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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To have toddler at dog euthanasia

239 replies

Mr85 · 09/09/2023 22:07

Our dog is now approaching the end and it won't be long until we have to make the call we all dread 😔

Our 3.5 year old son knows what death is. My wife recently lost her grandfather, who he knew a little, but didn't attend the funeral. He did attend my Nan's burial, although he never met her, and acted impecebally.

We've explained that the dog is ill, might not get better and may soon die. When he heard this he teared up and gave him a hug saying he didn't want him to die and he'll miss him so we know he understands what is going to happen.

My wife and I have slightly conflicting views but which are close enough that we could do either with the others blessing. I think our son should be there as he is part of the pack/family and it's a part of life. My wife thinks he is a little too young and it might cause him too much additional upset.

We've already decided what to do as, let's face it, using MN to make big life decisions is not the best idea. I'm just curious as to what everybody thinks.

I think our 3.5 year old son should be there: AIBU?

OP posts:
Original poster
Mr85 · 09/09/2023 22:25

PrrrplePineapple · 09/09/2023 22:09

Depends where and how. If you call the vet out to your home so your dog gets to go in a relaxed environment with his family around him to keep him calm and not terrified in a vet clinic, then yes. If you're taking the dog to a vet clinic to die, then no (and also please reconsider, because what a stressful way for a loved dog to go).

Sorry I forgot to mention that. It will absolutely be at home

OP posts:
Pancakewaffle · 09/09/2023 22:25

Shouldbehoovering · 09/09/2023 22:17

My son was there when we had our dog put down. He was about 18kg months old and the dog was out down at home (by the vet). He was very attached to the dog, but just came and gave her hug and toddler off again. I have no regrets about him being there. I also don’t remember him being at all affected by us all bawling your eyes out.

An 18MO is totally different to a 3.5YO

Tracker1234 · 09/09/2023 22:26

What a daft idea! Why do you want him there?

Calmestofallthechickens · 09/09/2023 22:26

I’m a vet, and a parent of a 3 and a 5 year old. I wouldn’t have my kids present if our pet was being euthanised; I would explain the process to them, allow them to say goodbye, let them be sad and feel their feelings about the loss of the pet, and bring back a fur clipping/paw print - but I don’t think actually seeing the moment of death is something they need. I’d rather they have positive memories of the pet’s life than (potentially negative) memories of the death. I know children can be matter of fact about the concept of dying, but I think seeing their beloved pet die might be very distressing.

From a professional point of view, I’ve never actually had a toddler present when performing euthanasia - I’ve had kids of about 8 upwards, and to be honest a large proportion of those have left the room before the actual moment. If you do decide to have your child present, I’d encourage you to discuss it with the vet beforehand (ie what language would you like them to use, is the dog going to ‘heaven’ etc) and to be prepared that one parent might need to take him out of the room if he is finding it too upsetting. There are some services that do at-home euthanasia, which I would consider - it can be a lot more relaxed all round in a familiar place.

LessYappingMoreDoing · 09/09/2023 22:26

I hope the vet insists one of you takes the child out.
You would be doing it for your own ‘well of course little Johnny was there when Rover was PTS’ retelling and not for your sons benefit.

Vallmo47 · 09/09/2023 22:29

YABVVU.

Pawpawpatrol · 09/09/2023 22:30

I don't think it is a good idea. We recently had dog PTS and whilst we had fully come to terms with the decision and felt like we'd done a lot of the grieving in advance, and the actual death was very peaceful and straightforward... Watching the lights actually go out and having been the ones to make that happen by organising it all was really emotional, conflicting and sort of shocking... Though we 100% knew it was the right decision and nothing happened that we didn't expect to. A toddler isn't going to know or understand those things so I think they may find it much more distressing.

I also think explaining death to a toddler is one thing, explaining euthanasia quite another. We explained to our toddler that dog had died because he was very sick, we never had to explain we arranged for him to be killed on a particular day and I think that would potentially be too much to understand and take in, quite confusing and/or frightening and not necessary or beneficial to a toddler. However, I'm not sure if it was witnessed how you explain the context of the death without having to explain euthanasia.

I think understanding that a loved one has died doesn't have to or even usually involve seeing them actually die or seeing the corpse. So not sure what you would be teaching or preparing LO for.

Not being present at PTS and not seeing dog's body hasn't prevented our toddler from understanding, processing the death or us from expressing emotions openly with one another as a family.

User23452 · 09/09/2023 22:31

Good god no. I had my ddog keel over at home when my dc were 5 and 9 and it was terrible and distressing. When our cat had to be pts they said goodbye before and weren’t there.

nobody, nobody needs more memories of beloved pets and people dying than they have to carry with them.

If you think it’s going to be a nice moment can only think you don’t have that much life experience.

SarahAndQuack · 09/09/2023 22:31

No, I wouldn't. I think what you are perhaps thinking of with this suggestion, is your child being able to say a proper goodbye. I do think, for a child, seeing the dog's body at peace and saying goodbye is healthy.

BravoMyDear · 09/09/2023 22:32

Don’t be ridiculous!

SarahAndQuack · 09/09/2023 22:35

*nobody, nobody needs more memories of beloved pets and people dying than they have to carry with them.

If you think it’s going to be a nice moment can only think you don’t have that much life experience.*

I do think the OP's suggestion is wrong, but I think this sort of response is too. Many people feel traumatised if a pet or a person close to them dies, and they're not able to process that grief by witnessing the death. It's not stupid to ask whether or not a child should be included. If it were a situation where a beloved pet was sure to pass away peacefully, I'd say yes. Witnessing a 'good' death is not a bad memory - it's important and valuable.

TherapyRocks · 09/09/2023 22:35

How could your child possibly benefit from this experience?!

MMAMPWGHAP · 09/09/2023 22:36

I don’t know much about dogs but I presume this would be an injection. How’s that going to square with the next time your child needs an injection?

MonkeyPuddle · 09/09/2023 22:37

I’m all for learning experiences but, fuck me, watching your fluffy best mate die when you’re 3 in your home?! Fuck that. I honestly think you’d be an absolute arsehole.

Redebs · 09/09/2023 22:38

It would be ridiculous to include a child in this.

The fact that you even consider it is alarming.

Parents are supposed to protect their children from things like this, not indulge themselves.

CallMeBettyBoop · 09/09/2023 22:38

No, OP. Just NO.

continentallentil · 09/09/2023 22:39

Oysterbabe · 09/09/2023 22:12

Of course not, don't be so fucking ridiculous.

Quite. He’s 3 and a half ffs. No he doesn’t understand death and yes it may disturb him.

Have a nice burial ceremony and have him take part in that, like normal people.

Original poster
Mr85 · 09/09/2023 22:39

Dotcheck · 09/09/2023 22:14

Nope.

I’ve been in that situation with 2 dogs recently. One went very peacefully, the other fought it. It was really traumatic and I’ve never told my children how their beloved pet went, and they were over 18.

Being there for a pet when it is the end is really hard, even for grown ups.
It would be irresponsible to take a small child.

Sorry to hear that. I did not consider that it might not be peaceful

OP posts:
Pizzanight · 09/09/2023 22:42

I'm reading this as your wife has quite rightly said absolutely not and you've come on here to prove her wrong?

Athrawes · 09/09/2023 22:43

Our 3.5 year old was there when the vet came to our house to put our dog to sleep. He got to say good bye to the dog, who he had known his whole life. He helped his Dad dig the dogs grave and put in a toy and some food.
I am very confident that was not traumatized by the experience.

MonkeyPuddle · 09/09/2023 22:43

Of course it might not be peaceful. It’s medication administration, even as an adult you must know people respond to drugs in different ways. So why wouldn’t an animal? For what it’s worth I’ve been there when two of my cats were put to sleep, one drifted off and the other hissed like fuck at the vet, scratched him and died all angles and stress. I fucking hated seeing it , much less a toddler.

Beckafett · 09/09/2023 22:45

I'd say no. I didn't take either of my children, I went alone and I was an absolute chuffing mess.
The vet was amazing as was the supporting nurse but I literally howled the moment they let me out of the door.
My children have seen me very very upset over death which I think is normal but this is one I could spare them the details of.

Original poster
Mr85 · 09/09/2023 22:45

Calmestofallthechickens · 09/09/2023 22:26

I’m a vet, and a parent of a 3 and a 5 year old. I wouldn’t have my kids present if our pet was being euthanised; I would explain the process to them, allow them to say goodbye, let them be sad and feel their feelings about the loss of the pet, and bring back a fur clipping/paw print - but I don’t think actually seeing the moment of death is something they need. I’d rather they have positive memories of the pet’s life than (potentially negative) memories of the death. I know children can be matter of fact about the concept of dying, but I think seeing their beloved pet die might be very distressing.

From a professional point of view, I’ve never actually had a toddler present when performing euthanasia - I’ve had kids of about 8 upwards, and to be honest a large proportion of those have left the room before the actual moment. If you do decide to have your child present, I’d encourage you to discuss it with the vet beforehand (ie what language would you like them to use, is the dog going to ‘heaven’ etc) and to be prepared that one parent might need to take him out of the room if he is finding it too upsetting. There are some services that do at-home euthanasia, which I would consider - it can be a lot more relaxed all round in a familiar place.

Thanks, that's the kind of response we were looking for.

OP posts:
TMess · 09/09/2023 22:47

Ah, no. I was a farm kid and so death wasn’t a completely unusual experience but I still vividly remember the first animal I personally saw die; and it wasn’t a beloved pet, just a lamb. Was also much older than 3! You’re asking to be dealing with nightmares etc for months, and he’s too old to forget it.

Ladybyrd · 09/09/2023 22:47

I've held a couple of pets being euthanised and I don't think it's a place for children.