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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To have toddler at dog euthanasia

239 replies

Mr85 · 09/09/2023 22:07

Our dog is now approaching the end and it won't be long until we have to make the call we all dread 😔

Our 3.5 year old son knows what death is. My wife recently lost her grandfather, who he knew a little, but didn't attend the funeral. He did attend my Nan's burial, although he never met her, and acted impecebally.

We've explained that the dog is ill, might not get better and may soon die. When he heard this he teared up and gave him a hug saying he didn't want him to die and he'll miss him so we know he understands what is going to happen.

My wife and I have slightly conflicting views but which are close enough that we could do either with the others blessing. I think our son should be there as he is part of the pack/family and it's a part of life. My wife thinks he is a little too young and it might cause him too much additional upset.

We've already decided what to do as, let's face it, using MN to make big life decisions is not the best idea. I'm just curious as to what everybody thinks.

I think our 3.5 year old son should be there: AIBU?

OP posts:
StarDolphins · 09/09/2023 23:12

SpamFrittersYouSay · 09/09/2023 22:56

I , unfortunately, had to have my two year old at the vets when my dog howled near the end.
Thank goodness we weren't present, just in the waiting room.
That was bad enough.

Why would you expose your young child to this? Do you see it as a right if passage?

Bonkers.

This makes me sad, the very best thing you can do for your dog/pet is be there with them when they go, they need the comfort of you there with them, no wonder he was howling.

might not have been possible with your young child there I know.

givemeasunnyday · 09/09/2023 23:13

CinnamonJellyBeans · 09/09/2023 22:55

If you think it's going to be better at home, rather than the vets, then you are wrong.

The at-home vet service doesn't do the shaving and canula bit. The vital part that means it happens quickly. They need the nurse for that.

The at-home service injects a sedative, then you wait...You tell Fido you love him, then the vet injects the drug into a kidney, then you wait...you tell Fido you love him again, wait some more. Fido just lies there breathing quickly, breathing slowly, making odd noises, little coughs and pants, but definitely not dead. Another injection...still not dead. Telling Fido you love him is getting a bit repetitive and you just wish he'd get on with it and die already. Vet tries to make small talk, a glare silences him and you get back to telling Fido you love him (impatiently), while he makes more funny noises and struggles to breathe. The vet optimistically takes out his stethoscope to listen for a heartbeat and you scathingly tell him: "No, I think he's definitely still alive". It takes ages and is not nice. It would be far worse for the dog with a whining toddler.

Why would you put a toddler through that? As well as the dog? Take the poor dog to the clinic and give him some dignity.

While I agree that the child should not be a witness to the final event, whether it be at home or at the clinic, I don't recognise this at all.

I have witnessed three dogs and five cats being euthenised. One of the dogs was at home, another in the car outside the vet clinic on a weekend day (no nurse), and in all instances the pets simply closed their eyes and went to sleep, it took literally seconds. I'm not disputing that it doesn't happen like that in all instances, but the home and car deaths were absolutely no different to the one dog inside the clinic.

XenoBitch · 09/09/2023 23:14

CinnamonJellyBeans · 09/09/2023 23:11

The home version IS different, unless the vet brings an actual nurse to your house.

I've done both at-home types:

  1. With a nurse (cannula into vein) = instantaneous
  2. Without a nurse: Minimum of two injections into next and directly into kidney. Takes longer to circulate round the body and longer to die.

The at-home services, recommended by the vet up-thread are type number 2. And without the nurse, it takes ages.

Well thanks. My girl is very stressed at the vets, so at home is the option for us. Thank you for making me feel like an utter shit head for even considering it now.

Like I said, I know a lot of people who said their final bye to their pets at home, and it was nothing like you described.

Mr85 · 09/09/2023 23:14

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Missingmyusername · 09/09/2023 23:14

@CinnamonJellyBeans Jesus.
And they charge more money for this. Without explaining it the way you have? Most people are under the impression it’s better at home. What you describe sounds bloody horrendous.

Missingmyusername · 09/09/2023 23:15

What a distressing thread.

sparepantsandtoothbrush · 09/09/2023 23:16

Our 3.5 year old son knows what death is

No he doesn't. He's 3. Don't be a dick

CinnamonJellyBeans · 09/09/2023 23:17

It was 350 quid.

Never again.

midlifecrash · 09/09/2023 23:18

MoxieFox · 09/09/2023 22:23

Our 3.5 year old son knows what death is.

He can’t. He’s too young to really know the permanence of it or that everyone and everything dies. Don’t have him present to watch the family dog actually die in front of his eyes. He’s too young to understand euthanasia as a mercy.

Absolutely agree. It will be very confusing and what he is likely to understand is that you had the dog killed. Do you ever have to use phrases like “this is for the best” or “to stop it hurting” to your son , eg around a dentist appointment or similar? Why is it important to you that he is present and to tell yourself he understands it fully, in a way he cannot possibly do?

XenoBitch · 09/09/2023 23:18

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Dogs don't know they are going to be PTS. My dog gets super agitated whenever she goes to the vets. She has given me a look of betrayal after dropping her off for a dental.

Oioicaptain · 09/09/2023 23:19

Bloody hell. This is a thing of nightmares! You could scar the poor kid for life! I cannot believe that you were seriously contemplating this! Just have a little memorial service/plant a flower/draw a picture etc with the three of you in your garden if needs be as a way to deal with the loss.

Justwondering36 · 09/09/2023 23:21

I’ve been very open about death. At 3 years old my DD attended a great grandparent’s funeral, at 4 she said goodbye to a family friend in the hospice on the day they were admitted and at 6 she viewed the body of another close relative at the undertakers. But I wouldn’t do this because of the unpredictable nature of the event - if it is a lovely peaceful passing then fine, but you can’t know that until after. Maybe saying goodbye to the dog’s body after he’s died would give a similar sense of understanding to your son, without the risk of it being too traumatic.

Letsgocamping67 · 09/09/2023 23:21

I would say no. My cat howled, this was at the vets I add. Managed to twist round and bit me.

PumpkinBum3 · 09/09/2023 23:22

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How lovely you’d always be there for your dog. How about putting that much thought into your child and forget this insane idea?

Oioicaptain · 09/09/2023 23:23

@XenoBitch

Wouldn't you rather know the truth though so that you can make the best decision?
You could ask for a relaxation tablet for your dog to have before you take him to the vets to be PTS. That's what we did.

UnsolicitedOpinions · 09/09/2023 23:25

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It’s not “disgraceful” at all. The poster said she had to have her 2 year old with her, but didn’t want her in there with the dog when they were dying. That’s fine.

What actually is disgraceful is wanting to voluntarily subject your 3 year old to a traumatic experience of witnessing their dog’s death, basically I think so you (or your husband) can show off about how mature they are and how they understand the death of a member of their “pack” at such a young age.

Some people correctly would put a toddler’s emotional well-being above that of a dog who will be dead in 2 minutes so really is not going to be emotionally scarred by their owner being just outside the door.

HareSong · 09/09/2023 23:25

I would consider having the child see and spend some time with the dog after it had been PTS at home, but not present at the event itself.

That way they can still say goodbye, and see that the dog has died, without being a witness to the procedure.

And if you are going to have the dog cremated, I suggest checking out the local pet crematoria ahead of time, so you can decide which one feels right - and you can take them there yourself, if you want to.

Fallingthroughclouds · 09/09/2023 23:26

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Not sure you can call her disgraceful when you are planning on taking a child to watched your dog die. What happens when it's Nana's turn to go, are you going to make him witness that too? Teach him all about life and death properly, just incase he missed the full trauma the first time.

She chose to protect her child from witnessing the dogs death, breaks my heart to think of our dog dying in that manner, but awful to think of my daughter witnessing it too. It must have been a very tough choice.

Viewfrommyhouse · 09/09/2023 23:26

No. It's traumatic enough for reasonable adults to deal with. What on earth do you think will be achieved by a 3yo witnessing it? Children don't really have many memories from that age as they get older. Don't let seeing the family pet PTS be one of the few. Bloody hell. Have you witnessed an animal being PTS before yourself?

XenoBitch · 09/09/2023 23:26

Oioicaptain · 09/09/2023 23:23

@XenoBitch

Wouldn't you rather know the truth though so that you can make the best decision?
You could ask for a relaxation tablet for your dog to have before you take him to the vets to be PTS. That's what we did.

No one knows what will happen until the day. I have heard of dogs fighting the jab... others who had their blood clot as soon as it went into them and caused huge distress for them and their owner.
All I can do is make it as easy as I can for my girl... and at home will be an aspect of that.
I would want to die at home.

Coffeedelight · 09/09/2023 23:30

Firstly, I’m sorry you are having to go through this, it’s a very sad decision to make, personally, I don’t think it’s a good idea to have your son there, explain to him what’s happening but he doesn’t need to see the euthanasia, it’s painful enough for an adult.

StaySpicy · 09/09/2023 23:32

Well it would be one way to give your child a fear of people in face masks/injections/medical procedures.

Can you imagine being just 3 years old, seeing your dog injected by someone in a mask and dying, then 6 years later you need some crowded teeth taken out and the dentist comes at you with a syringe?!

PhilomenaFunbags · 09/09/2023 23:33

No no no, 100 times no.

We have lost two very beloved dogs this year. The first at the beginning through old age and due to childcare issues I couldn't attend and my husband went whilst I watched our kids.

Our second was a horrible shock that suspected diabetes was in fact multi organ failure. My husband assured me he was fine to go alone and I shouldn't go and there was no guilt/ judgement attached. I consulted Mumsnet and was of course told how I was inadequate as a dog owner/ it was the final act of love/ how could I deprive them... My beautiful girl was at our vets but didn't peacefully go with the sedative as we were told she would and got quite distressed when the vet and nurse came in. I will forever remember her fighting against the sedative and trying to stand up and nudge us like she wanted to leave. I wish rather than being dignified I'd replied a 🖕🏼 to all those who blithely stated, you'll be so glad you did.

Do not take a child into such an unpredictable situation. We were very candid with our children about our dogs being sick and then passing but they do not need to actually witness this.

And to anyone on Mumsnet who lays a guilt trip, bloody ignore them, as 4 months on I'm still in pieces about what I witnessed and now have additional guilt about our boy. Questions I can't ask my husband as I don't want him dwelling on any horrible elements of an already horrible thing.

My absolute condolences, losing beloved pets is the absolute worst 💔

StarDolphins · 09/09/2023 23:34

UnsolicitedOpinions · 09/09/2023 23:25

It’s not “disgraceful” at all. The poster said she had to have her 2 year old with her, but didn’t want her in there with the dog when they were dying. That’s fine.

What actually is disgraceful is wanting to voluntarily subject your 3 year old to a traumatic experience of witnessing their dog’s death, basically I think so you (or your husband) can show off about how mature they are and how they understand the death of a member of their “pack” at such a young age.

Some people correctly would put a toddler’s emotional well-being above that of a dog who will be dead in 2 minutes so really is not going to be emotionally scarred by their owner being just outside the door.

Show quote history

Actually, that’s not what the PP said at all. Nowhere does it read ‘but didn’t want to take her in there with the dog’

It might be the reason, it might not. But you’ve made up a whole load of extra bits that weren’t written.

Mummyoflittledragon · 09/09/2023 23:35

StarDolphins · 09/09/2023 23:12

This makes me sad, the very best thing you can do for your dog/pet is be there with them when they go, they need the comfort of you there with them, no wonder he was howling.

might not have been possible with your young child there I know.

Show quote history

I agree. A pet, who has given such joy and love deserves to be with the people they love at the end, not just led off.

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