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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To "let" DH take 15 week old baby out???

359 replies

newmum002 · 09/09/2023 09:37

Hi

I feel like I'm going insane and now I'm questioning everything.

My DH is a great Dad, hands on and adores our DD. She is 15 weeks old and a few times, when he plays football on a Tuesday night he offers to drop her at his Mum's on the way and pick her up on the way back so that I can have 2-3 hours of time to myself.

He passes his Mum's and they love spending time with her and they regularly come to see her and spend time with her, they've always said they will have her whenever for us when they're home from work.

I told a friend about this and said the last 3 weeks she has gone to Nan & Grandads for a few hours (6-9pm), that I have a nice long bath or shower and maybe read for a little bit or watch something on Netflix and she looked at me like I was mad and said that there is no way she'd "let" her partner take their one year old out for a few hours without her, let alone the baby being without the Dad too, that she is too young to be away from either parents at 15 weeks old for the 2 hours he is gone to play football.

It's really playing on my mind and now I'm wondering whether I am being unkind to our DD by leaving her for some time with her Grandparents so that I can have a couple of hours to relax. DD is my whole world and we spend 99% of the time together and suddenly I feel really guilty.

Grandparents send me a photo or video of her smiling or playing with one of the toys they've got for her at their house and always say she is a joy to have.

This is my first baby, I spent a lot of time with my grandparents and loved it, now I'm wondering if she's too young? Friend has made me doubt myself.

OP posts:
MamaBobo · 09/09/2023 14:21

I don’t usually join in with these chats but just wanted to say what a great set up you have. A supportive caring partner who sees your need for time to yourself, family who want to make that happen and care for their little family member, and a happy little one growing up with lots of love, being nurtured by their family. Don’t doubt yourself, just get on and enjoy these early stages all the more for getting a bit of time to yourself. You’ve absolutely got this. x

Cherrysherbet · 09/09/2023 14:22

Sounds great to me!

Everyone’s happy, what’s not to like?
Nobody else’s business.

Tiredmum100 · 09/09/2023 14:22

I left my baby at 12 weeks old for 2 nights and days, with dh. My dh also took our son out for a couple of hours out on his own when dc was 7 days old ish. Zero lasting effects. We have a really tight and close relationship.

Wineisgreat · 09/09/2023 14:27

Heaven help your friend if she ever needs to leave the baby for any reason (work, night out etc). The baby won't be used to anyone else at all and it'll make life very tough indeed.

Gh12345 · 09/09/2023 14:28

You’re doing nothing wrong and you’re lucky to have such support.

Zanatdy · 09/09/2023 14:29

Your friend is being silly, it’s good for all of you in different ways. Don’t change it

3WildOnes · 09/09/2023 14:35

All of mine had been away from me for a few hours within the first week. I combi fed from birth.

PureAmazonian · 09/09/2023 14:39

If you're not breastfeeding the go for it. I ebf my dd and haven't really been able to leave her for more than 4 hours (she's 11 months old) because she won't take a bottle. If she was ff I would've left her at that age for a couple hours reprieve absolutely!

martinisforeveryone · 09/09/2023 14:54

Congratulations @newmum002 you have an ideal set up. A baby who is feeding and sleeping well, a loving husband and father, in laws who cherish their grandchild. You're all surrounded by love and care for each other, so what's the problem.

You absolutely do not have to justify your routine to anyone, not in real life and not here.

How much you love your child is not measured by a clock and I say that as someone who had an extended time as a SATM with no nearby relatives. My inlaws were divorced and neither of them had any interest in our children, who were their only grandchildren. That really was a shame.

If you ever feel you need to answer anyone again, smile and say 'well it works really well for all of us' and change the subject.

Millymoney · 09/09/2023 14:56

Our kids built up great relationships with both sets of GPs. Toys that were kept at each house. Chat and got to know to different neighbors as they grew up. Went to stay from being babies which helped when going on school trips or camping with Scouts.

LoudSnoringDog · 09/09/2023 15:01

This is a great set up. I would have loved something similar.

SparkyBlue · 09/09/2023 15:04

Your friend is being ridiculous and possibly a bit jealous. I'd have killed for a set up like that. No one ever offered to take any of mine lol

LizardLizard · 09/09/2023 15:11

Your friend is being ridiculous.

It sounds like a really good set up and a great opportunity for you to have a break and for your in laws to spend some time with their grandchild.

I have no idea what your friend is on about.

AmsterdamCruising · 09/09/2023 15:21

It sounds a wonderful arrangement and a win-win for everyone. Your friend’s view is extreme and doesn’t sound at all healthy. YANBU!

Fallingthroughclouds · 09/09/2023 17:32

GrinAndVomit · 09/09/2023 12:31

Because he baths her, feeds her and drops her off at his mums?
Yeah. He needs a medal.

Show quote history

So quick to jump to the negatives you've obviously not read any of the other OPs posts, but even if there were no other details, why jump to the dad having a hobby and dropping baby off at grandparents occasionally as a useless dad. OP is just describing one evening a week.

It is natural when mum is on maternity leave she will have more time with her children, but dad sounds very involved. Even if he wasn't this post isn't about this. OP has no issues with him as a father or a partner so why do you? What works for one family might not work for another. You must be very unhappy if you are willing to be so critical of another family who for all intents and purposes seems very content. Stop pushing your agenda, which to be honest lacks weight because you are just bitching about men with no justification. Maybe you need to raise the bar on how you communicate with others.

OhHelloTheres · 09/09/2023 18:10

I personally wouldn't have left my 15 week old with grandparents unless it was absolutely necessary, but I also am an extremely anxious person and don't trust anyone 😂 Don't be like me!

You clearly trust and respect your in laws, so keep doing what you're doing. It's hardly mean, she's happy and cared for! If she was miserable the whole time, every time, I'd probably reconsider but it doesn't sound like that's even remotely the case.

Enjoy your bath and peace and quiet, and just remember that if she ever gets clingy to you in the future it's NOT because you've left her with someone else from a young age as mum guilt will inevitably make you feel - it's simply because she's a baby and that's a perfectly normal phase that the majority of babies go through. Sorry, I realise that I've skipped quite a few steps ahead, I'm just trying to preempt an "I told you so" from your friend.

PackBacker · 09/09/2023 18:30

I would have thought leaving your baby occasionally would make them less clingy. I put my DC in a crèche three times a week so I could exercise from three months and half day nursery a couple of times a week from six months and didn’t experience any clinginess.

AnIndianWoman · 09/09/2023 18:36

I did this with my ebf baby too - only it was my DH who look baby away for 1-2 hours. He usually just drove to various relatives houses, let them coo over him, and then return him to me in time for a breastfeed.

Sluggy1967 · 09/09/2023 18:36

Your friend is clearly insecure and/or some kind of control freak. Ignore her and continue doing the brilliant job you are doing. She’s treating her partner as little more than a sperm donor. Both parents and baby will get so much out of this arrangement. What’s not to like? X

brentwoods · 09/09/2023 18:42

You are normal. Your friend is the unreasonable one. (and I say that as one who didn't regularly leave my children with others because we didn't have nearby family support -- take advantage of it!)

SandandSky · 09/09/2023 18:50

I had such bad postnatal anxiety I wouldn’t leave the house at one point so always turned offers like this down. Now grandparents don’t even bother offering and I really wish they did.

This set up is probably really good for all of you (husband, baby, you) and I think if it works for you and you’re all happy then go for it.

you are also likely setting yourselves up well for if you go back to work/if baby goes to nursery in the future. I know a day at nursery is different but it’s a good start on being used to a little separation.

honestly, I’m jealous!

SandandSky · 09/09/2023 18:52

I also spent a lot of time with my grandparents, in fact it was my Nan that always took me to nursery/school as my parents were busy and I love that we have such a close bond. I think it’s really lovely for all of you!

you sound like a very nice family

Geminiii · 09/09/2023 18:54

Your friend sounds unhealthily paranoid. Enjoy your break. It’s lovely that your baby gets time to bond with others! Motherhood is relentless, take those breaks whenever you can 🍷

quitefranklyabsurd · 09/09/2023 18:54

Is your friend jealous? I’d say grab that time with both hands as sooner or later you’ll be into a 7pm bedtime and I’ll be a distant dream!

your baby your rules! Also foster that grand parent relationship now and it will reap dividends in the future in terms of sleep overs when everyone’s ready.

Unexpectedlysinglemum · 09/09/2023 20:52

Plumful · 09/09/2023 09:41

Your friend is probably jealous

Definitely