To have toddler at dog euthanasia

[Mr85]

Our dog is now approaching the end and it won't be long until we have to make the call we all dread 😔

Our 3.5 year old son knows what death is. My wife recently lost her grandfather, who he knew a little, but didn't attend the funeral. He did attend my Nan's burial, although he never met her, and acted impecebally.

We've explained that the dog is ill, might not get better and may soon die. When he heard this he teared up and gave him a hug saying he didn't want him to die and he'll miss him so we know he understands what is going to happen.

My wife and I have slightly conflicting views but which are close enough that we could do either with the others blessing. I think our son should be there as he is part of the pack/family and it's a part of life. My wife thinks he is a little too young and it might cause him too much additional upset.

We've already decided what to do as, let's face it, using MN to make big life decisions is not the best idea. I'm just curious as to what everybody thinks.

I think our 3.5 year old son should be there: AIBU?

Thank you so much for this. Provided you are correct then this alone has made this whole thread worthwhile as we wouldn't have known to even ask about such things. It's grim but I'm going to have to do some reading.

No animal knows it is going to be PTS. My dog is in bits when I drop her off for routine things at the vets. I get awful looks, and I get told she hates the whole experience... even if it is something that is beneficial for her.

Good Christ No.

very sorry about your dog though

In that particular situation, I think the poster made a very hard choice, but on balance, the right one, @Mummyoflittledragon. The only other option would have been to have her two-year old actually witness the dog’s distress and death.

Of course the owner should be with their beloved pet at that point, if it is possible - but in this case, it simply wasn’t, and I don’t think the poster should be guilt tripped for the choice she had to make.

@Mr85 - I really hope you aren’t just looking for posts that support your plan, though your comment that a somewhat positive post was the sort of answer you were looking for, speaks volumes.

I honestly can see no benefit to your child to be there while the dog is out to sleep - it could be very traumatic for them - and you might end up having to deal with a very upset child at just the point where your dog needs your sole focus the most. Plus you would also have to control your emotions at a time when you probably need and want to be able to express them.

And even if you do take your child out if they become upset, the damage would already be done.

Jesus Christ no. It doesn't always go smoothly and quietly

If you want your child to start panicking about people falling asleep, yeah, sure, why not?

stupid idea really, let your child remember the dog as it was, it will be already hard for your child to lose the dog, losing him in front of his eyes and remembering passing away May even be traumatic for him. Not all dogs euthanised die “peacefully”.

This has got to be a wind up.....of course he shouldn't be there!

My son who is 4 came with me to PTS our dog that took a turn for the worse. The vet was wonderful explaining to him in a child appropriate way what was happening. Our dog passed quickly and peacefully with her family by her side.
He then came with me a few weeks after to collect her ashes from the vets and wanted to carry them home.

He is not traumatised by the experience. We have a new puppy now and he still happily comes to the vets with us.

At the end of the day, you know your child best, and you should know how you will react. How you conduct yourself makes a huge difference. I’m sure if I was behaving like a neurotic mess bawling my eyes out he’d have picked up on that and had a much more negative experience. Everyone was calm and composed, so he was too.

The point is that you don't know it will go like that though? You got lucky.

You can’t live your life in fear of what ifs

Bloody hell, no not under any circumstances. You need to be there for your dog, not for your 3 year old you don’t know how they will react and could really upset them.

And when you say your child “knows what death is” no, they really do not understand death when they are 3.

No, but you should live to spare your kids from that kind of shit, lets be real.

I have witnessed half a dozen animals being euthanized at the vets (1 hamster, 2 cats and 3 dogs) and all went peacefully. Maybe I have been lucky but even the cat in great distress was given an injection which immediately calmed her before the fatal injection.

My last dog wasn't brought round from surgery when we realised how far his tumours had spread. Despite sitting with him for sometime afterwards I found his death harder than the ones where I actually witnessed.

I don't think children (even 3 year olds) need to be 'protected' from the truths of life and death but I do think you don't know exactly how you will respond. Your child will cope with seeing you sad, but maybe not distressed

Nah, I’d rather have a well adjusted child that has a basic understanding of life and death than a molycoddled smothered one. Children the world over experience far more disturbing shit than seeing their dog peacefully die.

So you shouldn’t consider what-ifs when thinking about whether to take a toddler to a euthanasia?!

What exactly do you think you would lose by the toddler NOT being there?

Do you feel good about this post OP, trying to making a poster who is taking the time to reply to your question feel like shit about how their experience was? Why would you post this?!

You can really tell who’s been at a bad PTS and who hasn’t in this thread.

Ive been at two and both were horrible. The dog was so far gone, he was basically a limp shell. I don’t know where he got the strength to fight it but he fought like hell. I was 16 and mum couldn’t bring herself to take him so I did and I’ll never get over it - like, it’s fine, Im not broken as a person but it was fucking traumatic and not peaceful and not nice for him. So there’s that.

Cat was different, she also fought but the bad part of that was how I was about it cos she was my wee babe. Im not sure I would’ve wanted my kid to see me how I was as that was happening, I think that would’ve been quite upsetting for them, more so than the PTS bit.

would def say given either of these possibilities, having a pair of hands to hand your son off to last minute if things don’t go to the ideal plan would be wise. And I don’t really see any benefit to him being there other than, as a pp said, you get to tell the family story about it. Not sure that’s worth it

As to why I've posted this. It's not so that I can prove I'm right (or wrong). A reasonable person should always be willing to change what they think and admit that they are wrong.

My wife has full access to my phone and I asked her to read the OP before I posted it as sharing this kind of thing with strangers on the internet is not something we would normally do, and it involves her.

Some of the responses have been genuinely helpful so I'm glad I did it.

As others have said, it’s not always peaceful when done at home, or at the vets. You just never know. I won’t go into detail but I still cry and feel guilt when I think back on a couple of euthanasia experiences even though they were done with the best intentions. They aren’t the kind of memories you want for your child although I appreciate why you have considered it.

Even the most precocious of 3 year olds are unable to understand death as a permanent cessation of life- and this wouldn’t go anyway to explaining it.

Children learn about death by the absence of the loved one - not by watching death occur.

Not to mention how unfair this would be on your DDog - you need to be 100% focused on DDog in the run up and during the euthanasia process.

God no, not a 3 year old. Even my husband and teenagers found it shocking because they weren’t expecting our old boy to fall so abruptly. The process of euthanasia can be very distressing for the owners on top of the distress of the pet’s death, even though it’s painless for the pet and they aren’t aware. You need to be there as a calm, strong, loving adult presence for your dog at the end. This isn’t about your child being a pack member ffs. Your family isn’t a wolf pack.

Your son understands that the dog will die and he won’t see him again. That’s enough.

You should be doing what is best in the dog's interests, not your 3.5 year old's. His departure and passing should be calm, quiet and stress free. You cannot guarantee that with a small child in tow.

I have had pets all my life and have been present at 3 euthanasias (the others were taken by parents or died naturally at home). One of them was actively unpeaceful (my cat was terrified of the vet and jumped down from the table despite no longer being able to walk, he had no nurse and I had to catch her and bring her back to the table). The most recent was in June. It was my dog; he had been losing weight for weeks, lots of tests had been done but were inconclusive, he was also getting to an age where they find it hard to keep weight on. As it turned out, it was a very fast developing cancer; he went from limping slightly on the Friday afternoon to tentative diagnosis on the Saturday to dying at 5am on the Monday. Even though it was "peaceful" (quick, kind, over very quickly), I had to carry him to the car, he had to travel half an hour to the emergency vet, he was obviously in pain, he hated injections and flinched when the needle went in, he had wet himself on the floor because he couldn't stand. Overall it was devastating. I was in absolute bits, doing everything I could to hold it together for my dog. I could not have managed my child's emotions on top of my own. My child is nearly 6 and it didn't even occur to me to take her because I knew that these things can be chaotic and stressful for the dog. But I explained it to her beforehand and talked it through with her again afterwards as many times as she needed.

If I had had to take my child with me (eg because I did not have childcare - my dog was in extremis and I had been up with him all night before deciding at 4am that I could not wait for the confirmatory scan that was booked for 12pm), I would not have taken her into the room. If there was no one there who was willing to mind her, I would have sat outside with her rather than take her in. Out of hours, my vet is literally the vet himself plus the nurse, both needed for clinic euthanasia: no receptionist.

I would not have appreciated being told that I had abandoned my dog by a bunch of strangers on the internet because I had not spelt out that the only alternative to sitting outside would have been to take my child in.

Someone should be there for the dog. As long as one person willing to be there to support the dog then the rest are optional. I would not be having a 3 year old there unless you and wife both desperate to attend and no alternative childcare.

There is no benefit to the dog or the child.

Children do not need to know absolutely everything and definitely don’t need to be involved in everything.