To have toddler at dog euthanasia

[Mr85]

Our dog is now approaching the end and it won't be long until we have to make the call we all dread 😔

Our 3.5 year old son knows what death is. My wife recently lost her grandfather, who he knew a little, but didn't attend the funeral. He did attend my Nan's burial, although he never met her, and acted impecebally.

We've explained that the dog is ill, might not get better and may soon die. When he heard this he teared up and gave him a hug saying he didn't want him to die and he'll miss him so we know he understands what is going to happen.

My wife and I have slightly conflicting views but which are close enough that we could do either with the others blessing. I think our son should be there as he is part of the pack/family and it's a part of life. My wife thinks he is a little too young and it might cause him too much additional upset.

We've already decided what to do as, let's face it, using MN to make big life decisions is not the best idea. I'm just curious as to what everybody thinks.

I think our 3.5 year old son should be there: AIBU?

Absolutely not a good idea

A 3.5 year old child does not have the maturity and level of comprehension or understanding to make a decision like this, @Mr85, so no, it did not occur to me to ask what your child wanted!

I have raised three boys, and there is no way I would have even considered asking them to go along to see a beloved pet euthanised when they were pre-schoolers. I might have considered it when they were teenagers, but certainly no younger than that.

This is a time for you to be the parent, and to make the right decision FOR your child.

OP Like many others, I have lived through a very necessary pet euthanasia which was prolonged and deeply troubling. Cat was 21 and deepy, deeply loved and had always been really 'wild' to all but me; he fought it to the end and the final image - after so, so long, from a tiny kitten - I have of him is gasping in my arms with his eyes rolling back in his head, as if he were having fits. I still have nightmares. I would not subject that to my worst enemy, let alone to a a three year old. A dog - however tame and beloved - is, at base, still an animal and we simply cannot predict how they will die.

What concerns me much, much, much more, however - and if I were one of your friends I would seriously be talking to your GP about this - is the fact that you asked your child what they might want to do. Your child might be very bright etc etc but at 3yrs they simply do not have the emotional maturity to understand the consequences of their decision or the ability to live with it. I knew a lovely old lady - now dead, in her 90s - whose life had honestly been blighted by the fact that, as an under ten year old, she'd had to declare in front of a judge who she wanted to live with, her mother or her estranged father. She felt guilt until the day she died.

Allied to this, you speak of your family unit as a 'pack'. (Which it is not; I'd be very concerned that you might think it as.) But even if it were, studies show that wolf pack members can be deeply traumatised by the death of another: https://news.sky.com/story/wolf-pack-euthanised-after-anxious-behaviour-at-camperdown-wildlife-centre-in-dundee-12844816 Yes this was controversial, but - if you believe in pack mentality - the loss of a 'pack member' might still be traumatic for your son.

HOWEVER, the whole 'pack' theory of canine behaviour has been examined and sometimes criticised in summary here:
https://www.theveterinarynurse.com/review/article/unravelling-dominance-in-dogs

The reaction of dogs to the death of other 'family' dogs is described here: https://vcahospitals.com/know-your-pet/do-dogs-mourn

This.

There's a reason no one considered asking the 3yo - none of us would.

You are crazy to do so.

Has anyone asked the vet??? They might have an opinion too. As a professional experienced in this sad duty I would expect them to have views on the suitability of having children present.

I am surprised that nobody asked what he thought about it

Fucking hell, I don't even have kids and even I know that a 3 year old wont be able to make a decision on this. The only decisions a 3 year old should be making is things like what flavour ice cream to have, or what cartoon to watch... definitely not "shall I watch our beloved family dog get an injection to kill it, and maybe watch it struggle".

We had this decision, we had dog pts at home and told our teen that we found him passed away under his favourite tree in the garden. I have absolutely no regrets about this lie whatsoever. She was still very upset, but happy that he died in his favourite place (which was true)

Well said.
I was thinking of posting a reply about nobody asked what he thought about it but restrained myself because it would just have been a load of "what the absolute fuck", "fucking insane" etc.
You put it nicely, getting the point across with only one use of fucking.

Worrying that before this thread if your 3 year old had said they wanted to watch their pet die you, as a parent would have allowed it.

Then there would have been a potential issue where in years to come, your child blamed you for letting them choose and blamed themselves for making the wrong choice.

I'm not usually so blunt but can't think of a polite way to say it sounds like your 3 year old has more sense here.

Putting decisions like this and explaining things like this to such a young child is pressuring them to grow quickly and influencing their brain to develop in ways it shouldn't need to process yet.

I agree with a pp saying your child's decisions should be about things like ice cream flavours.

Please consider what you overload your child with moving on.

Must be made up, people surely cannot be like this?

Sick that you cannot see this - I’m out

Beyond sick. Utterly disgusting and unnecessary.

Yeah... I'll never forget the way my dog was shaking in his last moments. I was over 40 and it was totally traumatising. My kids were older, no way I'd have given him that image.
I can't believe anyone would consider taking a young child to that. I hope the vet will refuse to proceed in your child's presence.

@Ginann - you are absolutely spot on.

There is a phrase that @Mr85 would do well to learn, and it is age appropriate. There are some things - including decisions - that it is perfectly age appropriate for a 3.5 year old to make - does he want to wear the red t-shirt or the yellow one/does he want an apple or a pear/shall we go to the park or play in the paddling pool at home - and it is good for them to learn how to make these decisions, and to feel like they have some control. But as you so rightly say, making a child make decisions that are way too old for them is not good for their development at all.

Would he accept his child's decision if the child wanted to get a tattoo? Or if he wanted to walk to the supermarket on his own and buy cider? No? Why not? And if he once recognises that there are some decisions his child is too young to make, he ought to see that this particular decision definitely falls in that category!!