To "let" DH take 15 week old baby out???

[newmum002]

Hi

I feel like I'm going insane and now I'm questioning everything.

My DH is a great Dad, hands on and adores our DD. She is 15 weeks old and a few times, when he plays football on a Tuesday night he offers to drop her at his Mum's on the way and pick her up on the way back so that I can have 2-3 hours of time to myself.

He passes his Mum's and they love spending time with her and they regularly come to see her and spend time with her, they've always said they will have her whenever for us when they're home from work.

I told a friend about this and said the last 3 weeks she has gone to Nan & Grandads for a few hours (6-9pm), that I have a nice long bath or shower and maybe read for a little bit or watch something on Netflix and she looked at me like I was mad and said that there is no way she'd "let" her partner take their one year old out for a few hours without her, let alone the baby being without the Dad too, that she is too young to be away from either parents at 15 weeks old for the 2 hours he is gone to play football.

It's really playing on my mind and now I'm wondering whether I am being unkind to our DD by leaving her for some time with her Grandparents so that I can have a couple of hours to relax. DD is my whole world and we spend 99% of the time together and suddenly I feel really guilty.

Grandparents send me a photo or video of her smiling or playing with one of the toys they've got for her at their house and always say she is a joy to have.

This is my first baby, I spent a lot of time with my grandparents and loved it, now I'm wondering if she's too young? Friend has made me doubt myself.

I couldn't have done it with my first or second. I ebf and couldn't pump. My third used to sleep like clockwork 10am to 1pm, so I used to leave her with my DH and go out locally. I had my first GC overnight from six weeks to give my DD a break. I'm still my DD's childcare. My Mum had my children while I went on holiday etc without them. I had a lovely childhood going around the UK visiting family with my GPs. My children had a good relationship with my Mum and even though she was a wheelchair user, living alone, they'd stay with her and she was out every day with one of us. Children do best in good extended families. There's so much value in the relationship you are encouraging between your DD and her wider family.

Your friend is mad. When DD1 was16 weeks old I had to fly to Moscow for work. Obviously her father had to take care of her - he parented her, because he’s her parent. And yes, I got lots of people (women) telling me they wouldn’t have done it, and others telling me that I was”lucky” that DH “agreed to babysit.”

It’s more than fine, it’s really good.

Sounds like a great set up - ignore your friend and enjoy your time to yourself. It’s lovely that the GP’s are involved as well. It works for you and your family and that is what matters.

At 15 weeks I had no desire to be away from my baby for hours on end, and I was breastfeeding him anyway, and it's normal for a baby to be distressed away from their mother so young. If it's working for you, then go ahead, but I think it's a bit full on for people to be suggesting your friend is highly anxious/nuts. We all approach parenting differently and prioritise different things. Just leave it be.

Everyone is happy, it sounds great to me.

I bet the grandparents love having that time with the baby, and they will have a lovely relationship in years to come.

Ignore your friend

The mum gets peace and quiet.
The dad gets to play football.
The baby gets time with grandparents.
The grandparents get time with the baby.

Everyone is happy.

Not every marriage is a battleground where time to yourself is eked out in minutes and used against your partner.

Even if your friend does have anxiety, it's quite a dickhead thing to say to you (sorry) it comes across as very judgmental.
I wouldn't bring anything up with her, sounds like she'll open up if she needs to.

You, your partner and his parents sound wonderful. You have a very lucky daughter.

I HATE it when people say the Dad babysits, not he takes care of HIS kid.

People often comment how hands on my DP is (he is a great dad) but no one would ever say oh wow what a hands on mum someone is

Don't let passing comments influence you. Sounds perfect to me. Your dd will benefit hugely from having such lovely grandparents. When my eldest were little, we did similar and I think that our youngest born much later really missed out.
You need to develop some hand y phrases for this situation
"It works for us"
"As dh is such a credit to his parents, I think it will be fine"

Back in late 1990s maternity leave , for most women, was 6 months total. You had to go back to work then. Kids from 6 months were with child minders and nurseries ( outside of cities more unusual) and came to no harm becuase of this. My children were socialised at an early age, and any initial day or 2 separation anxiety soon disappeared once they bonded with care givers.

ok, it’s not ideal to have mums going back to work at 6 months and I’m glad it’s changed, but point being your friend is batshit. While generations of kids were bought up on having to go to caregivers at 6 months.

during the first 6 months, she may have a point about it not being good for HER and her baby and OH. depends on whether she’s breastfeeding, how she gets on with grandparents, whether OH is involved and engaged. But after 6 months, nope, that’s her own batshit choice that is storing up issues for the future potentially.

for you and your baby and OH , it works well. As long as mum and baby are content in first 6 months that’s ALL that matters. Have confidence in your ability to judge that. Stay flexible - babies can often suddenly behave in random ways like developing separation anxiety or sleep issues. Just take each stage as it comes and adapt as necessary.

politely tell your friend that whilst what she does is right for her and her baby, it isn’t right for you and your baby, and you don’t judge her for that, becuase you know everyone, including babies and their mothers, are different.

Your “friend” is an arse.

keep doing what you’re doing! A bit of time to yourself is nothing to feel bad about and DD gets to spend time with the other people who love her! Win win!

Your baby is safe and happy being looked after by people who love her. You are happy having a short break. What possible negatives are there in this situation?

There are loads of valid reasons why it wouldn't work for other people. That's irrelevant. She's not you and you're not her.

Dad is happy playing sport.
You are happy chilling out.
Grandparents are thrilled to cuddle baby for the full three hours.
Baby is delighted to have one on one attention from adoring people.
It's a win win to me.
Bare this in mind next time you have a conversation with your friend about parenting. Don't let her doubt yourself.

The best piece of advice I’ve ever heard is “don’t be the baby expert” and this is a prime example. The mothers who “don’t let” the father do anything alone with the baby when they are tiny end up doing everything and being miserable a few years in.
This!
Of course fathers should be 'allowed' to be with their children.

I'm quick to be critical when a father isn't pulling his weight and is being a lazy arse, but the mothers who view their baby as their personal possessions and don't 'let' their partner be an active parent will be moaning in a few years that they're the default parent, the child only wants them, that their partner doesn't do enough.

I had screaming velcro-babies that refused to be parted from me for even a micro-second so I would have been thrilled for (and deeply envious of!) a friend whose baby was happy to spend time with loving people.

Your friend is not only wrong but also probably struggling with some issues of her own.

Your baby and your set-up sounds lovely, no need to change a thing.

Thank you

I was really close to my grandparents and would happily wave goodbye to my mum and dad to go off to a holiday park for a week with them when I was 5/6 years old and older! Maybe that's not a good thing!

Also it took us 6 years to fall pregnant and one of the greatest joys for me is seeing how much everyone in our family love her, she has been really longed for and my parents are also amazing grandparents too but don't live as close but they still see her 3-4 times a month and I love seeing the bonds she has with people who are important to us.

Sounds ideal! But everyone has different experiences, and some people prefer different ways of bringing up their babies.

I do think we should get rid of this mindset of judging women who don't do things the same way, we're all trying to do our best (obvs not unkindness/abuse etc)

Your friend won’t let her partner have the baby! Blimey.
As long as baby is happy and not fretting or upset what’s the issue! Your friend is being ridiculous!! Make the most of it.
I had to go into hospital when my DD was about 4-( we had covid when she was young so she didn’t spend much time with anyone.) She found it very distressing to be away from me- if she had used to spending time with her nannies it may not have been so bad.

Sounds like a wonderful system OP - if everyone involved is happy which I’m sure they are that’s all you need to give a shit about!

In a few years time, your friend will be wondering why her partner does nothing and she is doing 100% of childcare.

My dc always spent time alone with their dad and grandparents how else will they develop bonds. My dc have the best bond with their grandparents now they are older and it's lovely to see.

Exactly this.

You’re doing nothing wrong OP. In fact, it’s great that your DD is able to be with other trusted people, and that you are able to get a little bit of time to recoup. That’s very very important and I’m sure far better for both you, your DD and your DH that you’ve had time to relax and recharge and therefore have more energy and patience for them both.

Keep enjoying that little bit of free time. My DS is my absolute world, but a little time to myself does me a world of good from time to time and gives me far more energy to be hands on mum the rest of the time.

And fwiw none of my ebf Velcro babes would have managed it but if they would have I would have taken someone’s arm off for three hours peace!