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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To "let" DH take 15 week old baby out???

359 replies

newmum002 · 09/09/2023 09:37

Hi

I feel like I'm going insane and now I'm questioning everything.

My DH is a great Dad, hands on and adores our DD. She is 15 weeks old and a few times, when he plays football on a Tuesday night he offers to drop her at his Mum's on the way and pick her up on the way back so that I can have 2-3 hours of time to myself.

He passes his Mum's and they love spending time with her and they regularly come to see her and spend time with her, they've always said they will have her whenever for us when they're home from work.

I told a friend about this and said the last 3 weeks she has gone to Nan & Grandads for a few hours (6-9pm), that I have a nice long bath or shower and maybe read for a little bit or watch something on Netflix and she looked at me like I was mad and said that there is no way she'd "let" her partner take their one year old out for a few hours without her, let alone the baby being without the Dad too, that she is too young to be away from either parents at 15 weeks old for the 2 hours he is gone to play football.

It's really playing on my mind and now I'm wondering whether I am being unkind to our DD by leaving her for some time with her Grandparents so that I can have a couple of hours to relax. DD is my whole world and we spend 99% of the time together and suddenly I feel really guilty.

Grandparents send me a photo or video of her smiling or playing with one of the toys they've got for her at their house and always say she is a joy to have.

This is my first baby, I spent a lot of time with my grandparents and loved it, now I'm wondering if she's too young? Friend has made me doubt myself.

OP posts:
Hollyppp · 09/09/2023 10:29

I wouldn’t be doing it but I wouldn’t think anything of it if other people are happy with that set up

Wexone · 09/09/2023 10:29

I think you are so doing the right thing. Happy mammy happy baby. its great that everyone has a good relationship with her. I have so many of my friends who were like yoru friend now 10 years later whinging that their partner doesn't do anything they never get a break etc. also aswell as someone who's parents are not let see or hold their new baby grandson where her mother practically living in the house along with loads of visitors (no pnd no depression formula feed etc before anyone jumps donwnky throat) its great to see you building a relationship with your inlaws

LaviniasBigBloomers · 09/09/2023 10:31

If you were in America, you'd probably be back at work full time by now. And no-one would give that a second thought.

I mean, I'm glad you're not and I think their 6 week mat leave is inhumane, but it's a good context to have in the back of your mind when people are dicks question your choices like this. 3 hours out of the 144 in a week is really, really not a lot.

Abouttimemum · 09/09/2023 10:32

You’re doing nothing wrong at all OP, in fact it’s good for baby that you are well rested and enjoying time to yourself.

Each to their own but a one year old not being ‘allowed’ to be parented by its father is rod for your own back territory, and quite frankly, ridiculous.

GrinAndVomit · 09/09/2023 10:33

He’s only taxiing her. He’s passing the childcare responsibility straight on to another woman. Quelle surprise.

tigger1001 · 09/09/2023 10:34

newmum002 · 09/09/2023 10:24

@TheBarbieEffect it's not that I WANT to be away from her, I'd cuddle her all day and all night if I could/it was practical but I am only human too and being the main parent (DH works hard, runs his own business and I'm fortunate that I can stay at home until she's at least a year) is hard and tiring sometimes, I felt like it was healthy for us all to have some "me" time.

Wholeheartedly agree.

It seems to me to be a win-win-win situation and all parties are happy with the arrangement.

Phleghm · 09/09/2023 10:35

She shouldn't have said anything and you're doing absolutely nothing wrong. There are many different kinds of mums, some of them want to be with their baby 24/7 and some find they enjoy seeing their child socialise and enjoy some time away from them every so often. Nothing at all wrong with either way and it's not in any way reflective of your bond or anything. Your mate should live and let live!

Mammma91 · 09/09/2023 10:35

Nonsense! Your husband is entitled to have some time with the baby and I think it’s lovely you have a nice support network willing to give you a wee few hours break. I let forced my husband to take our DS to Tesco when he was 2 weeks old because I wanted to wash my hair without thinking I could hear him cry. I had post partum anxiety and actually, him taking baby out gave me brain an hour or so fog free. We’re due DC2 now and I expect he’ll do the same.

Whiskeypowers · 09/09/2023 10:36

Hopefully by now you will have realised by now that there is nothing abnormal or wrong in this set up
its probably a good lesson to learn in that every single thing you do as a mother is judged. Best thing is to develop a thick skin and crack on

not sure the pile on here to another mother is helpful or appropriate but it does illustrate my point perfectly.

Original poster
newmum002 · 09/09/2023 10:36

GrinAndVomit · 09/09/2023 10:33

He’s only taxiing her. He’s passing the childcare responsibility straight on to another woman. Quelle surprise.

This is such a bad attitude.

He does bottles, nappies, bath times, settling in the cot, cuddles, playing when he is home, all the things that I also do. He works full time so he is only doing it for a couple of hours a day granted but he is providing for us and still is hands on so please don't assume he is just passing her to another woman. My babies grandfather is there too you know, who also adores her/playfully fights over who gets to cuddle her the longest when she's with them so that's not true at all.

OP posts:
WonderingWanda · 09/09/2023 10:36

It sounds like an ideal set up to me. Your dh gets to do his hobby without feeling like he is leaving you to it. You get a lovely break. Your baby gets to bond with her grandparents which is really important too and they get to share in the excitement.

I think that it's fine if mothers don't want to hand over their newborns to other people but the fact that your friend is unable to let her babies father spend time alone with his newborn is actually of huge concern. As others have said, she is clearly dealing with some extreme anxiety. I would encourage her to get some help with that.

Animallover87 · 09/09/2023 10:36

My DH and I have had a very similar arrangement when he does his hobby once a week - since our baby was 4 weeks old. Ends up being away about 7 hours in total so I get a really good break and I'm always delighted to see baby when they come back :)

TheBarbieEffect · 09/09/2023 10:37

newmum002 · 09/09/2023 10:24

@TheBarbieEffect it's not that I WANT to be away from her, I'd cuddle her all day and all night if I could/it was practical but I am only human too and being the main parent (DH works hard, runs his own business and I'm fortunate that I can stay at home until she's at least a year) is hard and tiring sometimes, I felt like it was healthy for us all to have some "me" time.

Your only child is 15 weeks old… if you’re clamouring for “me time” and palming off the baby already then something isn’t right 🤷‍♀️

It’s not healthy for your baby. She doesn’t realise she’s a separate person from you yet, and she cannot bond with grandparents yet either.

So in her mind she’s just being left with complete randomers and wondering if she’ll ever see her parents again (because she doesn’t yet have object permanence).

Mumsnet is an anomaly. You’ll have a thread full of people telling you it’s fine, but you’ll find most people in real life wouldn’t leave their baby so young.

ActDottie · 09/09/2023 10:37

Yanbu! And good for you for having weekly me time :)

Nanny0gg · 09/09/2023 10:38

newmum002 · 09/09/2023 09:41

@arabellaL I tried and failed to breastfeed, I just wasn't producing enough milk so I just pack a bottle and some formula for her x

It's absolutely fine.

You do what suits you

GrinAndVomit · 09/09/2023 10:39

newmum002 · 09/09/2023 10:36

This is such a bad attitude.

He does bottles, nappies, bath times, settling in the cot, cuddles, playing when he is home, all the things that I also do. He works full time so he is only doing it for a couple of hours a day granted but he is providing for us and still is hands on so please don't assume he is just passing her to another woman. My babies grandfather is there too you know, who also adores her/playfully fights over who gets to cuddle her the longest when she's with them so that's not true at all.

Show quote history

So why doesn’t her take her out alone for three hours one night a week to give you this rest? Why is it dependent on him going to football and dropping the baby off at his mum’s?
There’s nothing wrong with you having a break. I just despair at the low bar we set for men.

mumonthehill · 09/09/2023 10:39

Please do not feel bad, she is with people who love her and you get a break. It is all fine.

Olika · 09/09/2023 10:39

Ignore your friend. Enjoy having your own time in regular basis. Smile it's lovely your DH is so hand on and your DD gets to spend time with her grandparents. I don't have that luxury and gosh I would love a few hours to myself in an empty house every now and then.

itsmylife7 · 09/09/2023 10:40

Ignore your so called friend OP.

You were perfectly happy with this arrangement don't let her spoilt it.

She refuses to let the Father take his own child out....says it all !

Original poster
newmum002 · 09/09/2023 10:40

@TheBarbieEffect "palming" my baby off? Really? I'm with her 24/7 and I love the bones of her. They're not randomers to her, they've been by my side/her side since she was 7 hours old. They are her grandparents. You're really not very nice and I'm going to stop replying to you now.

OP posts:
Thewizardbinbag · 09/09/2023 10:40

Your friend is an idiot. Genuinely, a proper actual real live idiot.

MsRosley · 09/09/2023 10:41

Another vote for your friend is bonkers. Ignore her.

Thelnebriati · 09/09/2023 10:41

Instead of stressing about this, ask yourself why your friends opinion matters so much to you that you now doubt yourself and your husband.

Thewizardbinbag · 09/09/2023 10:42

TheBarbieEffect · 09/09/2023 10:37

Your only child is 15 weeks old… if you’re clamouring for “me time” and palming off the baby already then something isn’t right 🤷‍♀️

It’s not healthy for your baby. She doesn’t realise she’s a separate person from you yet, and she cannot bond with grandparents yet either.

So in her mind she’s just being left with complete randomers and wondering if she’ll ever see her parents again (because she doesn’t yet have object permanence).

Mumsnet is an anomaly. You’ll have a thread full of people telling you it’s fine, but you’ll find most people in real life wouldn’t leave their baby so young.

Show quote history

What absolute nonsense.

Original poster
newmum002 · 09/09/2023 10:42

@GrinAndVomit does he not deserve some downtime too? As somebody who works 6 days a week? Who is in Dad mode as soon as he steps through the door after work?

OP posts: