09/2023 06:55

I think only you know your son and if it's best.
My son was only 2 so maybe not quite as much understanding but yes had him
there with us at vet for cat euthanasia.
It hadn't really occurred to me not to have him there and the vet didn't seem to think it was anything out of the ordinary. It was v peaceful and he said his goodbyes and gave the cat cuddles.

Washbasketcase · 10/09/2023 06:58

Not even sure about the suggestions of the child just seeing the body afterwards either - for me, that was the very worse part of an otherwise perfect, peaceful euthanasia - finished crying, making small talk and thanking the vet, heading out of the consulting room and then looking back to see a familiar, but dead dog lying there alone on the floor.

Witchcraftandhokum · 10/09/2023 06:59

No. This is not about your son, it's about your dog being calm while this is happening.

CurlewKate · 10/09/2023 07:02

Absolutely not.

ColleenDonaghy · 10/09/2023 07:09

MoxieFox · 09/09/2023 22:23

Our 3.5 year old son knows what death is.

He can’t. He’s too young to really know the permanence of it or that everyone and everything dies. Don’t have him present to watch the family dog actually die in front of his eyes. He’s too young to understand euthanasia as a mercy.

Another one backing this up. My eldest has known about death since she lost a grandparent at 2. She's 5 now and just about "gets" it but we still get lots of questions and she certainly didn't get it at all at 3.5.

Please please please don't do this.

Casiotoad · 10/09/2023 07:12

I think some of the responses are a little harsh, I can see why this is a hard decision.

however I’m with the other commenters, it’s not a good idea. Let him remember doggo alive and have his last hugs. If he’s there he will be focused on the act not the saying goodbye, I don’t think kids can separate that.

owners should absolutely always attend but it’s not a nice thing and that’s your responsibility to bear not your kids

sorry, I hope all goes smoothly when the time comes

Casiotoad · 10/09/2023 07:13

Washbasketcase · 10/09/2023 06:58

Not even sure about the suggestions of the child just seeing the body afterwards either - for me, that was the very worse part of an otherwise perfect, peaceful euthanasia - finished crying, making small talk and thanking the vet, heading out of the consulting room and then looking back to see a familiar, but dead dog lying there alone on the floor.

Yes same for me! The injection is quite peaceful but seeing them afterwards stays with you.

WillowCraft · 10/09/2023 07:17

Don't do it. it's traumatic for your son - he is too young to understand and it's more likely to give him a fear of vets or even doctors.
It's traumatic for the dog if your child gets upset. You will have to focus on your child rather than your dog.
It's traumatic for the child if you get upset
You don't know how it will go - it's not always peaceful.

I would just tell him the dog has died and and answer questions in an age appropriate way.

Having seen children present at euthanasia it never ends well. They either scream and cry, upsetting everyone, or they misbehave, distracting the vet and parent, or they have to be taken out halfway through, or in one extreme case the child was so upset they vomited profusely.

Remember the dog does not know what is happening so it's best to stay calm . If the choice is between having a 3 year old present with parent, or having neither, I would choose neither.

PollyPut · 10/09/2023 07:19

@Mr85 I think this is really unreasonable.

I'm also going to assume that the dog would be euthanised by injection - I'm not sure how else it might be done. Have you considered that if toddler sees dog injected and then they die, your child might develop a fear of needles/injections? They will have to have several immunisations themselves - one in the next year before they start school. At secondary school they have several on their own without their parent. These are traumatising enough for many families.

Don't do anything that might terrify your child around the use of medical needles (or possibly give them a fear of medical professionals)

Nephthys21 · 10/09/2023 07:21

We took our 4 year old to the vet to say goodbye to our cat, who had already been admitted so wasn't home when we realised he wasn't going to get better. He didn't stay for the actual process, my husband took him to the waiting room, but we did let him give our boy a kiss and cuddle and say goodbye.

RunningFromInsanity · 10/09/2023 07:23

Can a family member have him out the room whilst it’s actually happening, and then bring him in to say goodbye once it’s over?

MariaVT65 · 10/09/2023 07:24

YABU.

As a previous dog owner, and someone who cried buckets at that scene in Marley and Me, I’d say this is even traumatic for an adult. Please don’t let your 3 year old be there. They have a lot of potential to be affected by it.

Bubop · 10/09/2023 07:26

I wouldn’t. Even without considering your DC’s feelings, I don’t think it’s fair on your dog.

What if DC gets upset? You’re naturally going to comfort your child, but your dog deserves your full attention during his last moments (and if he’s anything like my dog, he would want to get to DC to soothe them which could add unnecessary stress).

Do something lovely to remember your dog with DC instead Flowers

PostOpOp · 10/09/2023 07:49

My cat was PTS when DC were the age of yours. It was at home (nothing like the repetitive injections mentioned above and he lay in my arms) and was extremely sad but beautiful, if that's right to say.

DC came home from daycare/school and saw the cat's body. I'd put some flowers around his body. The 3 year old didn't really think much, just saw him, came close looked. And said bye bye. 5 year old rearranged flowers, patted him and spent some time with him. Both later drew a picture to be "buried" with him (he was cremated..) and dictated a little letter of goodbye to him that went with him in his box.

Neither were traumatised and both did what they wanted. I didn't make them see the body, I told them he was upstairs and he'd left his body, it was cold and they could see it if they wanted. They did but DC3 was less interested so that was that.

No WAY would it have been good for them to be there during the death, because I howled afterwards. I needed time to be with our pet, then time to get myself together so I was able to be there for the kids.

JussathoB · 10/09/2023 07:56

IMO it would be absolutely wrong to have your child present. It is traumatic. it will be bad enough coping with the grief of losing a much loved pet, even if it is ‘part of life’.
Most people seek to protect their very young children from traumatic events.